Got caught

[Shawn Michelle]

I?ve been sitting back and reading the forum from afar, but not posting since I haven?t been dressing. My adult son has been living with us for about a year and a half, so until recently, Michelle has stayed in out of site. However, I missed her. Usually I get off work about 12:30. My wife doesn?t get home until after 5:00 and my son until 6:30. Until today, he?d call to let me he was coming home early. Today he didn?t, so he saw me dressed. He was only home for a minute to drop something off, then he left. He didn?t want to talk and said just wanted to forget what happened. I called my wife and let her know what happened. He did call me about 20 minutes later and said he didn?t care if I dressed, he said I?m still his dad and that he loves me. We may talk tonight. If we do, I?ll answer his questions. Surprisingly, I didn?t panic or treat it like a ?Holy S***? moment. I thought I?d be upset, but it?s a bit of a relief. I don?t plan on dressing up in front of him, obviously, but I don?t feel like I?m hiding it from him anymore. Maybe I?m getting more comfortable in Michelle?s skin. Still, I don?t quite know where it goes from here. Any thoughts?

[dallasmann]

I hope everything is cool for you. There's no requirement to share every part of yourself with everyone you know, but it sounds like he may not even care even if you do.

[Rhonda Darling]

Michelle. Thoughts, yes. Adult son living in your home. YOUR HOME! Your home, your rules. I’m glad he’s ok with it, otherwise he’d need to get the frick out. You should not need to compromise in your own home if your spouse knows about your dressing. Your spouse is your only significant consideration. An adult child is free to find their own abode if unhappy about anything to do with the living arrangement. “Don’t want to see it?” Get over it or get out!

It’s tough love, but worthwhile. YOU AND YOUR WIFE need to be comfortable in your home. Protect your lifestyle.

Update us as things progress.
Rhonda

[Eemz]

I do agree with Rhonda. He knows now, so if he doesn't want to see then that's easily fixed by moving out. And I'm really glad that it was a relief to you, that's a really healthy reaction.

If you do come to an "arrangement" instead, then make sure that you retain the power, not him. Think it through. I know from my own family that, adult or not, most kids have trouble letting go of the idea that my parents should bend their needs around mine. That's how it's always worked since they were born and it's a difficult transition. But you're all adults now and this is your life.

Some examples of possible arrangements and my opinion:

- you phone him when you're going to dress so that he won't walk in in the middle.
---- no way. that gives him absolute power to say when and if you can dress. no way.

- he phones you when he's coming home unexpectedly so that you can change before he gets there
---- still no. that gives him power to interrupt your dressing whenever he likes. he doesn't even have to come home really.

- he phones you when he's planning to come home unexpectedly and you can say ok but fyi i'm dressed
---- i could live with that. he can choose to stay away if it bothers him, but you retain the power.

and still my favorite...
- you dress whenever you want to in your own house
---- he gets over it

> He did call me about 20 minutes later and said he didn?t care if I dressed,
> he said I?m still his dad and that he loves me.

So it could all go really well then :)

[Helen_Highwater]

Michelle,

From what you've written it seems like there was an initial reaction brought about by shock which was overtaken by a more considered response. A calm considered talk my be the best thing going forward. Your son can't forget what he saw. Having your SO show solidarity with you, letting him know she's okay with your dressing could well help him to come to terms with it and find acceptance.

[Micki_Finn]

Sit and talk to him before you figure “he’s seen me once, I can dress all the time now”. But the bottom line is that he’s an adult and he’s living in your house. If he doesn’t like it he can move. But not everyone takes that tack so if you’re interested in familiar harmony, talk first.

[Tracii G]

I don't see why the adult kid thing at home is so prevalent these days.
At 17 I was out of the house and on my own. Not because of any issues I loved my parents but I thought it was time to be on my own.
Would I have moved back in ? Not a chance.
The last thing I would do is capitulate to any of their demands because its my house.
I think your son knows if he wants a place to live he better be OK with it.
Have the talk regardless and get it all out in the open, you set the boundaries and don't let him make demands.

[alwayshave]

Michelle, he handled it well. Sounds like everything is OK. I have two adult children in my home, so I understand about limited times to dress.

[Jean 103]

I would suggest that if everyone wants to not see you that way, and you are ok with things that way. They simply send you a text giving you a heads up if they are going to be coming home early.

I don't think you need to explain yourself. If anything you might just express that this is something you would like to continue to keep private, if you want things to remain the same.

That is except not having to worry about being walked in on.

[Darla L]

I don't see why the adult kid thing at home is so prevalent these days.
At 17 I was out of the house and on my own. Not because of any issues I loved my parents but I thought it was time to be on my own.
Would I have moved back in ? Not a chance.
The last thing I would do is capitulate to any of their demands because its my house.
I think your son knows if he wants a place to live he better be OK with it.
Have the talk regardless and get it all out in the open, you set the boundaries and don't let him make demands.

I pretty much agree with everything you posted except... There are certain conditions I understand adult children moving back in to get on their feet again.

I left home at 17, pretty much the same as you, Tracii. Dad told me if couldn?t make it, I was welcome to come home, but he didn?t want me to, because he wanted me to make it. I didn?t for 17 years. Second divorce was brutal financially. Dad and I were in the same line of work, so he got me on at the job site he was on. I lived with him and his wife for about 6 months while I got my stuff together financially. I lived there under his terms.

My wife and I have an adult son and his GF living with us with their new baby. He lost his job, and had nowhere else to turn. He?ll get back on his feet, and then they will be gone. In the mean time, he is here under my terms. Unfortunately, it does cut into ?Darla? time, but that is my choice. If he were to surprise me, we would have a talk and he would have to accept it or move.

[MonicaPVD]

Adult kids today have a very different view of life than we did growing up. When I was a child, my bicycle was my ticket to freedom. I rode it everywhere. When I got my license, my world expanded exponentially. When I bought my first car, the universe expanded. That was freedom to go anywhere! Kids today don't even want to drive because their entire universe is contained within a smartphone that fits in their pocket. Everything is accessible there. It's no wonder that they have no qualms about living at home with their parents. They never had the motivation to escape in the first place like we did. I don't know if that's better or worse. It's just different.

[Lilly Diadem]

He probably thought "So Dad dresses too! Yay I'm not the only one!" :battingeyelashes:

Hope it all works out :)

[Shawn Michelle]

Well, his only question to me that night was “Who else knows?”
But today, it nearly happened again.
I was on the back porch eating when the dog started barking. I went to the edge of the back window where I could see the front door and it was my father dropping a plant off. He didn’t come in and he didn’t see me. The garage doesn’t have any windows so he probably assumed I was still at work. Another bullet dodged. I’m not quite sure how I would react if he found out. My next step is to get curtains for the front door so people don’t have an open view of my living room.
On a different note, I’ve been saving my pennies and went on a shopping spree. Ordered a ton of stuff and now I have to sit back and wait for it to arrive.
Dressing will be at a premium for the next month. Daughter is coming back from college and my son is about to graduate from the vo-tech school second week of December. He’s already looking for a job and has some leads, so we’ll see where that goes.
Happy Thanksgiving.

[BettyMorgan]

I don't see why the adult kid thing at home is so prevalent these days.
At 17 I was out of the house and on my own. Not because of any issues I loved my parents but I thought it was time to be on my own.
Would I have moved back in ? Not a chance.
The last thing I would do is capitulate to any of their demands because its my house.
I think your son knows if he wants a place to live he better be OK with it.
Have the talk regardless and get it all out in the open, you set the boundaries and don't let him make demands.

First, it doesn't matter why there is an adult child living with Shawn (or any parent). Young people today live with very different circumstances than we did when we were young.
Second, it's actually good that this happened, although you didn't have control of the time and place, it is a starting point for a conversation. If you want to live an authentic life, then you can now explain your gender non-conforming life to your child. And if they are young, and went to a school that was accepting of LGBTQ students and you yourself have taught your child to be accepting of LGBTQ people, then chances are it won't be a big deal to them. Best of luck.

[Sarah Handy]

My daughter move in with us after her divorce and it is very hard not to dress. As of now I am sneaking around again it sucks but what can I do.

[Tracii G]

Betty you have to admit today's kids are soft and have little motivation.

[Judy-Somthing]

I told my daughter last year I dress now and then and she told my son, he said his fetish was worst than mine but, didn't say what it was!
LIFE!

[BettyMorgan]

Betty you have to admit today's kids are soft and have little motivation.

Some days I worry about our collective futures. Lol.