Ah $#/%! Here we go again.

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone.

The urges are back and at a very bad time, when I can't later wash anything without a high chance of being discovered at home.

I haven't been able to go to therapy for obvious reasons, but there's also good news and it's that I finally have a job, so any expenses may be possible soon.

So yeah, I don't know how or why, after a while of trying to stay away from all this (and trying to stop liking to crossdress, again), I don't only want to wear anything from my stash, but also to buy new stuff, like a dress, some high heels, maybe a swimsuit... Am I screwed or what's happening? Is this the "pink fog" some of you say?

In case someone thinks I'm somewhere in the US or UK, no, I'm a 25 year old guy from Costa Rica, a country where anything with CDing doesn't have a good image (often related to prostitution or very dysfunctional relationships).

[kimdl93]

You?re only human and humans come with a wide variety of interests. I worked with a guy who was absolutely obsessed with model railroad trains. Another co-worker obsessively planned his workday, down to 10 minute increments (not for billing purposes, just personal need). My first wife could not rest if a single unwashed item was in the sink.

I?m glad you are getting back to work and have the prospect of starting counseling soon. If I recall, you had some issues with depression, and there is great hope for improvement through cognitive behavioral therapy, so be optimistic! And your therapist/counselor , because it may be able to help you learn to cope with and manage your particular interests. As my psychologist said long ago, ?its not a crime, you know.? Its just a thing you can learn to live with and hopefully learn to enjoy.

[Pixie_94]

Hey, Kim!

You recall my issues more or less well. Yes, there's the depression or at least depressive traits, there's also my previously low self-esteem, guilt and shame, maybe not as much of the former, but shame is still there.

I in fact told my therapist about all those things and my CDing. She even said my social enviroment was dysfunctional, however, I don't know much of what to do about this at the moment. I even have dreams where I do it, either partially or some where I simply look fabulous.

[kimdl93]

Well, its good that your dreams are positive. During my episodes of depression my dreams were very dark...and even at the best of times, the content of my dreams generally reflect an underlying tone of frustration. Its just my nature.

With a job on the near horizon, you?ll have the opportunity to make some changes in your social environment. Use your resources wisely, find living circumstances that are affordable and independent to the greatest possible extent, and begin living on your own terms.

[Pixie_94]

I'm not too sure about independency at the moment, especially with all that's happening this year, and I'm not even delving into economy too much.

[docrobbysherry]

Pixie, the most important advice I can give u is, u r very young! And, in 5 years, everyone and everything will change. Most importantly? U will!:heehee:

Try to be patient with your current situation. Dealing with the guilt and shame from wanting to dress is quite normal. I struggled with it for about 15 years. However, as I was told by everyone on this site, over and over, what I'm doing is not harmful to anyone else and is none of anyone's business but mine! Finally, I got past the negative feelings.:thumbsup:

I think if u found ways of dressing in private u would be able to work thru your issues sooner. But, I understand where u live dressers r NOT accommodated! So, be careful, be smart, and be patient. Things will change for u, I promise!:)

[Pixie_94]

Yeah, maybe I'm young, but I'm not sure about the future of my hairline, it's still recovering (I guess). Is there a tip for this?

[suzanne]

I'm sorry to know about your environment being unfriendly to CDs. Your urges are not all that different from mine, but you lack safe opportunities. I hope there's a chance your situation changes, or that you can change your situation by moving away.

[Pixie_94]

There might be a chance for a change, as you say, Suzanne. I'm not sure when, but I know these chaotic times are fuel for many changes. If I shall take a path, moving away is still not an option (at least not a prudent one), I still have some things to do for my family and I don't know if that may be some sort of redemption in their eyes. I can only say I want some peace, but peace with others too. Some stories I have heard from others tend to go on about breaking contact, bonds or the like and I can only consider those as depressing and that's not what I want in my life either.