When did you know the urge was permanent?

[Marianne S]

There are certain stages of development in the life of a crossdresser, most of which (though not all) get plenty of discussion here. To put them in a roughly chronological framework:


1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.

Obviously Items 1 and 4 are discussed here all the time, while Item 3 got some useful attention recently on this thread (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?270262-I-m-intrigued-about-something) of Pixie's. But I haven't seen much discussion of Item 2, the one I highlighted.

While these stages may not always occur in the same order, it seems to me that Item 2 may for some be an essential prerequisite for Item 3. That's to say, if anyone suffers guilt or shame over crossdressing, they may not get over it unless they accept that the urge is permanent, forcing them to come to terms with it, which leads to a happier self-acceptance.

As far as it's relevant to myself, I was prompted to talk about this by an excellent post from Susan on another thread, which read in part:


(Like when the pink fog hits?), some accept it indulge it and try to live and engage with it, some may reject it, purge and pretend it isnt there? Some may be troubled, guilty, ashamed of it and hope that with the love of a (new or) good woman that itll go away but most of us already know the outcome? Others may have a different view on it? Or for some, transition is the only outcome that fits for them?

Certainly I was one of those guilt-ridden purgers. I started crossdressing by putting on my mother's skirt at twelve or thirteen, and soon I was into everything I could find: panties and bra, girdle and nylons, slips, blouses and dresses. As a teen with limited cash, I bought some female clothing and underwear of my own when I could afford it. At the same time I felt incredibly awkward about this addiction, and when an erotic dressing session reached its natural conclusion I couldn't wait to get out of female clothes and back into innocent male mode. I wished I could give it up.

I know I purged at least once, possibly twice during my adolescent years and threw everything away. Yet the urge always came back, as it always does. Then I decided that if I couldn't give up the habit of dressing, it was more sensible to give up the habit of purging instead. So I did... for the time being!--and built up a fair wardrobe during my late teens and early 20s.

But I still hadn't given up the habit of hoping it would all go away some day. Eventually I moved in with a girlfriend in what I hoped at the time might be a lifelong relationship. Relevant to Susan's post, I hoped that now I was sleeping with a woman every night and having regular sex, the "need" to dress would finally go away.

Anyway I couldn't bring my female wardrobe with me. She would soon have discovered it, and I'm positive she would never have accepted my crossdressing. That's because I found she seemed to have a horror of anything she regarded as "unmasculine." Three examples will suffice:


A certain politician was thought to have become emotional enough to shed a tear during a public speech. For this he was regrettably ridiculed by some members of the public. Unfortunately my girlfriend agreed with them and thought he was a "wimp." ("Real men don't cry," right?)

On one occasion she criticized me simply for being "too chatty" with a male agent from whom we were renting a vehicle. (Real men are not only "strong," but "silent" and taciturn, right?)

On another occasion while lying in bed on my back, naked, I crossed my legs in a fashion that concealed certain parts of my anatomy, giving a "female appearance" down there. Where others might have giggled, she was horrified at this and told me not to do it.

Anyway I was sure that if she ever knew I crossdressed--let alone found me that way!--she would have gone screaming through the roof. So before we moved in together I undertook what I now call "the Great Purge." Seeing no alternative, I disposed of everything--a move I now greatly regret because I said goodbye to some irreplaceable items, including two dresses I'd made with my own hands.

Well, we all know what happened next. The urge did not go away. While I no longer had female clothes of my own to wear, an apartment full of her clothes was far too much to resist. In a matter of weeks, when I had an hour or two alone in the apartment, I was soon into her panties and bras, skirts, blouses and dresses. Needless to say, I still felt awkward about doing so.

As it happened, we split in less that a year--not over crossdressing, but other unrelated issues leaving us less compatible than I'd hoped. Which was just as well, because I found a wife who was much more accepting. But the "Great Purge" was also my last. I wish I'd left those clothes in my mother's house now and shipped them back to me when I moved to a new place.

More to the point, I finally realized this urge was never going to go away. Having realized that, I started another collection, and within a year or two, "magically" or otherwise, I found "guilt and shame" had disappeared. I was far more comfortable with the whole thing than I had ever been before, and able to explore and enjoy my "feminine side" more freely.

[Kandi Robbins]

Very well written! When did a realize the urge was never going away? Five years old.

When did I accept that the urge would never go away (big difference, as you know)? Fifty years old.

Many similar feelings and experiences myself from reading your story.

[Tracy Irving]

The second time I put on my mothers panties.

[Crissy 107]

Interesting thread, I knew early on, around 8yo that I wanted to be a girl but it was not until 11-12 that I started to wear my moms things, panties, bras, OBG, stockings and then onto dresses and of course being worried I would get caught. Later on in late teens I started to buy a few of my own things.
I really thought this urge would go away and I did try and suppress it for many years. Finally I knew it was in me to stay and about 7 years ago I knew I needed to accept it and have the talk with my wife. I did and in the beginning my wife was accepting, that changed to a DADT which is for another post.

[Robertacd]

1> I think I was 10 or 11 when I noticed one of the girls in my class was wearing a bra. I remember thinking "I should be wearing one of those too.".

2> Probably in my early 20's when it really didn't turn me on sexually anymore.

3> The shame was gone as soon as I came out to my wife and she accepted me. (IMHO, shame is mostly due to hiding)

4> I have started my journey to transition and am currently %99 full time.

[AllieSF]

I got the urge after I realized that my side effects from prostate surgery were not going away in 2006 at 59. When I started crossdressing, I knew I liked it after seeing myself in a mirror when I dressed fully with terrible makeup for the first time. I had a smile that would not go away for over a month. After that experience I knew I had to go out of the house into the real world dressed as a woman. And I did that a few short months later in 2007 after finding this site and a couple of more experienced people in this line of enjoyment. I had no fear, only a little nervousness that first time. I never thought about this as being anything more than something that made me extremely happy when out and dressed in the real world. I joined this site in early 2007 and read anything and everything, as i still do to a lesser extent. I learned about others experiences, the different sub classifications under the transgender umbrella (I like the idea of an umbrella because it helps clarify a lot of things), and how people deal with accepting and being themselves.

I was in the perfect time of my life to discover all this. I was single, alone in my home, my son was not living with me at that time, though he did come back home for a few years, financially stable, starting a new different career, and a very independent person willing to try new things if I thought that they were legal and safe. I had also gone through that battle with prostate cancer and survived that. So, for me to try something outside the norm for most people I was ready, and, probably more importantly, able to do what I wanted. I did!!

So, I learned from this site that the desire to crossdress would probably never go away for most, including me. I never thought about it for me, because from the beginning I accepted me doing this because I could. For those reasons this does not really apply to me: "2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.". I knew but didn't tell myself that this was for life. I guess that just be reading what happens to others with all their personal issues and problems just to accept themselves what was happening to them and me. So, a specific moment or date is impossible for me to pinpoint. I did and do not dwell on anything around all this regarding my identity. I just accepted me without thinking about that acceptance and just kept moving on and forward.

I just kept doing what I wanted and maybe, unbeknownst to me, took one step after another until I realized that I was more than a crossdresser. At that time I knew it was time to come out and I did that to everyone that mattered over a few short months. I am now full time with orchiectomy, BA and FFS done. GCS may or may not happen.

[suchacutie]

My history is very different in that my first time was in my 50's, with my wife and I just goofing around, leading to my buying heels and opaque hose so I could partially dress in some of her old stuff. I put it all on, no makeup or hair, and within minutes the snowball just started picking up momentum and we were online looking for a dress to show off my legs.

All of a sudden my wife asked, "You hate Halloween, so why is it you actually look calm and into this?" I had no answer but after 3 solid days of taking about gender, growing up as a girl or a boy, and were there any hints of what has become "Tina", it was clear that Tina had always been lurking there and that it was time to learn all about her. We never looked back and Tina has been a joint experience between me and my wife ever since.

[docrobbysherry]

I began dressing at age 50+ out of the blue!

I'm 77 now. And, have a gut feeling? One day this will all become TOO MUCH WORK for a crotchety old man!:brolleyes:

[Christina89]

i started when i was about 12 or 13. i was watching an old cartoon show called Totally Spies. i was watching it and they went shopping for 'some cute outfits' as they put it. i got the urge to go to my mothers room and decided to go 'shopping for some cute outfits'. so i did just that. i found a cute bikini in my mother rooms tried it on and loved how it felt on my body. after that night i realized i couldn't stop thinking about it. all day at school i couldn't get the thought of wearing women's clothes out of my head. once the end of the day bell rang i couldn't get home fast enough. once i was home i ran upstairs to do it again. i guess from that moment Christina was born. i have purged a few of my own items here and there. i honestly became comfortable with crossdressing when i found this site and realized i wasn't alone and wasn't some freak.

[Stephanie47]

I'll just go with the second question or statement. When I entered puberty I was drawn to trying on my mother's clothing. I had no sisters or female cousins, so there were no closets to raid. I outgrew my mother's clothing with the exception of one nightgown. By the time I was in college I thought I had kicked the habit or interest. After college I was inducted into the army. I went to Nam as an infantryman. Perhaps hormones raged inside me to keep me alert and alive. I had no thoughts of anything related to wearing women's clothing. I met the woman I was to marry. She was and is still beautiful. And downright sexy. You'd think having such a lovely feminine creature as a wife would have 'cured' me. My love on nylon gowns was rekindled. We ended up buying several nylon gowns for me. There was a mutual benefit. Slowly I was slipped further and further into buying feminine garments. They were not hidden, but also no flaunted. Eventually, she tired of my interests because she realized there was something more than just a bedroom fetish. I knew, if a sexy loving wife did not 'cure' me, then it was hopeless. I surrendered.

The guilt? No real guilt. Shame? That raged in my youth when it was supposed general knowledge that any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. There was a lot of confusion involved. I came to understand I was not gay. I'd say by the time I was in my 40's I began to be comfortable with myself because I accepted myself. I analyzed all the positives and the one negative and saw the scales weighed on the side of a productive family guy and member of the community.

[Diane Smith]

I started dressing as a child, but had my real epiphany at age 40, in 1997. I think it mainly happened then because I had achieved my terminal college degree and started a new job, which I loved and with significant responsibility and opportunities for creativity, about two years before. By that summer it was clear I had a stable situation (I eventually stayed there for 24 years until retirement about a year ago) in a place where I wouldn't be fired if some aspects of my personal life leaked out. I was always careful not to mix business and pleasure too much, however. On a vacation trip to the Southwest in the summer of 1997, I suddenly decided to visit a number of thrift shops and even a couple of mainstream places to try on clothes and shoes. I was 2000 miles from home and clearly wouldn't run into anybody I knew. On my last day before driving back, I made my first ever appointment at a nail salon and got my first set of acrylics with polish. I haven't gone a day without them since.

Once I got home, I joined a couple of regional social and support groups and visited several Chicago and Indianapolis area specialty stores that were known to be friendly. Within four months or so, I had my first wig, breast forms, corset and even a feminine tattoo, and was wearing my nails long and polished. I had my first several professional makeovers, started electrolysis, and got permanent makeup. I made my public "debut" at a crossdressing get-together in a Chicago area bar in December, 1997. It's just been more and more and higher and faster from there.

I did lose a "friends with benefits" relationship when I came back from Tucson and told my lady friend what I had done. I was sorry that happened, but it was not a deep connection or one that would have lasted long anyway.

Since then I have never slowed down or purged and now, in retirement, I'm out once or twice a week but also spend virtually all my "guy" time with long polished nails, earrings, eye and lip makeup and high heels. I was finally able to relax and accept myself 23 years ago because life had finally offered me enough stability that I wasn't constantly worrying about my future any more. There have certainly been some ups and downs since then, but my overall trajectory has been remarkably stable. And I still enjoy it all.

- Diane

[SaraLin]

for me? I've pretty much always knew that it wasn't going to go away on its own.

but because I was taught that it wasn't "normal" - over the years I've tried to:

Deny it.
Kill it.
Suppress it.
Bury it.
(H-m-m-m ... I just realized that I never tried to CURE it. I guess I just knew that wasn't even a possibility.)


For me, it's like trying to cork up a tea kettle.

[sara66]

When I was 14, I remember thinking that wanting to wear my sister's clothes was just just a phase. Fourteen years later I realized it wasn't going away. I always thought i could control the urge, however i lost an 11 year battle to suppress the need.
Sara

[GretchenM]

Wow. Another great post, Marianne. You are on a roll.

I fought my feelings from when I was denied approval of my request to become a girl when I was about 8 years old (1953) until 2012 when I decided my inner girl had won the war. I gave in to the realization that I was gender variant. I tried everything during that period to get rid of her. Nothing would work. She would vanish, sometimes for years, and then come roaring back after a wide variety of circumstances. Now, after deep and intensive study of the phenomenon for the last 8 years I understand so much more about the behavior and the fact that, for most of us, feeling what we feel drives us to express as a woman sometimes, and not just in clothing but also emotionally; it is built in. It is a result of genetics that forms a foundation of behavior patterns in the configuration of the basics in our brain. Then experience and learning kicks in early in life and the foundation tends to pattern those experiences and learned thinking and behavior in a way that is a bit biased toward the female side of things even though we are males. In females it can work the other way around.

But all this proceeds while society in pressuring us to comply with the gender binary edict that says males must be masculine and females must be feminine. If you want to read about the history of the faulty thinking pick up a copy of Gina Rippon's "Gender and Our Brains." She goes through the entire history of the gender binary concept, how it is based on an assumption that has never been proven and probably can't be proven, and then presents a more modern concept based on neuroscientific discoveries about the way the way our brains operate when it comes to gender. You will then understand a lot more about the battle to be compliant with society's expectations for your gender based on the erroneous idea that your sex defines your gender. In fact there is very little connection between the two when it comes to brain function. Sex defines how you reproduce but it has very little to do with defining who you are as a person. There is no way you can win that war and meet those expectations because your brain is not configured that way. Your gender can and does shift around during the course of your life and that is normal as you experience and learn more things. But that foundation always sets a bit of a limit as to how far you can go. Our gender sense is a normal variation and the difficulties we can have are a result of trying to fully comply with the expectations of a concept that cannot work in its pure form - the binary concept of gender identity.

I now realize that I am a blend of male-like and female-like gender traits and characteristics and so "feeling like a girl" is common and a normal shifting. For sure it is hard to describe what "feeling like a girl" is actually like because it is not an objective state of being as the gender binary suggests. It is a pure feeling, a part of that rather ambiguous thing we all have called our "sense of self." It is a "You just have to be there" kind of thing. The sense of self is a blend of an unbelievably complex assortment of bits and pieces of both emotional as well as more literal thoughts that generate feelings and form the brain's definition of who you are in the Really Big Picture. Is it real? Absolutely. Is it abnormal to feel like the "other gender?" Nope. Everybody has it and it is unique to each person. Does it cause some major problems in our lives? Yes, but not out of necessity. When faced with a set of standards that limits the boundaries of how far the variations can reach, those people beyond the boundary because that is where they are can have a lot of problems with fitting in. So, usually, a problem that lands you on the therapist's couch with thoughts that you have a mental illness is usually not a problem with your sense of self but a problem with the boundaries of society not being wide enough to include you in the mix even though you are just a normal variation on the themes and standards of expectations society sets based upon a pile of assumptions rather than an examination of the facts.

One of the facts is that the foundation was permanent from the start, but it lacked definition which was built up over time as we learn and experience more things that are incorporated into our developing sense of self that is so incredibly vital for our very existence as humans. But for most of us who vary, we fight our sense of self because we are told, in various ways to "not be that way because it is abnormal, it is dangerous, it will make you crazy, it will _____________." (Fill in the blank.) That creates severe stress, i.e. dysphoria. How do you overcome the dysphoria? Simple. Be Yourself which means be consistent with your sense of self. If you feel more male-like at times then be male-like at those times; but if it changes to feeling female-like then be that. The point is, it changes with the circumstances and that is normal. The object of the "game" is to avoid producing dysphoria because that, as they say, is hazardous to your health. The fact is, that is who you are and the fundamentals of who you are happen to be permanent even though the details may vary. You were provided with a very basic foundational identity that comes from your genes (apparently about 3,500 of the little buggers). What happens after that creates a uniqueness within the boundaries of your foundation (not society's image of what foundation you should have). And it develops from there. If you fight it, it will fight back and that will create dysphoria, disorder and possibly insanity. But at the least and most often it creates unhappiness because your sense of self and the way you are expected to be are not meshing.

[Karmen]

I never really put much thought into why I started or should I stop doing it. I never felt I'm doing something wrong. I liked it, it's not illegal and that was enough for me in my teens. I didn't fell ashamed of doing it, it was not something I felt like a wrong doing on a moral side, just didn't have the courage to tell others I like wearing female clothes and stayed in the closet forever. Eventually I just knew it won't go away and didn't even try it. I was buying more and more clothes, wearing them more frequently, even started underdress on a daily basis and than even going out fully dressed occasionally.

[Taylor186]

1. My first time was at six or seven, but the need really took hold at ten or eleven.

2. For the next 30 years the need inexplicably came and went. It was mostly there, sometimes strong - sometimes weak, but at times, for months, the need was completely absent. For those long absent stretches I thought I was "cured." It was my 40s when I finally admitted that it was a part of me, forever.

3. In my early 50s I joined a support group and did a lot of internet research which helped me to accept that being a crossdresser was OK.

4. From a child to my early 40s I was completely in the closet. In my 40s, through now actually, I incorporated/incorporate "costume" crossdressing into my Halloween outings. For the support group I shifted to full-out everyday women's wear dressing (not to be confused with dressing everyday, which I didn't). Today I rarely dress head-to-toe, satisfying my need by incorporating femme/androgynous pieces in my everyday life. For instance, leggings/tights when I go to the gym.

[wendy]

Reflecting on my CDing history, I've been dressing for at least 45 years. It started innocently enough with a rental girl's one piece swimsuit at a pool, all because they ran out of boy's swim trunks. I didn't think much of it, until I discovered my mom's panties, and it blossomed from there. It progressed to finding dresses/skirts/blouses in her closet and trying them all on.

When I had the money to buy my own stuff (which was good as I was getting too big for my mom's stuff), it really exploded. The urge was insatiable, and growing immense each time I dressed. That was until I met my g/f (now wife). I thought I could stop cold turkey. I was successful for a short while but the urge came back stronger than ever. It wasn't until we bought the house and I moved out of my parent's house I thought I could stop dressing cold turkey again. It lasted much longer this time, months even, until the urge hit me like a tonne of bricks. I delved into my g/f's clothes and tried them on and it felt so good wearing women's clothes again. I then started to buy clothes again, and hid them in the basement.

It wasn't until I ran into severe medical issues that I had to stop. That took the wind out of the urge and interest. That lasted several years, until I received the proper treatment and the urge to dress came roaring back, harder than ever.

After a few purges (which I totally regret), I now realize that the urge to dress will never go away. It only diminished for me due to medical issues. I am in a very happy place with my dressing, and I love transforming into Wendy whenever I can.

[LilSissyStevie]

I never gave it much of a thought until I joined up here. Although I felt some shame about it, it gave me so much enjoyment that I never wanted it to go away permanently. I just wanted to get over the shame since I couldn't see anything wrong with it.

[jacques]

hello Marianne,
I like your post and interesting question.
Although I started crossdressing at about age 8, and at various ages in my teens, I realised that it was not going to go away about 2 or 3 years into my marriage; my wife did not object when I told her.
stay healthy,
luv J

[Helen_Highwater]

In truth I never gave it any consideration primarily because I never found myself in a position where I wanted it to go away. Never a desire to purge, it's just been part of me at least since my late teens which is when I gained the opportunity to wear what was then my girlfriends clothes from time to time.

For me it's more that as time marches on, dressing has become more important to me but that's probably due to the fact I've got better at it.

[Paulie Birmingham]

I may be an outlier here. I'm just a maid who does this for a thrill. I've been CD ing for 30 plus years and the thrill is still there. My wife is fairly supportive of my self imposed limits.

I think for me the day the thrill is gone or the day risk to family, job, etc is greater than the thrill, I will stop. But for the moment it's just some harmless fun.

[Liz Jones]

Hi,
After very adventure filled life doing/getting involved in all sorts of things it came as a suprise at ---74 years ! Is it perment--dont know ,ask me the day i die!😊

[ClaudineD]

At 16 when was allowed to dress in public by Mother & Aunt........never turned back

[kimdl93]

Wow, jealous of you claudine!

My rollercoaster ride towards acceptance has been overly documented in this forum. In summary, post-divorce and post-18 months of false hopes for reconciliation I began what I hope are the final steps towards permanent self acceptance.

[DTelia]

1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.




1. Too early to remember...but I knew it wasn’t accepted or “normal” to feel this way at an early age. Strangely, I never thought it was wrong that I felt this way, only that it probably wasn’t in my best interest. I experimented very little, never alone, and always with a willing female participant or helper.

2. This is a tricky one. Because on one hand, I didn’t think it was in my best interest to dress. Why? When I had the fog, I was distracted and couldn’t think of anything else...how was this healthy? So my desire to lose the interest was really for practical reasons...also realizing I that the likelihood of my desires being accepted by my friends/family and one day a spouse would be almost zero.

However, I didn’t really ever want the feeling to go away...I loved it. This doesn’t make it right. We can love lots of things that aren’t right...but that’s besides the point. I loved it.

3. Even in my 40’s, this continues to be a work in progress...though, I am further along in this regard than ever before. I’ve never purged before (largely because of my wife)...but I have cut my hair time and time again (which is really my way of purging). My wife accepts me, she embraces me. She embraces this about me I’d say more than 50% of the time, but is supportive 100% of the time, but I’m very cautious not to push...as I really prefer that she participates to some degree...so that it’s an “us” thing. But I recognize that it’s a big expectation for her to even be ok w/this. She doesn’t see this as a burden, but I try hard to be her man most of the time...to be present and because she knows this, it makes this other funny side of me not only tolerable, but for her wonderful....so to answer the question...I’m pretty comfortable with it...it’s getting better. But it’s not like I’m walking outside as a lady or anything. My wife is more than ok w/ this side of me...and ultimately sees it as a blessing...but that was only after a lot of love, listening, service, and support.

But I think if asked most XD’ers wouldn’t want the feelings to go away...and besides, if we REALLY did, they may not go all the way away, but we could suppress, as I do believe, we ultimately get what we want most. I’m grateful that my wife let’s me have this too....even though, I still want her, I want family, I want their happiness most. Hope this made sense.

4. I’m opening things up. I’m growing my hair...for reals. I will finally get the ponytail I’ve always wanted...that’s the plan anyway...but here’s the thing...I’m almost past the awkward stage (thanks to Covid) and by the time we get out of this, most people will be used to it. For me, having hair will in my opinion solve my appetite...part of that’s because I’ll be able to go both ways a lot faster, and even a quick braid or something will give me that rush that I’ve wanted for 40+ years (honestly it’s hard for me to believe and I have to pinch myself)...I realize other factors could change this...but so far, so good.

Hope that helped you and some others.

[NancySue]

#1,2..from the beginning age 8. #3 in my 20?s #4. No consequences.

[Alice Torn]

A few yrs ago at age 64. I had quit and purges 99% of my lovely things. And meant to never CD again, but the desire seems to never go away and gets stronger it seems. I would lioke to have never been born with this proclivity. I have been isolated and single and alone enough, with out this makingme even more isolated. It conflicts with my religion too. I have just had to , like a gay person, admit and accept i have this as part of me, and occasionally dress to cope with life as an older lower income single man at age 66, with no women friends in my region. I work yet, though.

- - - Updated - - -

Gretchen. Once in a while we disagree on few points, but you hit a home run inthis post.

[FairyCrossdresser]

There isn?t an easy an answer to this for me as my crossdressing progression was somewhat interrupted by having to dress full time as a girl on the advice of a counsellor.

Certainly the fact that this urge was still there when I was granted my agency back though made it obvious that it was going to be with me long term (so somewhere between 14 & 17). Prior to the intervention I was still very much confused about what I was feeling.

And whilst I can switch off from it while working, still to this day when I get the urge, I am good for no one until I?m glammed up. During lockdown I have managed to be productive most days but on several days only because I?ve given in to wearing skirts and heels - I know from bitter experience if I had tried to stay in trousers and slippers I would have spent most of the day trying to pretend my ?Heather? clothes didn?t exist.

[BrendaPDX]

I am at 2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away. After my second purge, and realizing I had just purchased another dress.

[Gillian Gigs]

1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

There was something about the tactile, sensual feel of nylon lingerie on my skin that brought much pleasure. I was dressing mainly in my mothers lingerie, enjoying myself for quite awhile, and then my first orgasm happened. Combining everything, created a new pleasure that quickly grew into a much sought after event. Dressing, quickly became a very sexual pastime.

2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

I always thought that as soon as I was getting regular sex after getting married, that this would all go away. The first inkling that it was not going away was when the desires continued. It didn't help having her lingerie near by and us both working differing shifts. Second inkling was when I started to buy my own items. Third inkling was buying again to replace what had been purged, I purged several times over the years. After coming out to my wife, I figured that this just wasn't going to go away. She actually encouraged me not to purge anymore, as it was being wasteful.

3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

Joining this site has helped me to move into acceptance of myself. I realized that beating myself up over something that I couldn't seem to change about myself was counter productive. I needed to change the things you could, accept the things I couldn't change, and have the wisdom to know what the difference between the two were. Having an accepting wife was huge also.

4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.

I have found my equilibrium, and with the odd exception, I keep within it. I wear lingerie, and panties all the time which has helped bring the urges into line. I wear hosiery and skirts as often as I want around the house, which also helps when things get "foggy". I find that the urges are usually satisfied with my daily clothing choices.

[JuliaGirl]

I must have started dressing in mom clothes around 12 or so, and had a very similar story to yours in my late teens (buying my own stuff when I could afford to and sneak it into the house). I knew no later than my early 20s that this urge was not going away, it was part of who I was. I figured that out after purging clothing, assuring myself I'd never do that again and "why?", then within weeks the longing to dress and have my clothes would start right back up again. Over and over. Until it clicked, this is not going away. The sahme and guilt and feeling like I was weird took a lot longer to settle down and go away though.

[Michelle1955]

1st Panties at 5 or 6 .
Knew I was a girl in my head.
Had issues in my teens, very bad understanding puberty as a boy.

Answer#2: Freshman in college (1974) purchased foam breast forms, panties, all in one body corset, bra from Sears phone order and picked up at the pickup counter. I’m sure the SA lady had good gossip that afternoon.

Still have the female inside my head, but learned to manage the fog.
I always have at least panties / slim shorts on at a minimum everyday all day.

I been married 41 years and yes my wife’s accepts with limits

[Pixie_94]

1. I was ten, it was with some panties, the softest thing I wore at that moment and the beginning of this curse.

2. I think around 2016 or 2017, after looking for a "cure" or "remedy" in many websites and asking people if there was such thing.

3. Not yet, I actually feel even worse about it. I feel like I have to get rid of all this if I ever want a relationship or to get married. I simply don't want any trouble or considering something too drastic.

4. I still don't know what to do, I simply feel awful at some times.

Thank you very much for taking my thread into account!

[April Rose]

Pixie, you don't have to completely stop dressing to have a relationship. My wife and I have been together for 45 years. You will find others on here who have managed to stay married for a very long time. I live within a few miles of another couple who have been married as long, and one partner is a fully transitioned woman. They are still happily married , with grandchildren. There are others in my real life circle as well.

What you will have to do is be very careful and sensitive in choosing a partner. You will need to have the courage and strength to reveal yourself when the time is right. You will need to get out of your own head enough to really gain a sense of who she is before you will know if she can accept this curveball to the relationship.

But most of all, you need to learn to love yourself. If you can do that, you can take the risk.

At a certain point in my young life I recognized that I was odd, that I was a loner, and that I was probably going to be single for the rest of my life, so It was up to me to be happy in and of myself. My relationship happened a few months after I had accepted that.

[sometimes_miss]

I think I was 39 when the crossdressing desire came back strong, after not having dressed for well over a decade. Further studying into it, revealed that most crossdressers are never able to stop it forever, and those that try, often wind up with other psychological problems showing up due to consciously or subconsciously suppressing the desire to dress.

Unfortunately, I was studying in order to figure out myself, not as a professional documenting research, so I didn't take notes or keep a list of all the materials that I read.

[Star01]

1) at about twelve years old I stumbled across some boxes of my late step mother's clothes in the attic. Slips, garters, stockings, that sort of thing. I tapped into that until we lost our father and ended up living with grandparents.

2) relatively recent that a light bulb went off and I realized that I had been trying to suppress my odd habit thinking it was some kind of fetish.

3) my coming to grips with my dressing and accepting myself was hampered by twenty five years in a religion that considered it a shunning offense. I left the religion twenty years ago and the fog rolled in out of nowhere much to my surprise. The past twenty years has consisted of getting up.to and standing looking over the edge and getting scared of what might happen. I pulled back and purged a couple of times until I finally gave up and realized this is permanent.

4) my wife hasn't been accepting so I have been keeping a low profile around her. The desire to dress wavers between manageable and overwhelming and I'm working through it with a therapist. My circumstances have put me in a difficult situation that I am working through. The pandemic has thrown me a curve that is making it impossible to shop or dress very often and it has been a challenge but I'm making progress and have a plan.

[Angie G]

I knew it wasn't going away when I put on that first item.:hugs:
Angie

[Charlotte Haynes]

When I stopped getting sexually aroused by dressing (mid-twenties) left it alone for a while, and realised I still badly needed to do it. A bit confusing. After about 15 years of that I started researching online and joining sites, and realised that lots of us follow a pattern. That confirmed that it's unlikely to leave me.

[DianaPrince]

When I blurted out to my wife that I wanted my own panties.

Even then I didn’t know what it would lead to.

[Jessica2020]

For me, the exact moment it sank in this was never going away was when I was reading some medical articles about cross-dressing and GID a month or so ago, when it plainly said, "if the urge persists past puberty, it is likely to be permanent." I sat there with my mouth open slightly, thinking it over. And yes, actually, this really was true for me. It hit me right there and then this always has been a part of my life and now it always will be.

My earliest recollection of these desires was when I was 4-5 years old. I used to always want to try dressing up but even then I knew that wasn't going to happen. I first tried on women's clothing when I was 12 by borrowing some of my older sister's clothes as she went away to college. I kept it as secretive as I could, knowing no one in my family would have accepted it at that time either.

In my adult life, it was a constant cycle of buying some clothing, then finding an excuse several weeks to months later to get rid of it. Once I had gotten married, I honestly always worked against myself to make it almost impossible for me go back to dressing up. Well, as it turns out, that was a long standing mistake of course, but an easy one for me to make.

So I kind of knew this part of me was always there, just accepting it took way too many years. :)

[Crissy 107]

Jessica2020, What you found out a month or so ago reading medical articles is something every one of us has found out along the way. I tried very hard to suppress this part of me but to no avail. There is absolutely no reason to try that but to just accept it and try to be happier.

[Maria 60]

I believe I was about 9 or 10 when I started wearing my sisters pantyhose. We shared room for many years and she was a slob which made it easy to slip on stuff when she would go to school before me.
I thought when I got married it would all end, but 2 weeks back from our honeymoon I put on a pair of her pantyhose and that's when I knew this was serious. That morning I sat there for about an hour with her pantyhose on and was deciding what to do. My biggest concern was leading this life, all I thought about was being like a fugitive the rest of my life with fear of getting caught. I decided that night to roll the dice and take a chance and tell her and live with the outcome. She came home from work the same night and I sat her down and told her everything from the first time I put on my sisters pantyhose to that same morning I put on hers. I couldn't believe she was pretty good about it and she wanted to make sure I wasn't gay and I didn't want to be a women and asked me if I would be happy in the closet. I told her I would respect her wishes and she told me she wanted to see where this was going. The funny part was she didn't want me to wear her things because I would stretch them and we went out that night and she bought me a few pairs of pantyhose and a bra.
It felt so good when I confessed to her, it was like I took a building off my shoulders. After about a month of her observing me she asked me why I felt so much guilt and why I kept apologizing to her. She told me she didn't understand why I felt that way because I wasn't hurting anybody and seeing how much I enjoyed it why I just didn't enjoy it. That's when the guilt left me and now 30 plus years later my wife still loves that I trusted her with my secret and she is still the only one who knows.
I believe my wife was my therapist and I can't put in to words how much she does for me to make sure I'm happy with anything I do. It could have went either way but thank God she was OK with it.
Great thread thanks.

[DTelia]

I believe I was about 9 or 10 when I started wearing my sisters pantyhose. We shared room for many years and she was a slob which made it easy to slip on stuff when she would go to school before me.-------------------------------------
I believe my wife was my therapist and I can't put in to words how much she does for me to make sure I'm happy with anything I do. It could have went either way but thank God she was OK with it.
Great thread thanks.

This is great! I wish there was a way to thumbs up or heart post. Congrats Maria!

[Leslie Mary S]

When did you know the urge was permanent?

1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.
Like most everyone, early childhood. about 9 years old.

2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.
around 2004

3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.
about 2009

4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.
Joined here and also a CD group in Atlanta GA, Went to meetings, go out in public (even in my own town)

[rhonda]

Just quit a few times and quit again , again , again just might see a pattern here eventually

[Stacy Darling]

I'm a Drag queen now. I was Cd still am. I'm TG and very proud of who I am as well.

When it became permanent? Even I can't answer that, we don't wake one day and make a choice, we are the beautiful people that we are and that is how we wake!
Stace

[Jenn A116]

I can't point to a specific time/place/activity. I'm in my 70's now and have recognized for many, many years (well over 40) that it was a part of me that wouldn't change.

[VivianNewkirk]

I didn't start seriously crossdressing until later in life, in my 50s. I started with a set of lace panties that I would wear all day under boy clothes. Things escalated quickly from there! At first it was for kinky sexual arousal (as my pansexuality awakened) but soon I was dressing just because I liked to. One day I was just taking all the pleasure in getting dolled up, doing my makeup and hair and generally being as girly as possible. I now consider myself gender-fluid and am trying to hone all aspects of my femininity.

[Jenny22]

I guess when I disgarded the CD label and accepted the real fact that I was TG.

[Teri Ray]

Started dressing in mothers clothes very young maybe 8 or 9. Always hated my desire and for most of my adult life I felt ashamed and guilty. Not sure what finally got me to accept that this desire is truly part of who I am and I was not going to dismiss it. I guess that I finally accepted my dressing after a lot of soul searching to conclude that my desire did not make me a bad person. Open with my wife and I am so much happier that I have accepted myself for my desire. Now I just enjoy the opportunities I get to dress. This site really helped me a great deal.

[Denice]

1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

I started when I was around 10 or 11.

2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

When I started. It was an intense thrill, euphoric even.

3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

Probably the last 2 to 3 years. For the last 4 or 5 I under dressed, one day I was at my local Savers and saw a blue denim shirt, and I had to have it. Bought some jeans as well.

4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.

I dress en femme exclusively. Nothing outrageous, I stick to simple shirts, pants, usually blue, black or green. I have a couple of dresses, skirts and heels, I haven't the courage to wear them outside of the house.

[Genifer Teal]

I first knew how serious this was when I found it online. That took me a while but it still came very early in my career. Once I started reading about other people and the purging and regret I knew there was a cycle. I was a fortunate to take this information and learn from it and never Purge. There were periods where I did less but that was all. Here I am 20? Years later wondering why I haven't transitioned yet.

[Gizmo, Debbie]

I was somewhat naive as a kid so didn't totally understand what I was feeling until about half way through my teenage years. But I'd say I was nearer 20 by the time I understood myself enough as know it wasn't going to go away.

[Cheryl T]

I first stepped onto this path when I was 5 or 6.
In my teens I had my first outfit and also my first purge. It was about Purge III:Return of the Pantyhose that I finally got that it was in me and not something I was just doing.
Acceptance finally came about 15 years ago. I decided at last that I was not going to deny this and wanted to meet others, talk about it with them and hear their stories as well. I told my wife everything, we joined a Tri-Ess chapter and that was the start of allowing myself to be me. Now 15 years later and retired I dress daily, can't imagine my life without being able to express my femininity this way and am happier than I've ever been with myself.

[Milly1410]

I started when i was a kid as well, and since then i?ve been trying on and off, but always denying myself. I came to accept myself only recently, when the urge wasnt sustainable any longer.

[Amanda22]

I thought my crossdressing would disappear when I fell in love and got married. I thought it was as though I was making my own female presence. I expected "her" to go away once I was in a relationship. But the opposite happened; it got stronger. Now that I'm divorced, I realize this is the life I want and enjoy.

[Staci]

It was just before I told my girlfriend, who is now my wife, that I loved the feel of wearing nylon panties. I think I realized it and knew I had to break it to her. As you can see I was also feeling guilty about it. She accepted it and when she bought me a pair of panties for Valentines Day I knew she u derstood and I started to feel like it was OK.

[fun4metoo2004]

For me, I recall the first time I put on an article of my mothers while she was at work. It was very sexually exciting as I was around 15. I very much enjoyed it and experimented with makeup (poorly), and as for when I knew this was not going away? Well I have under-dressed from that point on. I am now almost 60, and up until a couple years ago I had never ventured out of the house. I did so for the first time on Halloween a couple years ago, and have no problem doing it now. I still suck at makeup however so I need someone to help me with that. Mascara and basic eye liner are easy now. eye shadow, is a hot mess. I am currently experimenting with air brush makeup. I have the foundation down pretty well, and can do other aspects. just starting with eye shadow. So, yes, I will never go back. I love how I feel, and just wish to be in better shape.

[Leslie Mary S]

fun 4metoo Keep at it, you will get better. You are not alone in the troubles with make-up.

[Cacique82]

Guess I didn?t know the urge was permanent at the time but I purged one time around 2000 then maybe six months/year later I started buying panties again.
Looking back that must?ve been it as I haven?t purged since but I never had an exact moment.

[Angela Marie]

After my second purge I did not dress for over a year. Then it all came roaring back. I knew then that I had been fooling myself all along and that this was a permanent facet of my personality.

[Crissy 107]

Interesting on how many of us talk about purging, at the time it absolutely seems like the thing to do but I have not heard anyone who does not regret it later.

[Rayleen]

Since my teenage years,I knew some feminine side of me was trying to fit in. it started with underdressing .

I never purged, always adding to my wardrobe . Had to come to my wife after marriage, but it was fine.

I was always closeted, in house and in the yard. Now all by myself is a lot more free time .

[Suranne]

When I know that this wasn't going to change? When I was about 4 - 5 years old.

[Rachel05]

An interesting read Marianne. I started to dress when I was 8yo, I remember back then it made me feel nice and often because of home life, I found myself alone in the house and was able to indulge my newfound pleasure, I guess I knew back then it was a nice thing to do but had no concept really of what I was doing

As I progressed through into my teens, the guilt and feeling bad about myself for being different come along, but didn't stop me, I used all the excuses in the book to try and explain it away to myself, made it sexual and it never really was

I did a sense of purging, in that I packaged my clothes up and made them really difficult to get to in the hope it might stop me, of course it never did and the feelings grew stronger

When did I accept me, not really sure exactly when that happened, I accepted I needed to dress and I needed it in my life, I probably stopped beating myself up fully somewhere in my later 30's and now in my 60's (just), it really is just a part of me and has been for a long time, I enjoy the pleasure with none of the pain, I really love being a cross dresser

[DianaW]

For me my CD life started just over a month ago. There may have been a few hints leading up to my realization. But I just didn't see this coming.
I joined this community and another one and from reading the posts I guess I'm realizing it's not likely to go away so I won't make the mistake of purging if the desire starts to abate.
My wife is by and large accepting which is helping me accept. As for the rest I'll just see how this journey unfolds.

[Crissy 107]

If it were not for sites like this I may have never accepted this part of me so I am very grateful to be here.
Diana, never never purge, I do not know of anyone who later on still thought it was a good idea.

[DianaW]

If it were not for sites like this I may have never accepted this part of me so I am very grateful to be here.
Diana, never never purge, I do not know of anyone who later on still thought it was a good idea.

Thank you, Crissy. I have seen people talk on here multiple times about regretting purging as it always came back stronger. So if the urge does fade at any time I'm going to keep my clothes.

[praderas]

The first time that I remember doing it, I was near eight or ten. I did it with my older sister as a game, but even though it was "a game", I still remember the excitement and the rush in my head. Then I did not do it for years, but when I was in my early twenties I started doing it again with my girlfriends underwear. She had some very sexy panties that I would wear in her apartment, when she was not around. I realized this urge is not going to go away maybe two years ago, and since then I have started to feel more comfortable with this, taking steps to be open about it with my SO.

[rian]

your story is our story ,,,we all live in the same circumstance ...in which we fight for our crossdressing cloths and hope ....I think you have noticed that our vision to happiness need to have our treasure ( cloths ) in order to live in calm senses .....so I also have the same story where The idea of a purge become our horror when things go bad

[CynthiaD]

When did I know crossdressing was permanent? Honestly, until now that thought had never even occurred to me. It did take a long time for me to accept this as part of myself, but up to that time I thought I could just ignore it. It never occurred to me that it might go away. It's like asking when I realized that liking rare steak was permanent. I've always loved wearing female clothing. I never thought I'd stop loving it. But I thought I could put it out of my mind and not think about it.

Obviously I couldn't do that either. What changed is accepting my love of female clothing as a good thing and not something to be ashamed of. Maybe that's when I accepted that it was permanent.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i back packed Western Europe in 1977 at the age of 22 trying to find myself. i woke up one morning in a youth hostile and realized it controlled me as it does to this day

[Jane G]

No idea on a date, why would such an obvious evolution warrant a note. But you are certainly correct.

[rian]

I think the feeling of the urge not to go away was when I got married ,,, I thought I might get busy with the married life ...but then I knew that the urge was getting more powerful ,,,so I recruited my wife to the club ...and it got much better

[Lacey New]

Probably sometime during my college years when I acquired some panties from girls at school. Finally, later on, when I actually bought my first pais of panties, I knew I was hooked. From there, I went on to collect additional lingerie and things kept on rolling.

[fun4metoo2004]

I was a teenager in the 70's. I new that I liked women's clothes and wanted to continue. It was many years later that I was able to really start learning what i liked, what fit best, and am only now really practicing my makeup skills. So, this has been roughly 45 years that I have been developing my femme self.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I knew my desire to dress and wish I was female was never going away by my teens. Stupidly, I thought that somehow I could simply put it on "the shelf" and ignore it. So the purges followed. Even after I finally accepted the fact that "it" was never going to resolve, purges followed for the sake of family and career. When I returned to college in'92 to get my RN, I was working two jobs and taking 18 credits a semester so there was little time for anything else. But once my life settled into a routine I allowed my femme self to blossom again and when the stars align I get to shine occasionally. Life is good.

[Jennylace]

it's those shining times you get to be as you always wanted to be. you look great too good for you.

- - - Updated - - -

it takes time for everyone to find their look and every one of us has that certain pose or thing they do that defines our character. sounds like you have achieved confidence with makeup. I used to download face makeup pics and try to duplicate the look until I figured out about how it all worked together.
one trick I used to do when learning makeup was using a webcam I would use the screen as a mirror because my vision is not that great. I could zoom up on the eyes and get mascara perfect. and if you do it that way online pictures really look flawless. but again everyone has to find their way on there own at some point to be perfect. yours look fantastic.