The best way how to reveal to your partner?

[Karmen]

What is your opinion on this?
It's not my immediate dilema, but often wonder how to do it when the time comes. I saw a few threads in the past how to tell your partner, but I don't remember anyone taking a "fetish thing" approach. Would it work? Is it better to go down the road of fetish or the usual way, often seen as unsuccessful and risky move as witnessed here many times? If you first reveal your crossdressing as a fetish and a sexual thrill, it might be easier to swallow for your partner than a full crossdressing life? If that goes well, you can go further with more ease or back out of it if you see a bad reaction. And after that you can talk about it more easily, if the person is not too purist. If it is, that kind of person probably won't accept normal crossdressing either and you probably would know that too in advance.

[caitlyn louisa]

Make it their idea for you to get dressed up for some reason. I once said to a girlfriend "I wonder what i'd look like as a girl" when Wong Foo was on tv (not by accident). An hour later I was all dolled up. I told her it was fun and she was ok with that

[Di]

From a GG my advice do not play games if it is a fetish then sure say that.If it is more then be honest.

[Vicky_Scot]

Di you are spot on IMO. X x x

[Karmen]

@Di. I get it, honesty and all that, but fetish doesn't mean it has to happen only in a bedroom and every dressing has to end up with sex. It can be wider meaning. You argue you get satisfaction from wearing female clothes and it makes you happy. I just though, it would be easier to explain when you're still in the closet than suddenly get out in the open with an argument "I want to look like a women". I think fetishes are still more widely accepted than crossdressing. The final result is the same for a crossdresser who only occasionally dress, mostly at home. If "the game" is accepted, crossdressing at home is allowed, if not all the time, at least under some conditions and she can get used to the idea you wearing a dress and heels.

[Gillian Gigs]

From a GG my advice do not play games if it is a fetish then sure say that.If it is more then be honest.

The key word is honesty, nothing else will do. You need to tell her what drives you to want to dress. This is not a game of what is the easiest pill for her to swallow so I can get what I want. If she doesn't see through that right away, then it will happen later, and that will just make it worse for you. If your motive in telling her is so you can dress at home then that is what you talk about.

PS: I get it talking that fetishes can be difficult for some to accept, but we would be amazed at how many people have a fetish of one form, or another.

[Teresa]

Karmen,
Only you know how your wife feels about fetish behaviour , I know my wife wouldn't have been very impressed , she would have thought I only wanted her clothes to replace her .
There really isn't an easy way of doing it , whatever you say can't be undone so it's got to be thought through . What do you truly want from dressing , how far would you honestly want to go given the opportunity ? You need to be able to answer those questions before making up some half truths . I'm not sure if the fetish angle is more acceptable , please be careful , it may not appear as a game to her , it could scare her enough to want to end the marriage .

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Di! HONESTY and communication are the answer! Be honest and upfront! This should have been done toward the beginning of the relationship! Now it will be harder! Be honest but kind and considerate! IMO Hugs Lana Mae

[Robertacd]

Well to some extent it being "just a fetish" can be easier to accept than "my husband is Transgender".

But that being said I have to agree with Di, BE HONEST.

If it's just a fetish then say so.

If it's more then tell her it's not just a fetish.

One of the biggest problems spouses have with this is the "lying and hiding". (You don't trust them = you don't love them)

One of their common fears is that you are going to say "It's just a fetish" then later after they have grown tired of your "fetish" or you pushed it too far. You will say "It's always been more than a just a fetish, I have always wanted to be a girl!". (You lied from the start)

[Micki_Finn]

Yup, Di nailed it. If it IS just a fetish, then be honest. But you CANNOT sit your partner down and say “I need to be honest with you” and then proceed to lie. If you’re going to lie anyway, you might as well not say anything.

[char GG]

Call it whatever name you want to give it. Di is spot on. Don't play games.

[Jenny22]

Another in agreement with DI. Read the sticky at the top of this forum re: acceptance.

[GretchenJ]

Another vote with Di on this, it is better to pull the band off quick than to backtrack of your original statements later on

[DianeT]

Like Di said. If you are coming out it doesn't make sense to not try and lay all the cards on the table. When I came out to my wife I told her a whole encyclopedia about my crossdressing. In the process there were a few inaccuracies or overlooked facts (some unintentional, some because it was hard for me to spill out everything at once), which I corrected or added during further discussions. Anything I overlooked or didn't get right the first time added to the distress of my wife when revealed. I mean, you will make mistakes even when trying to be open and honest, do yourself the favor of not making the situation worse with intentional lies.
You are considering telling your partner and this is good, it is the right thing to do. You need to build up a lot of courage to do so. Wait until you have what it takes to be 100% honest. Although my wife and I live a complicated situation since I came out, my only regret now is not having told earlier.
Be brave and be honest. Good luck.

[Jenny22]

Also, read the first sticky under the Loved Ones forum.

[Stephanie47]

I went back to see if you're married. There is be a big difference in the approach for a reveal if you're already married or have a girl friend. Kids? No kids? I did see you asked this question more than two years ago. No luck so far? If you're going to tell a woman with whom you have a relationship I recommend telling her exactly who you are as it relates to wearing women's clothing. Usually fetish is associated with a singular style or garment; panty fetish, hosiery fetish, etc. I've never heard fetish applied to the entire ball of wax.

Even trying out the idea for a costume party or Halloween (Slovenia?) runs a risk. The women I know would see the progression from a fetish to full on cross dressing was nothing more than a ploy. Be truthful in life.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Karmen
I am not arguing against the honesty approach as others recommend....but. Just so you know some women, like my wife, are completely intolerant regardless of the purpose whether fetish or otherwise. So it can be a risky thing sharing you dressing habits. Fortunately my wife usually gets over it when I get caught, but I have to lay low for a long time to be safe. Just make sure you think things through if you have no idea how she will react.

Sandi

[April Rose]

I think it is important to note that Karmen is in Slovenia. From what I've read in the papers and online the risk/reward in relation to trans issues is very different there right now from the U.S. or probably the UK. I would be very hesitant about offering advice.

Karmen might be the one to enlighten us regarding that.

[Cheryl T]

Introducing it as a "fetish thing"? Well, if that's what it is to you then that would be the path.
It's not that for me and when I finally couldn't keep it all inside any longer I just approached her and said, "we have a problem".
I used "we" because that's how I viewed it. We are married and we are two as one in this marriage. My issues are hers and vice versa. I don't think it could really work any other way.
She asked about the problem and I presented it in all it's detail. We talked and cried and talked and cried and eventually she came to understand what this means to me. From there we discussed where it was going and I introduced her to this site and had her read the messages and ask all the questions of me she desired.
We then found a local group and explored that eventually becoming members.
She is now fully accepting. I'm fully dressed as I sit her and she is just getting up. When she sees me it will be like any other day for both of us and that is really what I have always wanted. I just want to be me.

That approach was mine. Yours has to be from your heart and in your situation.

[Karmen]

I went back to see if you're married. There is be a big difference in the approach for a reveal if you're already married or have a girl friend. Kids? No kids? I did see you asked this question more than two years ago. No luck so far? If you're going to tell a woman with whom you have a relationship I recommend telling her exactly who you are as it relates to wearing women's clothing. Usually fetish is associated with a singular style or garment; panty fetish, hosiery fetish, etc. I've never heard fetish applied to the entire ball of wax.

Even trying out the idea for a costume party or Halloween (Slovenia?) runs a risk. The women I know would see the progression from a fetish to full on cross dressing was nothing more than a ploy. Be truth in life.

I'm not married and had a few unsuccessful relationships in the past and still asking myself how to do it next time better. Hiding my crossdressing always made me miserable and distanced me from a women at the end and everything went downhill after that. On a few occasions I was fishing around a little how to tell her, but without a success and backed out at the end. And you can't live together or even spend a lot of time together and crossdress on a daily basis without her knowing. I don't even want to do that, even if it would be possible. I just don't want to make the same mistake next time and I'm looking for the best way to tell her as soon as possible as painless as possible with best possible outcome. When is soon enough and not too late? I don't want to tell every women I meet right away, since I'm still in the closet and don't plan to come out anytime soon (at least not to the world), because it would rock my world too much, but I want at least keep the underdressing routine and wear female clothes at home, so when a serious relationship starts, she has to know and be ok with that. How to argue a fact that you didn't tell right away when you met her? Will she understand that? If not, how likely is that she will tell others about your secret if you're not together any more?

Thanks to everybody for advice so far. Now I definitely know a fetish approach would be a bad idea.

[alwayshave]

Karmen, whether you tell her its a fetish thing depends on whether it is a fetish thing. If it's not, tell her you like to dress.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Remember, you fail to disclose at your own peril. The consequences of not telling prior to marriage or children are all over this site. If it is a fetish, tell her that, if it is more, tell her that... if you are a transsexual, tell her that.

Regardless, if she is like most other women, she won't be happy. Be prepared.

[cdkateinboston]

So I have been extremely fortunate. My girlfriend (soon to be fiance) happens to be a trans woman so she was very understanding, and even supportive, when I told her about my dressing. I even got the nerve to show her a picture of me completely done up a few years back, wig and all! But I was slow to introduce her to that side of me because I had a fear of inundating her with my "other side". I want to be sensitive to the fact that there is this other personality in the guy she loves. That said, she recently told me that she loves that I'm bringing this part of me out because she's finally seeing the real me and she loves that more. Being trans, she has mentioned that she has experience with repressing those things and she has empathy for the fact that I want to be more open to the world about my feminine side. Again, I've been so so lucky and if you look back at my posts over the sporadic times on here over the last decade, I never believed I would find a significant other that would not only "be okay" with this side of me, but support it and take part.

[prene]

This has been tough for me.
I am unsure what I think it is.
That is why I have a therapist, I think it is more than a fetish but how much more?
I agree with everyone HONESTY is best but you need to know where you are.
I have lost plenty of gf's due to this.

My issue when do you bring that up in a relationship?
Day one? when you are intimate and getting exclusive?
My issues.

[giuseppina]

This is an old thread that is on point and still has value:

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

I agree with posters above that recommend against games and dishonesty.

[cdkateinboston]

From a GG my advice do not play games if it is a fetish then sure say that.If it is more then be honest.

I have to echo this. I know the outcome differs for every girl here, but my partner and I had a conversation early on about the "skeletons in the closet" and I mentioned crossdressing as one. That absolutely didn't make showing her a photo of Katie dressed up, painting my nails in front of her, or moving my clothing style in the femme direction ANY easier for me, but I think it did make it easier for her. I had to be honest with how dressing was in my life, and not just for her but for me as well. Because if I had structured it around a lie, or a facsimile of the truth, I wouldn't be happy if she was accepting of that lie because I wouldnt be dressing for the reasons I want to. I'm still discovering what dressing means to me and its place in my life, but I happen to have a fully supportive and amazing partner who is going through this with me.

[wendy]

I am basing this from my own personal experience, and most of it echoes many people's responses already.

Be straight up and honest. For me, this was the scary part because I did not know how she would react. She was supportive but had questions like "are you gay ?", "are you going to transition to a woman ?", I answered all honestly. at the end, she was not happy about me hiding Wendy from her and wished I brought it up to her much sooner, other than that she has been very supportive. As well, she already had a hunch I was dressing (some of her clothes were stretched, it would take me at least 25 min to pick her up from evening courses when we only live 5 min away from the University, ...). When they say a woman's intuition is bang on, it is correct, somehow they just know.

[Angie G]

I started with a little trickery It was a very hot day wife it's not fair she could wear skirts and I had to wear pants. when we got home she gave me one of her skirts to wear. It went from there a short time later we would be buying skirts dresses shoes hose bras and panties for. Angie :hugs:
Angie

[MichaelM]

Don't start with trickery. She will either see through it or she will link it back to when you do tell her. This happened to me and I've spent a number of hours trying to persuade my wife that what was initially a joke/test the waters (me CDing in the bedroom) wasn't the same as me CDing properly.

Best advice is to be honest.

If it's a fetish, then tell her. Ask her what hers is or if she has any fantasies.

However, also be honest with yourself.

Is it a fetish for you or does it go further for you? There might be fetishistic elements but there may also be other issues at play. I didn't realise why I CDd until I had therapy although I always knew it wasn't a fetish.

As to when to tell her, only you can be the judge of that. When it feels right and you feel you can trust her with your biggest secret. For me it was when I felt the right time had come (and I was feeling super guilty for lying for such a long time) and an opportunity came along and she outright asked me.

When the time comes, good luck!

[confused_cathreen]

I am sorry, the OP's question sounds to me like a request for instructions on how to manipulate a potential partner into accepting crossdressing. I think you should start by not doing that and respecting them by just being honest about who you are. Unless respect is not a requirement in your relationship, then try manipulation instead. I really don't understand how a simple word like "honesty" is a difficult concept to grasp...

[jacques]

hello Karmen,
the hard thing I found was understanding the cross-dressing myself. It was and is a big thing for me - but how could I explain it to someone else when I don't understand it myself.
Now I know it is just something I do; that is part of me. I accept it. My wife accepted it before I did.
The "best way to reveal" - everyone will give you a different answer or at least tell you how not to do it! I will advise - don't lie; don't play games; don't be passive-aggressive ("you don't understand the real me.."; don't get drunk; ...
Take care & good luck
luv J

[Micki_Finn]

I am sorry, the OP's question sounds to me like a request for instructions on how to manipulate a potential partner into accepting crossdressing. I think you should start by not doing that and respecting them by just being honest about who you are. Unless respect is not a requirement in your relationship, then try manipulation instead. I really don't understand how a simple word like "honesty" is a difficult concept to grasp...

When people are confronted with something as enormous as coming out, sometimes they panic and think emotionally rather than rationally. Luckily the OP has us to try to help her see clearly.