Help!

[eblafemme]

So... where to start? I am a married man with kids. And I have a definite feminine side that?s been put away for quite some time. I recently came out to my wife as bisexual, which was a big deal and she seemed ok with it, even to the point of helping me with my first male ?hookup?.

However, as I continue to explore my feminine side, she is kind of freaking out. She found some makeup in a jacket pocket... thinks I am pursuing things a bit too quickly for her. Unfortunately, I thought her general acceptance of me was a given.

I travel for work, and am going out of town next week. I intend to buy some clothes to wear... nothing extravagant, something casual like jeans, maybe a skirt. Also, maybe some makeup. But I don?t know what to do next? Just dress up indoors? I don?t know really how to dress or do makeup. Are there other gurls who help with this kind of thing?

My anxiety is quaking just thinking about it!

[Tracii G]

Just because she gave you some acceptance does not mean its OK for you to go full bore. So many guys make that mistake you are making about general acceptance and end up ruining their marriage.
She needs her time to get adjusted to things you owe her that consideration.
There is no need to rush in to things or to get a male hook up.
You need to slow down.
Your wife and kids should be the most important thing to consider and remember your relationship is not all about you.

[eblafemme]

You?re not wrong and I appreciate the response. But, this has been inside me for so long... wanting to surface, but never able to.

It?s part of me. And I thought her love was for me, in all forms. But it was a gut punch...

The relationship is not all about me, but it has to honor who I am, and how I change over time. I want and expect her to love me unconditionally. I am not hooking up behind her back or anything. I just want her to love me for who I am. And it hurts to show a part of who I am and not feel that love.

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is very unlikely she is actually accepting of the fact you are bisexual, much less willing to hook you up with a man. If she said she'd help you hook up with a man, she is probably trying to set you for up for a divorce.

She probably hates the crossdressing too, acceptance isn't always "acceptance", especially so quickly. It is probably a case of "I don't want to deal with it or think about it", not "that is fine I don't mind at all".

[Devi SM]

It's the first time I read, here, another guy with the bisexuality confession.
To offer you some help I'd like to ask some questions:
What makes you think you are bisexual? Already experience some kind of sex with other man or it is just in your mind?
I'm sorry I'm not a native english speaker, you say that the confession about being bisexual was a big deal and she seemed ok with it even to the point... I see a contradiction, a big deal means she was happy or a big princess lem to deal with it?

You dont know what to do after being dressed, aren't you bisexual doesn't wiuld it mean to meet a guy dressed to have sex?

You're disappointed with the idea that your wife doesn't accept you integrally. I had that feeling to but then I realize that it would be hard for me to accept the idea she would be bisexual or crossdresser or trans like me and transition but I'm in transition I'm more a woman now and she is adjusting as I'm being adjusting to her slow adjustment.
You can't expect she embrace a person that she didn't married. There are implicit changes she probably accept the day she married you or probably not, as getting a bigger belly, some farts, snoring, wrinkles, etc but it's normal mand common to.adjust to.that but to a husband that discover is bisexual and crossdresser, believe me is not easy someone get things for granted on the name of love, that was my mistake and in the name of love I waited CDor her slow adjustment because I knew she loves me but believe me, 7 times, for the same she has told me be willing.to let me go for my own happiness, so love can be there but not everything is peaches cream and honey...feel free to pm if you need.

My humble experience.

Devi

[Annajose]

Hi, are you willing to be in an open marriage? Because you declare yourself Bisexual and go finding someone else to hook up, the message is you want sex with someone else, most spouses don?t take that well. The fact that you are being open is good, but you need to ask how she feels about it, about you having sex with other people. Sorry to say this but I think you are too focused on yourself and not enough on your wife.
Talk to her and listen what she has to say.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Elba and welcome to the forum.

After reading your post a couple of times I came to the conclusion you only came out to your wife about being bi. You did not come out to her about being a crossdresser. Sexual preference and crossdressing are mutually exclusive, meaning you can have one without the other. Before diving down the rabbit hole, you might want to have a talk with your wife and tell her everything. It may even be beneficial to talk to a therapist to help you better understand yourself.

One of the most important things I've learned here .... when dealing with your SO it best take your time and proceed at a snail's pace. If you overwhelm her, too much too fast, you are setting yourself up for a DADT relationship or worse a divorce.

Just my 2 cents, YMMV

Good Luck!

[Maid_Marion]

"Even to the point of helping me with my first male ?hookup?."


Yes, bi seems accurate based on THIS.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Love has conditions. If your wife wanted to have multiple lovers bc that is who she is would u still love her? Some would most would not. What if she gained 400 lbs , stopped having sex with you, gambled ur family savings away, etc.

Wanting to have sex with men and be a woman is pretty fundamental to who you are. Expecting unconditional love when you have changed so fundamentally is a little selfish

[char GG]

From eblafemme:

So... where to start? I am a married man with kids.

But you don't sound like a married man with kids. It sounds to me that the focus is on you and your needs. What about your wife's needs? The kids needs? Would you agree to an open marriage if your wife wanted to sleep around?

It seems that it's time for you to have a serious talk with your wife if you want to continue to be married. From what you have shared, it sounds like you really want to be a single man who does whatever he wants to do with no commitments.

Obviously, I don't know you or your marriage arrangement so I could be all wrong. Love might be unconditional but the typical marriage vow usually means that you are committed to your partner. (Maybe your vow was open ended). Good luck for the future.

[GretchenM]

I have to agree with the others, especially with Char GG. She is presenting the woman's perspective and I could not agree more. I think you might be tied up in the newbie daze. You have discovered some things about yourself and you are very excited about it all and want to share it with what should be the most significant person in your life - your mate, your wife. That behavior, although common at first, is a bit irrational in many ways. I know. I did it myself for several months and it created some major problems that, even 7 years later, are still present.

Back up and rethink what you are doing and try to apply some feminine empathy and view it from her side. She married a person she fell in love with, but now the person is changing in very dramatic ways. I think there is perhaps an expectation that she accept that.

All marriages are defined by boundaries or limits. The wedding vow you took probably had something to say about that in the way of loving each other through thick and thin. The thick and thin doesn't really include becoming a totally or largely different person. Changes in people are expected, but the changes have to generally occur with the boundaries originally set. I think it is gracious that she APPEARS to have accepted the bisexual aspect and perhaps that is within her expectation boundaries. But presenting yourself as a woman and still being a husband may be beyond her boundaries. The boundaries can be changed, but not by presenting yourself in some new way and then expecting her to change. It is not likely to happen. It requires a lot communication and growing together. If she is offended then communication might be difficult because the trust may have been shattered.

You can't really restart it all - the bell has already been rung. But you can back up and back off on your excitement and take it much more slowly allowing her to be engaged in the changes that you feel might be needed. A lot of conditionality in that sentence, but that is what it takes. Think about her needs and not just yours. At this point you two may need to go to a family counselor (therapist) who can help guide you two through a very complex maze that contains a lot of hidden black holes that threaten to consume you and your family in a world of despair. Therapists won't tell you what to do; they help you find your own answers. Your relationship doesn't have to be the way it is, but it a major shift and it might take years to recover from the shock of what has happened.

So give it some serious thought but your excitement is maybe out of control and may be hurting others very deeply. I recommend you back up and take a second look.

[Robertacd]

But I don?t know what to do next?


Talk to your wife!

[Alice Torn]

Unconditional love is a FALSE, STUPID, INSANE TERM. It means one can be a murderer, rapist, thief, drug pusher, and it is just fine, and everything is just fine, I love you!! BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IS CONDITIONAL!!!!!! There are conditions! Please step back, and do some soul searching. Humble yourself and fast if necessary. Put on the brakes! I understand how the "pink fog" sets in and gets us hyped up and pumped to put the pedal to the metal and go full bore.. It is understandable, and i empathize with that, but your marriage is at stake.. Maybe a therapist can help you both to get this under control. I am single, and i do not have your situation, and i have been in the pink fog, wanting to meet admirers strongly. But, i made the boundry, that i will not have any penetration sex with ANYONE, so most guys dont want to meet me. Please consider the negatives of sex with guys. The potential big problems. Sometimes, we just cant have it all. You need to set boundry on yourself, too. I do. Slow down, and write down all the potential negatives,off going full speed .

[Di]

Married man with kids ?
Sure does not sound like it . If your wife is cool with an open marriage then fine / but hope that means open for you both!

You said you expect her to love you unconditionally well what about her? And honor her feelings .? Or is she supposed to fall in line?

I just read this as selfish to the MAX....hope I’m wrong but just from this post I want to caution you be careful you don’t lose your loved ones if you make it all about YOU.

[Sandi Beech]

I am not one to advise on how to make it work since my relationship is DADT; however, I agree with the others. This is about to turn into a train wreck. It seems you are proceeding very quickly without having a clear understanding about what she is or is NOT comfortable with. Without doing that first, you will certainly over step a boundary to the point of no return, and everyone in your realm will get hurt. Just my 2 cents worth. I hope you don't overdo it. Please slow down.

Sandi

[Vicky_Scot]

Wow!!!! Thats all I can say really. x

[donnalee]

The boat goes by, the arms drop down and the hooks are deployed.............

[docrobbysherry]

Elba, u DO need help. But, not from us!

U need to find a professional counselor ASAP! He/she will help u sort out where u r and what your options r. An impartial 3rd party could consult with and advise your wife, too.

None of us here r "impartial" on this subject!:battingeyelashes:

[Dutchess]

I am with Donnalee on this . Goodness .
You need to stay safe out there for your wife and yourself . Your post reminds me of some of my gay friends when they first came out . They just went sex crazy all over the place there for a good while . Be sure you are honest with yourself about your sexuality as well . As far as an open marriage is concerned also ask yourself how you will feel when your wife finds a companion of her own like I did when my tripped out ex husband did pretty much what you are doing . It really did not end well .

[Pumped]

eblafemme, are you willing to lose your marriage over this? slow down and think about it. I agree with the others, you need to slow down. You need to communicate with your wife. I do find it surprising she is ok with you have gay encounters, but not the CD'ing. My wife would cut off my male pats and run them through the blender if I even thought of sex with a guy, oh hell, another person! The dressing so is fairly accepting, as long as it is not ALL the time. She likes her man around too.

[eblafemme]

Well, damn ... that?s a lot of judgement and unhelpful comments.

If you have something constructive and helpful, please comment. Otherwise, I really don?t need your assumptions and negative attitude. I ain?t asking for marriage advice...

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you all so much for welcoming me to the community... but i guess i am better off on my own than with all this .

Sorry if i ruined anyone?s day with my selfishness... i won?t bore you with it ever again!

Good day!

[Bobbi46]

Don't take this the wrong way but all we are doing is being helpful to you it does look to me as though you are thinking of just youreself you must also think of and discuss fully with your wife what exactly she wants and needs out of life right now, your revelation of being BI maybe/could have been a shock to her system, you must listen to properly to what your wife wants from this otherwise you could find yourself all alone.
We are trying to be helpful not negative, read again what others have said and formulate a way forward without losing what you have now.

[Di]

We take the time to give an honest answer. As over the years we have seen MANY lose their entire family over being blinded with pink fog and just heading into disaster they regret later.
Only trying to get you see things as others see looking into a snippet of your life you gave us.
If you want only nonsense .....next time state only want fluff like you go girl.

[Tracii G]

I kind of expected a response like this to be honest.
All I can say you asked for opinions (help) and you got it. Sorry it wasn't what you were expecting or wanting to hear.
Take time and think could I be wrong about all this?
Could I actually not know what I am talking about?
Is it possible I am making a huge mistake?
Well if you have made your mind up we are a bunch of fools then go on with your bad self and see what happens.
Keep in mind I am just a gay man that doesn't know anything about what you are going thru. (sarcasm)
None of us have been in the situation you are in right now so how would we know right? (sarcasm again).
You seem to know everything already so have fun and get a lawyer on retainer.
Why do most of the comments advise you to slow down?
Because many of us here have seen guys do what you are doing only to lose everything.
Not only their marriage but their entire family.

[Crissy 107]

You just got to this site and if you walk away from it I feel it will be a big loss on your part. Obviously your call on that.

[Micki_Finn]

Unconditional love is a FALSE, STUPID, INSANE TERM. It means one can be a murderer, rapist, thief, drug pusher, and it is just fine, and everything is just fine, I love you!! BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IS CONDITIONAL!!!!!!

Wow, I feel sorry for you. You may have never experienced unconditional love, but I sure have. I also l know parents whose children turned out to be murderers, drug pushers, and thieves, who were disappointed and ashamed of their children, but still loved them. Just because you’ve never experienced it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

[Tracii G]

Yeah just because you haven't experienced it Alice there no reason to be so jaded about it.
I have known unconditional love from a dog but from a human I would think things could change if something happened.
My 1st wife fell out of love with me and stabbed me in the back and so did my second one.
I loved both of them but now can't stand either one of them and they know it.
I am somewhat jaded against women and find some of them reprehensible but I will not claim all are that way.

[char GG]

It's pretty obvious that the OP doesn't want any opinions that don't agree with the OP's
own thoughts. This thread is done