Busted this morning : (

[Sandi Beech]

Good grief i can do the.dumbest of things sometimes when it comes to dressing. I have not been busted with any female clothing since around New Year?s Eve 2017. Anyhow being cooped up, I just had to keep pushing things to the edge and got busted this morning wearing pantyhose and very short white women?s shorts. Also had on breast forms and clinging grey shirt. She normally does not wake up until after 9 but I forgot she was going shopping early. There will be hell to pay for sure. She probably will not say a word to me for at least a week. Maybe longer this time. I don?t know. Maybe I wanted to get caught in a subliminal way to shut it down for a while. It is so frustrating for me as it feels like an addiction and it controls me more so than the other way around. Then after getting caught I go into a depressed state for a while. Sometimes purging things.

I am not looking for any sympathy really, as this was my own stupidity. Try not to follow in my footsteps if you have a zero tolerance wife like I have.

I feel like crying though for what I have done today.

: (

Sandi

[Krisi]

I'm assuming "she" is your wife?

If you're living with someone in the same house and prancing around in women's clothes while that person is in the same house, there's little chance that you won't get caught at some point. Probably sooner, not later.

Your wife knows that you like to wear women's clothes so it's time to sit down with her and talk about it. Come up with some sort of agreement and then stick to it.

[Tracii G]

So you aren't allowed to be happy and content or have a hobby?
I'll bet your wife does whatever she wants to do so why can't you?

[MiniRock]

I tried that Tracii. And I haven't seen my children since 2008 as a result.

[Vicky_Scot]

Sorry to hear that Mini X

[Jacke]

Sandi - so sorry to hear about this. Strange how something can seem so reasonable to one partner yet be so unreasonable to another. Perhaps some day she will be a bit more compassionate and allow you to express yourself. I remember what keeping it in can do to you. I do not think you wanted to get caught, but as you said, you were pushing things. This lockdown has us all living on the edge. You are not alone.

[Meg West]

First: Don't purge!

[Sandi Beech]

Ouch it is going to be bad this time. She just got home from the grocery store and the only thing she said is ?get out of my way?. She looks really mad. After 35 years of marriage I understand her quite well. There is no discussion regarding dressing. I could try to force the situation and just do it anyhow, but I know it would land me in a divorce. I really do not want that either. So I just try to find some sort of balance and I just fell off and hit my head so to speak.

I know some people have a hard time understanding why some of us tolerate getting beat up over it, but I connect well with her on other levels, and we have our kids who are grown now. Plus I do like her companionship - at least when she is not mad. It would be nice to have a tolerant spouse like some people have. I can only imagine.

Sandi

[Vicky_Scot]

Sorry Sandi but if I was in your position I would have been gone long ago.

You are only here once and to have lived 35 years living in a relationship where you are
not allowed to do something you enjoy and basically being treated the way she treat you
is not a relationship, its a dictatorship. X

[Jackiefl]

Sounds like your wife gets to wear the pants, you should be able to wear the �� dresses.

[Stephanie47]

I looked at your pictorial posting of your recent trips. You looked nice. Did your wife know of your exploits? Or was it well hidden? If you have been married for 35 years you probably know the tolerance level of your wife for your cross dressing. She may have seen your presentation as an affront to her non-acceptance. A sort of push it in her face attitude. I truly understand "why some of us tolerate being beat up over it." I will not disagree there may have been some element of wanting to get caught to start a conversation or at least clear the air. For those not in a hostile situation you may not understand sometimes a "conversation" may be welcomed in order to break the isolation. My wife and I have an understanding. She has no interest in my cross dressing. Her reaction way back in 1983 was she was not interested, but, if I wanted to join a support group, it was alright with her. Except for the fact she recently had a total knee replacement, because she does not drive, she takes public transportation. If she is out for the day she is in the habit of calling to let me know she is on the way home and is taking a particular bus. I think she does that to let me know, if I am engage in cross dressing activity, that I'll know when her key will hit the front door. She may think I use those opportunities to be en femme to some extent, but, with rare exception I am just doing other things. Most of the time I end up driving to the bus stop to pick her up. I read many times on this forum instances of almost needling a non-accepting wife by doing body modifications; shaving body hair, painting toenails, etc. I think that may be perceived by a wife to be a subtle way to violate DADT. If I were to ask your wife what goes through her mind in these situations I may get the response that she is walking around on egg shells. Can she freely move around the house without the prospect of encountering you somewhat en femme? In some respects a non-accepting spouse also becomes a prisoner of the husband's secret.

Personally, I do not think I could endure the hostility. Being given the cold shoulder is hostility. When I was growing up, whenever my brother and I ran afoul of our mother, she went into the silent treatment for days on end. One reason I ended up hating her.

[Meeshell]

Sandi,
I'm so sad for you. I know very well how you feel. Oddly enough, my wife was somewhat accepting until I had "the talk" with her. Now things are much worse. I think she is a little more passive aggressive about it than your wife maybe, but the pain is so real, and the depression and urge to purge are so familiar. I, too, have a wonderful relationship, otherwise, with my wife and family that would be devastating to lose, so I live on hope that someday I can find balance between the desires and repercussions. I think we've made some progress, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.

I so wish I had someone to give me a hug at times like your going through. I wish I could be there to give a hug and maybe help you feel like your not so alone.

Big Hugs
Meeshell

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks all. It seems many of you have a really good understanding of my situation.

For Stephanie. To answer your question. No she has never caught me in full attire with wig and makeup. It takes me 1 to 2 hours to fully dress up so I only do that when I am out of town for work. If she knew about how far I have gone with it, it would be a much worse situation. So I better keep my mouth shut. Sadly, now she is aware that I have gone back to dressing and may be suspicious about what I do when traveling. Not cool.

Sandi

[Joni T]

Sandi,
I'm glad you're not looking for sympathy--it saves me from having to tell you where it's found in the dictionary.
Jon

[JennyMay]

I just wonder if you need to bring some professional help into this situation. Your marriage is important and you need to protect it. As anyone on this site will tell you (and you know yourself) your need to cross-dress will not go away. Are you able to talk to a trained counsellor together to help you find a way forward? I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but be certain that the person you talk to together is a professionally trained and accredited and is themselves supervised.

You are not stupid, you are trying to survive and you will. Life can be better.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi JennyMay

I had tried the counseling route the last time I was busted back in 2017. The counselor was nice. I liked her. She gave my wife a homework assignment to research crossdressing on the Internet before our next session. I wanted to laugh at the time but did not. She looked it up alright and said - everyone with this problem gets divorced so I am done and not going back. That ended therapy but not dressing. I went underground and in a big way. She would have been better off with my limited dressing. So therapy may work well for some, but it blew up in my face. My wife is completely locked in on zero tolerance, so I may as well accept it. I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

Sandi, I hate to say this but you were bound to get caught again eventually. Maybe let the dust settle and try to get her to talk. You are not going to stop so you need to reach some sort of agreement other then a divorce

[GaleWarning]

Lockdown is a stressful situation.
Perhaps you can explain to your wife that you were wearing 'women's clothes' because you needed to relax and calm down.
Talk to her.
Set boundaries.

Good luck.

[Tracii G]

I am sorry you have to go thru all this and I do know what its like to have an abusive spouse.
I have had two actually and I never got my way with anything and I took all I could take.
No sense in playing the martyr and being unhappy because you don't deserve it.
The last relationship I was in with a female I just got fed up with being told what to do so I decided to end it.
We were not married so it wasn't hard.

[DianeT]

Why not look up crossdressing on the internet with your wife rather than her alone? When my wife looked up crossdressing she quickly landed on fetish and sissification pages and this wasn't my type of crossdressing. I had to steer her back to sites like the present one. Even here, she's read about so many different types of crossdressing that she got confused about the very meaning of it. If your wife tries to educate herself about the matter, you need to guide her. If she ever comes to this site (and this prospect alone should tell us to be careful about the comments here because she may be reading them some day), she will realize that not every marriage with a CD ends in a divorce.

[Sandi Beech]

Traci , I hear what you are saying. I almost would not mind separating, but she does need me. She has serious health problems and I am not one to duck out on my commitment easily.

I sat on jury duty for a divorce case one time and it scared the pants off me. This guy was married to a school teacher and he lost almost everything to her. There were 1 million in assets and all he got was his tools and an old car he was restoring. That affected me a lot, and I do not want to end up like him. Living in the conservative south, they would roast me in a divorce when the evidence came out. Lucky for me she can not figure out how our security cams work.


For Diane

It is a taboo subject with her. Even to suggest that it could be ok would trigger a huge fight. The one thing I did not do this time is say that I am sorry. I am done apologizing. If she wants to come back around, it is all on her. I am just playing neutral on it. I know it does hurt her and for that I am sorry, but I am not sorry for dressing up any more. Still the isolation hurts both of us - it is so unnecessary.

Sandi

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Sandy,

Best wishes for you.

Sincerely,
Brenda

[DianeT]

But what if she doesn't come back around? This seems to be a typical deadlock situation where both parties are deeply hurt and feel that the other should do the first move. Do you know the reasons why she is so upset about it? You talk about health and money issues, but to me the important for your couple is, is there still love between you two? If there is, I can't believe any of you would want the other one miserable. If there is love there must be a way to talk about it, between you two or with the help of a middle person (counselor or other). If you want the knot to untie, I believe you have to come back to her. Why not tell her that you want to know how she feels about the incident, that you would like her to empty her bag and let her know that you won't interrupt her. Without justifying yourself or correcting the facts. Just listening until all the steam is out. See where it takes you. At some point she should return the favor.
Good luck.

[Lux]

Saw your post today and wanted to reach out and say ‘hang in there’.

Not sure how it will turn out but hope you have the strength to ride the storm out. If you want to stay in your relationship, I hope you have that happen.

Having said that, I was dating a girl when I was in my 20’s. She was great; beautiful, smart, funny but...not accepting of LGBT people. So one day she found some pictures of me dressed up and assumed that I was having a relationship with this ‘new’ girl. I took a deep breath and made the decision to tell the truth . She immediately broke up with me. Looking back on it, I realize that I was like an animal with its leg caught in a trap. I truly believe I actually wanted her to find my stuff to “release me” if that makes sense.

Wherever you end up, I hope you’re happy and okay with the decision. Big hug!

[stephenie3756]

I can understand where you are right now. Hang in there. I know about the dark clouds that are over you right now. Been there.

[Micki_Finn]

In a way, it IS functioning divert much like a drug from a brain chemistry point of view. You’re releasing a rush of endorphins whenever you dress, the withdrawal from which will cause, as you’ve seen, depression. Not saying you should stop, but understanding how your brain works might help lead to better decisions.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sandi;

I feel for both you and your wife. While it's easy to get caught up in things, we have to understand that actions have consequences. During the next couple of weeks you might want to prepare a letter and write down your thoughts especially about your feeling for your spouse. Reassurance can go a long way. Right now your spouse if feeling many things. Listen to what she says and remember that her feeling are her feelings and not yours. Remember not to invalidate them. You will have a lot of feelings too, Try not to fall into the False Guilt trap. This will be a test for both of you to see if you can develop some sort of understanding. It sounds as if she may have gotten some bad information from the internet regarding marriages within our community. There are many marriages here that are strong and good. It's a matter of finding balance. One of the most interesting things that I have found over the years is how generation this is. Unfortunately the older a couple is, the more set people are in their ways. Best Wishes

[Natalie5004]

Micki,
You seem very knowledgeable about the brain and many other topics. We should meet for a great discussion about life.

Natalie

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes Sandi hopefully you and your wife find the path through this, that is best for you both.

[Crissy 107]

Listen to what she says and remember that her feeling are her feelings and not yours. Remember not to invalidate them.

This is great advice in general!

[alwayshave]

Sandi, I'm sorry that your wife is not supportive. I hope this all works out of you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Sandi,

Does this ring any bells??

Good grief I do not know what has gotten into me this week. I have been going out in public wearing my breast forms everywhere, except around my wife. It is a huge adrenaline rush but I am going to get busted for sure by my wife or someone close to me. I had been experimenting with new ways to attach my forms so I can go braless with a clingy shirt. I have such a great bounce with my setup that I just can not get enough of it, and I feel like I am about to have a train wreck over it. Somebody talk some sense into me. Ugh.

And this?

High Helen. I did not make it all that clear. I had been experimenting with the forms when my wife was out shopping. Once I got the results I liked, I started wearing them under my clothes in drab mode except a couple of times I wore women?s white shorts and pantyhose, but most of the time just men?s clothes. I was wearing a men?s shirt that is very light material so the shape was quite obvious. Our weather is mild in the daytime so it was just a shirt. I wore them into stores 6 days in a row. Pharmacy, grocery, and even a restaurant today. I thought I had my life in balance though somewhat fragile. I was doing this mostly when my wife was asleep in the morning. She does not sleep well and sets her alarm for 9:30 am. All it would have taken is someone to ring the phone and wake her up to see me walking in the house dressed like that. That is why I said - out of control. Talk about risky behavior. Sometimes I do not understand myself.


This is the post (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?269104-Out-of-control-lately&highlight=)those came from.


To say this was inevitable is stating the blindingly obvious. Folks warned you nothing good was going to come of your actions but it seemed you took no heed and ended up in this awful state of affairs. Anyone who fails to listen and act on the advice of others here, others who may have fallen victim to the same bear traps has no-one to blame but themselves.

I suspect that one of the reasons your SO reacts so badly is, and I have to go on your description here, is you seem to dress that little bit sexy, small and tight, clingy. What your SO sees before her says that her man likes a different type of woman. A femme fatal, a sexy siren, a younger more alluring female.

How you deal with this situation is now firmly down to you. Get it wrong and you know the outcome. Ball's in your court.

[MonicaPVD]

It's apparent that you have let the pink fog get the best of you. It's also apparent that you need to assert yourself for once. At this point, you have very little to lose, as you brought the situation upon yourself, and a lot to gain. Don't wait for her to torture you with silence and dirty looks. Approach her and say, "I understand that you are uncomfortable with my dressing but this is an important part of who I am as a person, the person you married decades ago and the person who has worked hard to be a good husband and provider. I am not going to change at this point in my life. This is who I am. I am not doing anything to publicly embarrass you or risk your reputation. I am simply expressing a part of me, a non-negotiable part."

My sense is that your increased risk taking was a passive way of expediting a confrontation. Well, babe, here you are. Now untuck those ⚽⚽ and assert yourself as the adult that you are. She will probably be shocked into compliance.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for all the replies and support everyone.

Helen - I know you are right to call me out on this. Logic does not play into my actions which is not normal for me - at all.

I think Micki has hit on something that does help explain my behavior. Usually some trigger starts me up with dressing up with something - and I do get some kind of high from it. Afterwards there is a bit of a let down. The only problem is that the next time to reach the same high , I have to have more, and more. Eventually the risk of getting caught becomes so high it is going to happen.

Perhaps it is endorphins and maybe some adrenaline as well. I do know that I am super sensitive to adrenaline. My hands will shake so much during an adrenaline event, I could never be a police officer as I would not be good under some of the stresses they go through. It really does feel like an addiction at times. I thought I had some balance over the last 3 years, but it all came crashing down on me this week.

I should know better, but my logic takes a back seat to a fog event sometimes.

Sandi

[confused_cathreen]

Sandi,

Does this ring any bells?? I was wearing a men?s shirt that is very light material so the shape was quite obvious. Our weather is mild in the daytime so it was just a shirt. I wore them into stores 6 days in a row. Pharmacy, grocery, and even a restaurant today.


I am not doing anything to publicly embarrass you or risk your reputation.


Well that ship has sailed alright....

[GretchenM]

I am so sorry to hear about how it all went sideways so quickly. But as others essentially said, if you do that in front of an intolerant person it is hard to expect another kind of reaction than your wife showed. But I sense more to this than appears on the surface. I sense an issue of broken trust and a lack of empathy for her situation as seen from her point of view.

Often getting caught produces what appear to be irrational reactions that are completely rational when viewed from the point of view of trust and honesty, especially honesty. It is often viewed as being dishonest as to who you really are and hiding a second life of a sort. That often does more damage than the act and getting caught itself.

She has health issues. I don't know how severe or how dependent she is on you, but when you break that connection by acting independently, especially when one adds in the trust and honesty question, she may feel abandoned and having to deal with her health issues all alone which greatly frightens her. So she strikes back.

Are those series of interactions that go negative proper? Not really. You are configured, I suspect, with a lot of strong associations with feminine traits and characteristics that make you feel and identify the way you do. Plus there might be a touch of addiction to the endorphins dressing produces and makes you feel good and supportive of your traits and characteristics. It is a validation. You really can't do a lot about that configuration other than shift it a bit this way or that. Completely overhauling is probably not possible in any reasonable amount of time, if at all.

She is probably embracing the very traditional sex=gender kind of thinking that probably never really existed. So she doesn't understand that gender is one thing and sex is quite another even though there are some tenuous linkages between them.

So, perhaps your situation is a matter of two people with very different views of gender, sex, and gender expression. You have needs; she has needs. But the needs are at odds with each other at a very fundamental level. Compromises are in order, but for now I suggest you just leave it all be and let the anger and adrenaline levels settle down a bit. After there is some stability perhaps talking about compromises would be in order. Those are best made with a third party present to keep things under control and help keep the communication lines open.

It is not hopeless and the damage can be repaired to some extent, but so long as differences exist in the fundamental concepts of gender and no compromise can be reached things are going to be touch and go for a long time because of the broken trust and her view that you are dishonest. The problem in situations like this is the perception defines the reality rather than the facts. That is a tough nut to crack.

[Crissy 107]

I do not think any of us needs to point out to Sandi what she has said or done in the past. The pink fog is a powerful force. Let’s help by giving advice to get past this mess.

Great advice from GretchenM, when she talks, I listen.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Sandi,

I am sorry you have to go through this. I don't understand why people see CDing as a bad thing. There are far worse things you could be doing. My wife says she is accepting and supportive; there are times I have my doubts. I wish you all the best. Hugs!

[Amy Lynn3]

This is a support and advise site for the most part and my comments are from that platform. Sandi, you seem to fear a divorce, because of what would happen in a divorce. May I suggest a consultation with a lawyer. Finding out what your rights are will allow you to make a informed decision if a divorce ever comes into the picture. Knowledge takes stress away and erases fears, like you got from being on jury duty. After you learn about dealing with fear of divorce, I think it would easy your mind and set you free in your own home. That fear hanging over you is like an anvil, you feel is ready to fall and that only adds more stress to your situation. You feel trapped in your marriage, due to the feelings of wanting to help an ailing wife and the commitment you made. Talking to a lawyer will allow you to know what the worst that could happen to you in a divorce.

[Dutchess]

What Gretchen said yes but also you do NOT have to apologize for loving or explaining why or wanting to stay with your wife . Good grief , its not like anyone here is going to care when you are alone . No one here knows what your life is like in real life off the forum with her . There are alot of bitter lonely people , that actually don't like women , that would not have an issue with you being bitter or lonely either . You have been a long way with her to toss it over a serious episode of pink fog . There is more to life than dressing .

Let things settle . She may be silent so she doesnt say anything worse or maybe she just does not know WHAT to say at this point .

And against some others wishes here , issueing an ultimatum is NOT going to work , you will look back on that with regret .

[JennyMay]

So sorry to hear this. It's just so hard for you. I watched a film with my wife when I told her, 'Just like a woman'. which helped make it light. , but I recognise that you are in a different place. I wish I could think of something more helpful to say.

[Sallee]

Sounds like the talk is certainly needed and a third party of YOUR choosing, a couples counseling therapist, preferably with experience in gender counseling. But you guys have to talk and it sounds like she won't. The third party is needed and that party is not your peacher, who might just say pray it away. If that doesn't happen you can live in misery with or without a divorce .
Its your choice

[Sandi Beech]

Gee I am flattered by all the helpful responses. It is nice to be able to talk about it. Sadly, when my wife is upset she clams up and just can not talk - at all. That makes discussion of dressing quite impossible because within a few minutes she is too upset to discuss it.

I am pretty sure she sees me as the problem and basically wants me to just be normal as she put it. I do not blame her and I am not going to fight with her to try and change her mind about it. I just can not promise I will never do it again because I did that years ago, and it just becomes a lie when I fail.

When we did go to a therapist and she was given an assignment to look up crossdressing on the Internet as I had mentioned. I think she was offended because it seems like all of a sudden - she is the problem since I had no assignment. I think that is one reason she did not ever want to go back. There would be no compromise in her mind. I am not pointing blame , just stating how she thinks.

So I should have learned by now not to poke a sleeping tiger - knowing how she feels.

I will try to avoid bumping the thread a bunch. If anyone wants to PM me that is fine and appreciated.

Thanks again all,

Sandi

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sandi

I know you don't want to upset your wife. However you might want to make sure she knows you will always be there for her. I don't know if pointing there could be a lot worse things you could be doing, would help her realise what you do is not so terrible.

[BarbaraVa]

Your post has made me both really sad for your situation and incrediblly grateful for my own.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi all,

I just thought I would post this one last update to let you all know how things turned out. Oddly, she cooled off fairly quickly and we spent the entire afternoon gardening yesterday. She has not said a word about my dressing and clearly does not want to see or talk about it. I can respect that if I am out of the dog house. Obviously I have to lay low for a long while, and my desire to dress has been diminished to a low point for the time being. So I am doing ok.

Thanks everyone.

Sandi

[Kay J]

So glad for you maybe there is really a God that being said maybe when the right time come you can have a talk to her tell her this thing about cding is not going to go away and you would like some alone time sometimes that way you will be happy and she will not have to catch you.:hugs:

[Sometimes Steffi]

So sorry to hear this. It's just so hard for you. I watched a film with my wife when I told her, 'Just like a woman'. which helped make it light. , but I recognise that you are in a different place. I wish I could think of something more helpful to say.


"Just Like a Woman' is one of the few "Just a CD" movies that I've seen.

Another really good one id "A New Girlfriend" (2014)

[suzanne]

I have a working definition of respect that helps a lot. Respect is the acceptance that someone, or something such as a feeling or idea or lifestyle, has validity BEYOND ones current understanding, and the subsequent treatment given to it. Your need/desire to dress has validity and your wife does not respect you, and likely never will. At minimum, I would move into the spare bedroom, but not out of the home. Then get a counselor for yourself; she won't go, at least right now. And consider getting a lawyer. Best of luck.

[kimdl93]

I am probably the worst possible person to offer advice on this situation. After reading all the various suggestions and observations, as well as your replies, it seems that you value the relationship greatly, so for the time being (and given that your interest in dressing has abated somewhat for now) laying low seems like a prudent approach.

[Jacke]

Sandi, it is so nice to hear that you can take a breath and start living life together again. I have no advise other than just be patient and see what openings for conversation arise. It may never happen, but I believe it could. Never say never. Enjoy the day.

[Pumped]

Hi all,

I just thought I would post this one last update to let you all know how things turned out. Oddly, she cooled off fairly quickly and we spent the entire afternoon gardening yesterday. She has not said a word about my dressing and clearly does not want to see or talk about it. I can respect that if I am out of the dog house. Obviously I have to lay low for a long while, and my desire to dress has been diminished to a low point for the time being. So I am doing ok.

Thanks everyone.

Sandi

Too bad you can not talk about it and come to some agreement as to when you can dress. DADT is a tough place to be. It would be nice to talk and have some agreement and acknowledgement as to when you can dress. It is too bad as you will get caught again, with the same outcome.

[mbmeen12]

My wife is completely locked in on zero tolerance, so I may as well accept it. I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole.

Let me just get to the to what I see should happen. Just be yourself and dress dress dress and let the chips fall where they may.