Updates about therapy (yes, it finally happened!)

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone!

I honestly don't know how I forgot to even post anything about this before, but here it goes!

I can guess that anyone who sees anything about my previous threads can easily notice I had issues and needed psychological assistance to do something about the reoccurrent guilt, shame and even self-loathing.

In the end I saved up a decent quantity of money from a work I was doing and with some help I found a good therapist. I went to two sessions. The first one was more about my self-esteem (or lack of it), some measures to take when destructive thoughts come to me and a way to keep track of them. I didn't bring up anything about my crossdressing that time, but I told everything I have felt, even how at some points I considered more drastic courses of action.

The second session went about how to reinforce my self-esteem and after a while I was able to tell the therapist about my crossdressing and all the trouble it has meant to me at home. I was afraid to be honest, but after listening to me, she fortunately didn't see it as any sort of fetish (unlike someone at home) and took into account the details I told. After that, she even mentioned that it isn't a dysfunctional behaviour and that I'm actually in a dysfunctional enviroment for all the trouble I have gotten previously and having to try to supress it.

I haven't had any destructive thoughts anymore, just some occassional ones of purging the last of my stash, since I can't even go to a clothing store yet and I'm sick of having to wash only when no one else is at home, despite the help. But I haven't been to therapy after that second session. I don't know if it would make sense.

[Alice Torn]

Pixie. Just my thoughts here, Take what you want, and leave the rest. You sound like a young person. I am 65 yo, and still have some struggle with guilt, shame, self loathing. It come with the territory, but i have family of origin and body issues before i started dressing, so it is not all about dressing, too. Good for you. There are far worse things than occasional crossdressing. I have had to come to ACCEPT that it is just one part of my person. We are complex. I always wanted a wife, but never had any real chance for marriage or a steady girlfriend. It has been a life of mental and emotional torture. I have a mental and nervous disorder, also, that makes life extremely difficult ro deal with people, and HSP highly sensitive person. I have been to a therapist and she was very supportive, but seemed to push me toward SRS. i do not want to go that far. I need balance. i need my male self much. Each of us is different. Balance is a thing we all need. And accepting we are different than the normal males. It is ok. Each of us is in a different situation, too. I purged 99% of my lady things 2 yrs ago, and i wish i had not purged some of the great dresses, and shoes. Now, i have only a small stash, and do not plan on increasing it. Too expensive for one thing. Need money for surviving! Crossdressing can take over our entire life, with bad consequences, too. I hope your therapist can help you to get it balanced. You do not need to loathe self. It is not the whole of you, just one thing. Easy does it, Good for you!

[Pixie_94]

To go in order, yeah, I'm young according to other people on the forum (25).

Acceptance has been and it's still tricky for me, I don't know if you know anything that could be key to it. But I can say that those situations you mentioned are surely not something anyone can deal with.

[AllieSF]

It is wonderful that you get so much in just two sessions. Congratulations! I think that more sessions would be most beneficial for you when you can afford them. Please try to make that happen.

Allie

[kimdl93]

Let me give you a little unsolicited advice: Therapy is not magic and it is not simply spending an hour per session with a therapist. its encouraging that you felt a bit better about yourself after a constructive conversation. However, changing thoughts and behavior takes time and effort. Believe me, there is more work to be done. Destructive thoughts, anxieties and low self esteem are learned behaviors. I?m assuming that your therapist has given you assignments...tasks...to perform on an ongoing basis to learn more constructive ways of thinking. If not, she probably intends to go into this coaching portion of therapy very soon. Without it, the great likelihood is that you will slip back into familiar patterns of thought and behavior.

[Aunt Kelly]

You are on the right track, Pixie. As Kim points out, it appears that you still have much work to do. It also appears that you have accepted that, which is also important. Be kind to yourself. You truly have nothing to feel guilty about, but unlearning that can be tough.
Good luck to you, and keep up the good work.