Christmas should be good, but...

[Ceera]

This year, as we did last year, my daughter and I will travel two hours to Portland for the Holidays, to spend four nights with my late wife’s side of the family - staying with one of my sisters in law and her husband, and celebrating with her daughter, her daughter’s husband, my other sister and law and her husband, and several of their friends. We will arrive mid-day Christmas eve, and stay for a full day of after Christmas shopping with our host sister in law and her daughter, so the four of us have a ‘Girls-only’ outing at the mall after-sales. My in-law side of the family are completely accepting of my transitioning, so the stuff with them should be great. I should also be able to visit a niece who is my sister’s oldest daughter, her husband, and their three year old twin girls - my great nieces. Their family, as well as my sister’s other three kids and their spouses or SO’s also accept my transitioning and welcome me as a woman.

But... while my sister loves and accepts me, her husband totally rejected me from the moment he first heard I was cross dressing part time. He has banned me from any family gatherings at their home that he is at. Which means I can’t celebrate Christmas with my only sister, or my closest blood relations on my own side of the family. *sigh* At my sister’s request, her husband has been kept in the dark about my having transitioned fully, because he already gives my sister a hard time about me, and he would get far worse if he knew I was full time female now. This has made it difficult for me to come out to various cousins and old friends who I only have contact with via my old male Facebook account, because that hateful brother in law can see that account too easily

It is possible that my sister may manage to meet me somewhere, without her husband, while I am there. She lives a few hours further north, but could conceivably make a trip by herself to one of her four adult kids’ homes, or to some neutral place, and arrange to meet me there. Or I may not get to see her at all.

Oh well... considering the troubles many trans people have with family rejection, I count myself as lucky to only have one negative relative.

[Crissy 107]

Ceera, I feel the last line of your post says it all, you have one negative relative, try and not let this ruin Christmas as you have so many on the in-law side that are fine with you. This guy is most likely a jerk in general and you are not the only person he has treated poorly.
I know you would love to see your sister and that may still hopefully happen so that is a positive thing. Good luck and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

[Helen_Highwater]

Ceera,

It does seem the only realistic solution is for the jerk to stay at home and your sister comes to you.

Your sister needs to remind her SO that when all's said and done, you are her close blood relative and it's only right and natural that you see each other from time to time. Christmas is one of those times families congregate so he'll need to suck it up and keep his opinions to himself. If as a result he's spending part of the holiday alone, tough.

I hope you can work things out.

[Ceera]

Hellen, at least he does not object to her seeing me without him. But since her kids and grand kids - my nieces, nephew, and two great nieces - will naturally expect to spend at least Christmas eve with my sister, as their mom or grandmother, it does leave me out for the primary event, as well as for Thanksgiving dinners.

Her husband is a sour, hate-filled man, who is suffering from many medical complications which are likely to shorten his life considerably. They almost lost him on several occasions in the past few years, and even he doubts he has more than a single handful of years left to him. I won’t begrudge her or her kids and grand kids for putting up with his last few years with them. We all know that all too soon, she will be widowed, and that shall resolve the matter. For all his faults, he does love my sister, and she loves him. I can wait, patiently, to be fully back in her life again. If anything, I feel sad for him. He has let so many bad things consume his mind, when his life could be so much better... It is futile to expect him to change at this point. And even before he learned the first ways I was changing, we disliked each other, so I actually welcome not having to deal with him any more.

I will enjoy myself, certainly. As will my daughter. And there is one good thing in all of this. My transitioning has been hard for my sister to come to grips with. She loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy, but it is still hard for her, as we have always loved each other deeply. She needs time to cope with ‘losing’ the brother she has loved for so long, and adapting to loving me just as much as the sister she never had. So... being apart while I complete the last few years of my transition journey will give her more time to become comfortable with having a sister, rather than a brother.

[Davina Katherine]

You have a true admirable attitude, Ceera. You seem to have been able to shield yourself from your brother-in-law's spitefulness. Bless you.

[GretchenM]

Holy cow, Ceera, that is a really tough situation. One person controls everything. Well, not quite, but controls a lot. What is admirable is your outlook on it and your desire to find a work around so you can spend time with your sister. Of course, spending that time with her is so very important as she is adjusting to having a brother that became a sister. That's hard, too. But you are such a caring, sensitive woman I am sure you will find a solution that is at least acceptable even if far from ideal.

I have a sister-in-law who criticized me for carrying a bag with my things it rather than stuffing my pockets. They live in a different city to the south of Denver where conservative and, uh, prejudice and discrimination toward people like us is rather common. If they lived in Denver they might have a different attitude, although there are rejectors here as well.

At a family dinner she showed her displeasure without actually banning me. Just implied that I should not show any hint of feminine expression. She has never been told, although I suspect my wife has told her about her "different" husband and my wife is accepting to the point where I am allowed to be Gretchen so long as my wife doesn't have to see it or be involved in it. It is a really uncomfortable situation that has hints of what you experience with your brother-in-law but without the extreme control that he exerts on you. I still get together with my sister-in-law and her husband and they are good friends, but I have to be very careful. Sometimes it is a cruel world we live in. But I admire you for making the best of a really bad situation.

[alwayshave]

Ceera, I'm sorry that your brother in law is being such a jerk to you. Enjoy your in laws and I hope you get to see your sister.

[Stephanie47]

I've read and reread your post several times. If I had any say in the matter I'd tell my sister to tell her husband you have fully transitioned to being a woman. He may be operating under the impression that you like to wear women's clothing and nothing more....just a plain vanilla cross dresser. I have found over the years from just listening to people that many are more accepting of the concept that a person may be born into the wrong physical body. Many people think a man who wears women's clothing has some sort of 'kink.'

In my wife's extended family one of her cousins has a girl born child who is fully transitioning to a male. The mother-daughter relationship is a thing of the past. I can only image the mixed emotions that woman experiences. If your brother-in-law is going to rant and rave and take out your transitioning on your sister, then the rest of the family needs to set him on his prejudice ass. She is not responsible for anything you do. On a personal note my mother was one of the most toxic people I have ever known. When she finally passed on it was joy in "ding dong the witch is dead!" I'm sure your brother-in-law rants and raves about a lot of other things.

[docrobbysherry]

I have gotten much closer with my 70 y/o sister recently, Ceera. She is the one that makes the continued effort to see me and my adult, live in, daughter. Driving the 3.5+ hours each way to visit us.:doh:

Obviously, your sister isn't making the effort to see u. And, u aren't, to see her. But, you're both still young and may be busy with kids and grandkids, etc?

Maybe your relationship will become more important to one or both of u in time?:hugs: