Planning to come out to wife.

[Kitty Sue]

Until I met my wife I had been somewhat open with friends about being bi and a crossdresser. My last serious relationship prior to my wife my girlfriend knew all about it and also that I was bi. She had no problem with any of it and would dress me up etc. She loved it.

However, the woman I eventually married, mainly due to me getting her pregnant, I have not told her much of anything. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for 6. She is a wonderful woman, loving, caring and strong. Before we got married I told he of one crossdressing episode when I went to Fairplay in New York for a makeover (would love to go back someday.) She was fine with that. I also told her of a time when dressed when I had sex with a man. She was fine with that.

Initially I did not think our marriage would last so did not come clean with her about her into how much I enjoy dressing. Of course when I married I again purged:cute::cry: Thankfully, our marriage has worked and I would say significantly stronger now than in the beginning.

She is away on vacation at the moment. I did not want to go as I needed time to think about things. Such as this. I want to tell her, but am afraid. I believe she has a right to know about the CDing. I believe in marriage we remain monogamous.
You would think that I would have told her this before we married. I knew better than to withhold it. She says is open minded and progressive and would not be upset if your children were gay. So I wonder what she will think about husband who likes dressing. She is 34 years old and a nurse.

I was thinking of writing it all down or making a recording and giving it to her.

Something along the lines of.

I love you. I am glad I am married to you.

However, I have a couple of things I believe you have a right to know. You may find them shocking. I am a crossdresser. I just feel as you are my wife you have a right to know.

I am sorry if this upsets you in anywyay. But know that I love you and am glad our marriage has worked.



Okay girls and guys what do you all think? Any input or suggestions would be welcome.

[char GG]

I believe that the way you explained it to us in your post is the way you should explain it to her in person. My opinion is definitely NOT in writing or a recording.

[Crissy 107]

Telling ones wife about cross dressing is in itself a difficult thing to do but then you add being Bi and it becomes even harder. I would talk to her about it and not through a letter. You need to see her reaction and respond to any and all questions. I feel this is one of the toughest things to do, or at least it was for me. I think she deserves a sit down talk and just deal with it.
I do however know this can be challenging but you will make out ok if she is willing to listen.
Good luck and let us know how you do.

[Kitty Sue]

I believe that the way you explained it to us in your post is the way you should explain it to her in person. My opinion is definitely NOT in writing or a recording.

Thanks for your input. Maybe if I write it down and read it to her. Yeah I think are correct about me being there. I will leave the recording out.

- - - Updated - - -


Telling ones wife about cross dressing is in itself a difficult thing to do but then you add being Bi and it becomes even harder. I would talk to her about it and not through a letter. You need to see her reaction and respond to any and all questions. I feel this is one of the toughest things to do, or at least it was for me. I think she deserves a sit down talk and just deal with it.
I do however know this can be challenging but you will make out ok if she is willing to listen.
Good luck and let us know how you do.

Yes I believe you are right. I am not sure how she will take it. Part of things negatively. Another part thinks positively and she will not to see me dressed and she will do my makeup. I am a glass half full kind of person most of the time. So if I had to bet I would say negatively. However, as pointed out in my OP she laughed when I told her about having sex while dressed with a guy. She said "I thought you were going to tell me you had a slept with a man before." So I dont think it will be a huge surprise. She will not be back for another 2 weeks. I will absolutely tell you all how it turns out.

[Robertacd]

Have to agree with char on this one.

In person, be honest, and tell her everything.

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that you have told her a lot already. Mentioning that premarital cross dressing experience and the m/m encounter really has to have left an impression. That is not something anyone would forget. So, I think its fair to say that she has been told about your inclinations. Now, it is fair for her to know that these have not disappeared, but that you have honored your commitment to her and will continue to do so. At the same time, its reasonable to let her know that you are still the person you were more than seven years ago, and that cross dressing remains an important part of who you are.

I hope the conversations go well for you both.

[Aunt Kelly]

I'll say it again... This would have been easier had it been discussed earlier. It will be perceived as the deception it was, and it will be that which must be overcome for things to move forward.

[vplshowoff]

Some people are tolerant in word only. When things happen to them, they have a not in my backyard response - NIMBY.

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't like it. As far as being bi, if you're not going to act on it I don't see what difference it makes. As far as crossdressing, I favor showing rather than telling... a little at a time. If you want to wear nail polish, suggest that the two of you go get mani-pedis as a couple. Even if she declines, this will open up the conversation. Tell her you'd like to wear nail polish. Let the other aspects of it follow the same pattern. When you hit some resistance, see if it's negotiable. If it's not, you have some decisions to make. You'll figure out pretty quickly how open she is to it. Telling her you're a crossdresser doesn't define anything. Wearing nail polish, shaving your legs, getting your ears pierced, etc. are all definable things. I think this stuff is easier to digest in small doses.

Not sure I'm one you should be taking advice from, though. I'm 10 years divorced because of it. It was a good run while it lasted!

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with Rhonda Jean. I think U have a bigger issue with being bi than u think. The way u over explained it tipped me off! :straightface:

She knows you're bi, u already told her. I think u may have fantasies of dressing and being with men? Otherwise, why do u keep connecting your dressing with being bi? I think u object too much with your promising not to have sex with men. I think u should talk with a therapist before u have the "talk" with your wife!:thumbsup:

[Tracy Irving]

When you do your redraft take out the word "However" (second paragraph, first word).

[Kitty Sue]

Have to agree with char on this one.

In person, be honest, and tell her everything.

I shall do my best. Which is part of why I was thinking of writing it down.


It seems to me that you have told her a lot already. Mentioning that premarital cross dressing experience and the m/m encounter really has to have left an impression. That is not something anyone would forget. So, I think its fair to say that she has been told about your inclinations. Now, it is fair for her to know that these have not disappeared, but that you have honored your commitment to her and will continue to do so. At the same time, its reasonable to let her know that you are still the person you were more than seven years ago, and that cross dressing remains an important part of who you are.

I hope the conversations go well for you both.
Indeed. Crossdressing is certainly an important part of who I am.


I'll say it again... This would have been easier had it been discussed earlier. It will be perceived as the deception it was, and it will be that which must be overcome for things to move forward.
You are absolutely correct.


Some people are tolerant in word only. When things happen to them, they have a not in my backyard response - NIMBY.

True. That's what I worried about. There are a lot NIMBY types out there. I hope she will not be one of them. Two serious relationships I was in before my wife and both women were very accepting. Would be kind of luck to find the woman I married was not. lol


I don't like it. As far as being bi, if you're not going to act on it I don't see what difference it makes. As far as crossdressing, I favor showing rather than telling... a little at a time. If you want to wear nail polish, suggest that the two of you go get mani-pedis as a couple. Even if she declines, this will open up the conversation. Tell her you'd like to wear nail polish. Let the other aspects of it follow the same pattern. When you hit some resistance, see if it's negotiable. If it's not, you have some decisions to make. You'll figure out pretty quickly how open she is to it. Telling her you're a crossdresser doesn't define anything. Wearing nail polish, shaving your legs, getting your ears pierced, etc. are all definable things. I think this stuff is easier to digest in small doses.

Not sure I'm one you should be taking advice from, though. I'm 10 years divorced because of it. It was a good run while it lasted!

Great point about being Bi. I am not going to act on it as that would be cheating. I do not want to cheat on my wife with a woman or a man. Perhaps I will leave that out. As for telling her a little at a time. I disagree with you there. I think I would prefer just to tell her all at once. She would ask why we I wanted to go with her to get nails done anyway.


I agree with Rhonda Jean. I think U have a bigger issue with being bi than u think. The way u over explained it tipped me off! :straightface:

She knows you're bi, u already told her. I think u may have fantasies of dressing and being with men? Otherwise, why do u keep connecting your dressing with being bi? I think u object too much with your promising not to have sex with men. I think u should talk with a therapist before u have the "talk" with your wife!:thumbsup:

Good idea. I do have a therapist. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

As Rhonda Jean said above, if I am not going to act on being bi, why do I need to tell her. I am not going to act on it. So maybe I don't need to tell her that. A couple of years go she called me "straight" and that has really bugged me. I thought how on earth can you call me straight after knowing I had sex with a man. Perhaps I will just leave that out and if she calls me straight again, I will say "do you really think I am straight after having sex with a man before we married. I am more likely bi wouldn't you say?" I don't think that would her that much if I put that way after she called me straight. I think I will leave being bi out of this conversation. She probably realizes it on some level anyway.



When you do your redraft take out the word "However" (second paragraph, first word).

Excellent point! I will indeed leave that out.

Thanks girls for all the input. It is really appreciated.

[Stephanie47]

It was pointed out in an article I read that one male on male sexual experience does not make a man gay/homosexual. Throw in the fact you told your wife you were en femme and it may seem more remote than declaring bisexuality. One of the issues that can arise by announcing your bisexuality is she may perceive her intimate relationship with you in a different light. When my wife and I had "The Talk" a long time ago she told me not to buy her any more lingerie because she imagined that I was imaging wearing her lingerie when we were intimate. It put a real damper on things for some time. I think a partner is more apt to think her or his partner is daydreaming about a person of the opposite sex who is unattainable than a person of the same sex who may be attainable.

If I had to take the fallout from revealing anything it would be the cross dressing.

[Kitty Sue]

It was pointed out in an article I read that one male on male sexual experience does not make a man gay/homosexual. Throw in the fact you told your wife you were en femme and it may seem more remote than declaring bisexuality. One of the issues that can arise by announcing your bisexuality is she may perceive her intimate relationship with you in a different light. When my wife and I had "The Talk" a long time ago she told me not to buy her any more lingerie because she imagined that I was imaging wearing her lingerie when we were intimate. It put a real damper on things for some time. I think a partner is more apt to think her or his partner is daydreaming about a person of the opposite sex who is unattainable than a person of the same sex who may be attainable.

If I had to take the fallout from revealing anything it would be the cross dressing.

Thanks for you input. The more I think about it, and after reading the comments here, the more inclined I am to leave the bisexuality out. I have had several sexual encounters with men, all before getting married. I am pretty confident that I am bi. I don't enjoy being with men as much when not dressed. I certainly have no plans to cheat on my wife with either sex.
Good point about the lingerie when being intimate. I wonder what my wife will say.

[Rhonda Jean]

Almost nobody ever agrees with my on the showing instead of telling. I'm probably wrong.

[Kitty Sue]

Almost nobody ever agrees with my on the showing instead of telling. I'm probably wrong.

:roflmao:

[NancyJ]

I think you are getting some good input here and I will not repeat what others have already said. The point I will make is about saying that you are sorry IF what you tell her is upsetting. That comes across as quite patronizing. OF COURSE, what you have to tell her will be upsetting. A more empathetic approach would be: I have something to tell you that I understand will be upsetting...

[Kitty Sue]

I think you are getting some good input here and I will not repeat what others have already said. The point I will make is about saying that you are sorry IF what you tell her is upsetting. That comes across as quite patronizing. OF COURSE, what you have to tell her will be upsetting. A more empathetic approach would be: I have something to tell you that I understand will be upsetting...

Good point.I will leave "sorry" out. Your line is much better. When I have what I am going to say all completed I will again bring it here.
After she vacation she has to work for 4 days. She is a nurse. An amazing nurse. However, I will wait until she is off work and has had a good night's sleep before I carpet bomb her with this information.
aunty who is a doctor asked her why she never chose to go become a medical school. My wife says she did not want spend that long i school.

[Anna Gracie]

Lots recommend to talk face to face. I plan on writing a letter. What must that letter say?
Of course all people are different and it may not suite everybody but what are The most important things needed to describe to her?

[Kitty Sue]

Lots recommend to talk face to face. I plan on writing a letter. What must that letter say?
Of course all people are different and it may not suite everybody but what are The most important things needed to describe to her?

Good points. The reason I was going to write a letter is so I would not forget anything. I would write a letter and read it to her face to face. What I may do instead is write down a series of bullet points so that I don't forget anything when I talk to her.
Thankfully she is only 34 so I am hoping being younger she will be more open. When my niece told us she was gay my wife had no problem at all with that.

I will tell I realize what i am about to say will be upsetting.
I will tell her I love her and want to be with her and only her.
I will apologize for not telling her before we married.
I will tell her I crossdress and it is an important part of who i am and what makes me me, and have crossdressed since age probably 5. Although it really took off when I was 14.
I will tell her I am not transsexual. I am happy and like being a man.
I will tell her I am not gay.
I will tell her I will not dress in front of children.
I will let her know I am okay with her speaking with whomever she likes regarding my CDing.
I will let her know I am fine with her asking me whatever she wants, whenever she wants
I will let her know that my CDing is always up for discussion whenever she feels the need to talk about it.
I will let her know there are several support groups in Ohio that we could attend together or separately.
I will let her know of this website and others.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Some things I've jotted down in case I ever decide to come out, some found elsewhere out in the world and copied:

This Is Not A Choice: Why would anyone choose this life?

Does this mean lying about other things? Not enough time to have other things to lie about.*

No one should be made to feel unlovable because of how they were born.

He dressed before you knew and you are the one he desires.* (He dressed when you knew and you continue to be the one he desires). Dressing makes him who he is and you make him feel loved so does dressing really change that love and commitment you have with each other??

Treating part of yourself like something separate means you can never be a whole person

[NancyJ]

KittySue, I like your post #20! Good luck!

[alwayshave]

Kitty Sue, As to your original post, haven't you already admitted your a CD and have had past relationships with men. It appears that your concerned with telling her about your on going need to CD.

[Rhonda Jean]

Are you sure you're OK with her telling whoever she likes? If she tells someone, you're out. You may not realize you're out, but there will be a lot of people who know. Maybe everybody.

[Nicole79]

You are very brave. Good luck.

[Kitty Sue]

KittySue, I like your post #20! Good luck!

Thanks. :)


Kitty Sue, As to your original post, haven't you already admitted your a CD and have had past relationships with men. It appears that your concerned with telling her about your on going need to CD.

I think you are right. I am more concerned about my ongoing need to CD.


Are you sure you're OK with her telling whoever she likes? If she tells someone, you're out. You may not realize you're out, but there will be a lot of people who know. Maybe everybody.

I am. I don't believe in telling my partner who they can or cannot speak with. I hope and trust they have enough sense to choose wisely the people they will speak with.



You are very brave. Good luck.

I wish I were brave. One of the things I discovered half way through last year was that my wife had not been honest with me with how much debt show owed before we were married. She said 30k in student loans. I discovered on our credit report from bank when we bought a new home it was 50. I also found 2,500 dollars and an unknown credit card.

I was not angry at her. I was sad. That she was lying just like I have been. I don't want a marriage like that. Obviously we both have trust issues with one another. So I believe I need to tell her. I also believe the truth always wins in the end.

[sometimes_miss]

All I can say, is the best of luck. My ex was also a 34 y/o nurse, very tolerant and accepting of other people being gay, TS, whatever gender they wanted to be. She was also very much a tomboy, so I thought that she would understand that gender isn't necessarily a completely rigid concept. I had done everything I could to be the perfect husband in every other way, and in every thought of coming out to her, I was absolutely sure that all the good things about me would surely be enough for her to forgive this one thing. Nope. She was okay with crossdressers, but that didn't include me. It was just another NIMBY situation, to the extreme. We divorced a few years later, with her blackmailing me for everything we had, or she would expose me to work, family, friends, and she had tricked me into letting her take pictures of me dressed up (a neat little subterfuge where she had appeared to change her mind, and even bought me some girl clothes to wear), which she also planned to distribute if I didn't agree to her demands.
AFAIK, she held up her end of the bargain, but then I never saw any of her family/friends again, so I can never be sure.
I, too, wrote my wife a loving letter, but to no avail. She wanted none of it. The fury at finding out that I 'wasn't the man she thought she married', was intense. Since you have the benefit of having told her of some of your previous dressing up and bisexual experiences weighs in your favor. However, there's always the possibility that she may have believed that those experiences were just youthful indiscretions, simple experimentation that didn't reflect and wasn't representitive of the adult you grew into, and who she married.

I understand your desire to tell her about yourself. However, consider the worst possible outcome, and if you are okay with that, then proceed. Because myself and thousands of others have experienced that worst possibility, and for me, at least, it felt like my life was over. Seeing that you now have a child, you may wish to move a bit more slowly to see how she takes it. Perhaps wait until Halloween and see if she's okay with you dressing up again, and watch her carefully to see if there's any concern on her face when you do it, and then maybe ask if she's okay with the two of you going out together as a girl's night out. As long as it's only the two of you, it may go over better that way.
Regarding her debt, remember that women reserve the right for deception, for themselves. They insist on complete honesty from their mates, though.

My own theory of why it is so upsetting to our SO's is that I believe that we don't fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the person that we believe them to be, based on everything that we think we know about them. The sudden change from being sexually attracted to a masculine male, to a feminine UNmasculine one, can potentially destroy the sexual attraction for her, and once that's gone, away too can go the romantic love. And once that's gone, a woman will want to replace that to feel loved and sexually desired BY A 'REAL MAN', and if that happens it just might be someone else instead of you. Then the marriage is all but over, and potentially the thoughts of realization that her whole life up to that point was all just one big lie.
I'm not saying all this will definitely happen, but it can.
Tread carefully. You can't un-ring a bell.

[Eemz]

Being bi and being monogamous are completely separate things. If you’re in a monogamous relationship you will still find other people attractive from time to time, but you won’t do anything about it. That’s what monogamous means, right? If you’re bi then some of the people you find attractive will be men, but that’s neither here nor there.

I’m bi and my definition of cheating is if the other person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and they’re not. The sex or gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

By all means tell her you’re bi in the interests of full disclosure. But it’s just background so she knows more about who you are, right? If she asks why didn’t tell her before I would be honest that you felt the marriage was fragile enough at the time and this was kind of irrelevant because you are in a monogamous relationship so what does it matter who you are attracted to.

As long as all that monogamy talk is true of course. Which I’m not sure about from the OP to be honest.

[Kitty Sue]

All I can say, is the best of luck. My ex was also a 34 y/o nurse, very tolerant and accepting of other people being gay, TS, whatever gender they wanted to be. She was also very much a tomboy, so I thought that she would understand that gender isn't necessarily a completely rigid concept. I had done everything I could to be the perfect husband in every other way, and in every thought of coming out to her, I was absolutely sure that all the good things about me would surely be enough for her to forgive this one thing. Nope. She was okay with crossdressers, but that didn't include me. It was just another NIMBY situation, to the extreme. We divorced a few years later, with her blackmailing me for everything we had, or she would expose me to work, family, friends, and she had tricked me into letting her take pictures of me dressed up (a neat little subterfuge where she had appeared to change her mind, and even bought me some girl clothes to wear), which she also planned to distribute if I didn't agree to her demands.
AFAIK, she held up her end of the bargain, but then I never saw any of her family/friends again, so I can never be sure.
I, too, wrote my wife a loving letter, but to no avail. She wanted none of it. The fury at finding out that I 'wasn't the man she thought she married', was intense. Since you have the benefit of having told her of some of your previous dressing up and bisexual experiences weighs in your favor. However, there's always the possibility that she may have believed that those experiences were just youthful indiscretions, simple experimentation that didn't reflect and wasn't representitive of the adult you grew into, and who she married.

I understand your desire to tell her about yourself. However, consider the worst possible outcome, and if you are okay with that, then proceed. Because myself and thousands of others have experienced that worst possibility, and for me, at least, it felt like my life was over. Seeing that you now have a child, you may wish to move a bit more slowly to see how she takes it. Perhaps wait until Halloween and see if she's okay with you dressing up again, and watch her carefully to see if there's any concern on her face when you do it, and then maybe ask if she's okay with the two of you going out together as a girl's night out. As long as it's only the two of you, it may go over better that way.
Regarding her debt, remember that women reserve the right for deception, for themselves. They insist on complete honesty from their mates, though.

My own theory of why it is so upsetting to our SO's is that I believe that we don't fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the person that we believe them to be, based on everything that we think we know about them. The sudden change from being sexually attracted to a masculine male, to a feminine UNmasculine one, can potentially destroy the sexual attraction for her, and once that's gone, away too can go the romantic love. And once that's gone, a woman will want to replace that to feel loved and sexually desired BY A 'REAL MAN', and if that happens it just might be someone else instead of you. Then the marriage is all but over, and potentially the thoughts of realization that her whole life up to that point was all just one big lie.
I'm not saying all this will definitely happen, but it can.
Tread carefully. You can't un-ring a bell.

Wow, it sounds like your ex could be my wife now. I could very easily see my wife being a major NIMBY. Thanks so much for your input.
I am doing this, really, for selfish reasons. I am sick of the lying and the deception. I want to at least clear my side of the street. You are right there are all kinds of risks. However, IMO if she leaves then it is an opportunity for me to meet somebody else who will accept me for the way I am. I have 2 women in the past who did, so such women do exist. We just have to find them :)
Not seeing my children every day would be crushing. However, not being honest with my wife will not lead to happiness either IMO and want my children to see that my wife and I are honest with one another and happy.

So I will take this risk. You are correct it is a big one. If my wife was angry she could very well be the one showing photos. Thankfully a lot of my friends already know and my family would not really care and I am now retired from the military.
Thankyou so much for your input you have given me a lot to consider.

[DianaPrince]

Hugs to you, Kitty Sue. Wish you all the best.

[Victoria1]

sometimes_miss, My situation is about the same as yours, my wife is very tolerant and understanding of the LBTGQ spectrum except when it come to me. Very low tolerance for my crossdressing. I'm sure that if I was to really push the envelope it would be the end of our marriage (46 years). And I am sure that she would out me to everyone that would listen.

[Kitty Sue]

Being bi and being monogamous are completely separate things. If you’re in a monogamous relationship you will still find other people attractive from time to time, but you won’t do anything about it. That’s what monogamous means, right? If you’re bi then some of the people you find attractive will be men, but that’s neither here nor there.

I’m bi and my definition of cheating is if the other person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and they’re not. The sex or gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

By all means tell her you’re bi in the interests of full disclosure. But it’s just background so she knows more about who you are, right? If she asks why didn’t tell her before I would be honest that you felt the marriage was fragile enough at the time and this was kind of irrelevant because you are in a monogamous relationship so what does it matter who you are attracted to.

As long as all that monogamy talk is true of course. Which I’m not sure about from the OP to be honest.

Great points. I don't know anymore if I will tell her I am bi or not. Initially I thought yes, not I am not sure. I am not sleeping with other men and not planning on it. So I don't know if I should tell her not. I am serious about monogamy that was the decision when we married. You are absolutely right about the marriage being fragile when we started. The day of the marriage I had not written my wedding speech and did not know what to say as all I wanted do do was run. I even told my brother, the best man that. However, my wife was pregnant so I felt that I had to. I am glad I did. At the time different story.

Hugs to you, Kitty Sue. Wish you all the best.

Thankyou


sometimes_miss, My situation is about the same as yours, my wife is very tolerant and understanding of the LBTGQ spectrum except when it come to me. Very low tolerance for my crossdressing. I'm sure that if I was to really push the envelope it would be the end of our marriage (46 years). And I am sure that she would out me to everyone that would listen.

This could be my situation. I hope not though.