I'm intrigued about something

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone! I hope you are having a nice day.

I have been less busy recently, so I have had some more time to think about life and much more, so here's my question:

How did you get over any sort of guilt and/or shame?

What specific things would be good for me to do? (Pls, nothing about buying a dress and posting pics of me here).

[Debra Russell]

your doing nothing wrong - ignore the feeling as learned guilt, dress and move on...…………...Debra

[Helen_Highwater]

Pixie,

The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel. Guilt is a consequence of believing you're doing something wrong. It's drummed into many of us from all sides from an early age. Gay and transvestite folk were the target of cruel humour portrayed as caricatures on radio, TV, and stage for decades.

Times have moved on. Homosexuality once illegal in the UK no longer is. Once hidden in the shadows now openly gay people are celebrities appearing on their own shows on prime time TV. Our problem is learning to accept that like Gays, we have the protection of the law in many countries. We're not criminals or perverts. You are the person you are and you do no harm. Those that seek to ridicule or harm us are the ones in the wrong.

[Joyce Swindell]

I've found that having a supportive wife has been extremely helpful on this issue. Someone who accepts you as you are.
I also agree with Helen..."The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel."

[NatashaHexx]

I also have a supportive wife. In the past couple years I have been making an effort to build a support system of people that support my dressing. Its helped not only with dealing with the shame, but its done wonders for my general mental health as well.

[Robertacd]

You have to accept yourself, even if that means haveing to accept something about yourself that you don't want to accept.

I spent 40+ years looking for any explanation for dressing besides TG, and I tried them all from "it's just a panty fetish" to "it's AGP". Sure they made me feel better for a while but I knew deep inside that I was lying to myself so the guilt remained.

My guilt did not go away until I accepted that I am Transgender.

[Brenda Freeman]

I attended a tgirl event in 2005, and for the first time saw over 150 tgirls from all over in person. There was quite a variety of experience, from first timers to years of attending, and I noticed so many were so comfortable out in public and having fun and very encouraging and supportive. I have attended this event many times gaining more confidence each year and now help new girls, I always remember the past fear and guilt, knowing there are so many girls like me was eye opening. I also had a proffesional make over while their and for the fist time with proper make up could not believe how good I looked in my eyes anyway, a definite confidence builder. Hopefully there are similar opportunities in Costa Rica.

[Samm]

Hi Pix, as good as dressing made me feel, I would always feel shame and guilt afterwards. Until one day, I realized it wasn't just a part of me, it was who I am. My first and most important step was to just accept myself for who I was. Once I did that, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I joined this forum right at that time also. This was 2012. Later that same year, I met my wife, who is 100% supportive.
My journey isn't over, but I wouldn't be where I am on it, if it weren't for that first step of self acceptance.

[Teresa]

Pixie,
When I finally had the answer that I was born with the trait , I knew then I couldn't change something that was part of me so why should I feel guilty or ashamed of it . From that point I had to come to terms with it , I knew I was alone with it so eventually had to turn to outside help through counselling .

I find it harder and harder to understand what people are afraid of , my family talk about protecting my grandsons , I now ask protecting them from what ? The illogical fears are in their heads not mine .

[Pixie_94]

Helen. That's so similar to something someone told me some days ago. I was looking for advice to see if I shall get rid of this or what, and after telling everything, that person said I should dress more often and experiment more.

Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?

Roberta. Even if it's really uncomfortable, I have tried to do the same for this to more easily repress or supress it. Like the autogynephilia thing or the other one, however, those make me feel even more uncomfortable.

Teresa. How long did that take with the counselling?

[kimdl93]

As my therapist once said, its not a crime, you know. Easy for her to say, I suppose, but its true. From that perspective, there is nothing to feel guilty about. And yet we do. I have learned to distinguish between being transgender, which is OK from some of the regrettable things I did as I can to grips with who I am. So I still feel guilty about the adverse impacts on my first and second wife as I struggled with my gender identity. I still regret not being able to be more honest, less emotionally volatile and compulsive...those things hurt other people and hurt me. The clothes I wear and the gender identity I have come to accept did none of the harm.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Pixie. Things really turned around for me in 2017 when I started going to LGBT bars and clubs where I figured I might be accepted. The level of acceptance by others has been so overwhelming positive, how could I be down on myself when others were so accepting. I realize it can not work for everyone, but socializing while dressed has really helped me to accept myself as the complicated and interesting person that I am. It is unfortunate that I can not be myself around everyone, but I am over it because of the accepting people I have met.

Sandi

[franlee]

I went through the guilt and shame when I 1st started but soon I found my best friend and therapist, the mirror. I simply got down to facing reality and learned to make it work for me. Being true to one's self is my answer.

[Gardener]

The key was to be more open about it. With myself first, ?you are not a weird person?. With my partner, she was not happy. With a couple of other people in my life. My dressing is hugely limited and my desire very controllable, so that is not a problem.

[Jean 103]

It is easy, all you have to do is accept this is who you are.

You don't have to understand or dress.

You accept this is part of you just like breathing. At this point you can start planning the rest of your life.

I don't know how it is where you are. So you need to use your own judgement as far as letting people know, by word or dress.

Putting all that aside. I went looking for the answer a few years ago. I never did answer why, I just ended up accepting this is me.

As this is just how I am and it isn't something I did other than open the door where I have all those feelings locked away.

It is an internal thing that we express externally in different ways.

Once you have accepted yourself, than you can start looking at the guilt and stripping it away. That is if it doesn't just go away, because at this point what's to be guilty about.

I wish you safe passage on your journey.

[Abby-Becca]

Hi Pixie,

You have done nothing wrong and you're not doing anything wrong by dressing. I agree with everything that Helen said, it is society, the media and the people around us that make us feel that we are doing something wrong. Nobody should be made to feel inferior to anyone else, no one is better than us and no one is worse than us, it is our lifestyle and there's nothing to feel guilty about.

Sadly, we've been the figure of fun for far too many years with, so called comics, like the UK's Dick Emery and films/TV programmes that use crossdressers for comedic effect. This has its own influence on how society and people, who have zero experience of our world, see us...well they're a bit weird, they must be perverts...you get the picture and the has the end result of putting guilt onto us. Sorry, I'll switch rant mode off now.

Please, just don't feel guilty for being you.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Pixie

I understand how difficult it can be, not everywhere is accepting of those who crossdress.

Learning to accept yourself is the key, but there are lots of pressure to be "normal". (well what society thinks is normal).

I don't know what resources you have where you are as in counseling availability.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Feeling guilt and shame is a result of feeling that we're doing something wrong. How many times have you heard that "boys don't do that?"

I had to go to therapy to hear someone tell me that there's nothing wrong with crossdressing. So, I'll tell you what my therapist told me. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to crossdress." There, I just saved you thousands of bucks. But I endorse therapy if you think like you need it or want it. And, talking about therapy. Remember that is wasn't that long ago "that you had to be nuts" to go see a "shrink". It's quite normal now, and you don't have to be crazy. I personally have graduated therapy, with a degree in "I'm OK". Also note that in the US (at least), your therapist is required by law to keep your discussions private. Violating that law could get them in a lot of trouble, both professionally and financially.

Just a note. If you look for a therapist, make sure that you find one who has good experience in gender issues. You may still find therapists who believe that "crossdressing is wrong" and that "crossdressing can be cured". That kind of therapist could really send you to therapy.

And to emphasize that, I'll tell you a little story. I got caught. When I got caust, my wife was shal I say, "not very happy." She still isn't, but she does give me permission to go out with CD friends. As if I needed permission, it is my life, but I do keep my CDing down to reasonable levels. Anyhow, I digress. When I got caught, my wife wanted me to "get fixed." She told me to talk to our pastor and get some recommendations on someone to talk to. Funny thing about that, even he didn't think that "I was broken". I thinks his words were, crossdressing is "just a variation of normal."

As for finding a girl, one of my good CD friends told me "her" story. She had been dating a girl for quite a while, and she felt she had to tell her about her CDing. She freaked out; they broke up. Her new plan was to "have the talk" with each girl very early in the relationship before getting serious. She's now married, with two kids, and still dresses. Her wife obviously knows, covers with their kids when she's going out, and even goes out with her every once in a while.

[Teresa]

Pixie,
I've had three separate sessions of counselling . The first guy back twenty years ruled out the possibility of being born TG , I knew I was wasting my time and his so stopped after spending ?180.00.

Twenty years on my GP picked up something in my notes and suggested I get counselling to make sure I didn't have suicidal thoughts anymore , as it was on the NHS I did the course until the counsellor was happy with my mental state . I could have told them that but I did get a great deal of help from her but she wasn't a gender counsellor . I finally got referred to one, again through the NHS , I was due to have 16 sessions but only received 6 as their budgets were cut but I had talked enough to realise I was TG and needed to be free to live it .

I will agree with Jean , you may not get all the answers but it does help in finding yourself . For most of us it is a battle we take on , sometimes we need a little outside help so we shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to seek it , we only have one life , it's up to us to find ways to live it to the best of our ability .

[GretchenM]

Pixie, that is part of who you are. You don't have to dress; that is a choice that many make, but it is not necessary. Your feelings of being, to some degree, a bit female is an integral part of your sense of self. Your sense of self is developed over time and forms as a result of a bit of genetic influence forming a foundation that sets the stage. Can't do anything about that. What occurs after that is mostly the result of the blend of all the experiences you have had in your life. It is what your brain has determined is the best fit for you based on the vast collection of experiences you have had. So, it becomes how you identify yourself and by extension how you fit into the world.

Unfortunately, most societies, but not all, have this idea that there are strict standards of behavior that form our concept of gender. For most, the world is divided into male and female. It is the gender binary. It has worked well for a long time and has become the expectation and assumed to be built into us. IT IS NOT.

The proper solution is to, as others have said, accept who you are and proceed from there. Easier said than done. But just as you convinced yourself to accept the falsehood of the strict gender binary you can convince yourself that gender is variable and you are one of those that is variable and that your sense of self is the proper gender configuration for yourself.

[Samm]

Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?

I can only speak from my own experience... I knew early on, before my wife and I were in a serious relationship, that she was a very open minded person. The 'live and let live' type. Not to mention she identified as bi, and had more than one relationship with other women.
I knew right off, that even if we just stayed friends, that I could have confided in her with my secret. And she would have kept it to herself.

[Stephanie47]

"How did you get over any sort of guilt and/or shame?" is a tough question to come up with an answer. When I was a teenager I was plagued with shame. In the 1960's cross dressing was equated to being a homosexual. I'd have to add to "shame" the feeling of "confusion." On the one hand I lusted after young women and teen movie stars. On the other I was driven to wear my mother's clothing. I could not reconcile the two feelings. Total confusion.

It took many years to come to terms with my desire to wear women's clothing. I've thought many times about what society thinks I and any man should be doing and weighing where I stood on those issues. I was a success. I raised two great kids who have terrific jobs and families. I have had a very great marriage. I worked hard my entire life. I served my country in the military for which I am still paying the price. In some of my posts I have said one should pile all those things on a scale and see where it all balances out. Everything I listed on one side and cross dressing on the other. That balance enabled me to toss out people's negativity towards cross dressing, and, along the way acceptance for anyone who also does not conform to societal norms and expectations.

I still freely admit life would have been and still would be a lot easier if I was not a cross dresser. I accept myself, but, I still have to deal with others who do not share my beliefs. I do not live in a vacuum unto myself.

The only recommendation I have for anyone is to reject anyone who has toxic thoughts about anything; sexuality, sexual orientation, race, creed, color, national origin. Cleanse your soul of any mal thoughts about others or else you're no better than those who do not like who you are.

[Pixie_94]

Steffi. I have actually found a theapist who doesn't see anything wrong with it and deemed my social environment as not the best one, however, I couldn't keep going to other sessions, yet. Also, that about having the talk early in a relationship with a woman sounds a bit risky/scary, to be honest (still unsure if it would be humilliation/roasting fuel).

Teresa. About some things related to this being like a battle where some help may be needed, I think I'm recently getting to understand that point. I'm done with carrying it all by myself.

Gretchen. Me being a bit female? Could you explain this? I mean, I may have a somewhat wide hip (compared to the average in guys), but that's it, my body is actually pretty masculine and even a bit rough in some features.

Stephanie. Funny that you mention that on the last paragraph and that at least regarding sexuality, I'm afraid of it in general.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Steffi. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't see anything wrong with it and deemed my social environment as not the best one, however, I couldn't keep going to other sessions, yet. Also, that about having the talk early in a relationship with a woman sounds a bit risky/scary, to be honest (still unsure if it would be humilliation/roasting fuel).


If you're really a CD or trans, and won't be happy any other way, have the talk early, and if she's not going too be accepting, move on. As you'll read here, it's hard enough finding an accepting woman without wasting a couple of years on one who will never accept. However, if you're bigender,you can try to suppress the other side, and go with the flow.

As for humiliation, you can't be humiliated if you really accept yourself. Easy for me to say, but not do. I live in two compartmentalized worlds: boy world and girl world. Very few know about me in both worlds.

My wife didn't catch me until we had been married about 30 years. She some things that were very hurtful, Number one on the list is that she probably wouldn't have married me if she had known about me before getting married. She tolerates, but will never accept. Like eating a lemon, she'll always make faces. Maybe she thinks I don't see them, but I do. I'm just confident enough where I am that I can live without her acceptance. I'm kind of an old coot; if she were younger, she would likely get a divorce and re-enter the dating pool.

[Pixie_94]

Yeah, maybe I'll try to be as busy as possible, so I don't even think of getting a gf or marrying.

Also, Steffi. Bigender? I looked for the definition, but even like that, I don't understand it. Though, I also guess it would have been a source of confusion for me years ago.

[Patience]

I have a sense, Pixie, that your question has more to do with acceptance than with guilt and shame. Acceptance is the short answer.

I guess at some point one just gets tired of holding back and denying one's true nature. You only live once.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Also, Steffi. Bigender? I looked for the definition, but even like that, I don't understand it. Though, I also guess it would have been a source of confusion for me years ago.


Bigender? To use the baseball analogy, think switch hitter. Sometimes feels like a girl, sometimes feels like a boy, and is relatively happy in both worlds. And, I do mean gender, not bisexual, that's a different kind of switch hitter, someone who is sexually attracted to both males and females. "Sexual attraction" as opposed to "feels like".

I actually think I'm gender fluid. Both male me and female are active simultaneously, but in a spectrum from uber male to uber female.

For example. I'm standing at the deli counter at the supermarket. I notice that he GG next to me is wear a really adorable necklace. I (in this case I mean Steffi) ask her about it. Boy me would never approach a stranger and ask them about their necklace. Found out she got it in Hawaii. Too bad. I was kind of hoping to pick it up at some local store. I (boy me) think the GG is is pretty cute. What does a guy do when he meets s pretty girl. Flirt with her. BTW, she wasn't a stranger b/c Steffi dort of introduced me to her.

Maybe someone else can give a better definition.

[jacques]

hello Pixie,
I got over the shame and guilt by constantly asking myself "why do I feel ashamed?" and years later I still could not find an answer and just enjoy my cross-dressing for what it is.
The other thing I have learnt is to know (and be realistic about) my boundaries - how far I wish to go on the CD spectrum.
We are doing nothing wrong.
Stay healthy,
Luv J

[Denice]

No shame or guilt here. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that maybe in some way I'm violating whatever I'm wearing.

[Devi SM]

Dear Pixie,
Those feelings are a complex answer of something more complex. They can have different sources or reasons. Why do you ask, pls nothing about buying....
Are those feelings as a result of that? This could be a long thread, i thinking will be but you will hear just other's experiences that sometimes can match your own experience like mine, after years, I decide to come out to my wife and was good, now I'm a transsexual living my own true life and keep happily living with the same wife. May be my experience would result overwhelming for you or you would like it and, in either way, you could make the wrong desicions based just in other's experiences, and some times, ignorant opinions So since you post the question in this forum, I assume those feelings, you think, are related with crossdressing.
For all said I would recommend you to go to a therapist. A therapist won't give you answers but will lead you to find them and detect a possible bigger problem as a mental illness that can be treated with medicines.
Mho

Devi

[Katie01]

Good question! For me two things... I was in a relationship with a woman that said I was overthinking and it really was not as big a deal as I had made it out to be. The other was a therapist who pointed out a distinction between secret and private. Both reframed my thinking a lot.

PS I’m making a distinction between TG and CD. I am cd.

[Micki_Finn]

Steffi, I feel like you have that backwards. A bigender person would be a person who identifies as both genders all the time. A gender fluid person would be someone that’s sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl. Their gender changes constantly, or is fluid.

[Frannie7]

Hi Pixie, I think I got over the shame and guilt once I started looking at CDing as part of me and less as a fetish thing to do to get excited. At the same time my taste in clothes changed as well and I felt more comfortable going out.

[Rayleen]

The more you dress, the less guilt yo will have. dressing become part of daily routine.

Specially now with distancing, no ones come banging in at your door. Relax and enjoy the ride Pixie.

[DTelia]

Personally, I really hate the labels that define a condition.

But to answer your question, I have found that surprisingly people don’t care as much as we think they do. I can’t tell you the number of times I started growing my hair, only to wimp out because someone said something, or even worse...I “thought they were looking at me, wondering whatever.” It seriously took me 45+ yrs and some help from Covid to say, “to hell w/it.” And I’ve learned that overtime...as my hair gets longer (10-11” on top or so and good for a great man bun or pony or French braid) that people don’t care...or maybe they ask one question and that’s it. The other day, I had family that asked me about it...one sister-in-law hinted to cut it, and my mother in-law said...”it looks like mine, only that that I’m a woman.” I simply responded with...”That’s nice, I like it and I’m trying something new”

In the older days, I would have headed straight to the barber, but not this time...again, Covid has strangely helped this. I don’t have to be “seen” as much. When my wife heard about the exchanged, she sent her family a note “I heard you guys gave my man some flack for his hair...leave him alone, it looks great, and I like it!” 45 years! I should have done that 20 years ago, but you know what? Styles and acceptances have also changed, so I’ll take it. Sometimes I wish I was born 20 years later, because the boys and girls seem to have a lot more fun w/their hair now but what do you do.

I am VERY blessed to have a supportive wife. She was supportive in the beginning as I disclosed my secret to her, and I took it slow.....painfully slow at times, but my love and respect for her was my motivation to keep it slow and it made ALL of the difference. My wife KNOWS that she is first...and that I love her, would never hurt her, or our kids.

So how do you find someone like this???

ANSWER: Do not look for someone who will like YOUR needs...your XD needs. Find someone you love, someone you would do anything for. Obviously you need to be attracted to them, but that attraction will disappear in weeks if you don’t love each other. When you show her that you are unselfish, when you show her that you aren’t often typical self-centered husband/boyfriend, she will figure out your vulnerabilities faster than you know...she’ll key into it, and may figure out what you like before you say at word.

Obviously, you would want to date or meet someone who isn’t prejudice, etc...but I think that’s less of a concern today.

Be careful though...sometimes Girls want to be the only girl in the relationship if you know what I mean, even if they think that you’re secret is “cute”

Hope this helped.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Steffi, I feel like you have that backwards. A bigender person would be a person who identifies as both genders all the time. A gender fluid person would be someone that’s sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl. Their gender changes constantly, or is fluid.


That's a good reason to dislike labels. Nobody can really agree what the labels mean.

Look at the definition in my signature. I got that from some "reputable" website.

It says that gender fluid is always a pink and blue mixture, sometimes more pink and other times more blue. That's how I feel. Like, I used to go to Sears to look at tools, but on the way to tool, Steffi would see a cute dress and drag me over to take a closer look.

[Leslie Mary S]

Hi Pixie. I do not have any guilt or shame about crossdressing, but I have a great fear for my life where I was living and where I live now.

[JaytoJillian]

...What specific things would be good for me to do?

A counselor skilled in gender issues would be a good place to begin. I went to three different ones who all told me that there was nothing out of the realm of normal human behavior about me. Positive re-enforcement from other people--be they cis, trans, cd, etc. is also a good thing.

[Rachel05]

I am not sure that I actually did anything, I suffered from the guilt and shame when I was younger, as I started to get older, I started to understand me a little better and somewhere along the way I gained total acceptance with who I am

I can say that once that acceptance was there, I enjoyed my dressing more than ever before, it just became natural and I like the me that I am

[Bobbi46]

Knowing and accepting what and who you are is the starting point. guilt and shame within oneself should never be an issue, I dont't care what anybody says to the contrary this has been backed up by medical evidence I have got on a personal basis, WE WERE BORN THIS WAY in whatever level we subsequently became. A French Dr who lectures at a faculty of medecine not far from where I live, confirmed what I felt and had questioned all of those years ago.
Dressing is as normal a way of life as it should be.
Go back centuries When men wore tights and so forth and nobody poked fun or ostracised them at all. It is the way that society has developed that has created the bigotry and hate that is fired at our community so very often.
The way I look at it is this, be you, be proud and most of all feel happy within yourself, once you have that firmly in your grasp dressing will not be something you may feel you need to hide from your neighbours and friends any more.

[Angela Marie]

For those of us who grew up in the 60's the decision to hide our most innermost feelings and desires produced decades of guilt and shame. I still struggle with those feelings today; although in the past few years I have become more and more accepting of my femininity. Somedays it's a step back; but thankfully most of the time it's two steps forward with an increasing level of comfort with my gender.

[Lea]

My acceptance came in several stages over time.

The first was understanding who I am. I grew up pre internet, with parents I could not talk to and the library did not have books about crossdressing. Then one day I saw a Phil Donahue show that featured crossdressers. I knew I was not alone there are others like me.

Then when I was feeling guilty I thought why? My guilt was from western values saying men should not dress and act like women. Why is that? Many times people do not like anything that is not their values or they don't understand so they run others with different values/behaviors down to feel better about themselves. I thought about who I was hurting by dressing? The answer was no one. Does crossdressing make me worse as a person? No. Does my crossdressing hurt society in any way? No.

So I realized there is nothing wrong with it and it just a part of me. It is who I am.

[JamieG]

Like Lea, my acceptance came in stages. Participating in online forums like this was step one. Step two was coming out to my wife, and eventually having her accept that I wasn't broken. Step three was going out to TG support groups to meet other like-minded individuals. Step four was becoming a public ally (in male mode) of LGBT causes. Step five was getting out in public and mingling with civilians, usually far from home and almost always with at least a few TG friends for support.

In summary, getting to know other TG people is important, and although you might find a few creepy or boring, you are bound to meet someone you'll make a real connection with. I have a number of really good friends in the community. The other important aspect is finding acceptance outside the community. On a board like this, or in a TG support group meeting, it can feel like a bit of an echo chamber. But if you have family members or friends who are also in your corner, then you can know that we aren't just a bunch of misfits mutually assuring each other that we're all okay.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Jamie

Nice to see you back.

I hope that you don't mind if I remind you about steps 2.4 and 2.6

Step 2.4 Getting a professional makeover and photoshoot

Step 2.6 Meeting another Cd FtF

Both steps 2.4 and 2.6 helped me a lot,

I'm still stuck on Step 2.0; my wife still thinks I'm broken and is still hoping to find that magic to turn me back into a non-CD. But I hid it so far back in my childhood, that she'll never be able to find it.

For those that are interested, I skipped Step 4 and skipped to Step 4.5.

Step 4.5 I lobbied both my US Congressman and one of my US Senators, at their office right next to Capitol Hill, en femme, with a group of others doing the same thing. In fact, it's the only time I've ever been in the House and Senate Buildings.

[MichaelM]

Time and counselling.

I needed time to get to grips with the sudden urge to crossdress which had been dormant since childhood and teens. This took a number of months.

Counselling with a specialist CD counsellor to understand that CDing is not that unusual. It's just taboo.

I still feel guilt and shame from time to time. I'm not out to anyone but my wife and it was the lying to her more that CDing that I felt shame and guilt.

Best tip is to read this site and realise you are not alone.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I don't think I ever had any real guilt or shame. Of course, I am "Closeted" for the most part, but not because of shame, but only I do not think it would be a GOOD IDEA to go out in the open, considering most people's ignorance about what CD is about and facing public ridicule or worse. I have always thought CDing was FUN and something to "get off" with. Also I had always been interested in Psychology (as well as other Sciences) since I was a kid. I was the type who got my information from BOOKS and did not listen to the Sexual Myths of my ignorant schoolboy peers. But found out the real thing by myself. I knew I wasn't "Gay" and I had no religious hang ups about CDing, so why feel Guilty? Guilty of what?-----And why feel shame? I found something interesting and FUN to do---as long as I was CAREFUL.

[Angie G]

Just know your doing what your wired to do and your not hurting anyone. You have done nothing to feel guilty about Pixie. :hugs:
Angie

[Katiedreams]

I am new to dressing, so I might be at some kind of honeymoon??

But for sure never ever gonna purge. The wardrobe is mine :)

I have reasoned like previous posters.

I am hurting no one.

It feels just right.

I can reach for happiness only to myself and people i know and can contribute.

Just few days a go had opportunity to help w-to-m transgender at work, and took it. I guess he will never know why his changes to documents did not bat an eyelid. :)

[krissy]

yeah that guilt and shame is real hell it took me 40 years to shake it i still get it once in awhile .its tough to deal with and the others judge you .but in time you accept that its a part of who you are and nothing or no-one can change it.

[MissAlexisRae]

Therapy with a specialist in transgender issues is what worked for me, but it also took me a good 2-3 years to really figure things out.

[DianaPrince]

Therapy helped me figure who I am and helped me understand choices I made in my past.

I was also worried about how to talk to my wife about my self discovery. My self realization came years after our marriage, and I would often interpret things she would say in a negative way. So therapy helped me (us) improve our communication skills and move us to a better place.

[luuv2dress]

I found that once I told my wife about it, the feeling of shame and guilt had become less. So much so that I wear things more often now knowing that its not a problem with her. My anxiety levels are way less now too, nothing to hide which is where I feel the guilt/shame feelings always came into play.

[FairyCrossdresser]

My rather atypical progression into cross dressing probably makes me unqualified to comment from the stand point of personal experience but from a logical and psychological perspective my thoughts are that there is nothing to feel guilt or shame about.

If it is a compulsion issue, it is not so very different to smoking, drinking or gambling (and a sight less detrimental to one?s health).

If it is a hobby, then it is not so very different from someone obsessed with motocross or football.

In each case, the only reason dressing is different is because of the stigma attached and these usually come about as a result of people being reluctant to change or who fear change; but all good changes, from the way Gallileo?s theory was approached to the way race, gender and sexuality issues have changed in more recent decades, become majority views in time.

The first duty of anyone is to themselves so I would alter the premise of the original question. Does dressing prevent me from doing something which I would enjoy or would be to my benefit? Is dressing in balance with my other interests and responsibilities?

[Brandi17]

I wouldn't say I feel any guilt at all. There is no reason to, cross dressing isn't illegal and I bought everything which I use to cd with my own money as well, so no guilt of taking stuff from anyone. Shame I have not yet experienced, but no one in real life really knows about me CDing, so that may why. I would say for me all I ever really feel is maybe a little bit of fear and anxiety when I go out in public as I do fear being 'discovered' by anyone who may know me, but usually both of those die down after about 15 minutes after leaving my house. I suppose at the end of the day even if I was discovered the most I would have to deal with is some embarrassment and possibly shame, but nothing truly bad would happen since I live by myself anyways.

[Marianne S]

Hi Pixie,

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't. I know guilt and shame can be overcome, because I've done it myself. But how exactly I did it is another question!

It reminds me of a guy in a bowling league who now and then would put in a star performance. The rest of us asked him "How do you do that?" In response, he took a ball in his hand, swung it down the lane, and said "Well, you go like this!"--as pins tumbled left and right in yet another strike. But how exactly you "go like this" is hard to describe, let alone emulate. Don't worry though, you'll "get the hang of it" some day.

Out of interest, your post prompted me to ask "What's the difference between 'guilt' and 'shame'?" Is there any? I guess there is. Going by some people's opinions, "guilt" is the perception that we've "done something wrong," something that harms others. It might be a bad thing to do, but it doesn't condemn us forever. Except in serious cases, like killing someone by driving drunk for instance, most things we "do wrong" to others can be redeemed. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Most of them are forgivable. In any case "guilt" is irrelevant to crossdressing, because we're harming nobody by doing so. Not unless we "feel guilty" for disappointing someone else's expectation of us: parents, a wife, or "society," say. So compared with shame, "guilt" is the less damaging and the less corrosive of the two.

"Shame" is another matter. Shame is when we take it upon ourselves, not just that we "did" something wrong, but that we ourselves are irredeemably "bad" in some fashion, or anyway that something is "wrong" with us. I have to confess that I, like so many others here, suffered from "shame" in my earliest teenage years of crossdressing. I couldn't resist the urge. But once the urge was consummated, I couldn't wait to get out of female clothes and get back into "male mode"--as though I were somehow "contaminated" by dressing as a girl. It wasn't that I was hurting anyone by doing so. It wasn't fear of discovery either. It was just that I was at war with myself in those days.

Thankfully I'm not like that any longer. But that's the nature of "shame"--a negative valuation of the self. Still, I have to agree with what others have said: essentially that "shame" of this kind results from "buying into" and internalizing our perception of other people's valuation of ourselves, whether that's fair or not. "What would others think of me if they saw me doing this?"

I don't think this is different in principle from what some people go through if they were abused as children, internalizing the message of abuse--that "you're no good"--and had their self esteem destroyed as a result. Luckily that was never my own experience, but the problem is that even if we realize intellectually that what has been done to us is unfair and wrong, that we ought to dismiss such negative thoughts as nonsense, the emotional effects still linger. It's been said that "cognitive" and "emotional" memories are stored in different parts of the brain. We can argue away the cognitive memories, but the emotional memories need far more "working through" to get rid of their toxic effects.

That, unfortunately, is where I can't be of much help in relating from my own experience how I "got rid of" the shame and learned to accept myself comfortably. I can say it happened with time, so "time is the great healer." I do know I seem to have had a kind of "epiphany" round about the age of thirty, when I felt I didn't give a damn any more and learned to enjoy exploring my feminine self in comfort. I guess waiting until thirty is a long time, starting from my first urges to crossdress at twelve or thirteen. But there wasn't any societal support in those days. Possibly being "forced to face reality" about myself helped along the way. That included at least one, maybe two "purges" (can't remember now) in my teen years, hoping the urge would go away--but as we all know, if never did. And the final, "Great Purge" when I moved in to live with a girlfriend--but that didn't cure my urges either, and I was soon into her clothes! That didn't last, but when we're faced with reality, that we're not going to change, we can either deny it... or come to terms with it.

However, I will say that having a nice, accepting wife may have made a lot of difference. I wasn't "fully out" to her to begin with, but I used to "play dressup" in her clothes now and then, and it didn't freak her out. She thought it was fun. So I felt accepted.

That's the only advice I can give you. Surround yourself with accepting people. Shun those who are prejudiced, or reject you. I'm sure therapy can belp, if you need it, but many of us have succeeded without it. Give it time. You will learn to accept yourself and be happy with yourself as you are. Good luck!

[johnboyii2002]

I don't have much support my wife does't believe in crossdressing and doesn't think men should wear women's cloths. That doesn't help me in loving crossdressing.

[Teresa]

Johnboy,
No it doesn't help at all ! I hope your wife realises the implications of her actions , OK it depends on your needs or depth of dysphoria but long term suppression isn't a good thing mentally , eventually the cork has to burst out the bottle !

Same old story , you need to decide what it really means to you and then get that together and have the talk with her , the fact she doesn't like it doesn't make it go away .