Wife is retiring, Can I go without Dressing?

[Judy-Somthing]

She'll be home all the time!
She won't except my dressing.
Can I go for long periods of not dressing?
Can I find a new hobby?
I guess all good things come to and end.
Well I still have a few months left.

Has this happened to you?

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

You shouldn't, you have too many fans here!

[Crissy 107]

Judy, No you cannot stop, we love you too much. There has to be a way.

[Sandi Beech]

Judy. My wife is not working so dressing up at home is next to impossible-but there are occasions where I am on a business trip or she goes out of town. It is not often, but enough that I would not want to purge. The opportunity pops up when you least expect it, so keep that in mind. You will get occasional dress up time.

Sandi

[kimdl93]

You will want to continue, and probably will find a way.

[Zoeytgtx]

Judy:
My wife knows I need my girl time, but she doesn?t want to see it. We are both retired. I go out of town for some girl time four days a month. She knows what I?m doing and it seems to work for us. She has commented how much calmer I am after I get back.

Zoey

[TheHiddenMe]

Get creative.

My wife will often play bridge and will be gone four or five hours. I get dressed and go, and then say I was bike riding when I come home (I change to drab in the car). Or once I got dressed in the family room at a Y.

When there's a will, there's a way.

[Jane G]

There will always be the desire. Hence there will always be a way. Life goes on and your dressing will always be part of it. To think anything else is simply trying to kid yourself. You are and will always be, who you are.

[DianeT]

This is something that bothers my wife the day it arrives. If your wife is accepting enough and your place suitable for it, you may split the apartment/house for a few hours once in a while. At worst I also imagined I could rent a hotel room for a couple days from time to time (crossing fingers that no fire alarm goes off while dressed :)).

[Kay J]

Judy only you know your wife! If i was you i would get a hold of a good psychiatrist that is good in transgender to help you out. We do not know how long you have been married if a long time your counselor could help you and your wife out i know i have been there! After all you are 63 and about to retire your self and you deserve to be yourself! She will not have to see you! Best of luck you will need help!

[Shelly Preston]

She won't except my dressing.
Can I go for long periods of not dressing?
Can I find a new hobby?


Judy you may need to sit down with her and discuss how both of you will need at least some time on your own, if only for sanity.

This (covid-19) lockdown has taught us, that we need an outlet.

Yes you can go for a long period without dressing, but it will almost always come back and the need might feel stronger.

Finding a new hobby seems like a good idea in the first instance. I am not sure it would succeed on a long term.

Counselling might help, depending how willing your wife is to attend with you.

[Paulie Birmingham]

My wife, sisters in law, female friends and coworkers, etc. Rarely wear pantyhose, dresses or skirts and still feel feminine. The clothes may be a fun hobby, but aren't necessary. I think you could change your behavior without changing where you are at on any spectrum.

But if it's just a hobby, it's even easier to change your behavior. Find another hobby. I would stop dressing in a heartbeat if it started to negatively effect my family.

[Helen_Highwater]

Judy,

I faced the same dilemma a few years ago and while it did limit my dressing it didn't curtail it entirely. Your SO will have a social life of her own. Doing the ladies that lunch with friends thing, joining an exercise class, seeing relatives, it's highly unlikely she'll just hang around the house all day.

Time to dress, the length of time you get may be shortened but you learn to better manage time. Don't fret about it too much in advance. Wait and see what pans out and deal with it in the best way you can.

[BrendaPDX]

My wife and I are at the DADT stage, but she knows I need my "personal" time. I hint/ask her if she will be out for most of the day, she get's it. Mind you I put on some skinny jeans and a summer dress today in the bathroom, just to get some of it our of my system.

[Star01]

If dressing is a hobby it certainly wasn't a hobby of choice. It found me and refuses to be replaced by things such as stamp collecting or bird photography.

But on a more serious note I can relate to the challenges of a SO who is not supportive combined with my own retirement and the stress caused by sheltering in place. I would insist on a motel getaway and my wife would likely agree but I am waiting to see what happens with the virus. As it stands now neither my wife or me can cut hair and mine has gotten so long it sticks out the edges of my wig. I have to sneak to wash my femme clothes and all the summer events I would normally use as an alibi to go overnight are cancelled this summer. We dadt are having a difficult first half of 2020 and I am sure others are dealing with a similar frustration.

Don't purge, our opportunities to dress will come eventually.

[GretchenM]

Paulie is right on the bullseye. If it is just a hobby that involves just a type of acting you can find another hobby. But if it is a need (as it is in most of us) that is not going to work. It is a part of who you are, Judy, and you cannot just walk away from a need. You need to break it down and understand it within yourself. One question you can ask yourself is this: "Does dressing make me feel feminine/female or do I feel feminine/female before and that feeling causes me to feel a need to express that in clothes?" Big difference.

If it is the former, then it is possible to break it because it is more like a habit than a need. But if the latter is the case, then you can express that identity in ways other than dressing. It takes time and practice. It is basically being who you are whether you are buck naked or fully dressed. You have an incredible talent for presenting yourself as fully female and personally, I question whether you would have developed that talent without there first being something deep inside you that forms some kind of need. Unless you are an actor in which case you have a talent for getting into character and setting aside the person that you are in a normal living situation. That can be learned and it always has an one switch and an off switch. Needs only have On switches.

If it turns out to be a fundamental need, you will be able to modify the expression of that need that satisfies the desire to be yourself that is generated in the brain and is the process of following the requirements of your sense of self which has developed over a lifetime of experiences. It may not be perfect (it is not for me) but it is far better than being so driven by the need that you forget about or ignore the impact of your behavior on others. That is a problem that is not unique to a need to express your identity in clothing. It is a serious personality problem that needs to be addressed professionally so you can change the thinking that produces that behavior with dressing or with any other activity from total dedication to work to an obsession with a hobby to the point where it becomes more important than anything else in your life.

So, Judy, I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what your motivation is in your dressing and whether that is caused by your deepest gender identity or whether it is a superficial hobby activity that has a habitual nature to it. Only you can answer that. Then sit down with your wife and have the discussion so you can develop a game plan to kick off when her retirement begins. Otherwise you may be headed for a cliff that needs to be scaled so you can reach a greater height or perhaps you will fall off with disastrous results. Cliffs can go up or they can go down.

[Stephanie47]

Based upon your prior comments I believe you're wife is very vocal about your desires or needs. You indicated you take many of your pictures at an investment property. If you haven't sold it, then perhaps that will become your getaway. I suspect, again based on your prior postings, your wife is going to watch you like a hawk and then sweep down and tear you apart. I have always gotten the impression, although obviously unable to confirm, that she is totally and 100% against any hint of cross dressing. Sometimes I have gotten the impression your constant buying and ridding of so many dresses is your outlet to the repression or non acceptance you live under. Will that change with retirement? Finding the answer may open a real can of worms.

I retired while my wife continued to work part time, but full days. I had seven hours a day to do my June Cleaver routine totally en femme. It was great! It was relaxing. I could do all the domestic chores and was assured she would not just 'pop' in on me. School teacher she was. That routine went on for ten years. Then she had a back operation with recovery time. Total shutdowns during summer vacations. Then she had her fight against breast cancer. Another shut down. Followed by another medical issue. Then a total knee replacement. Fully retired now. Now COVID-19. I haven't been able to do my June Cleaver routine for a very long time. Before the knee replacement and COV-19 she would baby sit our grandchild at his apartment overnight. Femme time. Or she would take an out of state trip to visit her cousin for up to ten days. 24/7 femme time. Now 162 dresses are unworn. I kid her about getting a cardboard sign and sitting at the end of the off ramp on I-5 because I look so shaggy it's pathetic. My only outlet now is sleeping in a floor length nightgown with a panty every night as we sleep apart due to all these medical issues. I do have traditional hobbies which I still engage in, but I have also started collecting panties of the styles I like to wear. My wife is not like your wife. My wife has not made a single comment about my cross dressing since 1983 or so. I get the impression you have been hen pecked constantly over the years. If your wife thinks your relation with you is all about her and her alone you're headed for disaster. I could not live with a woman who was like that.

[jacques]

hello Judy,
Dressing is in you, it won't go away.
You have to talk honestly to your wife and reach a compromise.
In any marriage you both need time for yourselves - rarely are partners joined at the hip.
Suddenly being together 24/7 can be difficult for most marriages.
But you will find a way, I am sue.
Luv J

[CarlaWestin]

You'll just find different ways to enjoy the experience. Trust me, she'll be wanting her own space and experiences when she retires.
And hanging out at home starts getting old after a while. You'll get your time slots.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with, Shelly, Judy. It's time to have "THE TALK"!:brolleyes:

[Mermaiden]

Good luck with this, it sounds difficult. What I hear is she won?t accept, and it would be highly unlikely your desire to crossdress would whither. So looks like you need to find a way to justify time alone/away.

[Debs]

you need exactly what ive got, a nice holiday home about an hours drive away from your home, easy peasy to get away from each other with many variable excuses of you going up there to do jobs, or both up there and you have to leave quickly to go home for a day, work calling, lol

[missjoann49]

Judy,
I really feel bad for those of you that do not have an accepting SO
In todays world life is to short not to be able to deal with each others needs
I hope that all can work out for the both of you to some degree

[Rhonda Jean]

Ha! You're as determined to dress as anybody on the planet. You've been pretty inventive so far. I figure that will continue.

It seems simple enough to just go get a hotel room for a night or two once a month. I did it for years and it worked pretty well... until the divorce. Of course, that requires talking about it. Doesn't seem like that'd go well in your case. You'll find a way.

[Joni T]

CAN you forego dressing? YES. It's called will power. WILL you forego dressing? Only you know but I'd bet heavily against you.
Just sayin'.....
Jon

[NancySue]

Home all the time...oh oh
As beautiful as you?ve become and as long...you need to have ?the talk?
No, I don?t think so. You?re too advanced.
New hobby? I doubt it.
There?s no way you can end it.
Where there?s a will (or need), there?s a way.
Happened to me? No...we had the talk...it worked...she?s supportive.
Keep us in the loop as things develop.

[alwayshave]

Judy, In a previous post you stated you dressed somewhere other than home, why will this be an issue?

[Judy-Somthing]

I've been dressing in the basement under her Nail Salon which she is selling due to covid-19 and doesn't want to work with the public any more.

[michellecd9999]

My wife and I retired in the past few years. I use deer hunting as my excuse to be away for a couple of days. I hunt near Athens, GA and LOVE going out there. I missed Turkey season due to all the closures of CV19. She has gone to help her dad for a few days so I begged not to go since we do not agree on a lot of things. I was able to get waxed and shopped (en drab) for a few girlie things like shorts and panties. LOVE being dressed tonight as Michelle even if I don't go out.

Take up some hobby (fishing, golf, hunting, etc) that can give you some time and even an excuse to be away a night here and there.

Michelle

[Pumped]

Judy, a quote from you in another thread, "My wife told me about a month ago that she sometimes can't sleep thinking that some day she's going to walk in on me while I'm dressed."

This makes me a bit crazy, she knows. Perhaps not accepting, but she knows. Way different from she doesn't know and you are 100% in hiding. Kick the elephant out of the room and tell her you will be dressing from time to time and when would it be convenient for her so you can dress and she doesn't have to see it? She goes shopping, you get Judy time, she calls before she comes home or has a certain time frame when she will not return. I think you two need to talk.

My wife and I had a DADT relationship for some time, not very long. I think she realized and understood I was dressing and she may as well admit it to herself and deal with it. We moved on to me dressing when she was not around, but she knew it as I did not hide it, underwear in the wash, a bit of clothing on the bed, that type of thing. Eventually she gave in and I dress around her most every day.

[Stephanie47]

"My wife told me about a month ago that she sometimes can't sleep thinking that some day she's going to walk in on me while I',m dressed."

I must have missed that thread. Judy, did you say something to her when she said that or did you just let it pass without a comment or retort. I would think that would have been the perfect time to open a conversation to clear the elephant out of the room. I said many times, even if a wife has not seen her husband en femme, she has a mental picture of him en femme. The problem that may arise with a totally non-accepting wife with scheduled femme time is she'll think about it all the time. Even if you are not en femme during her absence from the home, she'll think you're en femme and having Judy time. The same issues arise when the husband locks himself inside the bedroom or study for several hours. It's never an issue of "out of sight, out of mind."

[Katiedreams]

Judy, your wife needs an hobby to keep her occupied and out of house. :)

You know her, be creative.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Judy,

Perhaps a conversation with you wife is in order. Chances are your wife will get bored staying home and find a part time job or do some volunteer work.

Promise yourself you won't stop dressing. It's a big part of who you are.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Some like me think OP should get a hobby to take mind off dressing

Some think wife should get a hobby or job to get out of house so you have time to dress

Maybe you should get a hobby you can do with your wife. Enjoy more time together.

[Michelle_G]

I feel your pain. Before I retired, some of my days off fell during the week and with my wife working and the kids at school it made for some great Michelle time. Now my wife is not working due to a disability and is home all the time. No school either due to the virus. Yup. Michelle who?

[suzanne]

If you're anything like me, you'll have problems. There are days, not every day, when I absolutely MUST get into a skirt in order to feel normal. If I am prevented, resentment builds up. Fortunately, my wife and I have reached a balance point that works. I dress any way I like, any time, but she won't be seen in public with me while I'm dressed

[krissy]

yeah mine retired before i was dressing every day and cooking and cleaning. after she retired i get no me time i cant even get her to go see her mom she just sticks to me like glue .i still dress but i have to do it when she goes to bed .sucks i know but i still dress but i m8iss the makeup and perfume.