Workplace drama

[MonicaPVD]

I have been working remotely for some time now but this week I had to go to the office every day to access some paper files required for a time sensitive project. Anyway, the office is closed so I have been there alone all day.

Needless to say, after two days of working solo, the pink fog took over and I decided to dress up for the office. On Wednesday, I left home early and changed into a very cool, very professional outfit. Completed the look with some smart makeup and my favorite wig.

I was in heaven all day Wednesday, which helped me be super productive. So yesterday, I also dressed for work and thought nothing of pulling up to the office and walking in, heels clicking on the shiny tile floors. Then it happened.

At about 10:30am, my boss walked in unannounced. I say unannounced because we have been in constant contact via phone and email all week and he had no intention of coming in. Or so I thought. I honestly don't know which of us looked more surprised. He took a look at me, took a deep breath, said hello and continued to his office. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. Just put my head down and got back to work.

A half hour later my boss walked into my office and asked me about the project and I gave him a status report. He then asked me if this was a new look for me. I took a deep breath and said that this was a big part of who I am but I had kept it separate from my job because I wasn't ready to publicly transition just yet. I came to work dressed like now this because I knew that there would be no one here.

My boss thought about it for a moment and said, "Well there isn't anything inappropriate about what you're wearing but if you plan on transitioning when everything here goes back to normal, you should talk with HR first to make that as smooth as possible."

With that he went back to his office. I was floored. I have kept my dressing a secret forever and now I just outed myself to my boss of all people. My productivity went to hell, of course.

So, here I am at work. In a suit and tie. Thinking about what will happen when this place opens up again.

[Samm]

Hi Monica. It sounds like that was the best possible scenario. Even if not by choice, who better to come out to, than the boss? At least he's not the last to find out through rumors and such.
And if you decide to actually come out to your coworkers, at least your boss will already be prepared to support you.
I think you're ahead of the game :)

[Lana Mae]

Sounds great to me! Sounds like a good boss! Sounds like you were lucky this time! LOL That said, I am out to all the staff at work including the boss!! The basic attitude is you have to be you! Hugs Lana Mae

[MaryAnn1963]

OMG, I would have fainted!! You handled that VERY well.:eek:

[Teresa]

Monica,
Now is the point of deciding you definitely want to continue down this road , obviously it depends on home circumstances as well . It's great your boss has seen you and made a positive response , I'd be inclined to contact HR as soon as possible and make it clear exactly what you want to do . I'm going to suggest that once you've made that decision try not to back down from it . Dress appropriately and stick to it so you don't give a confusing message apearing one day as Monica and the following day as the guy will only confuse your work colleagues and make it more difficult for you . The hard part starts now as you have to sustain it , I found everyday harder than dressing to the nines , it's a case of how little and not too much . I would also suggest you don't swap wigs or makeup too much , establish your identity and let them get use to it because it will come as a shock to some of them .

Best of luck .

[Kelly DeWinter]

I'm not sure I would have title it "Workplace Drama" , my choice would have been "Pink Fog Diary", LOL, sounds like you have a cool boss and a cool workplace. Make sure you make that appointment with HR, it's bound to get out, I'm sure your boss will feel obligated to talk to HR, just to CYA himself in case anyone else has issues. Don't feel obligated to talk about transition unless it's something you want too.

Be cool and try not to sweat it, you are young working in a white collar environment, It's the best place to be either TG or CD. This weekend rent "Just Like a Woman" a movie about a CD in a white collar job, very funny, a little dated but worth watching.

[carhill2mn]

WOW, that would get your heart rate up! It sounds as if both of you handled the situation as well as could be expected. However, coming out to everyone with whom you work is an entirely different situation.

[JocelynJames]

Sounds like a dream scenario for me. I work with 98% guys and quite frankly, I?m not tough enough to put up with what would follow . Not that transition is even remotely on my radar. I hope that all goes well should you decided to proceed.
~Joss

[Helen_Highwater]

Monica,

Every cloud has a silver lining and what could have gone horribly wrong turned out to be a positive.

It looks like depending upon where you live getting back to normal might be weeks away or months depending upon circumstance. Hence this gives you some time to think things through. You don't mention whether or not your work brings you directly into contact face to face with clients and that might have a bearing upon your thoughts.

As Teresa says to avoid confusion if you opt to proceed and present enfemme each day then it needs to be just that each and every day. Can you cope with leaving and returning to the house dressed, are there implications in regard of coming out to neighbours, family and friends?

I would suggest having the talk both with your boss to find out if he's really comfortable with it and HR before making a decision and see what they say and what support they can offer.

You've probably jumped the biggest hurdle in presenting to your boss. If it's what you want then this does seem the golden opportunity.

[Joyce Swindell]

Several folks stated that you need to be consistent. I want to live in a world that allows me to choose a dress or a suit, men's or women's. I mean...if you're out as a CD what's the big deal? Women wear what they want, why can't a man once everyone knows. As far as the job...as long as you're doing your job, weather in heels or in cowboy boots, what does it really matter?

Women have fought for equal rights and earned it in most arena's which means equal rights for all of us....right? With big companies and human resources running the show, I would say have that talk with them. In any case of your intentions to simply dress however you like weather transitioning or not. Does it make a difference to them?

[NancySue]

Sounds like your boss just turned lemons into lemonade. I?m sure his appearance was quite a surprise, but maybe it was meant to be. He left the door open which was a positive sign. It appears the ball is in your court. Have you made any decisions? Please keep us in the loop. I?d love to hear the next chapter.

[docrobbysherry]

The ball seems to be exactly where it was before u were caught, Monica. In your court!:straightface:

U could always do whatever you wanted and still can!:battingeyelashes:
If u wish to remain in the closet u r quite lucky to have been caught by your boss. Of all your co workers, he is LEAST LIKELY to out u to your co workers! :thumbsup:

It's hard for me to believe u didn't consider the consequences being caught!:heehee:

[Debra Russell]

Monica, I hope this all works to your benefit. I would love to see pics of how you looked! (and the look on your boss's face)…………………………………...Debra

[Asew]

It sounds like at least a part of you wants to dress for work. And this only seems like drama on your end, seems like the boss is understanding and supportive. If you want to come out at work this seems like the perfect setup.

When I came out at work, I first contacted HR with no response from the LGBT coordinator so I contacted my boss and said he would have my back if there were any issues. It was nerve racking when I came out to dozen or so people I work with initially, but that was on my end.

[Teresa]

Joyce,
The question is out as what ? I hope I'm seen as a woman more than a CDer . It's one thing to wear anything you choose to attend a TG social function but everyday in the RW has to have some consitency , my painting goup has been very accepting simply because I remained consistent , I now have a definite identity which I can build on . If I wish to run my own art group I feel this aspect is very important .

I no longer use any labels but again I feel it's important not to confuse them , people do not know what my anatomy is, some may think I have had SRS , it's not a conversation I get into nor do I need to , it's better not to put that doubt in their heads , I do feel it does make a difference if you have to spend some time with them .

[Patience]

Well, you only have yourself to thank for your eventful day at the office. Maybe you wished secretly to be found out?

The event went as well as could be expected, if your account is accurate. if anyone else finds out, you'll know who was the source. Legally, of course, they can't let you go. In fact, they might be keen for you to transition. Women's salaries are still lower than men's in most fields.

[Crissy 107]

Monica, I think it went very well with your boss and you. I can totally understand your initial shock but I think you are doing ok, good luck if you decide to take this further.

[kimdl93]

That experience would rattle anyone. Still, you handled the shock and responded appropriately, as did your boss. There is every reason to hope for the best.

[Maria 60]

Wow! I think my heart stopped while you were telling this story, I can't believe you didn't have a heart attack. Sometimes we don't expect some people to react the way they do, your boss was very professional and you must be a valued worker. Even myself a while ago my boss and I were waiting for a door to be unlocked in front of a building. My boss is a very traditional Europen man, while we were waiting we seen a women walking with a short dress and heels. We were both staring and when she got closer we noticed it was a man, I didn't know what my bosses reaction was going to be. Instead we whispered to me that it's a man and strangly enough he yell out "nice legs buddy". The guy thanked him and he turned to me and said its good to give people confidence. That blew me away just like your boss must have surprised you to with his reaction. Sorry but my heart is still beating fast, just thinking about that moment when you seen your boss. Wow! That's crazy.

[Stephanie47]

Have you boxed yourself into a corner? Last July you posted that you are not trans and had no intent on transitioning. You have identified as a cross dresser. It is possible your boss has had the appropriate human resources training on transsexual issues, and, is making a possible false assumption that is where you are headed. I think many people are more understanding of transsexual issues than cross dressing. I hope he has not put you into a position of going further than you were planning.

[Rachel M]

Well, he didn’t fire you over it and you obviously presented very professional. Should you decide to come out at work by dressing again, can’t nobody tell you anything. I admire your courage to take that deep breath and own up and educate all the same.

[Fran Moore]

Several folks stated that you need to be consistent. I want to live in a world that allows me to choose a dress or a suit, men's or women's. I mean...if you're out as a CD what's the big deal? Women wear what they want, why can't a man once everyone knows. As far as the job...as long as you're doing your job, weather in heels or in cowboy boots, what does it really matter?

Women have fought for equal rights and earned it in most arena's which means equal rights for all of us....right? With big companies and human resources running the show, I would say have that talk with them. In any case of your intentions to simply dress however you like weather transitioning or not. Does it make a difference to them?


I agree Joyce, I don't want to be put into a "box", life should be about choices and presentation should be included in that conversation. This to me is the definition of "Gender Fluid". I wonder if anyone in HR has heard this argument before, or if it would interest you Monica to suggest it?

[MonicaPVD]

(I keep accidentally deleting this post. Let me try again)

Thanks for the support and suggestions. Yes, I almost died when he walked in. Silly me for assuming that I would have the place to myself all week. To be clear, I identify as a crossdresser simply because, at this point in my life and career, the cost benefit analysis of transitioning doesn't pan out for me. If I were a decade or two younger in today's world, I would sing a different tune. Also, I don't plan on presenting as a woman among my peers any time soon. I appreciated his dignified response, even if he was just being careful so as to not wade into discrimination waters. In any case, I was freaking out but I tried to remember advice from a lawyer friend, "always try to answer questions as succinctly as possible. Resist the urge to offer more information than necessary."

We shall see what happens, ladies.

[Rogina B]

So,few of the replies really apply as you were just playing dress up and got caught. The boss had a good story to take home and you are back to a coat and tie. No harm done.

[MonicaPVD]

So,few of the replies really apply as you were just playing dress up and got caught. The boss had a good story to take home and you are back to a coat and tie. No harm done.

We're all just playing dress up, in one way or another. The coat and tie is a much more burdensome disguise.

[April Rose]

We're all just playing dress up, in one way or another. The coat and tie is a much more burdensome disguise.

I can't help thinking that response indicates there is more to it than just cross dressing.

On another note, I worked for a company for 24 years without ever feeling I was a valued employee who wasn't one misstep away from being out the door. You are fortunate to be in a situation where your contribution is respcted.

[susan54]

Wow. That is one scary story. In the UK you would probably be protected by law. I had something related a couple of years ago. I was fully dressed at a function and one of the organisers introduced me (as Susan) to one of my colleagues. Amazingly she did not recognise me but it was a stressful weekend.

As I am not trans and dress for fun, one of the difficulties for me would be my right-on management perceiving this is me wanting to become a woman and insisting on helping me. I don't. Nor would I want to dress every day for work - the hassle of putting on make-up daily is a dreadful thought. I see no reason for consistency here - there is a banker who comes to work dressed as a woman some days and as a male on other days and I see nothing wrong with that. On dressed up days you could use a woman's name for people who meet you and your own name on the phone so no confusion involved. There are issues like what voice you use and what toilet you use but you can come to your own arrangement. In a fantasy world I would quite like to go to work some days in a full outfit just for the feedback from women colleagues but in reality I do my job as a vocation and I want to be recognised for this contribution - not as the guy in the dress so it is never going to happen. It is still a big issue or more people would be doing it and the widespread belief that only transgender people do this does not help. Most people in the UK now could understand the transsexual thing and would be sympathetic. Society still doesn't have a slot for guys (and I am ALWAYS a guy) who do this for fun and people would not know how to react.

Good luck with your situation. I hope it works out for you.

[alwayshave]

Monica, I manage 8 people. I can tell you my response to work situations is completely different from my personal feelings. So your boss did the right thing as any professional would have.

[Karmen]

It's definitely best scenario in bad situation, sort of speak. I guess your boss is ok with that, so why not using this as an advantage and come out. If you don't want to do that, just talk to him and ask him to keep that as a secret and you won't come to the office crossdressed again.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Monica,

It sounds like you're boss handled the situation very professionally. He also left the door open should you decide to transition. No harm, no foul.

[Connie D50]

Monica Like many my heart stopped just reading your post. You have to give your boss major credit the way he handled it. I feel that you can still go in any direction you want. This doesn't mean you have to start your transition any sooner if you opted not to. Based on how your boss handled it should make you feel a little better if you do. Good luck in what ever decision you make and of course keep us posted:). Connie

[Rhonda Darling]

Monica, both you and your boss handled it well. I suspect that after seeing you he wisely made a quick,call to,the HR director for advice.

Now, why the coat and tie now? So long as the office remains empty, go to the office en femme. Own it, babe. You have cover from the boss in case someone else wanders in. If they ridicule you, they are the one guilty of harassment and could find themself in deep hot water.

[ClosetED]

In the New England area, it would likely be illegal to discriminate based on gender presentation and managers are given HR training to be sensitive to that.
He likely needed that first sight to get his head around it, possibly even check HR policies, then returned prepared.
He could leak the situation, but open himself to discrimination lawsuit. I would consider a meeting to go over your plans to transition (as you wrote "wasn't ready to publicly transition just yet"), or not do it publicly, and that will also give you his personal response to the situation. But keep your productivity up so there is no excuse to let you go.

With all the work from home and video conferencing, I did imagine one could dress and claim it was the newest filter and you were playing with it to see how unusual you could make it, other than being a potato.
I did a video conf, but put on white shirt, red bowtie, and sparkly jacket, with jeans and slippers, so I was only one not in sweats/casual. Made for some smiles.

Hugs, Ellen

[Jenny22]

Monica, let me suggest that you see that boss in private and thank him sincerely for handling the situation as he did. Then, if it's your desire to do so again when the office is closed, ask him for his advice on that matter.

[BrendaPDX]

Wow! Great boss and good advice! I can't imagine the terror and adrenaline rush you must have felt. I can't imagine a better outcome to your situation. Congratulations! Talk about two birds and one stone. I love the pink-fog part, with this lockdown I am waiting for it to hit me and hopefully I won?t have a similar event.

[Sometimes Steffi]

At various times in my career, I have been a boss. I've had all the training, both as a boss and a regular engineer. Once, a woman who worked for me came to me with a complaint of sexual harassment by a man who also worked for me. And, she had irrefutable evidence. The "dunce" left a threatening voice mail for her, which she played for me. I took this directly to HR. It was way above my pay grade. HR knows how to handle these things without getting into a lawsuit.

I don't know how I would have reacted, even today, if I had been your boss.

[Angie G]

Good for uot to the boss. I think you will be fine when things get back to normal. :hugs:
Angie

[ellbee]

Well, if anything, perhaps now would be the perfect time to start incorporating a more-feminine look to your professional presentation? :strugglin

Not saying going *all* out... But to start (increasingly?) wearing things which would help get you to where you'd want to be.


Not sure what your dress code is, but could a women's suit (w/slacks, not skirt), for example, do the trick?

No wig, no make-up (or maybe very lightly so), no fake boobs, nothing "hardcore" like that. But dressing a bit more femmy, if you wish, might not be such an awful idea, really.


Honestly, why the heck not. Nothing wrong with blending the masculine with the feminine, if done tastefully & aesthetically-pleasing.


Best wishes to you! :)

[ShelbyDawn]

Monica,
The world is a different place than it used to be, companies have plans in place to deal with this and executives have been trained ton how to deal with it, several of the companies I have worked for over the past ten years even have inclusion training in their required annual HR courses for all employees.

Perhaps the best thing I can share is a quick story about a young man I'll call Joe, we started as contractors on the same day several years back. Joe was a mess, distracted, couldn't focus but very capable. Toward the end of our contract, a simple email came out from HR letting us all know that we should now call Joe, Mary. A few years later, at a new company expanded, Mary was hired, she was a dynamic, driven super successful team lead.

My point is, the world is recognizing we are normal, maybe not withing 2 standard deviations of the mean, but normal and businesses are more and more accepting every day, both out of practicality and necessity.

Besides, it sounds like your boss recognizes your value to the organization and that is more important to him than the color of your eye shadow.