PMS... in tears

[Kaylee Ann]

Good morning, sisters.
I can't find words for how good it is to have friends, friends that I can really talk to about the -real- me.
My wife and I have talked that, because of my being a woman all the way inside, that I legitimately -do- have a monthly cycle.
I get gripey, fussy, and just fall apart over everything.
Well, it's that time... humor me.
Today, I am angry... well, that's a strong word.
I'm... sad.
The genetic ladies that choose to be police officers?
I'm proud for them, and they do a service well. I've had occasion to see just how professionally they can handle situations.
(errr, as a witness, not as a criminal LoL)
But... it's just not fair.
There was a time when a woman being a cop... or, even working, for that matter... was just not acceptable.
And, the business women? Pants... collared shirts... decades ago, this would not have been allowed.
Don't misunderstand me, the genetic women fought long and hard, and -deserve- to do and be what they need... but, I'm so jealous.
Has anyone seen that new show called "Miracle Workers"?
Now, understand, I am -not- trivializing, in any way... but, I wish society would realize that -we- have as much need to be helped and accepted as those with conditions that are easily seen.
On this episode, they helped a woman with Parkinson's... I was moved to tears, seeing how she shook and moved uncomfortably. The tears worsened, tears of joy, seeing how they fixed her right up... she could talk and walk from room to room so easily.
With a condition such as Parkinson's, people believe it, because they -see- it.
But, tell someone you're a woman inside, no one can look past your hairy arms and strong shoulders.
You often get people who -accept- it... but, this acceptance is often divulged in a patronizing way.
My mom said, a few weeks ago, "You must be so stressed... one child to raise is hard enough, and now you all have the next one coming. You're stressed out."
Oh, that's true... I am stressed, I'm nervous... but, that is -not- the cause of my condition.
It's so unfair, that I can't just look as I want to look, in public.
And, you know what? I'm not asking -too- much.
My personal taste... heck, plenty of genetic girls dress in jeans and t-shirts, or sweaters... I call it "Unisex".
I'm fine with that... I just want my face and hair to be pretty.
Oh, sure, if I were a celebrity, it'd be 'acceptable'.
I feel SO robbed!!
See, I do not make a very nice looking 'man'.
I'm a stay-at-home father, and run a studio from home, as well... our son, who just turned 3, will not stay in bed at night, and he has certain conditions which make him dangerous to himself. I'm awake until about 3 every night, until I'm convinced he's been asleep long enough to -really- be out for the night.
I wake back up at 6... iron my wife's clothes (those pants and collars just make this harder for me, that I can't do -my- thing)
She leaves about 7:30... some mornings, our son sleeps until 8:30, some mornings, he's awake by 7:00.
He goes to a pre-school from 11:45 to 3:45.
He's a handful, and I love him dearly... with all of my heart, but I just stay -so- tired, so worn down. If he'd just stay in bed at night.
So, every day, from about 12 to 3:00, I finally have a chance to be me.
I start doing my hair and makeup, and begin to feel so beautiful... but, guess what? By 3, I better take it all off, lest the bus driver dropping my son off will see me.
I digressed... I'm not a very nice looking 'man'.
The lack of sleep, and being tired? Let me use mascara and eye shadow, and you'd never know how tired I am.
Allow me my foundation and bronzer, and I gain some color that life is stripping from me.
But, no, I have to live up to this 'man' that my body betrays me with.
Right now, I'm stuck with a ballcap.
The 'Britney Spears' wig seen in the photos? It's getting cut next Tuesday.
I guess, since I love Elvis, we're going for kind of a 70's shag, with long bang framers... and, as much length to my shoulders as I can have without obtaining a mullet.
Like I said, country singer Keith Urban's hairstyle gives me -some- 'permission'.
I'm also, in 'guy' mode, allowed the foundation... it's undetectable.
My eyes are a 50/50 chance... dark and detectable, or dark and un-detectable.
A combination of brushing mascara clumps off with a dry eye-brow brush, and careful smearing of my black eyeliner let me pull of 'Elvis eyes'.
But, that's it.
This ballcap, though, until Tuesday? I swear, it makes my face look 10 pounds heavier than it really is.
I can't even look forward to the haircut next Tuesday, because I have to figure out what helps me retain some of this feminine feeling, yet pleases my wife.
She's a professional, and her career is such that, everywhere we go, we see -someone- that she knows.
Yesterday, when things were said on here about my lips, my eyebrows, and a slight potential to look like Britney Spears... I haven't felt that good about myself since I was around 7 years old.
I was a beautiful child... my hair was naturally bleached blonde, big blue eyes, a pretty little smile.
I can't count the times that, if mom hadn't dressed me carefully, we got told 'what a beautiful little girl' I was.
But, the age of 13... my physical side took over. My physique 'beefed up', and the facial hair started.
Today? Without makeup and the right hair? I look like the ball-capped, beer drinkin', hot dog eatin' guy at the football game.
Nothing wrong with that, if you're really a guy thru and thru... but, I'm -not-.
I am sitting here crying, as I type this, I swear.
I'm just gonna have to master this androgynous look, and maybe it's not -entirely- what I want... but, at least it keeps me from looking like the football gamin', hot dog belchin' person that I'm -not-.
And, this diet! I'm not giving up... I've lost a lot, quickly, with about 20 more to go. But, right now is hard... I'm one of those people who tends to eat from loneliness, and it's a tough habit to break. Daytime is fine, with my diet pill, but at night, when you aren't supposed to take it, I am miserable.
My nightly bike ride is grueling, too.
I've rambled enough, and I hope I haven't brought anyone else down... it's just, if this all hadn't come out, I'd have gone crazy.
And, I know that everyone here understands.
Thanks so much for listening.

Kaylee Anna

[Kathycd]

Hi Kaylee:

Hang in there girl!! The mood swings come and go. Mine go from ok, to super happy to the moody blues, and it is the latter when the support from everyone here is a total blessing.

I really like this venue and the people in it.

kathy

[Gail Stauffer]

I can understand, hang in there, and cheer up!! we are all here for you Kaylee Anna, feel free to talk in here, you'll get plenty of support!!

[Kaylee Ann]

Thanks -so- much for the support... that looks like a small, simply worded statement, but I mean it with all of my heart.

Kaylee Anna

[Julie Avery]

My mom said, a few weeks ago, "You must be so stressed... one child to raise is hard enough, and now you all have the next one coming. You're stressed out."
Oh, that's true... I am stressed, I'm nervous... but, that is -not- the cause of my condition.
It's so unfair, that I can't just look as I want to look, in public.
And, you know what? I'm not asking -too- much.
My personal taste... heck, plenty of genetic girls dress in jeans and t-shirts, or sweaters... I call it "Unisex".

Kaylee, it sounds like you have more than your share of really trying situations going on there, I hope you hang in there and come quickly to a nicer stretch of road!

You got me thinking on the stress and crossdressing thing....I wonder if there might not be some truth to the idea that the more stress a crossdresser is under, the more they feel the urge to dress?

Be well!

[Kaylee Ann]

You know what? I shoulda taken the time to say more about that earlier. I was talking to my wife just last night about this.
See, it's complicated... there definitely -is- some truth that stress plays a part in this.
Here's the balance, for me, anyway...
I told my wife last night, as I was explaining that I didn't want her weirded out and stuff... that "Kaylee" has -always- been here. The thing is, she was kept at bay, reasonably.
Our son turning 3 in February was a turning point... his pre-school had just started, to help with the slight learning and behavior problems he's experiencing. The not staying in bed got even worse.
We find out we're having -another- baby.
I was changing a diaper one morning about a month ago, and I said to myself, "After he gets on that bus today... I'm putting on my hair and a ton of makeup, because I -can-. The Dad and househusband needs a break, and I'm tired of locking the real me up, 24/7."
The exploring of Kaylee, and my wife's encouragement (as long as I'm not -too- extreme in public) has made for a much better person... the real person within.
Still gripey, still whiny... but, no finally getting so mad that I yell.
As usual, I digressed.
LoL
Here's my take...
stress can make the -need- to engage in this impossible to deny. But, it doesn't -put- the need there.
Just my observation, though.

Thanks for responding!

Kaylee Anna

[Julie Avery]

Here's my take...
stress can make the -need- to engage in this impossible to deny. But, it doesn't -put- the need there.


That sounds exactly right to me.

[sharifemme]

Kaylee Anna...

You are beautiful, smart and a good friend! Please do not think bad of yourself. We all have to do what we can do to remain sane or maybe try to attain sanity. I know it's tough balancing transgenderism, family, friends, work, and society.

I'd love to be able to fill a reasonable bra size naturally, wear my makeup and a dress all day and get a really feminine hairstyle but have to settle for less than I dream of. I think to some degree we all have to settle to some degree. Even post-transition transexuals have to settle for what they can do.

Please join me in being the women we are inside all the time and expressing it on the outside as best as we are able, when we are able.

Your friend,
Sharifemme




Good morning, sisters.
I can't find words for how good it is to have friends, friends that I can really talk to about the -real- me.
My wife and I have talked that, because of my being a woman all the way inside, that I legitimately -do- have a monthly cycle.
I get gripey, fussy, and just fall apart over everything.
Well, it's that time... humor me.
Today, I am angry... well, that's a strong word.
I'm... sad.
The genetic ladies that choose to be police officers?
I'm proud for them, and they do a service well. I've had occasion to see just how professionally they can handle situations.
(errr, as a witness, not as a criminal LoL)
But... it's just not fair.
There was a time when a woman being a cop... or, even working, for that matter... was just not acceptable.
And, the business women? Pants... collared shirts... decades ago, this would not have been allowed.
Don't misunderstand me, the genetic women fought long and hard, and -deserve- to do and be what they need... but, I'm so jealous.
Has anyone seen that new show called "Miracle Workers"?
Now, understand, I am -not- trivializing, in any way... but, I wish society would realize that -we- have as much need to be helped and accepted as those with conditions that are easily seen.
On this episode, they helped a woman with Parkinson's... I was moved to tears, seeing how she shook and moved uncomfortably. The tears worsened, tears of joy, seeing how they fixed her right up... she could talk and walk from room to room so easily.
With a condition such as Parkinson's, people believe it, because they -see- it.
But, tell someone you're a woman inside, no one can look past your hairy arms and strong shoulders.
You often get people who -accept- it... but, this acceptance is often divulged in a patronizing way.
My mom said, a few weeks ago, "You must be so stressed... one child to raise is hard enough, and now you all have the next one coming. You're stressed out."
Oh, that's true... I am stressed, I'm nervous... but, that is -not- the cause of my condition.
It's so unfair, that I can't just look as I want to look, in public.
And, you know what? I'm not asking -too- much.
My personal taste... heck, plenty of genetic girls dress in jeans and t-shirts, or sweaters... I call it "Unisex".
I'm fine with that... I just want my face and hair to be pretty.
Oh, sure, if I were a celebrity, it'd be 'acceptable'.
I feel SO robbed!!
See, I do not make a very nice looking 'man'.
I'm a stay-at-home father, and run a studio from home, as well... our son, who just turned 3, will not stay in bed at night, and he has certain conditions which make him dangerous to himself. I'm awake until about 3 every night, until I'm convinced he's been asleep long enough to -really- be out for the night.
I wake back up at 6... iron my wife's clothes (those pants and collars just make this harder for me, that I can't do -my- thing)
She leaves about 7:30... some mornings, our son sleeps until 8:30, some mornings, he's awake by 7:00.
He goes to a pre-school from 11:45 to 3:45.
He's a handful, and I love him dearly... with all of my heart, but I just stay -so- tired, so worn down. If he'd just stay in bed at night.
So, every day, from about 12 to 3:00, I finally have a chance to be me.
I start doing my hair and makeup, and begin to feel so beautiful... but, guess what? By 3, I better take it all off, lest the bus driver dropping my son off will see me.
I digressed... I'm not a very nice looking 'man'.
The lack of sleep, and being tired? Let me use mascara and eye shadow, and you'd never know how tired I am.
Allow me my foundation and bronzer, and I gain some color that life is stripping from me.
But, no, I have to live up to this 'man' that my body betrays me with.
Right now, I'm stuck with a ballcap.
The 'Britney Spears' wig seen in the photos? It's getting cut next Tuesday.
I guess, since I love Elvis, we're going for kind of a 70's shag, with long bang framers... and, as much length to my shoulders as I can have without obtaining a mullet.
Like I said, country singer Keith Urban's hairstyle gives me -some- 'permission'.
I'm also, in 'guy' mode, allowed the foundation... it's undetectable.
My eyes are a 50/50 chance... dark and detectable, or dark and un-detectable.
A combination of brushing mascara clumps off with a dry eye-brow brush, and careful smearing of my black eyeliner let me pull of 'Elvis eyes'.
But, that's it.
This ballcap, though, until Tuesday? I swear, it makes my face look 10 pounds heavier than it really is.
I can't even look forward to the haircut next Tuesday, because I have to figure out what helps me retain some of this feminine feeling, yet pleases my wife.
She's a professional, and her career is such that, everywhere we go, we see -someone- that she knows.
Yesterday, when things were said on here about my lips, my eyebrows, and a slight potential to look like Britney Spears... I haven't felt that good about myself since I was around 7 years old.
I was a beautiful child... my hair was naturally bleached blonde, big blue eyes, a pretty little smile.
I can't count the times that, if mom hadn't dressed me carefully, we got told 'what a beautiful little girl' I was.
But, the age of 13... my physical side took over. My physique 'beefed up', and the facial hair started.
Today? Without makeup and the right hair? I look like the ball-capped, beer drinkin', hot dog eatin' guy at the football game.
Nothing wrong with that, if you're really a guy thru and thru... but, I'm -not-.
I am sitting here crying, as I type this, I swear.
I'm just gonna have to master this androgynous look, and maybe it's not -entirely- what I want... but, at least it keeps me from looking like the football gamin', hot dog belchin' person that I'm -not-.
And, this diet! I'm not giving up... I've lost a lot, quickly, with about 20 more to go. But, right now is hard... I'm one of those people who tends to eat from loneliness, and it's a tough habit to break. Daytime is fine, with my diet pill, but at night, when you aren't supposed to take it, I am miserable.
My nightly bike ride is grueling, too.
I've rambled enough, and I hope I haven't brought anyone else down... it's just, if this all hadn't come out, I'd have gone crazy.
And, I know that everyone here understands.
Thanks so much for listening.

Kaylee Anna

[Lilith Moon]

Hiya Kaylee,

Just dropped by and I can see that you are getting some great advice from the wonderful people in here. There will be better times ahead. Betcha.

[Kaylee Ann]

Thanks so much, everyone! I'm actually feeling a bit better since this morning... I don't understand how, but 3 pounds came off since last night. I'm working hard, so...
Shari?? I have e-mailed ya twice in the past 4 days, wanting to check on ya, so this tells me that you -are- okay and well. My e-mail has been being dumb, so I didn't really think you'd disappeared.
Lilith, thanks... the good times always come back at least, after the bad, huh?

Kaylee

[ChristineRenee]

Just a quick post here to say hang in there Kaylee. I think most of us here can identify with what you are going through. So try to enjoy and savor those times when you CAN be Kaylee and you will appreciate them just that much more.;)