Telling Friends

[Stephanie205]

As I am evolving and becoming more comfortable with going out dressed I am trying to decide and how to approach the subject with friends. A bit of background so you can give advice I live in Canada in Nova Scotia in one of it cities which in some respects still has the small time town feeling where people seems to know each other even if they do not live in the same town. Also Canadians are so polite to the point they will not say things even to friends so as not to offend them. So with my CDing I have lived a double life my male side which most of the world sees and my female life that very few people have seen. I have come to the point were I am tired of the double life and want the freedom of not worrying that I will run into friends while in fem mode. The help I need is how do you approach the subject with friends to tell them of my cding.

[Samm]

I'm no expert, but maybe start wearing more feminine things, little by little, and more often around your friends and in everyday life.
They probably wouldn't even notice for a while.

[kayegirl]

I'm not going to say that this is how you should do it but, I had a professional make over with numerous photos. I selected my favourites then showed them to my friends and asked if they recognised the subject. Only one out of around 8 or 9, actually recognised me, and incidentally only one, not the same person, reacted in a negative way.

[Robertacd]

Frankly I haven't bothered "coming out" to any friends except for one that doesn't live near me anymore. I just go about my way, if I run into someone I know while dressed I deal with it right then and there.

I see no reason to stress over it or schedule meetings for it.

[Dannigirl]

Hi, I would agree with Roberta. I have been CD'ing for decades, the only one that knows is my wife and she is fine with it. I haven't told any friends at all and I have MANY friends and a few relatives that have an alternative lifestyle so I know they would be accepting, but I don't feel the need to tell them. If they caught me then no problem, I would deal with it then. As I have read on here 1,000,000++ times - you can't un-ring the bell.

[NancySue]

I?m with Dannigirl. Been dressing since youth. I told my wife before nuptials...honestly thinking she?d leave, but She accepted my cding and now is completely supportive and has been very helpful. To my knowledge, no one else knows and we are happy to keep it that way. We live in a small community that can be very gossipy and nosey...and hypocritical....smile, but behind your back? And...once the cat?s out of the bag...it?s a new ball game. Life is great...as is.

[StevieTV]

I would suggest beginning to wear more fem clothing and accessories. If your friends comment on them, just say you like them. That may get the conversation started. this is how I "came out". My female friend asked me about a bracelet and ring I was wearing and I told her I fancy them. She later started kidding me about my tastes in a good way. Eventually she asked me if I was gay. I said yes and all she said was she thought so. No big deal.

[jacques]

hello Stephanie,
If your close lifelong friends are true friends it should not affect your friendship - if you plan to visit their houses dressed fully femme the it would be polite to ask them if it is OK before you do, so that it does not come as a shock.
For friends and acquaintances that you meet in the street or cafes (and the like) then ask yourself if it is important to "come out" or just dress as you wish as if it is the normal you.
If you decided to change your male clothing style would you feel the need to explain your choice or would you just do it?
stay healthy,
luv J

[abby054]

Changing little by little usually works for many things, until you meet someone that you have not seen in a long time.

[Bobbi46]

Telling is a very big thing and once started there is no nkowing where it might end up, for me not telling and keeping it a secret as such began to eat away at me. A friend who had drifted away because of my ex wife's lack of total acceptance that she was trans gender was the friend that I reconnected with after my wife left me and subsequently confided in. This very first "telling" gave me the strength that I needed to enable me to "come out" properly and slowly and surely my life opened up but not without glitches along the way, the losing of to friends (couples), but as has been pointed out to me often since then " how true were they as friends?" has rung true well and truly since then.
If ones explanations, (fully and frankly) are given, I believe this softens the often unsaid surprise of telling in the first instance and often leads to the same strength of friendship continuing.

[Micki_Finn]

When someone asks how to come out to their friends, “Don’t do it” isn’t particularly helpful advice. I’d recommend AGAINST the “slow burn” approach that some seem to be advocating. Your friends WILL notice and they will likely be a little freaked out by it, especially if you don’t say anything.
The first thing to do is figure out WHICH friends you want to tell. If you just want to live full time en femme, then you’re pretty much going to have to tell everyone. If you can narrow it down to the friends you think you’ll actually dress with/in front of, that will lighten the burden. Once you have your list, just sit each one down one by one and be honest. Tell them that it’s a part of you that’s been with you for a long time and you hope they can accept that part of you in their lives. If they can’t, find better friends.

[Stevie Lane]

True friends will stick by you and be supportive. Some may react badly at first but just need time to get used to the idea. If not, they are not worth knowing. In this day and age I think most folk are OK with it (at least to your face).

[ShelbyDawn]

I dated a wonderful woman a few years ago. It didn't work out because of distance and some issues with her family; her daughter needed her and that meant pretty much no time for us.
Anyway, when I knew it was getting serious, I took her to dinner and told her the truth, that when my marriage started to die, I turned to dressing to deal with the stress, I then just let her ask questions.

She asked why, I told her I had no idea, it made no logical sense, it just helped me relax and felt right.
She asked how long, I told her since I was five or six, off and on as opportunity allowed until things got bad.
She asked me if I still did it, I told her no, except for panties which I found very comfortable, which was the truth at the time, but that I had a stash of clothes that I kept just in case.
She asked if I thought it would come back, I told her it always seems to, I had purged three times by the time I met her.
She asked if I wanted to be a woman, I told her no, I just liked to dress up.
A few weeks later, she showed me an email she had received from a friend of my ex-wife's, it was a pretty scandalous expose of what I had already told her and just made my ex and her friend look like jerks, We had a good laugh.

We dated for two years before she told me about the issues with her daughter and still talk from time to time.

My point is, be honest, don't make it bigger than it is and then answer any questions as honestly as possible, if they're your friends, they will understand, if not, then who care what they think and it's good you found out.

[Micki_Finn]

The sad truth is that there are a lot of people that are “ok” with it, but still don’t want to be associated with it for whatever reason.

[Patience]

1) Make some kind of list of the people you want to come out to.
2) Follow said list.

OK, there's more to it than that. When I first started coming out, I picked my closest friend, the one I knew wouldn't hold this against me and just spilled my guts out. It felt good to let it out. After the first one, it got easier. I told the story of my second coming out here. (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?258556-Coming-out-to-friends-can-be-so-unpredictable!&highlight=)

To tell the truth, now I think about it how you do it is less important than how close you are to the people you're coming out to. Until this covid business broke out, I had a friend I used to meet for lunch once a month. On one such occasion, I just let him find me en femme. You can read that story here. (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?260135-Outing-6-Just-got-home&highlight=)

I have also come out to a creative collective I belong to. In this situation, I just started showing up to meetings wearing nail polish and talking to people individually, then I started showing up crossdressed to events. That last story has an example of that too and I'm gratified for not having to feel like I'm hiding something. Also makes for good inside jokes with friends.

[Leslie Mary S]

I want to so much come out but if I did it I would be putting my life in jeopardy and would have to move. My neighbors around here are very narrow minded. I can not afford to move.

[Angela Marie]

Outside of my wife and a few ex girlfriends no one knows. One of the points that a few posters brought up was wearing more femme clothes. I am a leggings fanatic and I always wear them to the gym and when I run. Over the past few years I have taken to wearing them almost full time around the house and outside. My neighbors see me and I have never had a negative comment. Whatever their personal views are I don't know; but it does not appear to, in any way, have affected our day to day dealings.

[JenniferR771]

My suggestion. Come out to people not close to you at first. Sales associates at stores, for instance. Thrift stores. Maybe the girl that cuts your hair. Convenience stores. Makeup counters. Shoe store. This will build your confidence--providing there are no negative reactions. If negative reactions--switch stores. Also, if you can join a support group--this is helpful.
A support group where the wives sometimes attend will help build your confidence. Talk with them--get fashion advice.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
I realise you are wishing or hoping to retain the friends you have . Before you go down that road how much do you want to be out , some of the time or full time ? There is a big difference to telling people and the reality of them seeing you so I agree with others that pictures work initially it does help with validation . Also are you happy with your presentation or do you feel you need to work on it , it's important that you are comfortable so you can be confident with meeting them .

It is surprising how much you have to spell it out to people , its taken some people I've known in male mode several minutes before the penny dropped , so far I haven't had one bad experience , I have gained more friends than I've lost . I will add that once you take that step it will change your World , there's no going back on your decision , that can be the hardest part sustaining the presentation .

A question like this always opens up the debate of telling or not ? Personally I see it as still hiding , I know some fear the loss of family or job but nowdays acceptance is much better, being TG is nothing to be ashamed of . Most of the fears are in our heads the reality is never as bad as we feared . The other point is we don't know the whole truth about our friends , there are possibly things they may not be telling you , I've had more people come out to me about their own situation eversince they knew I was TG .

[kimdl93]

It seems this all depends on degrees of separation. Is your family informed? If they are good with it, then I guess I would consider the relative closeness of relationships with friends. There are those long term, very close relationships that are almost like family, and I think they merit a similar level of consideration. Translate that into tell them in person beforehand, without expectations of any kind. For those in the next orbital level, define it as you may, but i would say those people you occasionally do things with and/or encounter due to common interests, a less intimate heads up may be sufficient. For people beyond that level, not close but recognizable, it?s probably ok to give them note or maybe just let things happen.

[Jean 103]

I completely understand the small town thing. It is why I was forced to come out.

I had been leaving town so I could go out.

Than I started hanging out at a local bar. I was starting to make new friends.

This is a small town, people talk, make stuff up, whatever. One of the things was that I was an undercover police officer. I found out about this and some other things when I was given a talking to by the bar manager. She and the other women had taken me in, accepted a as one of them.

I was a bit out of line, her words"if you are going to look like a lady then act like one". She has done so much for me

Anyway, at that point in time I had to make a choice. Come out a to stop the rumors, or walk away. I told her who I am, dropped names to back up what I said.

As this is a small town, I than came out at work.

Afterwards it was strange, it didn't make any difference. Other than my new freedom.

I work in guy mode and live in girl mode basically. My best friend thinks it's great, that I can wear whatever I want.

But that is not really the case. If I do guy mode other than for work it upsets me. Also consistency helps, there are many places I will only go in girl mode.

[abby054]

Leading a double life is not a good thing. I get it but there are worse things in life than that. Coming out to a disapproving spouse or social circle is one of them. Be careful.