mechamoose
06-29-2020, 08:21 AM
Now that I'm 1 week in to HRT.
I have identified as non-binary for almost 30 years. 70% of my wardrobe is women's clothing already. People notice when I *don't* paint my nails. I have long hair half way down my back, and a full maintained beard. I'm 6'2", 220#. Internally I have always felt like a little girl driving around in a monster truck.
My PCP of 15 years actually asked ME the question about 6 months back. "I know your background, what do you think about gender. Are you interested in any changes?"
My immediate response was "If the options that exist now were around 20 years ago, then yes. I have kind of made peace with it the way it is"
Then it bothered me for the next week. I had to admit that if the options were there 20 years ago, I was not in the mental place to have done it then. My life had changed, I was now a year into being on my own.. I had spent my life fulfilling obligations and roles, and I needed to do something to take care of myself. With the world the way it is I'm going to be more or less isolated for the next year due to the virus anyway..so. I called my PCP back and asked for a consult.
I had been to a gender therapist before. Unfortunately, I was still a very active alcoholic at the time, and a lot of the discussion ended up being about that. I didn't have the path or drive to put down alcohol yet. (I'm now 19 months sober, thanks Rational Recovery) I was set up with a new therapist. I met with a psychiatrist, and then finally I met with the endocrinologist. I'm now on a low does Estradiol for the first month. After that the doc will do bloodwork and we will talk about changes in dosage and when to introduce Spiro. (I'm inclined to put that off a bit based on what I'm reading)
So, I'm changing the role I will play to the world, not who I am. I'm still working things out, though. I have two dear friends who have already gone through the process (one fully, one just hormones & minor surgery) who have taken me under their wing. I'm excited and nervous, but my instincts are telling me to keep going.
I have identified as non-binary for almost 30 years. 70% of my wardrobe is women's clothing already. People notice when I *don't* paint my nails. I have long hair half way down my back, and a full maintained beard. I'm 6'2", 220#. Internally I have always felt like a little girl driving around in a monster truck.
My PCP of 15 years actually asked ME the question about 6 months back. "I know your background, what do you think about gender. Are you interested in any changes?"
My immediate response was "If the options that exist now were around 20 years ago, then yes. I have kind of made peace with it the way it is"
Then it bothered me for the next week. I had to admit that if the options were there 20 years ago, I was not in the mental place to have done it then. My life had changed, I was now a year into being on my own.. I had spent my life fulfilling obligations and roles, and I needed to do something to take care of myself. With the world the way it is I'm going to be more or less isolated for the next year due to the virus anyway..so. I called my PCP back and asked for a consult.
I had been to a gender therapist before. Unfortunately, I was still a very active alcoholic at the time, and a lot of the discussion ended up being about that. I didn't have the path or drive to put down alcohol yet. (I'm now 19 months sober, thanks Rational Recovery) I was set up with a new therapist. I met with a psychiatrist, and then finally I met with the endocrinologist. I'm now on a low does Estradiol for the first month. After that the doc will do bloodwork and we will talk about changes in dosage and when to introduce Spiro. (I'm inclined to put that off a bit based on what I'm reading)
So, I'm changing the role I will play to the world, not who I am. I'm still working things out, though. I have two dear friends who have already gone through the process (one fully, one just hormones & minor surgery) who have taken me under their wing. I'm excited and nervous, but my instincts are telling me to keep going.