Big changes for Abbie

[abbiedrake]

So it's been a little while since I last posted, a month or so, and a lot has happened.
I'll try to be succinct. Even I get pissed off with my verbiage sometimes.


Those who've followed my story will know I'm a full time carer to my American wife of 20+ years. That I came out as a crossdresser (much to my own surprise) 2 years ago. And that Lee was diagnosed with breast cancer in February.


Lee's struggled with my dressing. She seemed actually quite supportive throughout 2018, even buying me dresses and shoes. But by last Christmas it became clear to her that this is not a phase as she'd hoped and she made her displeasure known I'd just coined the name Abigail and joined this site so I was feeling more like me than I ever had. I even quit drinking after 30 years. It's zero exaggeration to say I should have died in 2018.


So because of her unhappiness I didn't dress. Then she was disgnosed with the cancer and asked to not deal with my gender issues until she'd completed treatment. I assented, not wishing to add to her already full plate.


Ah were it ever that simple.


I started dressing a little hybrid. Knickers. She'd noticed the VPL. Bangles. She hated the sound. Just little touches. I figured I was doing pretty well at keeping to my word since had I my choice I'd have dressed more fully but this constant low level femininity wasn't doing her any favours.


Despite nothing else having changed really everything has changed. In early September just after her lumpectomy surgery I attended an NB social and it was good. I made a really good friend there who lives close by and whom I've seen on a regular basis since. She never calls me anything other than Abbie.
Then in discussion with another girlfriend, in Canada, I was asked to recount my CD life story. This was a watershed because well one I'm not writing again, for the first time in years. But also in the course of writing the tale I remembered a number of incidents in my life that I'd so thoroughly repressed as to render them non-existent. I'd already realised some months ago that this is a part of me. I thought I was at peace with being a crossdresser. However I not recognise I'm trans. Simple as.


Except 'simple' isn't ever a part of the equation. I don't want to lose my marriage. I have an awful lot invested in it. So, since these epiphanies I've been trying to realise a compromise. I now venture out as me (yay me. Kept that quiet didn't I? !), at the moment once a week, but that time as Abbie assuage my dysphoria to enough of a degree (at the moment) that the rest of the time I'm 100% Chris. I keep hoping that this is enough for her, because ultimately it's the best I can do. After almost half a century trying to be someone I'm not I can't go back in that box. It was me drinking myself to death, not Chris. I had to in order to silence myself enough. In order to try to comply with the multiplicity of voices telling me 'boys don't think, feel, act or speak like that'.


So yeah that's my news of the last month or so...

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[BTWimRobin]

Welcome back Abbie! I really hope everything works out well for you.

[abbiedrake]

Thanks Robin. Hell I know it wasn't that long but I did miss you guys.
As for the future well we'll see. I have no expectations right now. But I can no longer not be myself.

[GaleWarning]

I'm glad (and impressed!) that you managed to stop drinking!

[abbiedrake]

Thanks. Cold turkey overnight when I was drinking 8 times the maximum the UK government recommends. About 20 units a night. Like I said I should have died. Especially as I was on blood pressure meds for the last 8 months of my drinking.

After I came up with my name, which I haven't once wavered on btw, I just didn't need it anymore. Accepting myself as Abbie meant I didn't need to drink myself into a stupor.

Plus I lost two stone. I've dropped two dresses and two Bra sizes lol.
I was super thrilled at the latter when I got fitted t Victoria's Secret.

[Bobbi46]

Abbie you sure sailed close to the wind but you had the inner strength to pull yourself out of things shows strong courage and character I hope the future holds good for you.
best wishes

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Abbie,

Congratulations on the weight loss!

Marion

[GretchenM]

You are quite right - simple is never a part of the equations that guide us or others. If we were protozoans it might work, but we aren't. So it is complex. It is sort of a dance between identities - ours and others. Unfortunately, we can't feel what someone else actually feels. Empathy puts you in the ballpark, but just barely. Add compassion and your location in the ballpark becomes a little more defined and allows a little more ability to sense what another is experiencing and be able to adjust yourself to be in a more or less complementary location in the dance. Hopefully they will do the same.

It is very good that you are so considerate of her difficulties - that is a good part of love. But, once again, it goes back to the dance of identities and expectations. She has needs; you have needs. Neither of you should feel like they have to put their needs or feelings on hold while the other does their thing or deals with their problems. In my view, the solution to that is communicating and setting clear boundaries. That communication though should be based on emotions and feelings and awareness of each other's needs whether anyone agrees with the details or not. Facts are important, but can't be the guiding principles because what you are communication about is 95% emotional and 5% factual. Once you can relate to how this or that behavior makes the other FEEL and that understanding is mutual then you can begin to set boundaries. The boundaries are not set on each person's personal preferences as if alone but rather how the connection between the two affect those personal preferences. This can then lead to setting boundaries based on feelings, empathy, compassion rather than facts. Hard to do, but it works well.

[Tracii G]

I am happy you quit drinking and that is a huge deal I know I did it cold turkey as well.
Quit smoking cold turkey in 2014 too.

[donnalee]

Stress can help define a lot of things. My own dressing only became something I had to do after my SO was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was in an extremely stressful job situation. It becomes a survival behavior with an urgency that is impossible to ignore.

[Alice Torn]

Abbie. Good for you! Who ever said liiife was easy? I 'd like to talk to them. One day at a time. Easy does it, my friend.

[Teresa]

Abbie,
Writing an unbiased lifestory does help in so many ways , when I came out top my wife I had taken the trouble to right it down but she refused to read it , but she always knew where the envelope was . It also proved useful when I had my gender counselling , there were things I had written that I may not have mentioned or overlooked but those little details did help her to ask the right questions .

I appreciate you are facing a dilemma , you know your caring wouldn't change no matter how you dress , so why do you need to hold back . I understand your wife needs the man as a strong support and she possibly can't see how you can support her as Abbie . No one wants to lose a marriage but at some point it has to come down to both agreeing life apart is a better option , no one is saying you can't still care for each other , in fact it might even work better .

Despite all this you've managed to find to time out as Abbie , it does feel good , you can now start to answer some of your own questions about your future , do you want more or is the ocasional outing enough , has it helped with answering gender issues ? I found the balance didn't come until I was out freely as Teresa , is this what I really want , can I live with it on a daily basis ? A resounding YES I CAN ! I had to smile to myself only last night , I had got up at 6.00 am to shower and shave , have my breakfast , walk the dog and then apply my makeup and dress to be at my painting class by 9.00 am . I finally removed my makeup and slipped on my nightie at 10.30 last night , I smiled because it just felt so normal after 14 hours .

[Crissy 107]

Hey Abbie, I am so happy to hear how good you are doing. You look fabulous and sound better then I have ever heard you. We go back to when you joined here and I am so proud how you have handled things. Good for you! Hugs, Crissy

[Macey]

Abbie, love the new profile photo.

Just coming to these realization should be a great help in going forward with yourself! There'll be a lot to sort out, I reckon, and I hope everything shakes out okay!

[abbiedrake]

Jeez OK ladies. Thank you one and all!

Its been a rocky road for sure and yes I've come a remarkable way in a short span of time, particularly the last month.

I'm at peace with being trans, whether I ever transition or not. That will never, can never, change, despite my love for Lee. She saw me fully dressed after a girls' day out on Wednesday and to say she treated me horribly would be the most incredible understatement. Her actions were criminal. And yet, whilst not allowing myself to be a doormat, I'm still hopeful for a way forward together.

Should push come to shove though I can never again be just Chris. That's way too restrictive a box now. I don't know how I lasted so long. Except of course I do. I was drinking myself to death.

I'm very happy as I am. And Teresa it s currently once a week. Its more than I've had in decades but only time will tell. If I were not married I'd already be living 24/7 as the woman I've always been. Hell I can even see my habitual suits as being way too compensatory. And the one I was trying to fool the most was myself.

Thanks for the kind words about the pics. The look is still very much a work in progress (that second pic is the first and only time I've worn foundation lol) but I'm hapoy and I think people see that and have responded overwhelmingly positively.

Thanks again all and ill be sure to keep you posted.

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Hey Abbie, I am so happy to hear how good you are doing. You look fabulous and sound better then I have ever heard you. We go back to when you joined here and I am so proud how you have handled things. Good for you! Hugs, Crissy

11 months lmao
I don't do things by half.

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Abbie, love the new profile photo.

Just coming to these realization should be a great help in going forward with yourself! There'll be a lot to sort out, I reckon, and I hope everything shakes out okay!

It's funny but I feel like so much is already sorted. My marriage is the big question mark but frankly that's now out of my hands. Lee's made it clear she has no interest in a relationship with a woman but how much Chris is enough? We'll have to see. Because if the price is too high I won't be able to stay.

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Stress can help define a lot of things. My own dressing only became something I had to do after my SO was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was in an extremely stressful job situation. It becomes a survival behavior with an urgency that is impossible to ignore.

I totally hear you, Donnalee.
Being a carer is never a picnic. And then you add in any gender issues and the whole thing is a pressure cooker. For me I hadn't actually taken refuge is being Abbie. But in the last year or two it's become more and necessary really just as a function of my age more than anything.
But I do firmly believe I can be a better carer and partner if I can be me. I believe that's a given but try telling it to someone whose constant refrain is 'I married a man'. Well actually you didn't. The person you fell in love with is actually a woman but one who happens to have a body you're fine with. Yeah it's not an easy ask, especially on top of her disabilities.

[Helen_Highwater]

Abbie,

May I ask, have you any indication as to why you're SO suddenly blew cold in relation to your dressing? I'm sure any of us diagnosed with cancer would feel more than a little bit frightened and that can effect a persons outlook on the world and possibly those around them.

As for getting out dressed once a week life is what it is. For me in my closet that would be heavenly but my situation means I have to be content with my occasional weekly holidays. It all comes down to how you rationalise your thoughts. Knowing the limitations of your circumstances.

Getting back to your SO. Is there a path for discussion as to what brought about her change in how she sees your dressing? It's always difficult to move someone away from a postion if you don't know the basis upon which views are held and hence how to persuade a change to take place.

[CynthiaD]

I’m also an alcoholic. I’ve been sober since Christmas of 1974. It’s tough staying sober, but worth it. Even after all these years, I still think about it.

[abbiedrake]

Hey Cynthia I don't describe myself as an alcoholic. I've never been diagnosed, even after I told my doc the true extent.
However I always say I live as though I am so it's basically splitting hairs.
I'm fine being round drink and I feel certain I could drink in moderation now. I simply feel no need to prove that point.

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Helen, she was way cold before the cancer diagnosis.
For her it's just the realisation this is not a phase and in the last few weeks I've been really damn emphatic about that. About how this IS ME.
It's that that she's railing against.

As for the level of dressing yeah I appreciate the limits you have and why you make the choices you do. There is a certain amount I'm willing to compromise but like I said I've come to terms with the fact I'm trans. There's only so far compromise will take me.

[docrobbysherry]

So, u wear Very Purple Leggings and attended a New Brunswick T event? Congrats, Abbie!:thumbsup:

[abbiedrake]

Sherry lol

Visible Pantie Lines
And Non-Binary

Silly!!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Abbie :hugs:, Congratulations on being Dry, You sure have a lot on your plate to deal with.


>>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid ..0:daydreaming:0..

[Bobbi46]

Abbie you have acheived great things just by conquering the alcohol issue, have strength for the future, be true to your beliefs and talk as much as you can with wifeling I always say there has to be way through everything.

[abbiedrake]

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Me last Friday.

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So. More seismic changes in the Drake household.
After being told to get a job and to move out within 3 months my wife and I may actually save our marriage. We talked at length yesterday and it was a watershed.
Long story short (for a change) we both reiterated out commitment to the marriage. She listened more than I feel she has done. It might have helped I'd spoken to my GP yesterday too (no gender counselling. Yet). But I even got across to Lee that I'm trans though she insists on NB cos for her trans means straight up 'woman trapped in a man's body. Game over'. I'm fine with that, the label doesn't matter given that she clearly understood much more of how intrinsic this is to me.
She even looked at my pics, including the Faceapp ones.
And she said she would be willing to attend the NB social with me.
And the real bombshell? She said she would consider going out with me dressed.

I simple NEVER thought I'd hear those words.

To say I'm a happy girl and that I feel much more secure would be the most ridiculous understatement.

[Patience]

Hope things are moving in the right direction.

[Alice Torn]

Abbie, Thanks for sharing this. It is painful and also amazing to be different, and deeper.