The in-between stage

[Katrina]

To those of you that are in the process of transitioning and living full-time: how often do you get read? I realize that it has as much or more to do with how you carry yourself as what you look like, but I'm wondering how that affects your day-to-day life. How long did you remain most-time as a guy while you were on hormones and doing electro?

The reason I ask is I'm seriously considering getting my hairline fixed, growing my hair long, and getting facial electro done. My GF is ok, but not thrilled about those things. I don't think she would be cool with it if I couldn't pass as a guy most of the time even though I would be ok with it.

[jillinla]

seems like ur at the almost maybe perhaps to mayber begin stage
--
if ur serious luv, the grlfriend is gone
--
see a doctor

[Clare]

Basically, investigate all the options and don't go down the path of no return.

If you eventually decide you don't want to transition after long term hormone treatment, do you really want to stay a man with natural breasts?

Getting a facial electro done might be permnent, but you can still look like a guy can't you?

Just choose wisely!

[Maria D]

Well, in total before going full time I'd been on hormones 6 months or so, and had 6 lots of IPL. I'd been growing my hair for about 2 years or so, and was a generally effeminate man for about that time. Pierced ears, painted nails, plucked eyebrows, you get the idea. Still a man, but definitely 'one of those' men, as in, not getting away with looking normal, which I think you mean by 'most-time guy'?
Basically, there's no 'wake up different one day' thing, there's just a huge 'guy looks girly thing' followed by a 'that girl is a man' thing, sadly. So, if transition is looking like an option for you, be aware it's a long haul of looking 'different' to people. You have to be able to take that.

Been full time since the beginning of Feb, and lets be honest, I feel like I look like a man. I feel like everyone who sees me reads me, simple as that. I still have dark facial hair and my voice sounds like the Walrus of Love. But I don't care anymore, this is about me, not them. So, how many really read me? I honestly don't know; everyone I speak to for certain. Other than blatant staring, I'm not sure how I'd tell the others.

My biggest tip, if I may, would be to start remiving facial hair EARLY on. Like, yesterday. It won't affect your manly life much if you choose not to transition, but it will be a HUGE thing if you do. Shaving every day before makeup, cuts, leaving hair to grow before electro, as a lady, how ugly do I feel? Trust me, start now :) And if you don't transition, you only lose a Captain Birdseye, rather than as Clare says, get stuck with boobs. They were embarrassing as a man in honesty.

Take care :)

[tv_rachael]

i have had 2 lots of ipl,

my hair is about 2inches and SUCH A MESS.... i need it cut soooo bad, but i dont want to :(

gonna try buying hair straightners and see if i can manage it

[Katrina]

Thanks girls. I realize that I risk losing my GF if I go down that path. I'm struggling everyday as to whether I want to go that direction or stay a guy who dresses a lot.

[Natasha Anne]

I'll tell you a harder one, that I'm experiencing. The "just getting past the middle" stage.

At the moment it's hard getting my credit card accepted, because it has Mr on it and my bank refuses to accept it. Today I got told I could not use my husbands card and had to argue with the clerk to get her to take it. Gosh, it just started happening all of a sudden. What a dilemma!

[Natasha Anne]

Are you or aren't you. I can't tell you what your experiences are, but I can say I got to a point where saving my marriage, career and everything else just got so overwhelmed I had no way to face life other than to proceed. It seemed like a decision I had to make at one point, and what actually happened one day is that it became my only path with no alternatives. It all crashed down on me rather roughly, like it was a house of cards I'd built and a gust of wind just swept my supports away.

Perhaps one day you will face that, if not, consider yourself lucky. At least you'll always have your sense of style, and your potential losses will be minimized.

I'm both happy I'm proceeding, and sad for the family I'm losing. It's hell, but I feel like I'm OK for the first time in my life. Not happy mind you, just OK. Happiness takes more than just being the correct sex.


Thanks girls. I realize that I risk losing my GF if I go down that path. I'm struggling everyday as to whether I want to go that direction or stay a guy who dresses a lot.

[Katrina]

Natasha,
I don't know if I am TS or not. I'm beginning to think that I am and it scares me. How did you know that you needed to do this? Did you spend a lot of time thinking about it? Did every 5th thought that entered your mind tell you that you should be a girl? That is about the ratio for me. My doc thinks I'm TS I think.

[Deborah]

Natasha,
I don't know if I am TS or not. I'm beginning to think that I am and it scares me. My doc thinks I'm TS I think.

I know how you feel about being TS. I think i am also and may never do anything about it, but i have a feeling i am.
Why do you think your doc thinks your TS? Did he/she say anything in particular? Sorry for being nosey.

[Natasha Anne]

I'd hate to steer you in the wrong direction for you. Everyone has their own experiences and needs to find out who they are by themselves. As much as we rely on the medical profession for assistance, ultimately it will always boil down to you. At some point you will know and it will be irrefutable.

For me, it was the constant thoughts, followed by expressing myself more freely, finding the courage to be me, followed by ultimately knowing what I was to such a degree that my first visit to the psychiatrist was to tell him what I was and what I wanted to do, more than it was about investigating myself. The psychiatrist has been wonderful in helping me deal with the external factors that affect me (family, friends and work), but I had no doubts about who I was even then.

If I really look back at what could be called "doubts", they were more fear of the unknown the being a woman. So instead of battling myself, I decided I'd just try and figure that stuff out. Self-acceptance is a powerful drug, far more powerful than any affirmation others may give you. Once you have that and you start planning on how to break the news, cope with who you are and ensure you future is a lot brighter than you might imagine a TS' life could be it becomes a lot simpler. I don't want to underplay the fact that transitioning is challenging, but I firmly believe from my experiences so far that a lot of pain can be averted by simply stopping questioning who you are and taking some positive steps to simply be who you are.

One of the key things I discovered was that my female friends were far more useful in helping me come to terms with myself than anyone else could have been. They just knew all along, and even before my discussions about transitioning they were allowing me into their worlds and sharing things with me they would never normally have. When it finally transpired they said they'd known for ages and were glad I'd finally come to terms with it. If you have friends like that, turn to them and don't be afraid. They simply had no doubt, but were to scared to make the suggestion so they'd just let me in, so to say.

Right now my uncertainties are more centered on whether I'll be "authentic", because there are simply so many stereotypically female things I don't like and also because I had no real female childhood experiences. I realize there are some many different types of women in the world, and not all of them like the things I worry about not liking. Overall though, I feel more akin to my new gender than I ever did in my old. I love being with "the girls", socializing with them, feeling pretty and discussing and doing things that seem so important to me, but no man would ever really understand.

Rambling over... I hope some of it was useful to you :)


Natasha,
I don't know if I am TS or not. I'm beginning to think that I am and it scares me. How did you know that you needed to do this? Did you spend a lot of time thinking about it? Did every 5th thought that entered your mind tell you that you should be a girl? That is about the ratio for me. My doc thinks I'm TS I think.

[CaptLex]

Self-acceptance is a powerful drug, far more powerful than any affirmation others may give you. Once you have that and you start planning on how to break the news, cope with who you are and ensure you future is a lot brighter than you might imagine a TS' life could be it becomes a lot simpler . . . . I hope some of it was useful to you :)

Well, Natasha, it's sure helpful to me. Thank you for those words, you'll never know how comforting they are and how much hope they bring. :)

[lydia7]

Well said Natasha, and I agree. The thoughts comes up more depending on your life experiences and activities (ie, things that remind you or yourself and situation). When I was a kid, I just never felt right doing the stereotypical boy things, I identified more with women, found friendships, bonding, and accepted my manneurisms from women. For a few years I really tried to give it the old college try---and the result was an assumption by all that I was gay. Though now, I would identify as sexually "bi" I did not do well trying to be a traditional male. After leaving for college, my feelings were more of acceptance "as I am" than what is right for me.

Prevailing thought to look for: "I wish I could be the way I am and just be accepted" from the community. Ironically, the 90's were more accepting times for young people than you'd think. Now, we have communities llike this one to support and cheer for each other. I can say that getting the support from your family and at least 2-3 close friends is very much paramount to reaching the comfort level I needed to "take the plunge" and be myself 100% 24/7. It became less of my trying to be what I thought I should be, and more just being myself. Everything else was just helping me fit in. My Mom was insistant that if I was going to transition and undergo SRS, I had to have a bag of tricks, so plastic surgery, make-up, clothes were all provided...In retro, I know she just wanted to have a daughter that looked like a daughter, not a son that looked like one. TS does not start with needs of "fitting in" but freedom to express your natural persona--hopefully you get a feeling of belonging in the process. I am not sure if it came out right, but in summary...the way you know is how you feel when you are naked. If the majority of those thoughts say "I am woman despite my genetics" then you are likely TS. Wouldn't it be nice if every TS/TG/CD and SO took a day to stand up as a group? We could call it "Show and Tell", lol ;)

[Nlenro-nu2]

Hi I'm Nelronu or Nelro-nu2, It seems you went through similar experience as I have . I've heard the word Bi many times but don't know what that means! I however was born female at birth and gender changed to male in my birth year. My Mom had this done to me because she thought my dad wanted a boy! If she had known the truth I wouldn't gotten changed to male and I wouldn't have known the fun it is to crossdress. Sure I use to get hurt upset and angry at everyone that insults me. I still do some of that towards the extremely persistent insulters. I even got into Witchcraft
to teach the cruel insulters a lesson. Nowadays I crossdress as much as I can get away with. Yet publicly I'm still show up like a male.. except on Halloween and few other holidays. Last time I walked downtown dressed as a female someone said "There's the Drag quuen". Apparently I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did. I don't really want to attract Males because most I've seen & heard are Cruel and I don't want that! I do have a mean sister who wants to be male.. shes not ready to admit that to anyone. She didn't exactly admit it to me but it's what she said and how she said it.. too detailed to go into here!! Well anyhow I love wearing women's clothing it fits better than men's and more comfy. Sometimes I even wear the womans clothing to bed and I get a far better sleep than if I were in men's pj's. I just wish I could go around as a female and people see me as a female not some guy in drag. I don't have the money to get a gender change but I doubt if I would if I had the $6,000 to get it down. I get think of a lot better uses for $6,000. I know one guy that robbed the church collection plate to get his gender changed to female. Another did house hopping. Had a Landlord or Landlady sign a form so that he would take it to the Social Services and apply for Welfare. He got the money stayed in the place for 2 months than moved to the next town with a different Social Service people stayed 2 months at the place he rented there and kept doing that same tactic until he had the money he needed to become a female. Anothe guy was A Salvation Arm Santa and he ran off with the money to get a Gender change! As for me I'm too honest to do those kind of tactics. How do I know? I did assistance work for June Ledrum a Social Worker... I got some money that way and learned alot! Of course I'm not mentioning anyones names I respect their privacy. They probably aren't really dishonest it's sometimes desperate situations get people doing desperate things to get what or out of an unwanted situation.
I'm 56 now and I figure it's about time I life my live rather than suffer it! Most of my life was Hell to me! Well as I said Love womans clothes and I'm wearing them as much as I can get away with! If some one calls me gay... I either start talking in tongues( usually Indian) or send them a curse! I don't get upset at it anymore! I just realize people are stupid.
There's 2 ways to exist in life... In Kanada it's without the spirit like the walking dead.. this is putting image as more valuable that spirit(feeling or soul). many perceive that the majority do this.
the other is In Kudalini: You put spirit and comfort as more valiuable than image.. Many perceiveonly the minority do this,
Who says the Many are right in their perceptions? They might be wrong!
Blessed be to all thee that art without ridiculity!
Blessed be to all the spirituall free
Blessed be to all who enjoy their reality!
( not talking of houses but of spirit)

Amon-laylee-Awkqwua
Nlenro-nu2

[lynnrichards]

From reading your posts, I gather that you're fairly new to all of this. I just want to encourage you to follow what's in your heart. You are very fortunate to have so many options. You are relatively young, extremely attractive and have the potential for being quite passable. I just want to wish you luck with whatever you choose to do.

Lynn Richards

[Priss]

Being read, is really a fact of life when it comes to walking this path. At some time or another it will happen. Whether it's on the phone, or just one of your more androgenous looking days, it will happen sometime. For some, there is a definate need of doing things to keep it down to a minimum. For others, they won't have to do a thing and it will only happen on a rare occasion.

It's all in how you let it affect you. Most people don't do anything to offend us on purpose. Although there are those who will... I tend to get read a lot on the phone, usually when Iam talking to someone new. I usually get an apology however once I tell them my name... "Oh, I'm sorry mam"... If I were to jump up and down and make a big deal about it, I'd draw more attention to it than I want and then perhaps solidify an idea into someone's head. The subtle act of telling them my name however usually is enough to rectify any situation I encounter.

When someone calls me sir, I do not let it get me down. The only time it bothers me is when someone becomes extremely insistant on it, even after some correction. I've found that more often than not, those people will go out of their way to stay away from me anyway, and then I don't find them offensive because they are not around. I've been fortunate, in that I haven't yet run into someone who could not atleast be civil when when we were interacting.

[Katrina]

Thanks so much for the tips, anecdotes, and comments. I still need to do a lot of soul searching. My GF and I had a real heart-to-heart on Friday where we both cried gallons (liters to you metric folks). I told her there is a distinct possiblity that I will want to transition at some point in my life. That was one of the hardest things I have had to say in my life. I still don't know what I want or need to be. There are days when I think I really want to be a woman full time and there are days I think that I should just stay a CDing guy. I'm so confused.

[JOANNE]

The feelings will always be with you. I managed to suppress mine for years but they eventually returned with a bang.

[Nlenro-nu2]

Hi! I'm Nlenro-nu2 In case you don't know: the brain says one sex at birth and sometimes the body doesn't get the correct signals so the body sometimes becomes different what the brain sex is. Psychologists and Psychiatrists say it's a chemical imbalance and they prescribe things like seroquel, risperdol, chloropromozene. These nulify the brain sex receptors. This makes one feel empty without goal not knowing what's up or down. I went through this and it's not a good way to life.. Society was satisfied but I sure wasn't
it was like being the walking dead! I'm finally off the pills and crossdress as much as I can get away with! Fools call it things like gay or queer. Oh by the way there is society that pays people to call people gay, queer or fag, cause the society says they are shameful to Society. The Society ADM
Anti-dis-establish-mentarianism. They believe if one is of the body of a man it's more important than the spirit even if the spirit is female. Well I totally disagree with their believe. Let's see what does God say: What shalt thou gain if thou gain the world and lose thy soul(spirit)? See God would want us to value our spirit more than our body we may have! it's far better to please God than to please society... is it not?

[~Dee~]

its natural for people to second guess their actions, especially the important ones.

i know that i second guessed myself for ages. i feared making a wrong choice, feared losing my wife, feared what the world would think, feared what my friends would think.
then one day my wife got me to look at all those fears, really look at them .. and i realised that i didnt actually fear them ... but they sure made good excuses for the fear i was feeling.

its a step into the unknown. the real real big unknown ..
afterall, its like a different world if you let your fears tell you how you are going to live your life.
you get so caught up in the fear and self doubt that you never actually move forward, whichever way forward might be.

try to be yourself and try to relax into just expressing who you are ..
and dont be scared of where it takes you .. cause thats just who you are.
its ok to be transexual, and its ok to be someone who likes to crossdress lots... so long as you find thats who you are .. i dont see thats a problem at all.

ive just recently got through telling all my friends and i say .. "this is just who i am."
they now know that this is something that i just have to do... theyve supported my choice so far and helped however they can.

i dont think anyone i going to tell you that transitioning is a piece of cake .. but i also i dont think that too many people will be able to say that making the choice to transition was all that simple either.

sometimes its good to talk to people in order to try to figure out things about ourselves. this could be a counsellor or doctor, close friend or gf.
it can be hard to talk to people close to you about this sort of thing, but you might find a councellor who is schooled in this specific subject might be helpful to help clear your thoughts up...

just dont get caught up in the fear or the confusion, thats only going to end up driving you nutty.
be you.
if it doesnt feel right,
try being a different you.
when you find that you, work on keeping up the courage to hold onto that you.

good luck.
D.

[Nyx]

I don't see what's up with this whole idea of "never being able to pass as a guy again"..... YOU WISH.

Seriously, if you were 12 and started taking hormones and anti-androgens, maybe you could achieve such a feat. But even then, just having short hair, you could look like a guy. I know some F2M TSs that do.

The fact is, most M2F TSs will need ALOT of work to even be just passable. Unless you get surgery, your body and facial shape will always look masculine in several ways, not to mention your voice... So getting rid of the beard and adding some hair won't exactly have people permanently mistake you for Demi Moore.

[Natasha Anne]

Sure, but I must also add the "passing" as a woman becomes a whole lot easier. 9 months into hormones and 66 hours into electrolysis, I get called ma'am even when I'm wearing a simple pair of jeans and am overdue for a visit to electrolysis.

It has surprised me. I even had to change my credit cards, because even without make-up I was being told I was not allowed to use my husband's cards.

If I put some effort in (haircut, stopped the hormones, and found my deep voice again) I could easily appear male again, but despite my 6' height and big feet, I'm still taken as female by everyone these days, and not just out of politeness.

This all reminds me that I need a new photo for my avatar. I had rhinoplasty two weeks ago, and my hair is a bit longer than that picture shows because it was taken in late Jan. Aah, vanity...


I don't see what's up with this whole idea of "never being able to pass as a guy again"..... YOU WISH.

Seriously, if you were 12 and started taking hormones and anti-androgens, maybe you could achieve such a feat. But even then, just having short hair, you could look like a guy. I know some F2M TSs that do.

The fact is, most M2F TSs will need ALOT of work to even be just passable. Unless you get surgery, your body and facial shape will always look masculine in several ways, not to mention your voice... So getting rid of the beard and adding some hair won't exactly have people permanently mistake you for Demi Moore.

[michelle19845]

"time is the wisest counselor".give things time and it will fall more towards the direction you belong.keep in mind,some of us are "andro" (in some cultures a "3rd gender") we are supposed to express both genders and would apparently "not be too happy if permanent in one of them forever".keep reading and remember some change some don't.i wish you the best of luck !


michelle19845

[Ms. Donna]

I still don't know what I want or need to be. There are days when I think I really want to be a woman full time and there are days I think that I should just stay a CDing guy. I'm so confused.

I wrote nearly the exact same thing in 1997. Yea, it can be confusing as hell. And if your confused, you're not ready to transition.

You're a smart girl and know this, but I'll mention it anyway:

I can not stress this enough: Do not let anyone tell you that you are a transsexual or pressure you into doing something - not us, your GF, your family or your doctor - especially a doctor.

Grow your hair, get the electro, even live 'as a women' for a while if you want - you'll have to anyway if you plan to transition. None of these will prevent you from being a 'guy'. You need to figure out your 'what' before you consider the 'how'.

Transitioning is a huge step and you need to be sure that this is your final court of appeals on the issue. If you're hell-bent on doing it, the pshrinks can be easily fooled, you'll get your 'papers' and can have it done. And if you ultimately realize that it wasn't the right thing, you're screwed.

Transitioning, for the most part, will not 'solve' any psychological issues you have. In fact, it can make them even worse. As I said, you need to be sure that this is your only option.

Love & Stuff,
Donna