Differenht type of missgendering?

[susan54]

As some of you will know, I do not identify as a woman even when dressed and acting as one in public.

I went to a fashion event with a GG friend. I was fully dressed as a woman, including the two hour drive get there.

There were several women I knew at the fashion even, including my stylist (yes, I have a stylist). All of them know I am male.

During the event, I was chatting with these women, and the GG I had come with referred to me in conversation as "he". I was totally happy with this.

There are Facebook pages for people who have done this styling, and I am on this regularly. I make occasional reference in my posts to being male. The Facebook Group is for discussions about styling women's clothes and I am the only male on the Group, and I feel warmly welcomed. There was a string about dresses and I had said something that triggered some feedback. My stylist waded in, referring to me as "she". She not only knows I am male but knows I identify as one. Not sure how I feel about this. I don't like it but I don't dislike it. If it had been a stranger I would just go with the flow, but when it is someone I know quite well it is weird.

I am just musing on this - I am not anguishing about it or complaining, and I won't mention it to her the next time I see her. I suppose anyone who goes out dressed as a woman has this sort of thing coming however they feel about it themselves - maybe other people are genuinely more comfortable using "she" for such situations. And why not? I guess I would just have rearranged the sentence to avoid a gendered pronoun.

[rhonda]

Sometimes seeing is believing

[Aunt Kelly]

Absent the person communicating their preferred pronouns, the polite thing to do is to take your cue from their presentation. If they correct you, simply acknowledge their request and move on.

When I am misgendered, I will usually respond with something like, "Please... You would be doing me a favor if you referred to me as ma'am." I can't remember the last time I had to do that. People are almost always polite enough to address us as we clearly wish to be addressed.

[Micki_Finn]

As someone who has been misgendered all their life in OR out of drag, why does it matter?

I understand malicious misgendering of individuals is bad. But why is it bad in this case? If you truly believe in equality if the sexes, then the only real purpose of “gender” is for “reproductive” purposes. So unless you’re interested in these women and you’re afraid the feeling won’t be returned if you identify as female, what harm does accidental misgendering cause? It’s especially confusing for the muggles who are already struggling to learn to identify people by their presentation rather than birth gender.
If it bothers you, mention it to her. Just “by the way, I prefer masculine pronouns” should suffice.

[Pumped]

I don't know how anyone can keep all this "gendering" correct! One man dresses up, obviously doesn't pass and all hell breaks out when someone uses a male gender tag in reference to her/him.

The next man dresses fully, and prefers to be gendered as a male. It is enough to make my head explode and I am here on this group most every day! If I am confused how can we possibly expect the general public to get it correct?

I don't know why we can just not even worry about it, or politely correct the person that mis-genders you.

[char GG]

I'm with Pumped on this one. Most people that are trying to be conscientious and polite, will try to address another person in the manner that they are projecting themselves.

The general public usually only knows he/she, him/her, ma'am/sir, etc. They don't know TG, TS, CD, MIAD, MtF, FtM, trans, those who blend the genders or even LGTBQ... If there is a chance encounter and the probability exits that you will never see the person again, there is no reason they would try to remember how each individual wants to be addressed.

People that are in contact on a consistent basis, will usually try to remember how each individual wants to be addressed.

Generally, I think that it would do more for the community as a whole, if everyone just responded politely.

[Jean 103]

At work I represent male wearing all women's clothing except for an oversized company t-shirt. Now wearing a mask I'm being misgendered as female, by men and women.

I find as time goes on I care less about this stuff.

[susan54]

I didn't say it was bad. I didn't complain about it. It was just something to think about. And I said I would not mention it to her when I next saw her. It was just a way of saying that there are all sorts of permutations on this.

[Pumped]

No worries, Susan, it just got me going!

Where my wife works they had a "non-gender" patient come in. The patient went through the trouble before hand to let them know to use gender neutral pronouns, "they" was one that was preferred. That did make my head explode!;-) Getting he/she correct makes my head spin, and add to the fire gender neutral? Try figure that one out before hand! I am happy if the people I deal with are reasonably polite and have bathed in the recent past. They can call me what ever name they choose as long as it is done politely!

[docrobbysherry]

Without a photo of u it's difficult to understand exactly what your post is about, Susan?

If you're presenting as a woman but look like a man in a dress, as I do, u can expect to be referred to as either gender. I'm thrilled to be called, "Mam", or, "Sir"! Beats the heck out of, "Bub", "Pal", or, "Hey u"!:heehee:

Unless u tell people when you're dressed that u don't feel you're a woman inside? How would anyone know!?:eek:

[Stephanie47]

From the comments on this site it would appear most would rather be addressed with female pronouns. How often does someone get dinged on this site for using a male pronoun. It's a big issue for TS persons to misidentified, either consciously or subconsciously. Further, someone can refer to a male to female as female, however, in a totally negative manner by using voice inflection. That is reported many times on this site.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm with Pumped.

[Teresa]

Susan,
When out in the RW people who see you and make the assumption you are female are being courteous by using the visual gender . I feel this is correct because they don't know unless they're told whether you have transitioned or not .

I don't feel we should get hot under the collar about being misgendered but also we are not doing the ones who have transitioned any favours by being annoyed by it .

I personally feel is wonderful to be politely being called " She " after all the years of battling with dysphoria and counselling to deal with it also not forgetting the end of my marriage .

Lets not forget some people have never met a member of the TG community before , when they struggle for the correct label at least help them out , I'm sure most of them do not intentionally wish to label you wrongly . I agree with Char in those circumstances , politely correct them .

[MonicaPVD]

Everyone has to right to be treated with respect and dignity. I can't imagine, for the life of me, going through all the trouble of dressing up, applying makeup, etc with the sole intention of presenting in public, in a mainstream setting, as a woman and then being perturbed because someone refered to me as a "she." I just can't fathom it, but that's me. I have six hundred other hangups to carry on about.

[susan54]

How many times? I am not bothered or perturbed. I was making an observation. Yes, if I am presenting as a woman when out and about, I would expect to be referred to as 'she'. This was a post about me in Facebook Group, where I do not hide the fact that I am male and the poster knew this. In fact being crossdressed is part of my presence on the site. The woman posting has seen me about 50% of the time dressed as a woman and 50% as a man. She has even been in my house (when I was dressed as a man). I wish I hadn't bothered.

[DianeT]

On a similar topic it's always funny for us French to watch North American series and movies where a girl systematically greets her girlfriends with a "Hi guys" line (I think I even catched a "Dude!" the other day!). How is that for misgendering :)

[char GG]

No worries, Susan. It's a good topic. You have every right to feel the way you do.

[alwayshave]

Susan, most CDers want to have female pronouns used. I'm sure your stylist was just conforming to that standard.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think we get that you weren't bothered. Your post just brings to mind those who are. Also, I think "she" has become the safe default if your presentation is even leaning female. Out of respect, maybe, or as a way of saying i get it", when in your case she didn't.

There's been only one time in my life that someone asked me if I preferred to be addressed as male or female. I was clearly 50/50 at the time, not trying to pass. Still, I think it took some nerve to ask. Well placed nerve in that instance, but someone else might have been offended that there was a need to even ask.

I'd like to see Mark weigh in on this one!

[ShelbyDawn]

I find conversations like this fascinating as all kinds of different points of view some into play. You can never know your stylists intent unless you ask her and you obviously don't care, as you have stated, it just gave you pause.
I recently wrote an article for a private publication titled "Malice is a Lazy *******," the point of which is that very few people will consciously go out of their way to hurt someone else, most of the offenses we encounter are because we CHOSE to take them in a certain way, in situations like this, choose to let it go, which you did, even if there was malicious intent, why would you make the choice to pick up someone else's garbage?

[JenniferR771]

Diane is right.
How many times have you heard women refer to a group of their women friends as "guys". As in,"Let's go guys get in the car we don't want to be late. Grab your purse."

[Teresa]

Susan,
I've just remembered the situation at my last art group exhibition , one of my paintings was being considered for purchase by the local civic society as part of history of the town . David who runs the group introduced me to the Mayor , I was wearing a smart dress with a blue jacket and wedges , he lightly shook my hand and smiled and asked how he addressed me , I replied I'm Terri but please don't call me Mister , he politely replied , " I certainly won't !"