An inflection point

[Angela Marie]

Since I started dressing again after my last purge I have noticed a significant change. People speak of the pink fog, and I have experienced that. However, over the past year or so my female persona has become much stronger. It's no longer about just dressing. It is hard to articulate but I feel an even stronger connection to my female side. Almost imperceptibly it has grown stronger and stronger to the point that it now appears to be my dominant side. Transition is out of the question; but I will be going to a gender counselor for some answers. Has anyone been through such an evolution?

[Suranne]

Angela, yes, this can happen. I started with dressing and it was an occasional thing, and you're correct that the, as you say, persona changed, the female became more dominant. To me, this showed me to be more on the trans side of things, rather than on solely on the dressing side. Like you though, transition is not something that is for me. But, I am out full time and happy to identify and (this is the big one) be indentified by the world at large as being trans. For me there isn't an either or, there is a complete specturm that covers the ground from one side to the other. I realise that this isn't for everyone, but it is certainly the case for many of us. I think that was has happened in my case is that the dressing has changed from being something that I do, to being something that I am, being more linked to my identity of myself. And it was that change that pushed me out into the world at large.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Angela. Yes I kind of have the same sort of feelings at the moment in a way. It IS difficult to articulate because for me it feel like it comes from a level much different than where my conscience thoughts live. Some things I do now I would have not even thought about before - like caring for my nails and trying to grow them out. I am a lot more comfortable doing such things now. At some point I will probably go to far and get in trouble with my wife. That is the main worry about it for me.

Sandi

[Teresa]

Angela,
I hope your gender counsellor is as helpful as mine was , it can do no harm to talk it through , denying yourself the truth isn't worth it .

[GretchenM]

I went through that in 2012 and 2013. It was challenging time for sure, but the feminine grew very strong. But that was often mixed with a blending of both masculine and feminine in innumerable ways and forms. Things would change in so many ways. Sometimes the feminine would disappear and then come roaring back to dominate only to change again.

About two years ago everything seemed to settle down into a highly blended structure. Before there was a kind of competition for dominance going on; sort of like a cold war between the two identities. It all shifted to a collaboration over a very short period of time. The two worked together as a unitary identity. I think the path that our identities follow are highly individualized and where it ends up differs from person to person. Of course "ends up" is not a real ending. It continues to change and modify itself. As Sandi says it all seems to come from somewhere much deeper that our consciousness. In fact, the experts tell us that is exactly where it comes from. Your consciousness is a tiny part of the brain and we are not aware of all the things that go on in the background. Our consciousness only gets the final memo that comes as a result of all that which is going on in the subconscious to work things out. So, changes that happen over a short period of time and seem sudden really are not all that sudden. They are evolutionary and sometimes revolutionary. So, it is best to stay flexible because you never know when something will leap from the darkness of the subconscious and change the equation in some way. On the other hand, enjoy whatever state you are in when you are in it. It is a part of the process that defines who you are. Forget about ultimate goals because even those are not ultimate. In my opinion, you are pretty normal for the kind of person who has a rather strong female-like neurology. It defines you. But as for purging, really try to refrain from that. It throws everything into a tizzy with various consequences. Do store away, but don't purge.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Angela,

I could not have put it any better than Suranne did. The only difference for me is that I'm not nearly as out to the extent that she is. My signature kind of explains things for me.

Elizabeth

[Star01]

Your post resonates with me as well. My dressing has to be stealth but grooming changes and body image issues are a daily thing now. I am three sessions into therapy with a therapist who includes gender as one of his areas of expertise.

Some of the things I read about such as wearing breast forms to bed do not appeal to me. On the other hand the thought of actually having breasts is very appealing. I could go on but that is how I have been feeling. I haven't had a chance to dress fully since mid December and it's very difficult to do any kind of shopping. I don't feel like transitioning would be a good choice due to location, family dynamics and cost but part of me longs to do that. It's kind of like being in limbo and never feeling quite right about myself.

You are not alone.

[kimdl93]

I certainly experienced a change, a growing desire to outwardly express myself as female, but I never felt there were competing personas. The concern I had then and now relates to that fog you mention. The fog may be another way of describing obsessive-compulsive behavior. Others have ascribed that to the association of female presentation with the pleasant feelings evoked by the release of dopamines to the brain...a positive feedback loop. So, is it a revelation of ones inner self or positive reinforcement?

[docrobbysherry]

What happens when u change and your fem side starts to dominate? I'm clueless on how that feels.

Angela? Anyone?:brolleyes:

[Jenny22]

Sherry, it feels wonderful!! You'll know if and when it happens to you. The causes are unique to individuals, not the same for all.

[Angela Marie]

What change are you talking about. Transition, or just the emotional and spiritual change I am going through?

[Micki_Finn]

Is it really your ?female side taking over?, or is it just personality traits that you suppressed as a ?guy? that you?re finally allowing yourself to experience?

What exactly is different about your ?femme side??

[Angela Marie]

Good Point. I think it is the second. As for what is different that is just a hard feeling to define; sort of like "you'll know it when you feel it"

[Maid_Marion]

Like many GGs I am more confident and outgoing when I have a more female presentation, such as going to work with pink nail polish and heels. I able better able to speak up and be heard.

Marion

[Angela Marie]

Thanks to all who offered such intelligent, well reasoned comments. As I move further along I may have to be more open with respect to my feelings, at least to those I love. Very difficult decision.