Out of control lately

[Sandi Beech]

Good grief I do not know what has gotten into me this week. I have been going out in public wearing my breast forms everywhere, except around my wife. It is a huge adrenaline rush but I am going to get busted for sure by my wife or someone close to me. I had been experimenting with new ways to attach my forms so I can go braless with a clingy shirt. I have such a great bounce with my setup that I just can not get enough of it, and I feel like I am about to have a train wreck over it. Somebody talk some sense into me. Ugh.

Sandi

[MaryAnn1963]

Sorry, I cannot talk some sense into you... because I just too jealous.:)

[Sandi Beech]

My wife would absolutely blow a gasket over it. I almost think that somewhere in the depths of my subconscious that I want to get caught, but the logic side of my brain tells me it would go VERY badly. I keep doing it practically under her nose. It is very high risk and causing my stress to spiral out of control. Darn good thing she can not figure out how to operate the security cams.

Sandi

[kimdl93]

Sandi, I do understand the feelings. I also understand the risks, as you certainly Do. Risk taking may yield an adrenaline rush, but you have to ask yourself if that momentary high is worth the risk. So, for a moment, consider those risks. Before you go out next time and indulge yourself, make a deal with yourself: Do not go out again until you have advised your wife of your intentions. If you cannot bring yourself to tell her, then do not go.

Think of it like going out drinking. Yes, there is the alcohol induce euphoria, but is it worth the risk of a DUI?

[Sandi Beech]

Of course you are right Kim. I guess I am having withdrawals because I have not had a business trip since I got back from Vegas on Feb 1. I have had no opportunity to dress fully since then. Sometimes my creativity gets me in trouble. What I did was figure out how to use gorilla tape to attach the the back of my form. Then the tape only sticks to a band of ace bandage which goes over my shoulder and is taped at the end to my waist clincher on my back. It is actually quite comfortable and very strong. I use a dab of skin tac to keep limit the bouncing , but gee is it fun. The amount of movement is amazing. I went and had lunch at Applebee?s dressed using that under my shirt. No one said anything. Hopefully now that the thrill is lessened a bit my rationale will return to normal, sigh.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

Sandi, Slow down girl, as much as you are enjoying this I am pretty sure it is not worth the problems you will incur when your wife eventually finds out.

[Vicky_Scot]

Sandi get a bloody grip of yourself lassie :heehee:

[Aunt Kelly]

The thrill, whether from the exhibitionism or the threat of being "caught", or both, is the reward in your case. Take it from me, a lifelong adrenaline junkie, you might want to sort out the TG feelings and the adrenaline rush. They're not quite the same thing, and indulging both at the same time may not be a good long-term plan. Have you considered rock climbing or bungee jumping? :)

[Sandi Beech]

Right you all are. It is difficult when you do not feel like you have any real friends you can talk to about this stuff. I suppose that is why I came here in the first place like so many of you. It is easier when semi anonymous for those of us who live with secrets. Just kind of sad feeling today. I guess the stress of this pink fog has caused a break in the dam of emotions today.

Sandi

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

I empathize with you Sandi Beech, and I'm sorry you have to deal with such frustration and self-doubt. I know it all too well. Since I've been working out early each morning, (today is day 48!!, yea for me), I've been adavancing my dressing a little more and more. Can't help it. Too much fun. Started with some underdressng (sports bra and yoga pants). I've bought more things, and now it's my whole workout outfit. Yoga top, forms, a sweet velor hoody sweatsuit outfit that is perfectly snug to show my shape. Girl sneakers, hats, pink gloves or these adorable gloves with a cheetah print on the end. With a colorful scarf I love seeing my shadows as I pass under the street lights. Makes my workout amazing. Never really planned how much I'd look forward to working out.

But the risk is very high, too. If the wife gets out of bed, if a neighbor stops or recognized me. God forbid I slip on some ice and fall and get hurt.

My advise is prepare yourself. If you take such risks, you will be found out, one way or another.

Is there another way you can get your thrills and lower the risk? For me by starting out at 4:30 or 5:00 am, it's pretty quiet out there. And that actually allows me to enjoy the activity even more - with lower risk. It's quelled some of the pressure when I can't dress.

Good luck. Keep us informed how you are progressing. As we tell the kids, "Make good decisions."
Kathleen

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks Kathleen and others who responded. Much appreciated. Taking it one day at a time.

Sandi

[Joni T]

I learned a l-o-n-g time ago that if you have to sneak around to do some thing, you probably shouldn't do it. How's Momma gonna' react when (and it's WHEN, NOT IF) she discovers this charade? Which is more important IN THE L-O-N-G RUN--the immediate self-gratification, or keeping your relationship intact?
Just sayin'.......
Jon

[Helen_Highwater]

Sandi,

Clarify something for me please. You say, " I have been going out in public wearing my breast forms everywhere". So are we talking fully enfemme or in drab or something halfway? When I first read the post I assumed you were wearing your forms under non femme clothing which pushes the envelope even further.

If it is the case that this is you dressed enfemme then doing so with forms is the logical thing to do but from what you've written it doesn't sound as this is the case.

Having that bounce is a sensation those who wear forms get to experience. It makes inanimate objects feel as if they're part of us and being drawn to it is something many will understand. Remember, one of the reasons GG's wear bras is to at least limit if not stop such motion. It's one of those things were enough is as good as a feast. A modicum of movement is by far more realistic than having a pair of "Bouncing Betty's" announcing your arrival.

[Sandi Beech]

High Helen. I did not make it all that clear. I had been experimenting with the forms when my wife was out shopping. Once I got the results I liked, I started wearing them under my clothes in drab mode except a couple of times I wore women?s white shorts and pantyhose, but most of the time just men?s clothes. I was wearing a men?s shirt that is very light material so the shape was quite obvious. Our weather is mild in the daytime so it was just a shirt. I wore them into stores 6 days in a row. Pharmacy, grocery, and even a restaurant today. I thought I had my life in balance though somewhat fragile. I was doing this mostly when my wife was asleep in the morning. She does not sleep well and sets her alarm for 9:30 am. All it would have taken is someone to ring the phone and wake her up to see me walking in the house dressed like that. That is why I said - out of control. Talk about risky behavior. Sometimes I do not understand myself.

Sandi

[Taylor Dame]

Sounds like you really want to get caught, especially since you are wearing men's shirts made of light material. If your wife doesn't know about your dressing, you are likely playing with fire.

[Sandi Beech]

Taylor , she knows I like wearing pantyhose but that is about it. The last time I got busted was 3 years ago and she threw her yogurt across the room and it went all over the furniture and carpet. Then she cut up my hose into a million little pieces and left them for me to clean up. So thanks for making me remember why I do NOT want to get caught in reality. I should know by now, but that dang ping fog blurs the mind sometimes.

Got to keep saying to myself - don?t be stupid Sandi

[Helen_Highwater]

Sandi,

Thanks for clarifying things. Geeezz, talk about playing with fire. If you haven't already, stop! If wearing hose generated such strong reaction then I'd make sure she can't get at anything sharp when she finds out as it might be you she wants to cut up.

We all understand how these desires can overwhelm us. One of the skills we have to acquire is patience. Knowing when it's the time and place for us to do something that we'd rather not have others know about.

Time for a deep breath and admit this is a step too far and end it before it ends your marriage.

[Crissy 107]

We all understand how these desires can overwhelm us. One of the skills we have to acquire is patience.

This is a very true statement and something most of us need to learn.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks Helen and Crissy. I was thinking about it a lot as I was going to sleep last night and came to the realization that I am not trying to get caught, I just do not want to have to take them off because I am enjoying them so much. That is why I have been pushing the limit to wear them as much as possible. One thing I have never mentioned is that I have fairly large breasts naturally, and I got where I like how they look when suntanning. So around 2018 I went to a female plastic surgeon to talk about breast augmentation. The cost was going to be $6000 and I actually went as far as setting a date but chickened out realizing that showing up at home with implants would cause an instant divorce. That was the last time the pink fog sent me out in left field. Fortunately I came around. For the most part I am a pretty normal person, but this stuff just makes me crazy sometimes.

Sandi

[GretchenM]

As you have found it is very hard when you get into this state of mind. Been there, done that. It is my impression that perhaps it is the pleasure, the high, you feel when doing this. It has a firms and deep grip on you and you are perhaps addicted to the endorphins that are released with the behavior. But, quite frankly, I think you have lost control of yourself and your feelings and may be consumed by self. Thus consequences are thrown aside in favor of the feelings of pleasure you get.

Large boobs (advanced gynecomastia) with male expression is not a common thing, but with some cancer treatments that happens, but most men try to obscure it rather than enhance it. However, it is always very embarrassing for them. With you there is part of a feminine gender factor involved which complicates things considerable.

But you are also married, have seen how your wife reacts, and yet continue to push the limit. You are out of control if you are willing to sacrifice your marriage for pleasure. You can stop, but it takes tons of self discipline to do it and a lot of jaw clenching effort. I think you might consider seeking therapeutic help. If your wife asks what you are doing tell her you are dealing with a personal problem that you will share with her at some point. Then through the therapist introduce the problem to your wife so it is revealed to her in a neutral environment moderated by the therapist. It is worth considering this route because it shows her that you are willing to face the facts and are considering her needs in it all. Otherwise, unless you can dredge up a huge amount of self discipline to stop doing what you are doing and pulling back, you are in a bit of a self made trap. But no matter what happens, the reveal needs to happen under controlled conditions. There are many ways to develop an agreement where you are allowed to be yourself under certain conditions. But understanding by her and some degree of acceptance is needed first.

Keep in mind secretive behavior is seen as being untrustworthy by your mate and that expands into many other areas of your relationship. Without a controlled release she will not trust you again for years, if ever, unless she is one of those special women where love seeks resolution and acceptance. Based on past behavior she does not seem to be one of those. Action time is now before the worst possible thing happens.

[MaryAnn1963]

Sounds to me like you are covering yourself in gas and playing with fire...please be careful and watch you step.

[Sandi Beech]

Gretchen. I can understand what you are saying but not so sure it would work for me. 3 years or so ago when I got busted with the pantyhose, we went to a female therapist and I kind of liked her. She gave my wife a homework assignment of reading up on crossdressing. She may have even come to this web site. I do not recall , but I had looked at her web cache to see what all she read at the time. She declared that everyone with this problem, as she put it, ends up divorced. She declared she was never going back to the therapist , and all discussion stopped at that point. I was upset and went on a shopping binge for women?s clothing and that is how I ended up where I am today. Deeply closeted with the wife. Anyhow I have totally given up on any level of acceptance with her history of reactions to dressing.

FYI, I toned it down today. I am going to put my stuff back in the attic for a while. Hopefully. I do think you are pretty accurate with the description of the highs I am getting from it. It is never enough so I keep escalating it to try to attain the same level of the fix

Sandi

[monalisa]

If the wife catches you she might glue the forms on so you can't take them off.

[Aunt Kelly]

Thanks Helen and Crissy. I was thinking about it a lot as I was going to sleep last night and came to the realization that I am not trying to get caught, I just do not want to have to take them off because I am enjoying them so much. That is why I have been pushing the limit to wear them as much as possible. One thing I have never mentioned is that I have fairly large breasts naturally, and I got where I like how they look when suntanning. So around 2018 I went to a female plastic surgeon to talk about breast augmentation. The cost was going to be $6000 and I actually went as far as setting a date but chickened out realizing that showing up at home with implants would cause an instant divorce. That was the last time the pink fog sent me out in left field. Fortunately I came around. For the most part I am a pretty normal person, but this stuff just makes me crazy sometimes.

Sandi

To me, this sounds like it may be a bit more than "pink fog". Have you given any thought to seriously pursing counseling to sort things out?

[alwayshave]

Sandi, You should really get a hold of yourself with regard to this. It sounds like you want to have a confrontation with your wife where you perceive her as the bad guy.

[Sandi Beech]

Jamie , yes I do need to get a hold of myself, but I am not making my wife out to be bad. She just happens to be the type who can not handle it at all.

Sandi

[JenniferMBlack]

Sorry also not the one to talk sense. I started wearing my all the time too even to work. But then I figure what do I have to lose. A job I can replace tomarrow?

[CandaceNichole]

Sandi, dear, please be careful. The wife sounds like she's got a violent streak. Weigh the consequences and stop thinking with your bra!

[Krisi]

I was going to ask if your wife knows and accepts your dressing, but this was answered so here goes:

You will get caught. Unless you have a way to get out of the house and out of the neighborhood, someone will see you and mention it to your wife. And unless your wife is out of town, there's a good chance she will see you herself.

You talk about wearing breast forms in public. Are you otherwise presenting as a woman? Wig, hip and butt pads, women's clothes and shoes? Purse? A guy walking around town with boobs will draw a lot of attention.

My wife knows about my dressing and I am often dressed around here, yet she would be appalled if I walked out the door dressed. To go "out", I underdress and then finish dressing in the car somewhere out of sight. I change back before coming home. And I' as "female" as I can get when I'm out. Never a guy with boobs.

[Ressie]

I'm thinking you're not just getting an adrenaline rush and that sex hormones are also involved. Also, I'd like to know more about how you're attaching the forms as I just insert mine in bra cups. On second thought, I think I would also get addicted to having them attached. How big are your forms?

[Veronica4me]

Trust me. Getting caught can ruin a marriage. The buzz of adrenaline lasts a short while, but divorce is permanent. Don't make the same mistake I did.

[GretchenM]

Hmm. So the therapist approach didn't work. I am sorry to say this, but I think your wife is perhaps a bit dominating and controlling, or at least tries to be that way. There is a difference between accepting, tolerating, compromising, and outright hostility. Her concept of gender is very traditional. My wife is a lot like yours and the coming out was 7 years ago. It was touch and go for a long time, but now we have reached a compromise position that is far from free but is workable. Keep in mind that a therapist cannot tell you what to do; they can only help you discover what to do and understand the process you must go through to reach some kind of resolution. They guide, but you are the one who solves the problem.

That means, as others have emphasized, that it is all the more important that the reveal to her is needed in some form or other. She did let you wear the pantyhose, at least for awhile until something set her off. Think about what set her off so she would cut up your pantyhose and make you clean it up. I see deep anger produced by possibly a deep hurt that anything along the lines of showing a weird dressing pattern sets her off. Not trying to put the blame on her, but it is a problem that perhaps has roots in some fault in the dynamics you two have. She has expectations for you and she seems to be determined to make you meet those expectations. Perhaps you can work out something where only you go to a therapist - one with marital difficulty experience. Perhaps they can find out where the conflict is and help you find a solution. Her behavior seems to me to be irrational, but it could be any number of other unrelated things that trigger her response. To her it is rational because she connects the issues; but it looks irrational to you perhaps because you don't understand or know about the back story that is driving her and making what seems irrational perfectly sensible.

Storing away your clothes and what not and abstaining will work for awhile, but in the end your needs and desires will return and perhaps in a furious fashion. Deprivation will tone things down, but misery will be common along the way until you can't stand it anymore UNLESS the need to dress is not attached to a definable gender identity that is inherent. That happens, but it is not common. In most theories, the trigger to do opposite gender expression comes from a brain that is configured in that way. Not a female brain, but the existence of some factor that has created the brain to function in that way.

In gender mosaic theory we are all a blend of male, female, and intermediate neurological structures and corresponding behaviors. But each person is a unique blend and if cross gender behaviors are inherent or ingrained by repetition then a need will exist. The need can be managed but it cannot be eliminated. Abstinence will reduce the immediate "addiction" but it will do nothing for the long term and more deeply seated need. Coming out helps that, but it has to be gentle and considerate of those that the act of coming out affects. A rock and a hard place. Coming out in some way is needed. A personal therapist might be able to help you find a path to do that without an explosion that does too much damage. The fuse is lit and it is a matter of time before it reaches the box of dynamite, which is what so many of us have essentially said. How to put out the fuse is the problem.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for replying everyone and especially Gretchen for the long post. Incidentally, I did not mean to imply I had permission for the pantyhose if I did. To be clear, I have no permission for anything at all which is feminine in nature. It is zero tolerance. I have been caught with hose and underwear - that is mostly it. I have never been caught with the full blown stash I have in the attic or being fully dressed. That would land me in major hot water.

I put my things back in the attic for now, and I will probably buy myself something for one of my other "hobbies" which will distract me for a while. I have done that before and it does help me to focus on something else for a bit. I have been thinking about all the reasons I dress, and for me it is really complicated and has components of almost all the reasons I have read from others ;however, a major component for me is the escape aspect. I won't go into all those reasons I like to escape but there is no way to do anything about those issues which make be worry the most. Although the escape aspect definately is a huge factor for me, during the last 3 years of going out dressed I found new reasons - something which I never expected. One huge factor is the acceptance. It just blows my mind that so many women have come to me to dance, drink, or otherwise just hang out and have stimulating conversations. 40 years ago when I was single and wanted to meet people, I hated going to bars. My success rate was low for a number of reasons, lack of confidence and more or less boyist looks for someone in their twenties. I think I have some residual mental baggage regarding that.

Things are different today, and the attention I have gotten from women is intoxicating. just like Sherry (Doc) mentioned in another post a while back. Of course I do not try to do anything other than hang out and have fun with them. Ongoing relationships of any kind would not be possible, but it has had a huge affect on me. It definately plays a factor into why I do what I do. Maybe someone else can relate. Sometimes I feel like I am different.

For Ressie. I have Breastformstore Platinum Seal size 8 so for my 38 in frame they are about a DD or slightly larger. I also have 2 other forms but I like these the best. They are kind of heavy and some of my bras will let them slide down a bit unless I use a little adhesive. I do not like the doublesided tapes they came with. They are way to hard to remove, and when you do remove them as recommended with baby oil, you can not get the new ones to stick again easily. So I typically use a little hollisters or skin tac in addition to a bra. I have just been experimenting with using tape and ace wrap over the shoulder to see what I could do. It is pretty amazing and comfortable, but will only work with clothes that do not have wide open necks or open backs where you could see the straps.

Sandi

[Ressie]

Sandi, some of my friends also dress in public for the attention it seems. They also tell stories of women dancing with them etc. I don't go out dressed very much at all myself while others I know go out every weekend. But I also enjoy getting good comments regarding my fem persona.

Anyway, you have a lot to deal with and I hope your wife doesn't start nosing around in the attic.