I hate having to hide

[Nicole Bernard]

First, I should say, I've had a few drinks.

I haven't been able to dress since August. I'm really missing it.

I had a few hours alone today. I just put on some lipstick. My wife comes home and asks why my lips look so pink.

I just said they were chapped and dry.

I hate having to hide. I feel so lonely.

Sorry. I just had to get this out.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Nicole. I can relate. My wife has zero tolerance for even the slightest feminine things for me. I hate being dishonest as well, but after careful thought, my only way out is secrecy. I read your bio, your wife sounds similar to mine. I do not fault her, but dressing is something I need to do like so many others, and I do not want any more fights. I just have to dress when I am out of town for work. It is my only outlet. Not everyone is able to do that so I consider myself lucky.

Sandi

[bridget thronton]

Part of the reason I told my wife I dress was to avoid having to hide things or lie to her

[Rachelakld]

Hi Nicole, sorry you have to hide (my wife doesn't like me dressing but understands how it helps me)

Hope you get some "out of town" time or similar soon.
I have a kayak, so wife doesn't mind if I disappear for half a day or so (I'm usually up with the sun rise, hours before she wakes up on weekends)

[Victoria1]

Sorry for your situation Nicole. Like you, I can only really dress when I am home alone, which doesn't happen very often. I know the frustration that is often an integral part of this life style.

[GretchenM]

I know the feeling. I hid my dressing for almost 60 years until I had to come out and admit that I did that. My wife was not happy having had this kept from her for over 40 years. She was more hurt about the secret than the behavior of dressing in some way or other or as she put it, "Dressing like a woman." ("Dressing like my other self," is a lot more accepting; the other is derogatory.) But that passed and now she accepts that I do it at times but doesn't want to see it or participate in it. I can live with that because she accepts the fact that there is something about me that creates the feelings that produce that behavior. She understands that the feminine identity sense precedes the expression of those feelings in the form of needing to have something feminine present in the way I look so at least other people can have a chance to recognize that I am not just another guy. It does make you feel lonely though. If you can get her to accept you going to a support group of people like us that will help alleviate the loneliness, but it can also produce suspicions in her that there is more to this "support" than you are letting on. You kept one secret; how many more are there? Recognize that is likely to be her thought about it. And it goes along with the suspicion that you might be gay or bi which, in her eyes, drives you deeper into the unacceptable category.

I take it your wife doesn't know the full extent of your behavior or needs. It helps to be out to her and deal with all the possible disapproval, but doing that can be risky. Sadly, hiding might be better than revealing. Only you can decide that. Revealing could be a final straw and leave you even more lonely or it could open up a new world. Very hard to say and even harder to do if you are unsure of her reaction. Is she a woman who expresses a lot of empathy and sympathy toward others? If so, that is a plus, but no guarantee. Some women are very accepting of this behavior in others but not in their husband. Others can surprise you. If she is not that way toward others that are different you will likely have a big problem. The reaction to pink lips seemed a bit harsh, but telling her the truth about something little like that might give you a better clue as to how she might react to a larger reveal. Just discuss it in a kind and gentle way and you might open a door just a crack. Don't be a dominant masculine with her on that as the image and the behavior clash and won't be received well. It is a big mistake to make a reveal in male mode (been there, done that, doesn't work).

Do a lot of searching here. You will find lots of posts and discussions on this subject which might give you some ideas about how to reveal the truth if you decide to go that route.

[Star01]

I am in a similar situation and have not been able to dress fully since December. It's frustrating, lonely and sets our SO's up as "gatekeepers" of our femininity. I am dealing with it in therapy going into only my second session later this week. It's particularly frustrating because my wife is unable to be intimate due to health problems. Between her preventing me from dressing and no intimacy. She comes from a generation that wasn't as open to alternative methods of sexual expression so it's either vanilla sex or nothing. The combination of gatekeeping my dressing and ending our intimate life somewhat prematurely makes her appear more like an annoying roommate than lover and makes her gatekeeping all that much more stressful.

[Hidey]

I can relate to so much as my wife is not supportive and as we are oth retired and she does not go out very much on her own my dressing is very limited, but our happiness together has to come first, Hidey

[Krisi]

The only possible solution to the "hiding" thing is to bring this out into the open. Talk to your wife about it and see if you can come to some sort of agreement or compromise.

Obviously, we are all in different situations so maybe you've tried this already or maybe you haven't.

[Micki_Finn]

“Have to” is relative isn’t it? You have to if you want to maintain your marriage. But if that marriage is putting you in a situation where you are depressed and “lonely” then why are you married? Isn’t the point of marriage so that we WON’T be lonely? Just food for thought.

[docrobbysherry]

To add to Micki's post. If in your marriage u have to hide things that r important to u from your spouse?

Maybe it's NOT a good marriage.:straightface:

[Judy-Somthing]

I also hate having to hide, I wish my SO would except who I am. It was never an issue on Halloween.
I except her for who she is, even the things I don't like, because as we all know everyone is different.

[Hannah_]

"The combination of gatekeeping my dressing and ending our intimate life somewhat prematurely makes her appear more like an annoying roommate than lover and makes her gatekeeping all that much more stressful."

This really hit home with me. My wife has no interest in me sexually anymore yet still wants me to play the traditional male role. I am coming to the conclusion that the one and only problem she has with me dressing is how it reflects on her.

[Star01]

"I am coming to the conclusion that the one and only problem she has with me dressing is how it reflects on her. That would be true in my case. My wife has participated in a grand total of two conversations regarding my crossdressing. Incident one was when I was caught in the mid 80's and shunned by the religion I was involved in at that time as a result of my wife making it known. We were both involved in it at that time and I'm not angry because that was her obligation as part of that organization which we haven't been a part of since 1999. Our second conversation came as a result of me shaving my legs, growing my hair long and getting my ears pierced in the early 00's. Her reaction was to ridicule me and "put me in my place" and saying she didn't want to see me dressed or know about it. That has been our arrangement ever since but I suspect we'll be revisiting the talk again. The odd thing is that my wife is super liberal about LGBTQ issues and watches a lot of shows that deal with it. Our oldest daughter recently came out as a lesbian in her mid 40's and divorced and my wife has been supportive, sometimes throwing digs at me as her perception is that I am not as accepting as I should be...if she only knew.

Ours is a DADT arrangement but there is a large portion of NIMBY (not in my back yard) as well. My wife is a wonderful woman but in spite of her meek exterior is a take charge person who often molds the narrative to her liking. Everyone has their personality and the way we each deal with things so I don't get angry but I do get frustrated at times.

[Krea]

Nicole, i really sympathise with your situation, but Krisi is right. The only hope you have for improvement is to somehow try and talk this over with her to find a working compromise and maybe consider counselling together.
I know it is a daunting task, but if you continue to dress in secret you are surely gonna get caught. If she discovers that you have begun dressing again it will be far, far worse than if you tell her yourself.
Best wishes for progress.

[Stephanie47]

Just for the record. Nicole's long dissertation on her bio page indicates her wife is aware of her cross dressing and did participate to some extent in the past. Nicole has also been in counseling and has appeared en femme before her counselor. If Nicole has not tried to draw her wife into joint couples counseling sessions, she should. At a bare minimum her wife needs to get educated and not form opinions based on ignorance. Does that means she'll say it is alright for Nicole to sit down on the couch totally en femme, wig and makeup, and watch a "chick flick" together? No, but, perhaps a compromise can be worked out. Yes, perhaps divorce is in the future, but, was everything done to work out differences. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were divorced, and, she still says perhaps their marriage would have survived if "they had just talked more about their differences!"

[Sandi Beech]

I would certaintly agree that it makes sense to try to talk things out first, but at some point it becomes futile as in my case. Looking at Nicole's bio, I see there was a huge blow up over a discussion of painting toenails - something that can be hidden easily by slipping on some shoes. If that will not fly, nothing is likely to ever be permissable - same as my case. Some will never give in, and I am not being judgemental. I just see it as a fact that some wives can never accept it. (Consider yourself lucky if you do have an accepting wife, as some like mine have gone to the extent of name calling which I will not repeat here)

So if there is a zero tolerance, AND you still want to maintain your marriage, you have to make a decisiion. You either have to stop (not so easy), or do it in secret (which is what I do).

The hard part about secretive dressing is finding a balance. How much is enough to keep you statified? I am lucky because I have to travel a lot. I get some freedom in dressing while away from everyone I know. I have more or less found a very fragile balance, which has worked for me a couple of years now. It could all come crashing down for me in a moment, but for now it is working.

Good luck, Nicole. I hope it works out for you and you can find your "balance".

Sandi

[BethanyCross]

It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat. In my case, back in the 70's, I told my wife about it when our relationship got serious. She stuck with me and we both tried to make it work. I saw a therapist which was no help, (of course) and she tried to accept - but eventually couldn't. Since then its been DADT. I used to get a few Bethany days here and there but now our living
situation has changed and she rarely leaves home. I know Bethany is going to have to start taking some trips out of town to get a little time - can't think of an alternative. Life can be miserable and risky when the pink fog rolls in and you don't have an outlet for it!

[Angie G]

I dressed for years hiding it from my wife. One time it was a very hot day and I got her to give me one of her skirts wear. it has grown from there. Now I dress every day and she even helps and buys thing for angie. :hugs:
Angie

[Stephanie47]

So if there is a zero tolerance, AND you still want to maintain your marriage, you have to make a decision. You either have to stop (not so easy), or do it in secret (which is what I do). Sandi

When I confronted my situation the primary issues that had to be confronted was explaining who I am, and, why my wife wanted nothing to do with my cross dressing. On both of our parts there was ignorance. My wife did not understand, along with myself, why I wanted or needed to do the things I wanted to do. There was a serious conversation which lasted for sometimes. I was forthright with my answers. Yes, there is a long laundry list any wife is going to have; the gay issue, the transitioning issue. There was also "I do not know why I feel the need to do what I do!" No BS about my "inner woman." No BS about how certain garments felt. All those really are nothing more to a woman than a smoke screen to confront the issue.

My wife had some serious issues growing up as a child and as a young adult. Knowing what I know I can accept why she has declined to participate. Does she go "ape shit" over it? No. She has found a bra or panty out. Pseudo breast enhancements (water balloons) in the kitchen sink. A hint of eye makeup not removed. If we had gone to a therapist decades ago perhaps, just perhaps, we would have reached the same outcome. Respect him. Respect her. All based on getting past the ignorance issue.

Is there a reasonable accommodation able to be reached? Sure. My wife has not mention one iota about my cross dressing since the early 1980's. I also have not thrown anything in her face either. Maybe, it is the longevity of our marriage. We have reached the level of oneness where we know each other. We know what will aggravate the other. Or make us laugh. I'm sure my wife knew I was en femme when she was still working. In retirement mode now. How does that work? She has volunteered one night a month to stay overnight at our daughter's apartment to babysit our grandson, so his parents do not have to shell out $15-$20 an hour. I suspect it is a ruse to give me my much needed femme time.

It comes down to her realizing her husband is the guy she married, and, a little bit more. However, there has never been anything done to negate the person's both of us married.

Another thing that seems to be evident in failed marriages is the unreasonable expectation there is the ideal man or woman out there for each of us. A man or woman without a fault. Marriage is not reality television.

[Teresa]

Nicole,
I'm past all that now but I haven't forgotten what it's like to be hiding something we are made to feel ashamed of . I hindsight there's never a right time to come out , it can go either way and once sonething has been said it can't be retracted , in my case it proved that there was no going back from that point .

No matter how often you dress we usually push for more , whatever drives that is very powerful and eventually can't be denied , at some point the hiding will have to stop . Usually it comes to the point of saying something before you get caught , best of luck .

[Joni T]

Nicole,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but face it bro, you got caught. It's about time you came clean to momma. It won't be easy or pretty but you need to address the issue, and soon. Don't be surprised by her remark: "What ELSE have you been hiding from me?" She's gonna feel betrayed and violated. I'm just glad I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to hide it. In fact, l-o-n-g story short, had it not been for Joni, I would've never met my wife, and yes, she's a GG.
Jon

[MeshelleCD]

Nicole,

Hiding your desire to dress absolutely sucks. Fortunately my wife is supportive and understanding, the difficulty I encounter is having two kids at home. Would like to give you advice on your situation (tell/dont tell), but I dont know enough about it to make an informed choice. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Pumped]

My wife kind of freaked out when she found out and put her foot down and said No way! We did continue to talk and after a while she came to me and said it was ok with her, but she didn't want to see me dressed. It has slowly progressed. Last night I just could get the zipper on my dress pulled up and asked her for help. No comments, she just zipped me up and gave me a swat on the butt.

[Devi SM]

I'd like most of the commentators could read my post and comment if needed.

I have good and bad news for you ladies.
Bad news: it's not about dressing. You could reach the point to achieve that your wife "allow" you to dress whenever you want and you would still finding that's not enough. As many here, then is going out, then go shopping, go to dinner etc. nothing is enough because is not about dressing in private or public. It has a name, Gender Dysphoria.

It's about your own existence. We can't live a lie. Most of us are honest people and finally the truth comes to light. Many of us do unconscious actions to be caught because don't have the guts, don't know house to out or are really afraid to the consequences and our mind built all kind of possibilities to telling the truth.

I lived all that and more. For all the said I add the element to believe to be bisexual and that was the worse part of my confession to wife.
Probably to dress would had be nothing but being bisexual was horrible. She didn't eat in three days and part or those days and nights it was just crying. both. I felt that was the biggest error of my life but the cat was out of the bag.

Intermediately she told me to divorce but I didn't accept. We both know that life without the other is not life. If one of would die it would be bearable because is inevitable but to live separated lives was something not namely for both.
Even thought the said, she offered me 6 more times let me go to see me happily living as a woman.

Therapy helped us a lot because gave me the tools to keep living together but in a DADT way. Again, that wasn't something we could accept. We pass for different stages. While she was mourning (it has different stages) I wasn't enough happy dressing at home whenever I want, every day. As many here, I needed to go out, shopping, dinner etc. and I had always shared everything with wife but she didn't understand it, neither i do.
It took more than counseling, I tried with hormones and that change my life completely. I learn that I wasn't a crossdresser but a trans. For years I had another feeling directly connected with my gender dysphoria. I didn't know. It took to switch to a gender therapist, an actual transexual as well to begin to understand my now reality but at this point there was something that wasn't nonnegotiable, our separation, no way.

I had changed in ways without hormones was impossible and is the common feeling of most of the trasgender in HRT.
Men and women are very different and hormones play a big role in the differentiation. This is something that is topic for another thread.
Now, with female hormone levels and minimum testosterone possible, at the any woman's level, my vision of life, feelings, reaction had changed to be more closer to my wife. I can understand her more now than the previous 50 years of life and around 35 married.
She has noticed this changes and see them every day. I'm a better person now and we share so many things that are moments together are always happy even living full time as a woman, as I meant to be all my life.
She is now traveling overseas for her mom's 90 birth date and we talked around 10 times each day.

The good news: you still alive and have the opportunity to live your life as you're meant to live it, in truth and happines with honesty to your love ones and to the world.
The opposite is to live a lie and that is like a cancer.
A survey was done to old people in hospices and rest home waiting just to die, the main question was about regrets on life, the common answer was about the regrets for the no done things on life.

mho.

Devi

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Last week, during an incident where I came closest to being caught since the early 80s, the emotions flying through my brain seemed different this time. A feeling of potential relief was happening, and the rest was about timing and more about my wife's potential reactions rather than worry about being outed. Progress?

[JuliaGirl]

Looking back at my closest incident in 40 years of dressing just about a month ago now ... I wonder Rhonda if I didn't feel a bit of exactly that same feeling.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Nicole, There is a lot to read here, I feel for you, I am in a DADT relationship but not near the stress that others seem to have. I hope for the best for you. Take care and be strong. Brenda

[Majella St Gerard]

Seems like some people put themselves in a prison and then complain about it. YOU are in control of your own life.

[Star01]

Seems like some people put themselves in a prison and then complain about it. YOU are in control of your own life.

We all know the dynamics of our own relationships better than any outside observers in a forum post. As someone who has taken one for the "team" aka family in various ways for what will be fifty years in a couple of months it appears that with some it boils down to what comes first, my own self expression or putting family first. I see about the same number of comments supporting both approaches.

[Nicole Bernard]

I've been talking with my therapist about coming out to my wife.

I felt that it would help if I wrote out what I wanted to say, so that I could make sure to get all the details laid out and be somewhat prepared. I could re-read, edit, and practice, rather than just try and express all my feelings and hope I don't leave anything out.

My therapist suggested that I start with a letter that I would keep in my bag of feminine stuff. A letter to an anonymous reader.

Partly in the case of an untimely death or by chance someone would find the bag and open it.

I felt a sense of weight being lifted off my shoulders by writing the letter and it gave me a good starting place for what I would say to my wife.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I have something jotted down in my stash like that, Nicole.

[Stephanie47]

Seems like some people put themselves in a prison and then complain about it. YOU are in control of your own life.

Yes, anyone may do anything and wherever and whenever he or she wants to do it, but, there is always some recipient of that action. That's the rub. The recipient of the action may do the same thing. Nobody lives in a vacuum.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Nicole

If you have not already done so. I suggest you read the post here about "How to Tell Your Partner".

There is a link in my signature.

[Nicole Bernard]

Thank you, Shelly. That is a fantastic read.

Lots of great info.

I feel more confidence just reading those links.

I still don't know what will happen but I feel so much more prepared. That gave me a lot to think about.

Thanks to everyone who has given such great support. I couldn't do this without you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Another thing that seems to be evident in failed marriages is the unreasonable expectation there is the ideal man or woman out there for each of us. A man or woman without a fault. Marriage is not reality television.

I wish I could have had the expectation of finding an ideal person when I was young. Some of us don't have anyone out there for us, even if they are far less than ideal.

If I had to choose between dressing and a wife, I would choose a wife, hands down.

[Alice Torn]

Vickie, I agree with you 100%. 65, still alone here.

[Asew]

Even with a wife that allows me to dress as I please around the house but male mode around town. I still hate having to hide part time.

[Vicky_Scot]

Part of the reason I told my wife I dress was to avoid having to hide things or lie to her

Same for me plus it was causing me mental health issues lying to her. Best thing I did and was lucky to have a loving and accepting wife. x

[crissy7]

Hiding something sounds like we are doing something wrong.i don't feel like i'm doing anything wrong and i'm tired of hiding.

[Genifer Teal]

We often hear from wives that find out that keeping the secret was worse than what the secret is. You are cheating the relationship by not being fully honest with your partner. Don't overlook the fact that you're also cheating yourself by hiding it. You're not admitting to yourself who you might really be. Secrets can be kept and life goes on but I don't believe it's a healthy way to live. Keeping a secret almost like an addiction and it keeps getting worse until the breaking point. Look at other people's situation and see how they handled it. How long did they last to the breaking point? I can think right now of a longtime friend just moving into an apartment on her own because of a divorce. In many ways she's never been happier. Obviously in some she's not so happy. At some point the consequences of not being our self are more important.