Question :- good relationship or failed ?

[Teresa]

After replying to a thread about SOs acceptance improving dressing or not I thought it might be interesting to ask who has managed to stay in a relationship and who's has failed over CDing issues ? I've never checked on the statistics so wondered what the figures are ?

I'm sure most know my marriage failed after 45 years , my wife couldn't live with me being TG and I couldn't live without it but we parted on fairly amicable terms now the dust is settling acceptance is improving which is great for the rest of my family .

[docrobbysherry]

Failed. Your 45 is VERY impressing! Couldn't even do 10 years with my ex. :sad:

But, it had NOTHING to do with crossdressing.:battingeyelashes:

[Robertacd]

26 years and counting, my wife is fully accepting and supporting of me being Transgender.

In fact she is more accepting and supporting of the whole thing than when I was "just a crossdresser".

[ambigendrous]

My wife and I just passed 49 years married this past October - she's known about my dressing for about 35 of those years. At first it was a DADT arrangement where I could lock myself in the bedroom for some "alone" time. Then when we retired 11 years ago she said it would be okay for me to dress as I like whenever I needed so now I get "comfortable" whenever I feel the need and she is accepting of it. We joke a lot about how she can't wait to take her bra off, while I can't wait to put mine on. I wear a nightgown to bed every night, unless the grandkids are spending the night and we're looking forward to the next 49 years together.

[Gillian Gigs]

My wife and I have a very good relationship, it will be married 47 years this year. It will be 26 years ago that I came out to her. Things have opened up through those years to the point that I do everything that I desire to do as far as CD'ing is concerned. I don't do the full 9 yards and dress around the house as I choose. I do mostly a half and half clothing routine, underdressing, skirt and pantyhose. I don't attempt to look feminine, I'm just a guy in a skirt. She is open and has helped a lot with shopping, etc. I have no complaints and I don't push my luck either.

[Pumped]

36 years and still going strong.
I have been dressing for just a few years and the little lady took it kind of hard at first, but now we have our "girls nights" where we both dress and do our nails, sit a visit, and often help each other take our clothes off....

I dress to some degree daily but don't go out of the house dressed, no plans to transition, so I believe that takes a load of stress off the relationship.

[Dawn P]

35 years this June. She knew about my dressing from day 1. She is accepting and when we get a chance we go out as girlfriends.

[GaleWarning]

My marriage failed after 27.5 years.
There were multiple issues.
I got bored and an attractive lady came along …
But I now realise that the break-up was not entirely my fault.

[Majella St Gerard]

Both my marriages failed because neither of my wives could keep their legs closed. I'm apparently a bad judge of character.

[Rogina B]

Teresa,Someone that wants to crossdress may have different needs from someone that identifies as being transgender.One can be tucked away neatly in the closet and the other can't because it refuses..

[Tracii G]

Both my exes had a hard time not sleeping with my best friends and lots of other men.

[Aka_Donna]

You need a new post this one is confusing. Is it about CD or TG? The SO reactions are totally different.

[Jean 103]

Well I guess you got me beat, I was married for 30 years when we separated.

Came to this party late in life.

I didn't understand the clues. They just didn't add up, when I looked at it all from a different angle, it all began to make sense.

I didn't have this view till well after we had separated. At the time I could explain or defend something I didn't even understand.

It still wouldn't have made a difference in the end. She could never accept me this way.

As you know, we are the same person, just look a bit different.

[bridget thronton]

Been married 45 years - we are partners and support each other. She is OK with my dressing at home or outside with her. She does not want her family to know (our kids know) - yet if I decided to dress at work she would tell me it was my choics.

[Connie D50]

Teresa I started to write a novel I'll give you the short version on May 15th 43 years . Been and continues to be a roller coaster ride. All we know is that we love each other.

[SaraLin]

First marriage failed because I left. The dressing was an issue that cropped up AFTER we had been married a while. She struggled, but appeared to accept it. Till one day, while shopping for me, she made the comment "I must be getting as sick as you - shopping for your dresses." That pretty much said it all.

Second marriage failed because she slept around. She knew of my gender issues, and we enjoyed things together. Till the split. THEN it was suddenly all my fault because I wore dresses.

Third - current - and last marriage... She knew up front before we got serious about each other. She set up "ground rules" of what was OK with her and what wasn't. I accepted her terms (she's worth it) and we've been together almost 20 years.

[Cynthia_0101]

Next year the wife and I will have been married for 20 years, but we have been together for 24. I told her about my dressing 5 months into dating and here we are still together. The actual act of dressing never once really bothered her, more like me being stuck in ping fog's that caused the most strife.

[Maria 60]

Been married 35 happy years, told her 2 weeks back from our honeymoon. We found some fair grounds that we can both live with and hopefully many more happy years.

[Vicky_Scot]

Married 30 years and wife has known for around 24 years and we are still going strong. X

[Megan b]

My marriage failed after 22 years. I'd say she mostly blamed it on the crossdressing. I would have loved her till I died but it didn't work out that way.

[alwayshave]

Teresa, I have been with my wife for 14ish years. I told her about my crossdressing before we moved in together. I knew at that point in my wife I would not hide myself in an intimate relationship again. She has been very accepting and encouraging and become more so over the years.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Married 38 years this coming August.

She's know to a degree since before we were married.

While I've never been trapped in a DADT situation her acceptance has varied widely over the years. Now that I'm retired she is more on the accepting side.

[Teri Ray]

Married 48 years. Like many I was crossdressing to some extent when we first married. I did not get my desire to fully dress until about 2000. My wife probably had some suspicion but my first confession (after she found pictures of me dressed) occurred about 2007 results in DADT until 2017 when my wife and I have another "Big Talk" and begin a more open approach to my crossdressing. I believe that my wife is accepting to a point within boundaries. I do know that being open and honest for my wife and I has been so much better that DADT.

[Nadine Spirit]

Years ago, when I would generally only frequent this section of these boards I got super frustrated with the narrative that was going around at that time. What was it? "Never come out to your spouse because if you do you guarantee that they will leave you." I did a data mine of the posts here. I put username into Excel cells, and then recorded what their spouse did upon reveal. In general that numbers were about 80-90% of all spouses at least stayed in the relationship. About 20-30% of those were in a DADT situation but their SO stayed. At the time I was not examining data from those who transitioned, only self identified CDs. What I saw is what I suspected, some SOs will leave, but most will not. Just look at the responses so far in this thread. Most of them are indicated that their SOs knows and has stayed.

Anywho, whatevs, take it as y'all will.

My spouse? I've transitioned. About ten years ago she said she would leave me if I ever transitioned. I told her not to worry as I would NEVER do that. lol We both became much more educated on the subject. I transitioned 2-3 years ago and as it turns out my transition most likely saved our marriage. Actually pretty much everyone I know IRL who has transitioned has stayed married.

[alwayshave]

Teresa, I have been with my wife for 14ish years. I told her about my crossdressing before we moved in together. I knew at that point in my wife I would not hide myself in an intimate relationship again. She has been very accepting and encouraging and become more so over the years.

[Pumped]

For what it is worth, IMO, if you have a good marriage, it will work. If you don't have a good marriage, it will eventually find some reason to collapse.

[DMichele]

Teresa,
I revealed my desire to wear women's clothing before we got married. Our marriage lasted just short of 30 years, had many good times and many not so good times. My ex filed for a divorce, which caught me by surprise. We lived under the same roof for 6-8 months until the divorce was final.
Looking back, we were opposites who were attracted to each other, and although my ex blamed my crossdressing for the divorce there were multiple reasons that contributed to our divorce.

[ShelbyDawn]

Not a good person to ask, my marriage was a dumpster fire on steroids from day one, the abuse I endured was the reason I found dressing again after over twenty years and while it had nothing to do with the real reasons, oh so many reasons, we got divorced, she made sure it was prominently noted in the divorce decree so there was an official record of my 'depravity.'

The irony was how upset she was when she lost friends "due to my dressing" when she was the one going around telling everyone. I'm sure it had nothing to do with a bitter witch dumping her personal garbage all over them every chance she got, but I'm over it now, can't you tell.. :)

[Stephanie47]

I hope Nadine's (#24) statistical sampling is correct. Given the number of guests who frequent the site I wonder who they are; cross dressers, wives and girl friends, lurkers, researchers? Perhaps 80-90% do stay in a marriage after a "reveal" or "The Talk." I wonder how many relationships were aborted when cross dressing arose prior to marriage; dropped like a hot potato. Then, I wonder how many marriages in the real world should be terminated but continue for typical reasons; income, the kids, social status.

I suspect the longer a secret is kept the greater the possibility or probability the marriage will survive "The Talk." The desire to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman is only a part of the man. There are numerous other qualities of any man. Not all are good, but, that may be a reason for a marital breakup regardless of any cross dressing.

My wife and I will be celebrating forty-nine years this year. Yes, I had some youthful experience with wearing my mother's clothing many years before I met my wife. It was a distant memory. In the 1960's there was no resource material available. After tying the knot there did develop some bedroom play with lingerie and hosiery. I would not call it cross dressing in the sense of emulating a woman. That came many years later. We had "The Talk" after our daughter yanked a vivid red Vanity Fair bra out of the bottom draw of my armoire. The entire idea was foreign to my small town girl. Due to some personal issues she had there was zero acceptance. She did make comments to the effect, if she had known, she would not have married me. But, by that time she saw the qualities she was attracted to were still there.

I realized the issue of "trust" is never going to go away in some marriages. "What else is he hiding?" Yes, as I will acknowledge, the woman was not given the opportunity to make her choice. Yes, probably blindsided. My wife did profess or question was there some inadequacy on her part. Wasn't she enough for me? It took a long time for her to accept the fact my desire to wear women's clothing had absolutely nothing to do with her. I did not know, and, still do not know why I do what I do. It can be that simple.

Now we are in a deep DADT. Yes, it would be nice if she were an active willing participant. But, that is not going to happen. Overall, the marriage is successful. I do not present in any manner any emulating of a woman. Fortunately, my gene pool has left me hairless on the legs and underarms. Sparse to almost zero in the chest. But, I do not do anything to modify my body or openly display anything feminine, There is no secretive nail polish on my toes. Yucky toes anyway. I do nothing to shove cross dressing in her face. I do not inch forward, and, hope to take a mile. On the other side, she does not tear the house apart trying to locate any "stash." There are no snide comments. I do read on this site some really bad marriages. It makes me wonder why the heck the guy takes it. I also read a lot of comments and wonder why the heck doesn't she just dump him. Both husband and wife would be better off not married when there is a total lack of respect for each other.

[joank]

Going strong for 52 years. Full open after first 10 years and a lot of trade offs on both sides of the isle.

[Teresa]

SirDonna ,
The question is simple enough , has your marriage survived CDing /Tg issues or failed through them . Obviuosly all wives/partners are different but that point isn't relevant to the question .

Nadine,
I didn't want to be too specific , whatever label is used it is a forum for all those with TG or CDing issues , so my question was a basic one of has your marriage /partnership continued or failed through these issues . I wasn't sure if I would get a TS response or not I guess to be sure the question may have to be asked in the TS section . I do appreciate your input many thanks .

[Asew]

My wife is fairly accepting most of the time but my CDing is a strain among other strains on our relationship.

[Teresa]

I would like to thank you all for taking the trouble to reply to the question .

I've just had a quick check on the replies so far and I make 18 have intact marriages, 10 have failed , I've not counted multiple divorces which if I did would almost even the figures up .

I hope more will take take the trouble to add to the figures , I'm not concerned about which label you use whether it be CDer, TG or TS .

[Paulie Birmingham]

25 years. Miad who doesn't wear dresses. She's known for 10 plus but only learned extent when she found my stash 4 years ago. Great marriage but some rough times. 99 percent sure we will make it until one of us dies, but if not, CD won't be the issue. I have other issues. Lol

[cdkateinboston]

I am about to propose to my girlfriend who knows about and supports my feminine side. It took me a year into our relationship to begin to explore my female side in front of her, and even then it is a little difficult for me to divulge things to her since I fear that it will somehow drive her away despite her being totally and completely supportive. I am starting to buy clothes to keep in my closet next to my male clothing and even had my first pair of heels show up and i wore them this morning to show them to her. She told me that she was jealous of my style lol. But its opened a dynamic in our relationship that has been truly awesome and new because now I am sharing everything about me with her and she loves that. I am so so very fortunate and I will be proposing to her next month.

[Lydianne]

It has to be tough to call a marriage that ends after 45 years, a 'failure'. By definition, yes, it's black and white, but 45 years is a very long time!

Like if you're order-fulfilling, and you do 50 orders and make an error on two, I think "awesome job", but the director would throw a fit :strugglin.

- L.

[Kandi Robbins]

It will be 34 years a week from tomorrow. I absolutely know I am unique in this regard, but my dressing is an almost complete nonissue. I denied it to myself most of my life, accepted it six years ago and then told my wife. All she wished for, and has continued to do so, is my happiness. Meanwhile, I have flourished as Kandi, our marriage is a solid one and my dressing, my massive wardrobe, my going out when that was possible, all nonissues. She sees me dressed frequently when I came and went out, but we don't participate as girl friends, my choice. My main role in my life is a husband and I wouldn't change that for anything.

The answer to your question: great relationship!

[Teresa]

Lydianne,
It maybe a failure of marriage but it wasn't all bad and many memories I hope I never forget . I might be nearing 70 but I don't feel old , so I hope I still have some good years left to still live life to the full . Being TG has given me a new lease of life , I have a new home to work on and still plan to start my art group , if I'd still been married would all this be happening ?

[Maid_Marion]

My wife knew before I was married because I told her. She bought up things like wearing panties and growing my hair out after I started wearing VS PJs to bed. But, she had health issues and I didn't have much time to explore my feminine side before she passed. She was conflicted about how good I look in women's clothes, as I have an hourglass figure. On one hand I look hot. On the other hand it would bring up issues that she had with her body. So much so that she would wait outside while I went into VS.

Marion

[reb.femme]

Hi Teresa,

My once in a few months appearance on the forum and I saw your post first.

My marriage has failed due to my CDing issues, so another negative to add to the stats. I came out to her fully on 8th April 2012 and initially, she was really OK with it, but I had a serious failure of my immune system (bullous pemphigoid) from about July of the same year. The high dose steroids made me a different creature with mood swings and rage with a hair trigger fuse. Nothing physical or threatening toward her, just a tendency to go off the deep end about anything. i.e the colour of my coffee, as a silly for instance.

She had changed in herself too, forgetful, no memory of recent discussion and at times pig ignorant, not to put too fine a point on it. I think she's just switched off to me, which I don't really blame her for. My time on meds was horrific, and then looking at it from her point of view, I'm a pale imitation of the guy she had kids with. So, we get to mid 2019 and she said the marriage is over. Been together since 1974, married in 1980.

We get on OK, just about, but we're selling the house and looking for new homes out in Kent. Work will be further away, so I'll be looking for something nearer to my new home, but I'll be pushing 61 then. Eek.

Oh well, such is life. At least I won't have anyone else to keep happy, apart from the cat.

[Teresa]

RebFemme,
Sorry to add you to the failed list , I hope you are feeling better and it all works out for you . We do take our health for granted sometimes , for different reasons I know how much it can change us but I don't see myself as a pale imitation I'm just different to the way I was , I don't have any regrets I enjoy life in other ways .

[Rogina B]

Teresa,You know that there is a huge difference in a spouse coming out as "enjoying crossdressing" as opposed to identifying as Transgender and telling the spouse that you aren't sure "where your journey may lead..."

[Pumped]

reb.femme, It sounds to me like there was more than the dressing. Perhaps if not for the health issues things might have been different.

- - - Updated - - -


Teresa,You know that there is a huge difference in a spouse coming out as "enjoying crossdressing" as opposed to identifying as Transgender and telling the spouse that you aren't sure "where your journey may lead..."

I have to agree. If I was fully dressed all the time and wandering the streets as a woman I doubt my wife would be around. Behind closed doors, at home or motels is fine with her. It was one of the items that came up during our initial discussions, how far was I going with this? I have no plans to leave the house dressed as a woman and go to work, or shopping. It is just too large of a step to take, to much chance of a major life change as friends and possible employers don't accept.

[Teresa]

Pumped/Rogina,
I wasn't really looking at the rights on wrongs of acceptance just asking a basic question if you've retained a working marriage or not through our issues , OK I accept that these issues arte possibly the straw that broke the camels back . Perhaps my marraige had run it's course anyway .

[Jolene Robertson]

My first marriage failed because she wanted to play after 20 years together. I had not embraced or accepted this side of me yet so was completely in the closet and rarely dressed even though I always wanted to so that one had nothing to do with dressing although I think she'd have been fine with it. I came out to my current wife after 10 years together and she's been great with it even goes out with me dressed and shops with me. It's never been an issue for her. Of course she had all the usual questioned to start with but I was honest and have lived up to what I told her. We even share a lot of clothes.

[Judy-Somthing]

After 37 years of marriage this CD-ing thing might end in devoice.

I accidently got hooked on CD-ing sometime around age 7.
In my teens my friends new and we would dress up together and walk around town.
I didn't think of it as being a Cross-Dresser, I just coincided it fooling around.

After I got married I didn't say I was a Cross-Dresser, I figured I would stop dressing, which I did gradually over 4 years.
Well children came I was so busy with being a dad I lost the desire to dress.

After twenty five years the kids grown up and moved out I had idle time on my hands.
The desire came back very strong so I told my wife.

Well it didn't go over well to say the least. That was three years ago and Now I'm deep in the Closet!
I hate keeping this secret and I feel the only thing that will stop this desire is when I loose the opportunity to indulge in it!

[Teresa]

Judy,
I guess the first thought should be what drives your dressing and do you have dysphoria , perhaps you need to think it through before jumping in the deep end . I guess I was lucky because we agreed 50-50 split so we could both buy a reasonable new home , if you can't agree on that then you could have a problem .

[kimdl93]

Married twice, failed twice but different reasons. First union lasted 19 years, the second lasted 16. The first ended due to problems on both of our parts, the second almost entirely due to my gender issues. Looking back, (although I acknowledged being a cross dresser before we were engaged) I subsequently made about every possible mistake with my second wife regarding my desire to dress, my coming out and my conduct following coming out.

[TheHiddenMe]

The tl:dr version. Married for 28, known each other for 35. The 7 years between meeting and marriage was a function of her living in Australia and me in the US; during those 7 years, we actually spent 7 months together.

A couple of times early in our times together she put makeup on me and also let me dress one time in her clothes. About 15 years later (8 years into our marriage) I realized I wanted to get some clothes and dress occasionally. She is tolerant but not overly accepting. She doesn't like me going out, and has told me to "lie to her", so I do (about dressing and going out).

The dressing is an irritant in our marriage, but a larger issue is the distance. I spend about 2 months in Australia and 10 months in the US. She's about 4 and 8, and would like the 4 to be more (she was supposed to return to the US last week, but with canceled flights her trip here is TBD). Given the headaches of the travel (it's at least a 24 hour trip), it's not practical to go more often than we do.

So our marriage has issues, with my dressing being one, but we are still intact.

[Krisi]

My wife of 38 years tolerates my dressing and even shops with me or brings me home feminine things. That said, I suspect she would rather that I not have this "hobby".

[Dutchess]

My ex husband obviously no but he hid EVERYTHING .. and I asked him if he had anything he would like to talk about ... when he came out he exploded and I took a backseat to ll things femme and finally shoved out of an exit door . Very sexual fet dresser that thought that meant he was a woman and we should all feel sorry for him . So much stuff hidden that I wouldn't have married him under any circumstances . porn addiction , saw strangers he met online en femme . It was a mess . After he came out he would get really nasty mean if he couldn't dress when and how he liked no matter if it were inappropriate or not and of course his website for his pics that he attracted chasers from . His whole life revolved around it 24/7 . No other interests .

My SO was already this way and open so there was nothing hidden from the beginning , if s/he had not died we would still be together . No wild public sexual dressing/extreme fake submission etc,, this person was who s/he always was .

[Teresa]

Dutchess,
I know you've had a tough life if feel many of us go through what we do because we wouldn't intentionally make anyone suffer the way your first husband made you . Evenso you still felt you could live with and support another member of the TG community , sadly marriage didn't let you down but life did .

[Kitty Sue]

I told my wife in January I think it was. We have not talked about it much. A couple of times she has asked me to put on a dress. I have said no, as I am so out of shape and I don't want her to see me while I feel gross.
Secondly, I believe that as I was not upfront with my wife before we married, I don't think I have a right to push it now. Overall, at least for the moment, I am fine with how things are. She asked me if I would dress around her and I said "I am not sure, especially as I am a chunkdy monkey at the moment."
At the moment I would say we have a really good relationship. I am not worried about CDing killing it. I am more concerned with the state of the economy and wonder each day what would happen if we lost our income. I think that would be more of a stressor than me wearing a mini skirt, bra, and pantyhose.

[Angie G]

Been married for 52 years my wife has known since 2006and still very much in love. my wife even buys things for Angie. :hugs:
Angie

[Sandi Beech]

I am approaching 36 years. As I recall I think I started with shaving and wearing pantyhose about 2 years into our marriage. It was really bumpy for a while, so I have to try to dress in secret. She is not tolerant in any way so I have to remove the offending items if caught immediately. On the good side, I guess she now realizes I am not going anywhere after all this time. This is really our only point of trouble as we get along fine otherwise.

Sandi