Married. CD. BI - what it means to be all 3.

[Dannie1]

edited for reasons

[Sandi Beech]

Hey there Dannie. All I can say is wow. If I told my wife that , she would likely always worry about what I do when on the road by myself. Just be aware that if you look nice dressed up, you will eventually have men hitting on you. So you might want to be mentally prepared for how you deal with it. I had a long post about my experience being hit on in gay bars. Not all would be attracted to you, but I can assure you that some are. I have wondered about whether I might be bi because I do not mind being hit on, but I definitely prefer women which is why I am married. I can not share any of my dressing or outings with my wife as she is zero tolerance. All I can say is be careful what you say and do to keep someone from being hurt. Good luck.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

Good news and bad news, Dannie. Good that you're communicating with your SO.:thumbsup:

Bad because u r so young, u may have no idea of what being "open and honest with yourself" means yet.:sad:

You're having fantasies about being with men. Those may continue. Since you'll likely be a different person with different needs and desires in 10 or 20 years, u mite feel differently about your fantasies then.:battingeyelashes:

People who have doable fantasies often get to a point in their lives when they decide to act on them while they still can. At age 76, I've learned quite a bit about how unpredictable "open and honest with yourself" can be over time!:eek:

[mbmeen12]

You are going to be acting sooner than you think.....The compulsion will grow and enjoy the ride.

[prene]

This compulsion does not go away for me.

[Anna Gracie]

Being trans is like going through 10 girl years in a short time. You are suppost to handle all thoose emotions a lot faster than a gg.
You could say that you got thrown into the state of a teenage girl and puberty again.

I dont know for how long you have been dressing but I was very into sex the first years. Now its a lot more about beeing a regular girl and not focusing on the sex that much.

My wife knows about the dressing and the sex.

[Ressie]

I'm divorced, 66 years old but I can relate somewhat. You've communicated your fantasies and desires to your wife but has she been as open to you?

[Star01]

All I can add is that if you're still in your 30's is that you still have a long ride ahead of you. I am pushing 70 and only recently realized I needed to sort this all out. At least you're getting an early start and have a lot of time to contemplate things and not feel so rushed as some of us late bloomers.

[Micki_Finn]

A lot of men indulge in a phallocentric fantasy life from time to time. This does necessarily make you bisexual. Also, you say you’re married and you have no desire to stray from your wife, so really your sexuality shouldn’t matter.

[Michellebej]

When I was much younger I was married to a woman who was very bi. She liked to bring other women home. She was very accepting of me, and arranged for us to meet a man together. Everything went well, and she was very happy....that night.

In the morning she was not so happy, but not fighting mad either. I ended up withdrawing into a shell for a few days a bit hurt by some of the things she said. After four or five days she asked me why I wasn't changing when I got home from work. I reminded her of what had happened and she played it off as "nothing important"; as she pulled out an outfit for me to wear.

Over the next few weeks she would verbalize her approval and even her need to see me with a man again. She arranged for us to do it again, and with the same results.

The bottom line was that she loved having me as her girlfriend. She absolutely adored verbalizing her desires for me while being intimate. She loved actually doing it; in the moment. And she treated me badly the next day or so. She was always the one to bring it back up when she was ready, sometimes the same day she treated me badly. She later told me she feared I would like it so much that I would leave her for a man. Then reality would catch up and she would feel silly.

My experiance is that you will probably keep progressing in your desires until they either desensitize you to them, or you act on them. How your wife reacts is an entirely individual issue. I suspect that most women are not as accepting as my former wife, though she is far from the only woman I have had in my life that enjoys that aspect of me being me.

On the other hand this forum is full of tales of marriages and relationships being lost for far less. Sometimes just for wearing a single pair of panties.

I have never done it, but have wondered if going to a couples and/or a sex councilor would help.Of course both parties need to be completely honest in their feelings and I find most people just can't do it.

[LilSissyStevie]

One principle I learned from 12 step programs is to make amends to people I have harmed "except when to do so would injure them or others." I think that's also a good principle to apply to being honest. Be totally honest to people except when to do so would injure them or others! If you want to tell your wife about your fantasies merely because it weighs on you conscience then it's probably the wrong reason. Ask yourself how this revelation will improve and enrich her life. If it doesn't maybe you should just keep it to yourself. If the cat's already out of the bag then I wouldn't belabor the point and reassure her that it will go no further than fantasy. But realize that she will never look at you the same.

[Eemz]

Thanks for sharing Dannie. I'm divorced, but I am the other two in your list :)

It's really great that you know and accept who you are.

I think it's pretty straightforward.

My opinion is that if the other person thinks they're in a monogamous relationship and they're not, it's cheating. The sex or gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

In terms of attraction... all married people notice other attractive people as they move through their lives - they're married, they're not dead. They're just not going to do anything about it because they're in a monogamous relationship. You're bi, so some of the people you notice will be men, but that's neither here nor there. I was married to a woman for 9 years and sure I noticed a few people along the way, and some of them were men. That just means I'm alive.

Fantasy is exactly that and there's nothing wrong with it.

[Rayleen]

Dannie1,

Married,CD, living alone. transgender.
Still having a hard time to figure out where its going. enjoy being amongs girls, sometime feeling being one of them.

There as many different gender as there are people.

[Dannie1]

Thanks for sharing. The hardest part of this is accepting yourself and who you are first. I knew but ignored my actions or thoughts like they weren?t mine. Over time I?ve learned it?s not a crime to feel that way.

[Devi SM]

I'm married, 40 years same wife, I was a crossdresser for a lot of years. I came out to my wife with the idea I was bisexual, crossdresser. Unfortunately, I laid with more men than women and that confession almost destroy my marriage.
I'm honest saying that I came out to my wife because I was looking for freedom to do whatever I want.
If course wife was very unhappy and as one of the conditions to keep married was no go with men.
That was mainly to push me to look therapy.
Jumping on the history, being on HRT, my mind changed so much that I would had never gone with men. I don't like them, I actually never like men but was sexual. After a year and a half I changed to a gender therapist, trans as well, ftm, and he helped me to find out that all that sexual activity with men was just a search for my sexual identity that many times is confused with gender.
Sex orientation and gender are not the same, as being a cis women not necessarily must be into men, so there are lesbians, that's finally my sexual orientation and my gender female.
I'd been honest here with you Dannie, because I see some contradictions on your post.
You say fantasy, had you actually being sexually with a man?
It's hard for any woman to share sexually her husband with another woman, more with another man, so I would say look for help, a counselor, therapist.

Mho and experience,

Devi

[Micki_Finn]

“Can anyone truly give you the perfect answer...?”

Um, what’s the question?

[Eemz]

I think you’re overthinking it. You’re bi so you’re attracted to men as well as women, but you’re married so you’re not planning to cheat with either. It doesn’t need to be any more complex than that.

[Devi SM]

I reread when you say open bi 3 years in the same context married 9 years, cd 6 years. There are 3 different things in levels of reality and importance for me.
A fact you're married, I haven't checked any pic of you dressed, bi? Just fantasies, dreams? I think you need to see a therapist because you expose some contradictions and thoughts but no enough facts to know what you are.
Have you seen the tv show Lost in transition?
You need therapy and a lot of information.

Devi

[Desiree2bababe]

I've struggled with the same for 35 years of marriage. I suppose the struggle will never end.

[Devi SM]

I've struggled with the same for 35 years of marriage. I suppose the struggle will never end.

It can end.
I struggled for 20 years but now I am trans, keep happily married and being in HRT open my mind and I'm no longer bi.

Devi