During a dressup time are you still you or someone else?

[DanielleDubois]

I cannot take credit for this question as it was posed to me in an email from my very close friend Carla.

Here is what she asked: I like the way you and I are way past the 'why' ponderance everyone else attaches to this activity. Here's a good question. When you're dressed, are you Danielle or just Dave enjoying yet another creative and fulfilling craft?

And here is my my rather lengthy reply.

The Danielle/Dave question is indeed an interesting one for me. I cannot truthfully say I am completely past the "why" dilemma but it is usually in the context of how difficult it is for my understanding and loving wife to deal with and try to comprehend. As for me I have come to terms with my need to become Danielle periodically to maintain my mental health. Not to say there are not times it can be stressful having this other personality inside my 99% male brain but being able to honestly communicate most things with my wife is very comforting.

I consider myself to be very much at the "just a crossdresser" end of the transgender spectrum. No thoughts at all that I should have been a girl, wanting to do this 24/7, or any permanent physical changes or hormones. That?s not to say I can be a bit obsessive compulsive about attempting to look and feel as feminine as possible with full body shaving, convincing tucking, glued on breastforms, painted toenails and long fake fingernails etc. I would like to experience being 24/7 for a few days at a crossdressing convention. I have on occasion when the wife was away gone to bed wearing lingerie, boobs, wig, long fingernails and painted toes. Waking up in the morning and sitting on the toilet looking at my painted toenails, fingernails, and boobs was a bit surreal.

The transformation process to Danielle is an integral part of my crossdressing and I truly enjoy it as Dave slowly disappears and Danielle comes to life. During the process I still see Dave overall until the wig goes on and then it is almost an out of body experience seeing a semi-attractive female staring back who looks so different from Dave. This is highlighted even more when I am posing in lingerie in my boudoir photos. So I guess I would have to say when I am fully transformed I am Danielle and Dave is way in the background. This is confirmed by the main reason my wife decided she was uncomfortable seeing Danielle in person was she was looking at a completely different personality than her husband. She claimed I even behaved differently...well it's not like I clomp around in high heels like a lumberjack... and says I even sound different. I don't put on a female voice, basically impossible with my deep bass voice, but she said I was quieter. I guess I should actually take it as a backhanded compliment that she finds my feminine presentation kind of disturbing and so much of a different personality living inside me.

I guess this question is mainly directed to those of you at a similar place to me in the transgender spectrum and not those on a transition timeline but all comments are certainly welcome.

xxx
Danielle

[Pixie_94]

Why would I be someone else? I simply used to continue with my day or night if I dressed up.

[Micki_Finn]

Well before we can really answer this question, what do we mean by “being [name]”? When I’m in drag, I AM Micki Laporte. But what does that mean? I don’t have different preferences, tastes, or memories. My personality is a bit more intense. I don’t know that I’d call that different.

So yes, when I’m dressed, I am Micki... but that’s because Micki is me, so in a way I am still just my boy self too.

[Rachelakld]

"just a crossdresser" but....
Rachel is a separate entity.....
Rachel sometimes switches "in" (with my permission) even when I'm in male mode....
Yes it's annoying when switching if it's unplanned, "like wrong clothes !"

Rachel has been missing for 7 weeks, I don't really care if she never comes back, 2 years is the longest she's ever been gone so far.

Co-consciousness is fun :)

[Georgina]

I am the same person always with the same likes and dislikes. The only thing that changes is posture and that is due to the clothes.

[Karmen]

I'm just a guy who like to wear women's clothes. Never really wanted to go further. I guess, I'm just me all the time, just dress to the occasion.

[DianeT]

I like to see my male figure and features dissolve and transform in more feminine ones. I'm curious to see how I could have looked if I had been born a girl. But it is just a shell. I am still me once dressed. Not a woman. A great part of the experience is looking at my physical transformation and being deliciously troubled by it, being in awe that I could look like that. If I had somehow the impression that it wasn't me but just another woman then that troubling sensation would go away and there would be no more incentive for me.
I understand the part about the clothes subtly changing your body movements. It's something I find very interesting and funny. Some crossdressers say that they feel like sharing the experience of women when crossdressing because of small things like having to cross your legs, making small steps in skirts and heels, etc. I would not call this feeling feminine, it's just a small rendezvous point between a crossdresser's experience and the experience of a female who would be wearing the same clothes. But even if it is a very narrow scope, it still amuses me a lot. I remember the first time I wore high heels and had to pick up something on the floor. It's like, Ting! That is why women in heels do it that way! Men just bend. It's fun. Superficial, but fun.

[jacques]

Hello Danielle,
I am the same person wearing different clothes.
Just like I wear overalls and safety boots when I am painting the house; I wear waterproof clothes and walking boots when I am hiking; I wear a dress and make up when I am relaxing; I wear a nightie when I am sleeping....
luv J

[Paulie Birmingham]

I'm just a randier version of myself

[Judy-Somthing]

Hello Danielle,
I feel basically the same way.

I don't know if I'm CRAZY but I kind of feel it's like being with another woman. is that cheating?

[Michelle123]

I guess basically, I am still me, but my mannerisms definatly change. I try to sit in a more feminine manner, I walk in a more feminine manner, and I generally just feel more feminine. In fact...Since I dress almost all the time at home, I find it more challenging now to remember to forgo these feminine mannerisms when I am out of the house. Especially since I am underdressed most of the time when I am out.

[GretchenM]

Danielle - I think you are just fine. This is not a one size fits all type of thing. You are what used to be called bigender - two distinct behavior patterns. It is the more common form. Cogender is where the same personality transfers off between the two gender expressions. (That's me.) But in my mind you are more than a cross-dresser. You are a type of transgender person when using the older more generalized definition of transgender rather than the newer definition which mostly applies to those who are at various points in transition. That was called transexual, but it seems that transgender has taken over transexual because of the negative aspects of the word transexual. Now bigender and cogender are included in the non-binary category. And it is only one of many types of non-binary. That said, it all may change tomorrow. Hard to keep up with all the shifting around of definitions.

You look great and you are obviously very pleased with your current configuration. It may change. It may not. It is unpredictable. But enjoy who you are.

One comment though. You used the term "male brain." That is still thought to exist by many, but all the recent evidence points to there not being any such thing as a male or female brain. Neuroscientific research over the last few years shows male and female brains are not identical, but the brains of females and males are far more similar than they are different. And the differences are just barely significant statistically. So, the most modern thinking that has yet to really reach far into the general public is the the concept of the existence of distinct male and a female brains cannot be supported with evidence.

However, research also shows that the brains of about 92% of people are a blend of structures that exhibit male-like, female-like, and intermediate configurations that we utilize for different situations to get through daily life. (About 4% are completely intermediate form and 2% are pure female-like or male-like configurations.)

I certainly don't know, but I suspect your brain is a fairly equal mix of male-like and female-like configurations with a good deal of intermediate configurations. That exists because, through brain plasticity, your brain has wired itself in that way because that pattern is most workable with other structures in your brain. It produces a complete package. But keep in mind that brain plasticity is always at work and so those percentages are always shifting one way or another as you encounter new experiences.

This is what is called the gender mosaic which is a theory with a great deal of very solid evidence supporting it that contends that we are all a blend of configurations that are often seen in males and in females plus a lot of configurations that have little or nothing to do with gender. It has now essentially been confirmed that gender and sex have very little overlap and the idea that your sex determines your gender is hogwash. They are almost independent. Your sex is determined by genetics and is fixed. Your brain and your gender are each founded in genetics but is primary a highly flexible collection of structures that can change in the way they are wired according to experiences. Your gender is linked to your social brain which interprets your environment in a social context and creates a mountain of behaviors that fit, so to speak, a summary of your experiences. Your brain can switch between different neural pathways as needed to fit a particular array of environmental conditions that are present at the moment so you can interact in that environment. It is the neural pathways that change with rewiring through brain plasticity. In short, you are who you are because of your always changing brain's ability to alter your sense of self to fit the environment in which you live. In conclusion, you are doing just fine in your gender expression and sense. No worries about that.

As for the "conflict" in your marital relationship, pick up a copy of Daphna Joel's "Gender Mosaic - Beyond the myth of the male and female brain." It is easy reading and just might help your wife understand a bit more about what is going on in you and also understand what is going on in her and where the disagreement and confusion is coming from. Both of you should read and discuss what Dr. Joel is saying. She is one of the pioneers and main mover and shaker in modern gender theory and is a neuroscience and psychology professor at Tel Aviv University and is widely published and well known in the field. The book is written for mere mortals like us.

[NancySue]

Interesting question. I don?t think I?m someone else, but I definitely spend more time and concentration on details...especially makeup. I dress slowly.enjoying every minute of the feelings I experience...especially nylons and my bra...which color? I can?t pass a mirror without looking to see if there?s any room for improvement. I?ve been known to take something off and start over. So, yes, I guess, I am someone else, however, I don?t act more feminine.

[alwayshave]

Danielle, It's just me, maybe a happier version of me, but just me.

[BarbDriscoll]

Back when AOL chat rooms were a thing, I would often participate as Barbara. Initially it was because I was full time caregiver for my mom and in the caregiver chat rooms there were women who had a hard time dealing with a man taking care of his mother. It was a lot easier as Barbara.

Chat room Barbara was different from male me. She was funnier and more spontaneous. Sometimes she would surprise me. I found myself getting into character. Probably something akin to what actors do. And I was fully accepted as Barbara. Something unlikely to happen in real life.

When I dress I become Barbara in much the same way. It’s me, but a different me.

[ShelbyDawn]

Interesting question and even more interesting answers. I love to get insights into the why's and how's of others in this forum.

For me, it's always just me, but much more relaxed and comfortable when I ma dressed.

[Robertacd]

I identify as transgender and as I have said many many times on this board. DRAG or DRAB, I am the same person, with the same thoughts, fears, and desires. There is no woman living inside of me that has to be let out while "the guy" hides away. "Dressing" for me is just wearing the clothes of the gender that I identify with, there is no transformation into someone or something else.

[Jenny22]

I'm TG and should have been born a female. I fully dress every day (no wig and only lipstick) and begin every day as my feminine self in appearance and mind. But, even then I might go into male thinking when I see something 'male' that interests me.

[Pumped]

I am the same guy, but in a dress.

Maybe one should ask if how much it goes the other way? Who are you in your male clothing?

[MarinaTwelve200]

Someone ELSE---As far as I can get away from the real, and male ME. I find Crossdressing is A vacation from myself" Where I can totally RELAX and unwind, free from my personal and male responsibilities and concerns. (And have the company of a fairly attractive woman too--even if it IS ME at the moment.) This is quite different from one who already identifies as "Female" which I would think is somewhat more really "TS" anyway . That's why I say that CD is not a condition in itself but a TOOL used by a wide spectrum of people for various psychological effects to help with a variety of different needs. I call my condition "Escapist" where I CD to "Escape Myself" Those who identify with Females use CD to help affirm their identities. While others may use it for SM Humiliation, Fetishism, Sexual gratification or several other reasons. ---------We cannot assume people CD for only ONE reason like "identifying as female" for example---But MANY DO seem share that reason somewhat more than the rest of us.

[carhill2mn]

When I am presenting as a woman I try my best to also act and react as a woman might, not as my male self would. So, it seems as if am someone else.

[Star01]

If I am so complicated that I can't even understand myself and therefore cannot describe myself is that even a thing? I feel comfortable enough to do a reveal of sorts and I have alluded to this in the past. I selected my CD name Star as a user name for an email account years ago. It was an instantaneous decision, I have a star tattoo just above my privates of a star with wings. My name is Sta_ so when pressed to come up with that user name I thought of my tattoo and how changing the last leter resulted in Star. When I registered on this forum Star came up as already taken though I have never seen any posts by anyone using that handle so I added the digits 01 and it accepted the name. After coming up with the name I feared that it might project an over the top opinion of myself but I can assure you that I am not a movie star or any such thing.

So do I think of myself as Star when dressed en femme? That question is as complicated as my efforts to define myself and therapy has only raised more questions. If I'm in car fixin' mode then I'm not thinking about wearing dresses, I am careful not to damage my nails but aside from that I'm focused on the task at hand and not thinking about gender. My DADT and lack of a proper wardrobe precludes anything beyond panties and red toenail polish which are both stealth things. When I'm not working around the house and have time to reflect I sometimes look in the mirror and imagine myself as a woman. My pre-shelter-in-place situation provided ample opportunities to dress as a woman and I strongly believe that the more I can dress the more relaxed and myself that I feel. On the other hand, a long hot bath and shaving my entire body and plucking my eyebrows is always present. If I were to attempt to describe myself I"d probably say that I'm part man, part woman and sometimes I have a need to be all man or all woman depending on circumstances. I imagine myself having breasts and a shapely figure but have no desire to wear breast forms. If it can't be real it doesn't do much for me although I suspect that I might think differently if I could dress more as the more I dress the heavier the fog tends to get. It's as if I'm momentarily who I am deep down inside if that makes any sense but if it doesn't make sense I guess that's why I'm going to therapy, to try and make some sense.

So to answer the question, do I think of myself as Star when I dress? Yes I do and it doesn't always require being dressed, sometimes the feeling comes over me and I think of myself in that way. Sometimes I think that I should have made a better name choice but I didn't chose my male name, just learned to live with it, so I dismiss the thought and go with Star. If I was one to go out in public dressed as a woman I might come up with a variation like Starlene or something on that order so I could retain the name star without giving off signals that I think I'm a movie star or something. It has nothing to do with that, it just happened on the spur of the moment and stuck so why change it now. If I had the opportunity to dress sexy I could get used to it but it sounds like a drag queen name and would make me a bit uncomfortable telling people that it's my name.

[GracieRose]

I'm still me. I just feel more free to let the kinder, gentler, more social, feminine side of me out rather than presenting the behavior that I have been encouraged to exhibit by society from an early age. I think that I feel more free to be my true self, and that makes me a happier person.

[Marcella59]

I am still the same person. I do tend to change my posture and be more comfortable.

[docrobbysherry]

I know some dressers who say when they change their clothes, they change their sexual orientation!:eek:

I've met 100's of dressers. Most don't change identities. We r who we r no matter how we're dressed.:brolleyes:

However, when most of us change clothes, there's DEFINITELY an attitude change!:devil:

[DanielleDubois]

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. Not unexpectedly, as with many questions asked on the forum there is no one simple straightforward explanation . Danielle is a female persona I create for myself. It is a feminine illusion but not a delusion , I still realise it is Dave underneath all the makeup etc. The illusion is easily shattered when I have answered the phone while being Danielle and I see Danielle in the mirror but Dave's very male voice is talking. That's when the huge incongruity hits me as Danielle is strictly a stay at home girl and has never experienced interacting with anyone in public. Overall I have to truthfully say I am content with the balance I maintain with my male/female brain.

Special thanks to GretchenM , I will definitely investigate the book "Gender Mosaic"

[Pumped]

I suppose I could add, I do act more feminine dressed, but I am still the MIAD. I don't have a female name I used while dressed. I suppose if I were to somewhat pass and ventured out in public like many do I would want a female name, but since I don't venture out of the house I just answer to what my wife feels like calling me at the time.

[Tracii G]

I am still the same person why wouldn't I be?

[Shely]

I think sometimes it's like, I am "the other woman" and I am having an fling with myself.

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Danielle. We have a lot of similarities from what I read into your post. Like you, the final top off is the wig and it has always felt like a wow moment when I look in the mirror. One big difference is that I started going to bars and clubs since the summer of 2017. I have become MUCH more outgoing when dressed. Granted I usually have a few drinks and that has some effect. I will say I am a lot more fun when dressed. I love hanging out with women but would be too shy in drab mode to walk up to a pretty women and say anything. It is so much easier when I am Sandi. It is very weird to me, but very addicting. People have been very accepting which makes it all the more fun.

Haha, one last thing. Judy made a comment that I can relate to very much.

Sandi

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Danielle :hugs:, To me it is just seeing the pretty lady in the mirror smiling back at me., >Orchid .oO:daydreaming:O..

[lingerieLiz]

I'm the same person what ever I have on. When I was in my late teens and passed I did act different when dressed. But I think much of that was because I didn't want people to know that I wasn't really a girl. I acted much like the girls that were my age and wore the same clothes. I was never attracted to guys but enjoyed going to dances as a girl or went cruising the drive inns.

[Helen_Highwater]

I could ponder this question for hours and hours and still not come up with what I would call a definitive answer.

When I dress I act differently, my mannerisms alter and the best reason I can offer is I don't want to look like an ape in a dress.

The phrase, "It's more than the clothing" has been used many times here and I guess for me that's true. I want the world to see my femme charactaristics. Why wear heels if you don't want to walk the walk. To have that motion.

Now it is possibly an act, a character part in life's story but over the years as I've grown to accept this part of me, slipping into character has be come automatic, something I don't think about. Clothes on, click the switch gets turn on.

It's not total separation. In drab I sit with my legs crossed, I suddenly realise I'm walking more from the hips, that hint on a sway.

Is it any different to a GG who works doing a job that means they getting dirt and grease all over them who then goes home, gets cleaned up and goes out having, "Scrubbed up nicely" to wow the boys? A life of two halves.

[SaraLin]

Well, I think I'm still just me.

BUT

People who know me in both modes say that I change. I'm told my voice gets softer, I move differently, and a I'm happier person.

Um, OK. Who am I to argue?


Recently a good friend comment that he sees me as a mix of both male and female (dressed or not). I agree.

[Teresa]

Danielle,
Setting aside the reference to dress up time I really had to think about changes that may or may not occur .

I remember sometime ago stating that if I went full time I would still be the same person , basically I am but with subtle changes . Finding a balance with my dysphoria has released a hidden part of me or an aspect I could never show as a man . I guess this raises the question , which part of my life is an act ? To answer that I simply ask myself which aspect am I happier and more content , the answer to that is a " No brainer !"

If I can turn the tables and ask if you were able to go full time without your current DADT how would you then answer your own question ?

Also if I may ask if you didn't have to fight or struggle for the time with your " Dress up " situation , without that challenge would you still want or need to do it ?

[Raychel]

I am still just the same person, Raychel never steps out the door, so there is no real reason
to act any different then I do normally,

I like to dress in women's clothes, does not make a different person in any way at all.

[Star01]

And I am reading my post again and the subsequent replies and laughing at myself and my habit of overthinking everything in my lengthy responses. Please forgive me, I have a lot of unanswered questions and enough exploring to keep busy for the rest of my life.

[MaryAnn1963]

Jamie said...."Danielle, It's just me, maybe a happier version of me, but just me"

That so sums it up... but I would have to ad "the happiest version of me":) I never feel such joy as when I'm dressed.

[Vale]

Maybe slightly bi gendered? Both my ex and my current wife will tell you that ?yes there is also a girl in there.? For me it seems the core (moral compass?) is the same but I express things differently and do have somewhat different boy mode and girl mode personalities. It?s fun that way, and I don?t feel any reason to try to change anything

Love, vale. .

[KymG]

Im still me.
A more relaxed me and in a comfortable space that I don't often get to. Almost like meditating I suppose.
I cant explain why, just that feeling.

[Heather2die4]

My dog knows it's me and she is not biased by all the social conditioning that we humans get caught up in, therefore, it's me; but expressing a different part of my amazing and complex personality. Consider the Chinese pictogram of yin and yang. Heather is the beautiful dot of feminine at the center of my yang persona. Together, we make a healthy, happy, integrated whole person. I love this life.

[countrygirl]

I feel I turn into Amanda as I slowly progress in putting items on and finally when I look in the mirror and relize that I have finally brought my female side into view.

[DanielleDubois]

If I can turn the tables and ask if you were able to go full time without your current DADT how would you then answer your own question ?

Also if I may ask if you didn't have to fight or struggle for the time with your " Dress up " situation , without that challenge would you still want or need to do it ?

No problem answering your questions. I have never had even an inking of desire to be full time. I throughly enjoy everything about being and presenting a very male personality the 99.9 % time I am not Danielle. I am not in a DADT situation as my wife is fully aware of my Danielle activities. She is supportive of my Danielle needs and we can discuss anything Danielle related. The only boundary is she is not comfortable seeing Danielle in photos or in person.

As for your second question since there is no DADT there is no struggle for finding dress up time. Danielle days are by mutual agreement on days that she will be out. We are currently still self isolating so we have discussed I can have Danielle time behind the closed door of our bedroom for several hours while she is busy in the garden etc. I am fortunate she is so understanding and she always asks me how things went after a Danielle day. I have realized many years ago my need to and wanting to become Danielle occasionally is never going to go away.

Thanks for the questions,
Danielle

[MonicaPVD]

I am myself, only with the volume turned down a couple of notches. I speak a little softer, tone down the gestures, walk a lot tighter, just try to act a lot less like the entitled (sometimes obnoxious) male that I am. It works. People from all walks of life, of all ages, treat me entirely like a woman even though I don't try to change my voice or act particularly feminine. It took me a long time to figure this out.

[JessikaSometimes]

I've always thought of it like a coin.
Heads up, I'm a man.
Tails up, I'm a girl.

I keep each gender totally separate.
I am not out, this helps me hide.

I am the coin. Both sides are me.
I can control which side shows.

I am bi but only engage with the opposite gender that I am portraying.
I currently have a gf, so my girl side gets no love. lol

Each side has its own quirks, but they are all me.

[Asew]

I am myself. Even more myself when I dressup :)

[Alice Torn]

Diane T, That sounds a lot like me too. I am amazed what the hose, bra, girdle, heels, dress, wig, and make up, earrings, glasses do ! I am a little troubled too, as i sometimes would like to be with a man treating me as a lady. I am one guy starved for female beauty, lifetime single, and i do dress up to resemble a very tall lady, or what i wuld have been if born one. I am not a different person though, as it is just apart of the whole complex me.

[Krisi]

I don't think it's possible to "be someone else". Strapping on a pair of boobs doesn't change who you are or how you feel. How could it? Could you like country music as a male and pop music just by strapping on a pair of boobs? Could you be a republican as a male, but a democrat just by strapping on a pair of boobs?

I'll admit to trying to act differently when presenting as a female, but that's just how I carry myself, how I walk and talk, etc., but it's still me.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
I'm not asking this question to be offensive but when I read your replies I wonder what really drives your need and what you get out of presenting as female . You never mention dysphoria and indeed you never really say you enjoy dressing and it makes you happy . I know you often call it a hobby which I find hard to swallow but if I wasn't driven by dysphoria I possibly wouldn't be Teresa , in pursuing that I've found real happiness and contentment .

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Danielle,
I am still me. I never even thought of being "Brenda", I just needed the name to join here. But your questions do give me pause to ponder, I do act differently, talk differently, walk differently, and look differently. But it is still me.
Thanks for the thought of the day:)