Just coming out

[NatalieT1974]

Hi,
I?m in the very early stages of transitioning, having just come out to my family.
Unsurprisingly, my wife is very angry at the moment and my children are struggling, although trying to be supportive. I have a 20 year old son and 18 year old daughter.
I have known I?m trans since I was very young, but have tried to live up to society?s norms, but can?t keep living a lie anymore. I?m now 45 and have a referral to GIC, but am looking to go the private route.
I know that this is going to be hard, but I know that this is the right route for me. It doesn?t stop me feeling incredibly guilty and sad for my family.
If anyone has any advice or support, I?m really open to any ideas.
I?m based in Southampton, England.
Natalie

[Sarah Doepner]

Natalie,

My situation has been different in some ways from yours but I think there are a couple of things I can share that may cross over. First, be patient. It's taken you years to get to where you are and that distance is difficult for someone else to cover in days, weeks, months or even years. Second, communicate openly and honestly but don't bury them. Hitting them with a fire hose of information when they only ask for a sip of water may be damaging. Third, be honest both with yourself and others. We spend a lot of time attempting to fool others as we hide and then fool ourselves about why we make some of our choices. Fourth, accept you aren't going to make everyone happy. There will be some people you care about who will be unable to follow you through this process. Look to broaden (not replace) your support base with others, possibly in the LGBTQ+ community because there will be times they are the most likely to understand. And fifth, take care of yourself. Self-care is important, physically, mentally and emotionally. If we let our personal health in any of these areas slide, we are less likely to be able to respond correctly, fully and with love.

[Katya@]

Good advice from Sarah.
I would only add that I think it helped my wife from being angry about it to be supportive was the time and me moving slowly. Yes, some steps were big steps - like my decision to go on hormones. But once on hormones, I haven't changed presentation 180 in one day, no new names, no new pronouns , etc. It was enough for me to eliminate dysphoria and give the time for the family to absorb. I never stopped progressing, but after taking big steps, I will continue to move forward in slow steps for a while.

[Nikki.]

Another vote for move as slowly as possible. Anecdotally more relationships survive when the trans person moves slowly allowing their family and friends to catch up along the way.

[Micki_Finn]

The only advice is to prepare yourself. It is possible to do everything right, but still have your wife and children walk out of your life.

[Macey]

Can't tell you how much this board, and this thread in particular is helping me. Katya, especially your advice.

[Teresa]

Natalie ,
I also agree with Sarah , some very valid points to consider .

To add my personal situation , I have been married 44 years with a 41 year old daughter and a 38 years old son with three young grandchildren . Almost 2 years ago my wife and I agreed to an amicable separation , she couldn't live with my TG issues and I couldn't live without them . The point is my World didn't end , everyone knows about me being TG , I've had several outings with my daughter and granddaughter as Teresa , they all know I'm now full time in my new home town , I'm still in contact with old friends and family .

While you say you are in the first stages of transition , please remember there are no rules , you take it at your pace , if you need help in dealing with those stages the NHS is there to help you , I'm so grateful to my GPs and counsellors but you must be patient at times with them . Please PM me if you wish to chat more .

[NatalieT1974]

Thank you all for your advice. I definitely won?t be rushing this.
I know that there isn?t a fairy tale ending, but am still hopeful of an amicable solution.

[Nikki.]

Something else that helped my wife was reading some of Anne Vitale’s work. It helped her gain some insight on the life long struggle it’s been, and why at 45 I finally had to start dealing with it.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

For what it’s worth, my marriage survived. I moved very slowly, shared where I was at, and was attentive to her feelings, while still acknowledging that if she needed to move on, that was ok, but I needed to change. I’m very fortunate.

[Teresa]

Natalie,
I'm happier than I've been in a very long time , at some point , we have to consider ourselves as Sarah points out .

[NatalieT1974]

Thank you Nikki
That article hit home at so many points with me, it?s scary!
I?m pleased you and your wife worked it out. Sadly my wife and I will separate, but hope to remain friends.

[Devi SM]

Natalie,
I would say so many things that had already been said for other wiser than me and with a long experience so if I can add something is my own experience but as many others has been a journey of years so I'm going to puntialize just some important things.
A good psychologist friend told me this, for your wife and family members is like grief for someone that died but the person still there. You can find out about the 5 stages of grief but the first is sadness, next angry. I could identify those stages in my wife and I just keep silent and trying to live my life with a low profile.
One thing is very important, mention your live for her, wife, but you need to love yourself too, it's not selfishness. You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
I keep loving my wife but in my desperation to live my life I almost break almost 40 years of marriage.
I didn't realize that she lost her husband with all that implies, so she offered me to live separated lives. Luckily I didn't take the offer but one day, no so long ago, looking at her fave8, how years had passing by and both are aging but I still loving her, I can see the same woman I love yt she doesn't see that. Now she sees a woman that can't love because she's not lesbian. So my purpose has been to make her so happy and feel lived that can fall in love again because with both together can do anything but separate, I would be as others here that live a solitaire life, full as woman but solitaire lives. You're younger yet. I was more than 54 when tolk serious steps to transition, I just got 60 last sunday and the family celebrated me, even with girly gifts.
Be patience, just one day at time and remember, being a woman is not just peaches, cream and honey...
Good luck,
Devi

[Teresa]

Devi,
Stages of grief is an interesting point . My wife went for a counselling session , she was given the talk on stages of the loss , the problem was she accpted too readily it was like a bereavement that she started telling people I was dead . I had to nip this in the bud very quickly , if my grandsons ever overheard this comment they would have been devastated . My daughter was furious with her and also put a stop to it .

[NatalieT1974]

Thanks Devi,
My wife was a stay at home mum to our four children and has only ever worked part time. She is resentful right now that she doesn?t have the income to live as independently as she would like, with the same luxuries as today.
I feel incredibly guilty, given the sacrifices she made that she is now in this position because of me.
The reality is that I am desperately unhappy and have to transition. I could not carry on the way things were.
As guilty and sad as I feel, I also feel hope for the future, knowing that I am now on my journey.

[pamela7]

Hi Natalie,

Going private in the UK will shorten timescales by many years, but it will shortcut the time during which you really find out if transitioning is the endgame. For myself, having the hrt for 2 years now i'm pretty happy with the situation and don't have strong urges to do more, i can wait for the NHS system to deliver.

First things first - beard removal before HRT makes the pain much more sensitive. That might take 2-3 years of electrolysis unless you're lucky enough to be receptive to laser. Second then life for a few years on HRT to be sure, then surgery.

If you go private, you will need psychiatric sign-off, and you might go too fast for your body and surrounding social world.

I'm in Glastonbury, happy to meet to chat about the situation somewhere inbetween.

xx Pam

[NatalieT1974]

Hi Pam,

Thank you for your advice and insight.

Can?t afford private for surgery, so know that?s a long game. Have made contact with GenderGp which I hope will significantly shorten the time before I can start hormones.

Will be electrolysis rather than laser as my beard is white. Again, prepared for this to take time.

Due to family circumstances, I won?t be coming out to the wider world until middle of next year, which allows me the time to get the other elements under way and move at a more realistic pace.

I may take you up on your offer of a chat some time.

Natalie x

[maya1]

Hi,
I?m in the very early stages of transitioning, having just come out to my family.
Unsurprisingly, my wife is very angry at the moment and my children are struggling, although trying to be supportive. I have a 20 year old son and 18 year old daughter.
I have known I?m trans since I was very young, but have tried to live up to society?s norms, but can?t keep living a lie anymore. I?m now 45 and have a referral to GIC, but am looking to go the private route.
I know that this is going to be hard, but I know that this is the right route for me. It doesn?t stop me feeling incredibly guilty and sad for my family.
If anyone has any advice or support, I?m really open to any ideas.
I?m based in Southampton, England.
Natalie

I have been in a similar situation recently. I'm not as far along as you, but I told my wife recently that splitting up might be best because things will be changing in my life. She knows now that I crossdress but I haven't decided on whether transition is right for me. I also have 2 young kids which makes this very tough. I talk to my therapist a lot and her advice was to try to avoid that feeling of guilt. I feel the guilt too, especially with young kids. But ultimately, being a happy person will make the life of your kids better long term. All the best. Big hugs.

- - - Updated - - -


The only advice is to prepare yourself. It is possible to do everything right, but still have your wife and children walk out of your life.

While that is possible, I like to give people benefit of the doubt, especially your own kids. Kids (even young adult ones) are very resilient. Have faith in people, things might turn out even better than you expected.