TMI re: wife?s boss

[Mariabella]

Well this is A very small town and it came to me that my wife?s boss is a closeted trans man who is dangerously binding with athletic ace bandages. Like no finger space at all. Wife told me out of concern and I told her she was right to be concerned. Issue is that since he is closeted how to voice concern or even if to voice concern. Wife suggested I approach him as Maria.
I am open to approaching him but am hoping for some thoughts from y?all before and if I do so on boundary ethics regarding closeted folks.
I like to think I would have been open to concern when I was in hiding but I can lie to myself at times.
What are some thoughts on this?

Ps example of my ignorance? Had to edit his pronouns twice. 💁🏽*♀️ I am on a steep learning curve right now👩🏽*🔬

[Katya@]

I am not sure you can do much in a way that every person has their reason to stay in the closet. You can certainly be open about yourself and see if they will be willing to open up to you. If not, it's really their life.

[mbmeen12]

I have one question....Is the boss in an unfriendly community?

If not, you will eventually meet her on her terms....events etc...

[Jeri Ann]

I am open to approaching him but am hoping for some thoughts from y?all before and if I do so on boundary ethics regarding closeted folks.

If someone is in the closet leave them alone.

[pamela7]

self-harming is an aspect of dysphoria, i see no reason why an empathic approach is unreasonable, as they can always decline and also might jump at the chance to talk with a person who really understands.

[Laura912]

Still trying to understand what is dangerously binding. Can you elaborate?

[Aunt Kelly]

What Jeri Ann advises is the best course. If they have not shared openly, they have their reasons. Respect that.

[Mariabella]

she is using athletic ace bandaging and wrapping so tight that when she asked for a shoulder rub from my wife ( she does body work) she noted almost wooden stiffness across her back. and also noted marked compression of the upper thoracic cavity. This tight , even on very small breasts is injurious no only to the breast but to the organs of the thorax.It is medically serious or I would mind my own business completely. This said this person is doing long term self harm due to the many fold factors the go into being trans and in business in a very MAGA/evangelical community and the body dysphoria that comes from denying oneself due to socio-economic factors.
Indeed had this not been medically an issue I would likely just continued being a supportive friend. I suppose the question is does a friend cross boundaries to prevent harm?
If this were a suicide issue it would be a no brainer but this is chronic harm due to gender dysphoria in a place without resources for trans folk and without much tolerance either.

[Nigella]

Well this is A very small town and it came to me that my wife?s boss is a closeted trans man who is dangerously binding with athletic ace bandages. Like no finger space at all. Wife told me out of concern and I told her she was right to be concerned. Issue is that since he is closeted how to voice concern or even if to voice concern.


she is using athletic ace bandaging and wrapping so tight that when she asked for a shoulder rub from my wife ( she does body work)

Could you clarify a couple of points, just in case I missed something.

Was it your wife who informed you of her boss being a closeted trans, or did it come direct from the boss?

Does your wife offer/give as a profession "Body Work"

Do you "know" this person, or are you just an aquaintance (sp) via your wife's employment.

In either case, or both, is this not a breach of trust between your wife and her boss, irrespective of the good intentions.

As many have alluded to, he/she may be closeted for a very good reason, and I'm sure that he/she would not like their "business" to be talked about, especially by an employee.

By approaching him, irrespective of the reasons, could open a can of worms which you may not like.

Just my thoughts

[Mariabella]

This is a person in our circle of friends who happens to be wife?s boss. Origination was from my sister who is very close to this person and my wife who voiced to us both this as a concern. Wife?s verification of this concern was not in a professional setting and not a HIPPA issue and was outside the workplace. Neither my sister or wife have much knowledge of trans masculine issues so they came to me. As I recognize my own limitations I am asking this group. This person is risking harm and is not just an employer but a member of a group of friendly peers. Me being openly trans put the issue in my lap and that said stopping self harm is the sole motivation behind my even asking this.
That our group of peers knows this person is trans but respects their privacy is now at odds with helping a person through a period of self harm.
At this point I lean to a private and discreet talk with offer of a safe and private ear who gets gender dysphoria. My wife?s employment contract with them is coming to a close and I think that is the time to ask them to lunch with Maria. In the meantime I will have my sister discreetly suggest talking with me. Doing nothing is turning my back on a person in pain. I have spent far too many years as a nurturing person to sit idly by and let this beautiful human be harmed by internal demons
Thank you for the thoughts.

[vplshowoff]

IMHO - Your wife is the one that "noted almost wooden stiffness across her back. and also noted marked compression of the upper thoracic cavity." She could easily tell her boss as the knowledgeable body work person that he should see a doctor. You should MYOB.

[Mariabella]

So rather than intrude on the person I kicked it back to my sister who brought it up and who has been friends with the person since school. That said she is going to tell him he has friends who have known for years and he is safe. Out of my hands. But for supporting him as a sister if needed.
Thank you all for your thoughts. They influenced this outcome.

[GaleWarning]

I'm glad that you and your wife realised that it was up to her to broach the matter.
I hope he finds a safer alternative.
And thanks to you and others for their support.

[Patty B.]

Living in a very small town/village 500 residents in village, the advice may not be welcomed and best to leave well enough alone.