CD'ing taking away from "man-time"?

[ellbee]

Let's face it, ladies: CD'ing can -- and oftentimes does -- soak up a lot of time, money, energy, focus, etc.


Of course, these are resources that *could* potentially be utilized elsewhere, for more productive means. You know, like, what other non-CD'ing guys can (and should? :strugglin ) be doing.

And yet... *We* aren't.

Instead, we're getting all dolled-up & stuff. :battingeyelashes:


Hey, we're stuck with this, and we're not choosing this, per se. So, I have to cut us some slack.



What brought this up, was that I was recently watching a YouTube video-series of some random guy fixing up a half-completed mansion abandoned 20 years ago.

*He* is using his time/money/energy/focus to do something positive with his life, to better his & his family's.

But me? I'm busy getting all dolled-up, instead.


Sometimes I feel like I got the short-end of the stick.

And yes... No wonder why many women aren't exactly cool with all this CD'ing stuff -- at least when it comes to "mate material."

Apparently we're defective goods, in their eyes. So, I kinda get that, from that angle. :(


What say ye?

[Tracii G]

I still have a few more I guess you would call guy hobbies that take up disposable income.

[Lydianne]

Sometimes I feel like I got the short-end of the stick.


"Sometimes?" . . I would take the blue pill! :straightface:.. and not even with the hope of gaining manness or family life that I have chosen not to get involved with. None of that matters to me. Just plainly to rid myself of the inflating trans.

OK, with the heart of a CDer, I would want the pink one, obviously. However, my brain knows that a cis male and a cis female both feel equally comfortable with their genders. Therefore, the blue pill would be an equally effective solution as the pink one. It's the in-betweenness where the struggle originates. I'm exhausted, I've done a lot of damage, and then I think how many years of this I have left.. :sigh:, I worry what will happen when the need inflates beyond my capability to meet it.

But I realise everyone is different. Some feel blessed by this.. :strugglin.

- L.

[Rachelakld]

I also love my man time :)

309986

But normally it is an escape from all this man stress

[Robertacd]

Right off the top of my head I don't know your situation ellbee, but I remember when I was out to my wife as "just a CD". I used to blend guy time with my girl time. Even when I was a crazy mountain biker I was at least wearing panties if not a sports bra too the whole time.

Since I have come out as TG I do any "man thing" I did before, maybe not looking as good as Rachel, but I feel good doing it. Last summer I sank a couple new fence posts wearing women's shorts, tank top. tennis shoes, a bra and panties.

[kayegirl]

Well, I may not be in blue velvet Rachel style, but I do work on my old car wearing a denim skirt and female to shirts. I also have a denim dress that I wear when wood turning. The thing to avoid wearing sheer tights/hosiery, and stilettos.

[Maid_Marion]

It was cold and snowing yesterday so I finally got around to hemming to pairs of PJ pants one with a sewing machine and another with my four needle coverstitch machine.
I have a couple more pairs of pants that need to be hemmed after I shovel the snow.
I also have a pretty complete collection of cooking appliances, woodworking tools, and metal working machines that I know how to use. :)

Most of my time is spent in the yard. I finally fixed my crabgrass issues this year. If any of it shows up this summer I can dig it up and replace i with dense sod!

Marion

[Linda E. Woodworth]

You have to create a balance between the two.

Yes, you can blend some together. For me it would be Linda in the garage working on a hobby but with the doors closed.

Then again I AM NOT wearing pink camo on my next outdoor expedition with the guys!

[susan54]

The only real invasion of my man time I have is shopping for clothes. I get up in the morning and I put on a full outfit of clothes and jewellery - no wig or make up. You have to wear something and it might as well be a dress and tights as trousers and socks. It means if I want to stay in these clothes I can't work in the garden but as I don't like gardening this is not an issue. I don't to cars or sport or much stuff that is traditionally aligned with the male, and spend a lot of time reading, watching television, working at the computer, or talking to my friends on the phone and I wear whatever I want for that. I have a rule that cross-dressing is not allowed to interfere with "real life" so if there is an opportunity to be with my friends or do something public in the evening, I go for that. Most of my friends are women and one of them is happy to socialise with me in public even if I am in a dress. I work in an office environment where the women do the same stuff as the men so there is very little of my life that would be called "man stuff" anyway. I do people stuff.

[GretchenM]

Wise words Susan. We are certainly different, but usally it is not necessary to create and either/or type of thinking about it. Although this rather different behavior we have is founded in genetics, it is not deterministic. It is likely the lion's share of this behavior is derived from environment and how we deal with that environment. The amount of gender reversal each person has is a blend of genetics, environmental influence, and simple choices. For those who need to transition the force of the genetic demands are so intense they can't do anything else. For the rest of us the behavior can be managed if they choose to, but it cannot be eliminated by management (no cure); making different choices without eliminating either gender forms that, in the context of the personal behavior continuum, are creatively blended together using management.

Is that necessary? No, it is not, but it can make "real life" a lot more comfortable. In short, making compromises in the need for expression such that it complements the social expectations of being male. Not everyone can do that or wish to do that and that is fine. No matter what path one chooses there are unfavorable consequences that can sometimes be very damaging. I have been a depressive all my life and was suicidal several times, but I learned to manage it and keep it in the range of normal depression. Everybody gets depressed, but what that does to them is a management issue most of the time. For us, with good management we can enjoy both sides; the cisgender people can't do that without causing a lot of conflict, internal and external. In the end, we all do what we think is best, but if it is honestly not working to produce real happiness then management changes can often help balance things out better.

[April Rose]

Lookng at the general drift of this thread, the real time sucking source of conflict seems to be, once again:

drum roll, please.........

Staying closeted.

[kimdl93]

Its not an either or situation. Once dressed, one is fully capable of all those presumably masculine, productive activities.
The comparison is apples and onions. So, a woman spends getting made up and presentable. You could argue that she might have been changing the oil on her car or remodeling the bath...but is that personal time somehow less productive than presumably male time spent watching sports, reading porn or drinking beer?

[Cheryl T]

To paraphrase that song..."Anything He can do I can do better".
I used to sacrifice his time to have my time, but no more. Once coming out to the wife I just do what needs to be done. The only sacrifice I make now is to wear men's clothes if I'm doing something that is a dirty job. I refuse to ruin my nice things for dirty work.
Before I would steal the time, but it was more from doing things with my wife that she wanted to do so that I could have a few moments dressed. Now it's no longer necessary and we do even more together than we used to.

[Jean 103]

April, I don't think so.

How I lived before I knew (was just a guy) and how I am now is night and day.

As a guy, life was way more simple. I get my hands dirty, just wash them.

Now I don't want to get dirty and I have to be careful not to mess up my nails or get scratched so it messes up my tan. Not to mention hair.

Iife is different but I wouldn't say it is easier being out. Yes I wear what I like I guess and I don't have to hide.

But I live in the real world and my friends are just normal people . So I can't run to the store without makeup as I never know who I might run into.

There is no denying that as Jean I'm high maintenance.

So yes being TG is different, good ,bad or whatever. Being out only changes the view.

[sarah_hillcrest]

ellbee,

To me this feeling you have as much less to do with cross dressing then you think. I know exactly how you feel and worry about it alot, way before I started cross dressing. I have a relative who in his 70s accomplishes more than I did in my 30s.

Here's some questions. Lets say you suddenly loose interest in CD, where would all the time, energy and money that you've put into dressing go? Would you go out and buy half finished mansion to finish? Would you buy an old car to restore? Would you get into model trains?

I've often wondered how my life would be different if I'd never been gifted/cursed with the many peculiarities I have. Would I have roofed my house myself instead of paying to get it done? Maybe I'd fallen off the roof and be paralyzed now. This line of what if thoughts is tempting because it places the blame for my shortcomings off me, but ultimately it's useless.

When I'm honest with myself I know it's not my fetishes and cross dressing that have limited me, but instead it's just the fact that some of the things I want to achieve are hard work and I don't like hard work.

There are many manly qualities that are positive, but there are plenty of manly men, who spend all their free time womanizing, gambling, and laying on the couch watching football while someone takes care of them.

Ask yourself, is my cross dressing keeping me from anything that has to be done? Is it negatively impacting your happiness? Some people are genuinely happy when they are knee deep in rotten floor jousts, but that's not me LOL.

[alwayshave]

Ellbee, I work 60ish hours a week. CDing is my one true hobby. I don't see it as taking away from my man time, I see it as a break from man time.

[Star01]

My dadt circumstances limit my dressing so I'm doing a lot of wishing as I do my guy chores. Last year at this time I was in the middle of remodeling the lower level of our 42 year old split entry home. If it's not something like that it's replacing a water pump on my old beater I use for hauling or sealing the driveway.

All of that work makes me smell and breaks nails. I really need to get into a townhome closer to the city which will happen one of these years as I'm getting too old to maintain an old home and big yard. The move would serve two purposes as I'd be in a .ore accecting location.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I are in a deep DADT situation. Before I retired my Stephanie time was limited to taking off a "sick day" from work which I called a "mental health day." Did I do anything other than be en femme for seven hours. Not much. Didn't get any "guy" things done either. Fast forward to retirement with my wife still working seven plus hours a day. Did I accomplish anything characterized as "guy stuff?" Nope. I got dolled up a la June Cleaver in dress, hosiery and heels, bra, panty, sleep and my shoulder length grey wig. I accomplished a lot; vacuuming, laundry and ironing, meal preparation, baking, dish washing, etc. Now that my wife is fully retired I do not do as much of anything. I still do the list of activities, but, not with as much frequency. So, being en femme was a lot more productive than just being a guy.

[Teresa]

Ellbee,
I've done my share of reconstruction work , two homes for my family when they were young , then two homes for my son and daughter when they married . A new home for my wife before we separated and finally my new home . Being full time hasn't brought an end to all that , I just get my supplies as Teresa and carry on as usual .

I'm not the only one to live alone now and I'm sure others will agree but if I don't do the jobs they won't get done because no one else is going to offer . So the clothes and makeup can't be a restriction , I admit it's a pain at times , I have women's work trousers and work boots so I have to get on with it .

[Dutchess]

This is why my ex husband is my ex husband . It got to the point where I didnt even have a ride . Things were breaking down /falling apart and I did as much of the automotive/home upkeep work that I could ,alone , while he was in there preening KNOWING I was outside doing this . He was also too cheap to allow me to have anyone do the work for us also . We stopped going anywhere or doing anything and I just could not live like that .
He would also not talk to his family in the Netherlands for months at a time out of guilt and shame and they thought it was me keeping him from communicating and he was ok with that and I was very depressed with these people hating me for no reason .

I was the only person that saw who he was when we met and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me( I thought he was gay ) , he said no , absolutely not . It wasn't until after we were married about 3 years that this just exploded in my face . He had his own website where guys would ogle and comment . It was all pretty twisted .

So be careful not to let this just take over every thing you ever enjoyed in life , only you know what that is . Its not really divided into male /female activities .
I do too much stuff that would be considered male activities to judge like that - volunteering with my beloved Seahawks and being an excersize rider at the track 40 yrs , playing poker , front row at metal concerts , adding onto my ink .

Life is so short , make it a good trip .

[Aunt Kelly]

My situation is different (of course), so I view "man time" as the imposition. Not that that is any excuse for not being "productive". I have plenty of other excuses for that. :)

[josie_S]

Elbee, thank you for your honesty and courage. I have been thinking about this very thing recently since last week I took a 'mental health day' off from work and went and got myself a makeover. On the drive there, I was thinking about how my coworkers would feel if when I came back to work, I showed them pictures from my makeover like my boss shows us pictures of his fishing trips or my coworker (a woman) who shows us pictures of her garden. Someone here said this boils down to being in the closet and I agree...there isn't much of a difference. It just so happens that my hobby is what it is. And because I feel like I have to hide it, it takes up time from other (seemingly) productive things. Given all that, yes, I feel 'defective' too sometimes :|

[Pumped]

I am out to my wife. I dress in times we often would be relaxing together, quiet times around the house, that type of deal. I still get out in the shop and get my fingers greasy, I still do repairs around the house. Times I would have been relaxing in a pair of grubby jeans and a t-shirt I might be wearing a dress and heels instead.

[Krisi]

We all have the choice of how to spend our free time. There are some things you can do while dressed but others that you cannot do. We have to make the choice and accept the results of the choice.

[Joni T]

Cd'ing does not take away ANY man-time, but man-time, and usually just life in general, do take away Joni time.
Jon

[Eemz]

ellbee,
To me this feeling you have as much less to do with cross dressing then you think. I know exactly how you feel and worry about it a lot, way before I started cross dressing. I have a relative who in his 70s accomplishes more than I did in my 30s.
...
There are many manly qualities that are positive, but there are plenty of manly men, who spend all their free time womanizing, gambling, and laying on the couch watching football while someone takes care of them.


I'm with Sarah on this. I think it's just general ennui (mods - it's a valid English word) ellbee "what have I achieved compared to this person". Most of us have achieved nothing compared to Sally Ride either (first US woman in space). And it's not because we wasted our time dressing. I have a male friend who spends most of his time on the couch watching sports while his wife is at work. I like to think I'm more productive than that guy at least :)

- - - Updated - - -

josie_s ... I have different thoughts on the makeover... if you were a GG everyone would think that was a perfectly valid way to de-stress and probably say good for you, looking after yourself. The fact that you have different stuff in your pants doesn't change that. It was a nice thing to do for yourself. However, you suspect that people won't get that, so you don't tell them. Fair enough.

[JenniferMBlack]

If I had the money to fix up a half finished mansion the dressing wouldn't be stopping me. If you are spending that kind of money for crossdressing then you might have an issue and I don't mean the crossdressing. I will add it is your money and if you wish to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on something that's your choice whatever it is. If you are going out and wish to always look nice then it will be more money spent as well.

[Julie Martin]

Ellbee, I struggle with the same thoughts. My dressing is limited to once or twice a year, my choice (full-on all-day outings), but I "manage" this part of me with occasional visits here, and reading occasionally on blogs like Heidi Phox and other major leaque CD-ers..but there is definitely guilt involved because of the nature of this activity. When I go out on a 4-hr bike ride (on a Saturday), I feel no such guilt. I do have my SO's blessing to indulge the CD-ing when I feel the need, but I rein it in by choice. I guess we each need to find the balance that works for us.

Dutchessit's great (for me anyway) to hear your reality check from a partner's perspective. You didn't sign up for this, and I can only imagine how tough it is to deal with discovering this about your husband/partner. From talking with others about this, even when there is acceptance, balance is a big issue..many CD's have lost their relationships when their wife gave an inch and they took a mile.

Well..back to man-ville :-)

[DeniseNJ]

This thread really hits home. I get bored and loney and some times Dressing up fem just makes me feel better. Yes I rode motorcycles all my life. I drag raced them and cars and trucks. Not living home anymore has liberated me dress more. Will it calm down, I really don't know for sure. I need to find a woman that I can take care of and pamper, until then, I must concentrate on going on with my life without a negative person around

[audreyinalbany]

Here's my problem...yes it DOES take time away from doing normal man stuff. But the thing I regret most is that, since my wife is a non participant, I look forward to the times when she is away, and I hate, hate, hate to find myself wishing she would just go someplace for a day or so so that I could have some girl time.

[dallasmann]

*He* is using his time/money/energy/focus to do something positive with his life, to better his & his family's.

But me? I'm busy getting all dolled-up, instead.

What say ye?
For me, they're the same. I need this balance in my life so that I can be great at my job and be a generally happy person. I would argue that's why most anyone has hobbies.

My spouse was fine. Our marriage ended for reasons that had nothing to do with my CDing or gender fluidity, even if she is with a man's man now.

[Asew]

I didn't really have man time before :) I definitely I agree that it is more so when it is closeted. Every free moment along becomes a possible CD time instead of doing something else. Now that I dress as I wish a good portion of the time, even when I get alone time I see no need to have special CD time since I am usually already wearing something I like (might add a pair of heels if I haven't worn a pair in a while).

[Teresa]

Audrey,
That isn't a nice situation , if you live with DADT it tends to get worse , I couldn't wait for my wife to step out the front door and she began to hate walking back in .

[Mackem Sue]

I've the house to myself for reasons I'll not go into but when such evenings occur, it depends how much the desire to dress is. Tonight for example, it was striaght into girl mode as soom as got through the door.

I've just done as I normally do in that I've done my normal jobs around the house. I've set the breakfast trays, done the dinner, packed a hold all for my day tomorrow, gone through paperwork and unblocked a sink.


The only difference between normal and now is I'm fully dressed in women's clothes.

Sue

[Stephanie47]

... the thing I regret most is that, since my wife is a non participant, I look forward to the times when she is away, and I hate, hate, hate to find myself wishing she would just go someplace for a day or so so that I could have some girl time.

I know your feelings. The last time I had an evening to myself was when my wife volunteered to babysit our grandchild at my daughter's apartment. That seemed like a gift horse. Today? My wife is staying overnight at a hospital recovering from knee surgery. I don't exactly feel like a gad, but, it is the only Stephanie time I will have for the foreseeable future. Oh, and I got plenty man things done after coming home from the evening visit.

[ReineD]

and I hate, hate, hate to find myself wishing she would just go someplace for a day or so so that I could have some girl time.


I know exactly what you're feeling.

I won't get into all the details here, but about 15-20 years ago my ex-husband and I developed stress in our relationship and we didn't deal with it well at all. We didn't talk it out and find a compromise. Or rather, we did try to talk it out with several marital counselors but neither one of us would budge from our positions and were willing to compromise. It got to the point where I felt so much more comfortable with myself when he wasn't around and I began to look forward to him being away. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage. By the end of it, I spent the evenings at home in one room while he was in the other.

Case in point, Teresa and wife are also separated now:

I couldn't wait for my wife to step out the front door and she began to hate walking back in .

My ex and I have both moved on with our lives, but we and our adult children continue to live with the damage caused by a broken family. It's just not the same at weddings, christenings, or other big events that we both need to attend, and the kids feel constantly pulled between including their father or mother for major holidays, or who should get the hotel room and who should get the guest room when we're both in the town where they live. When grandchildren come, I suspect it will be worse.

If anyone ever tells you that it's better to separate and they're so much happier now, they're rationalizing or they're compartmentalizing. Or if they place all the blame on their wives, they're not taking responsibility for their own part in it. It's much better to find a way to not look forward to your wife's absence. Maybe you should be honest with her about how you feel and tell her that you don't want to look forward to her being gone, because you're genuinely worried about living with a big wedge in your relationship. I think that in your heart you know what I'm saying and I hope that you and your wife can resolve this.

[Teresa]

Reine,
We can never know for certain perhaps my TG issue was the straw that broke the camel's back. I do sincerly feel we are both happier , my wife was disapointed that we wouldn't enter old age together but can a relationship be based on that without anything to cement it together ? I can't blame anyone , I feel my wife is beating herself up enough, she knows what she's lost , even now her friends can't understand our separation .

The point to remember is even if it can be resolved or not the World doesn't end , life goes on and on the whole time is a healer , my wife now rings me as a friend without exerting any pressure .

[ReineD]

Yes, life does go on for everyone. There's no other choice, is there. :)

But I don't want to glide over the fact that it is rather devastating for all family members (on different levels) when the family breaks up and the consequences are felt for a long, long time. Maybe not for the person who wanted the divorce but certainly for the others.

[kimdl93]

Having blown up two long marriages, I can say one thing...no one is ever quite the same again. My latest ex may be happier...maybe not...but I know she has amassed a large and unpaid credit card debt. Take that for what it is. My first ex lives comfortably but in what I am sure for her is a difficult struggle with manic and depressive episodes. I carry a burden of regret that never relents completely. Maybe others can shrug it off and move on, but that seems not to be within me.

[Teresa]

Reine ,
I agree we never know how deep it does affect some people , my son and daughter appear to be OK about it but we've never had the conversation .They may be supportive of us but we don't put them under any pressure to do so , we appreciate their lives must go on and we are still there for them . Our separation was as an amicable one , as much as it could be , the dust is settling but I admit it's naive to think no harm had been done but then it's a better solution for everyone than trying to soldier on in a difficult marriage .

Kim,
Personally I don't feel I shrugged it off , I'm content I did my best for everyone , they all still respect me for that , I'm wondering if they actually respect me now for being honest about my TG issues , my wife said only the other night in a phone call that she can't beleive how brave I am , to her it must look like that but I'm over all that , I'm just living my life now .

[ReineD]

I can say one thing...no one is ever quite the same again.

I carry a burden of regret that never relents completely.

Me too, even though I love my SO and we are happy together. My SO feels the same way about his ex. Humans are complex; we are capable of experiencing many emotions at the same time, even if we think these emotions should conflict. They do not.

I again want to say to Aubrey that I understand feeling bad about wanting your wife out of the house. Trust your gut. I sincerely hope you'll be able to change this. :hugs:

[Star01]

the thing I regret most is that, since my wife is a non participant, I look forward to the times when she is away

I was thinking about this and how dadt makes our wives seem like some kind of gatekeeper and how we come to detest that dynamic and wish they would go away more often. That is not a good situation to be in so in that respect crossdressing or wherever we are individually in that spectrum robs something from us. Sometimes I feel like a teenager hiding magazines under my mattress afraid that our mother is going to find them. It's a tough spot to be in but in defense of our SO's unless we realized this about ourselves and made it known it's a difficult situation. Someone could have asked me at 30 and even though I had dressed and thought about being a woman for years I dismissed it as how all guys thought sometimes and pushed it into the background. Now I can see that I'm one of those seniors who retired and has a lot of time and doesn't have to work and it's hitting me hard as a result.

[sometimes_miss]

We have to do whatever we have to do, to get through the day. Life can be really miserable sometimes, and transforming myself into someone more feminine is an escape from all that negative nonsense.
Wear what you want, when you want, because you want to do it, because it makes you feel better. No excuse needed.