Ashamed, sad, happy, frustrated, ashamed, ...

[Liene]

Hi there

I'm a 39 years old MTF crossdresser and I'm fighting it way over 20 years now. At times I feel exhausted. Exhausted because I have a hard time accepting that I'm a crossdresser and I keep trying to find a reason why I am one. My thoughts looped thousands of times over this, but without any conclusion. I'm not even sure whether an answer to this question would even help me at all.

I'm out to my wife, but it took me several years to admit to her the full extent of my crossdressing. In the beginning I could only tell her I liked to wear female underwear. Later, when she noticed my shaved upper legs, I came out completely. She now knows I like to get fully dressed, put on make up, etc. Maybe still not the part where I'm wearing a wig, like to keep everything tucked in nicely, but I don't think she would be surprised. In fact, she knows I would also like to dress in public.

She had her fair amount of shocks to process, but she's really quite supporting towards my crossdressing now. Not so much that she's ok with me shaving my legs or seeing any of my clothes (let alone me wearing them), but it's ok. She understands I'm not the manliest of man and doesn't think I'm a freak or anything like that. She's ok with me dressing up.

Still, I have a hard time accepting it myself. Even if I really feel it is part of me, part of who I am. Even if I'm really happy when I'm en femme. Even when I'm smiling thinking of a new outfit. It frustrates me, it makes me sad. Why am I ashamed of being me? :(

Can someone relate?

[Robertacd]

I think we can all relate to that to some aspect.

Honestly I don't have any magical advice but to say that I had to stop looking for something to blame and just accept this is the way I am.

I came out as just a crossdresser to my wife 20 years ago. But the guilt and shame stayed.

I recently came out as Transgender and that seems to have solved everything as far as guilt and shame.

[Micki_Finn]

I?m a crossdresser. Would you walk up to me on the street and tell me what I?m doing is wrong or evil? Would you feel revulsion at seeing me walk down the street? Would you tell me that I?m disgusting?

Think about how you feel about yourself, and think about how you feel about other crossdressers. If the answers to any of my questions above is ?Yes?, then it should be pretty obvious why you feel shame. But if you answered ?no? to all of the questions above, then why would you think differently about yourself? Think about how your attitude about yourself reflects a wider view of other trans people and crossdressers.

[Liene]

O my, you're so right!
I have great respect for anyone who's proud of who he/she is: male, female, crossdresser, transgender, ...

I had a hard time growing up and my survival strategy was to give room to the people and to make myself as insignificant as possible.

Only after 18 months of seeing a therapist, I'm starting to be proud of myself. It's a tough one, but it's progressing.
Today, for the first time ever, I opened up to my wife and told her "I am a crossdresser and I like it", no more buts or ifs. It felt weird, but right. Maybe today's the day I was true to myself for the first time.

I'm going through quite an intense period in my life, but this forum makes me happy.

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Liene,

I grew when Klinger was the joke on the MASH TV comedy. A guy who dressed in women's clothes trying to get a section 8 discharge out of the Army and back home and out of the Korean war.

I wear heels and women's clothes to work. I'm starting to work on wearing nail polish on weekends but I need more practice.

Marion

[kimdl93]

I think everyone of us can relate to those feelings. Most of us, especially the, ahem, more experienced among us, grew up in a far from accepting social climate and we all learned to deny, hide, lie, etc to maintain what we knew was a socially acceptable facade.

Why is harder to answer. You?ll never get a satisfactory explanation because its unethical to dissect the brains of living transgender people and very complicated to recognize what physiological, neurological and hormonal variations might contribute to making us as we are. The simplest biological explanation is that variation is normal. We simply exhibit a higher degree of variation from the median in terms of our gender identity.

[Judy-Somthing]

It differently would make my life less complicated if I didn't have such a strong desire to dress since I was about 5!

I got rid of over 175 dresses last month partly due to the feeling that it's makes me look crazy to some people.

[Crissy 107]

Like many of us I started crossdressing at a young age, for me it was my Mom’s things. As I got older I started to buy some things of my own which I absolutely loved. I met my wife and the whole range of emotions hit me, I knew I had to stop so I purged everything out of guilt and being ashamed. I really thought I could stop crossdressing and put it in my past. I did successfully suppress it or so I thought. I tried and it did work for many years. Finally thanks to sites like this I got the advice and support to come out to my wife. I did and she did not demand a divorce and initially was very supportive. That has changed but that is for another thread.
The bottom line I am a much happier person and I absolutely enjoy what I can do. I think it is almost a unanimous opinion that this part of us will never go away.

[Maid_Marion]

My wife (she passed 5 years ago) broached the idea of crossdressing because it was impossible for me to find clothes for work in the men's and boys departments.

Now that I wear women's clothes I have no trouble finding stuff to wear, as I'm a petite size 2 with an hourglass figure. It is now fun to shop for clothes.

[DanielleDubois]

You'll receive huge range of advice on this issue but my personal experience is the more open you can be in discussions with your wife the less the guilt and shame will be. There will be compromises and probably things your wife does not want to hear about but that's what a relationship is all about, respecting each other's boundaries and feelings. My shame and guilt has not completely disappeared but my overall stress levels have definitely decreased from when I was fully closeted and had to keep everything secret from my wife.

[docrobbysherry]

U just need to think of it this way, Liene:

Alcoholics, druggies, child porn pervs, etc. ALL have to struggle with their addictions, too!:doh:

The difference is, u r NOT harming anyone, breaking any laws, or doing anything wrong!:thumbsup:

So, give yourself a break. It COULD be a lot worse. U could be a model train or golf addict!:brolleyes:

[sometimes_miss]

Why am I ashamed of being me?

Liene, most of us grew up being told from the moments that we were self aware, that as boys, the worst thing we could possibly be, was feminine in any way. Indeed, the most hurtful, shaming insults that anyone can call us, is by calling us female pronouns or girl names, girly, lady, sissy, not to mention the more x rated ones, or using female adjectives to describe us. So this shame we feel is so ingrained into our minds, that we can't escape it. It's so bad, that many will create a whole imaginary female persona to assign all their feminine feelings to, even referring to themselves in third person, rather than admit to themselves that it's part of their male self.

[Rachelakld]

My wife used to have a MANLY husband.
Now she's with me, she can buy food for her children without getting in to trouble, she can buy clothes, she can have hobbies and interests.

Sometimes, being more in tune with our partners, can be better than "Being A Man", maybe being who you are is better than the alternative?
As my sister told me "it makes you the wonderful person you are".

[Tracii G]

Stop trying to figure out why because there is no answer if you want to be honest about it.
Its popular these days to blame others or things in your life for the situation you are in now.
Don't be one of those kinds of people. "Own" who you are and don't make excuses.
Learn to accept who you are and stop being so negative. Love yourself for being a genuine person.

[Rachel05]

Goodness me I can totally relate to where you are and how you feel, it’s like you’re writing about me many years ago, only back before I found my inner peace there is no way I’d have been able to call myself a cross dresser or back in my day transvestite, not in a million years would I have been able to call myself either of those

Somewhere along the way I came to terms with me, what I do is part of who I am and now I love who I am, I’m a cross dresser and I’m totally at peace with that, it’s a part of me, it’s me and those feelings of shame I had about me, they’re nowhere to be seen

There is no magic pill but my regret is that I didn’t embrace myself earlier in life and just enjoy my femme side as much as I do now, I can’t say how exactly it happened, I’ve dressed now for all but 8 years of my life, but I found my inner peace and I know my dressing is as much a part of me as breathing

Go easier on yourself and enjoy who you are

[wanabe-Leona]

I can come up with a one word answer to the question of all time. ( SOCIETY ) It!s what's been leading us along as long as time itself. What is right for all fits us all we as individuals cannot stand up and say that is not right for me, society does not like when we buck the system. I just want to live and let live.

[Liene]

Hi all

it feels so good to read all your replies :<3:
I experience quite a lot of ridicule towards people not following the societies gender norm. I always try to be the voice of acceptance, but it's hard getting my message through.

I have felt many things since I'm trying to accept myself: sigh of relief, sad happiness, uncertainty, hope, tears, fright, ...
This forum gives me something to hold on to, I value it a lot. Thanks for making me a little bit more ok with myself.

[Helen_Highwater]

Liene,

As others have said, while growing up everything then was about the gender binary. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. To deviate from that made you a deviant. This is what was ingrained in us all through our formative years.

Although attitudes to things have changed we still live in a society of our peers many of whom still have those ideas buried in their heads. Thankfully many younger folks are far more liberal and enlightened. Leading figures in the worlds of politics, sport, entertainment are openly gay and are widely accepted.

Getting your own thought train to realise that you're not a deviant, to gain self acceptance, can be a hard road to travel as you've found out. As Micki says, if you wouldn't call any of us here freaks or deviant, why do you label yourself that way?

You're one of us. A member of a special community.

Now it could be said that because I'm still in the closet I'm ashamed of who or what I am but nothing could be further from the truth. It's just expediency but when I out out and about I do so with confidence and what I, and many others here find, is that we're treated like any other person. So if complete strangers can accept us, why shouldn't we accept ourselves?

[Krea]

Liene, yes most of us can relate to this. :thumbsup:
Over the last few months i have felt a greater confidence about myself, largely thanks to the support here from those who keep telling me to be confident and don't be controlled by what others think.
Even so, i admit that there are moments when the shame still re-appears, altho this is becoming far less frequent now. As Lexi said, gender stereotypes have been ingrained in most of us since birth. It is not easy to overcome this and follow your own path, yet that is what we must somehow try to do.
Tracii has summed it up nicely. Don't waste time trying to work out why. Just be yourself and go with it. Love who you are! :)

[Angela Marie]

It was tough for me growing up in the 60's. Crossdressers were looked upon as freaks and the societal mores of the time were suffocating. Fast forward, after two purges I am finally coming to embrace this part of me. I told my wife very early in our relationship (second marriage, and no crossdressing was not the reason for the end of my first marriage). She understands and while she does not go out with me she is nonetheless nonjudgemental. She actually suggested I see a therapist to understand more fully my desires; and I will be meeting with one soon. I know i'm rambling but, as others have pointed out, this happens to almost all of us. We are doing nothing wrong, hurting no one, and as far as I can tell most of us lead productive lives.