Should I celebrate or not ?

[Teresa]

I started my divorce proceedings back at the end of February , we can do it oursleves through the Gov.org website in the UK , no outside legal vultures just pay your ?550.00 and sign the paperwork .

This morning I received notification that the case would be heard on 17th September to finalise the divorce if it is not opposed by either party .

I've been waiting for this moment for so long , I'm not having second thoughts but is it really cause for celebration ? There is so much water passed under the bridge in the last 46 years , good memories as well as some bad .

I do ask the question , " What if my wife had openly accepted my TG issues ?" but it wasn't to be or had the marriage run it's course anyway ?

To be fair to all the family it's possibly not something I should be shouting from the rooftops , I'm sure my children would have preferred it not to happen .

We should consider a marriage a partnership and importantly an equal one , support each other but at the same time allow each other space to be themselves , to me these are the reasons that finally made me decide divorce should happen , only now can I truly say I'm ME ! I've been happier in the last two years than I have been in a long time .

[Linda E. Woodworth]

No, not unless you want to rub salt into the wound.

[Bea_]

I'm sure any celebration that you could have would be bittersweet. I wouldn't begin to tell you what you "should do", but I'm thinking I'd want to have a new beginning event, even it wasn't a true celebration. That "event" may be as simple as a glass of wine by yourself or with a few friends, but give yourself a toast to the new...

Wishing you the best.

[GretchenM]

I fully agree with the concept you present in your last paragraph. Marriage is a sharing of lives and that does not include one dictating or controlling what the other one does do or doesn't do. I have always thought of marriage as a threesome. There are the two people and then a third person that is conceptual yet real and that person is called the "couple." The couple is what results from the respect and love that each of the two physical people produce through their interaction. It is the bond and is not only based on the connection between the two people but also the respect each give to the other and the freedom to be who they are so long as the respect factor is still honored. When one dominates the other, irrespective of which is the dominator, the third person suffers harm and when the "couple" fails to survive then the marriage declines to a close friendship or even a not so friendly relationship because one is not complying with the demands of the other. They can stay together or they can divorce or they can rebuild the strength of the third party, if that is possible and there is a large shift in attitude and desire to rebuild the relationship without the controlling attitude of one over the other. Of course, your mileage may vary, but when the "couple" dies there is not much left of the marriage.

As for celebrating, I don't see anything wrong with that provided it is kept low key and is not hurtful to other affected parties. The marriage has failed and although that is sad, with divorce, both are regaining their complete individual freedom to start over with someone else or just stay single. The marriage had become a burden that restrained you for being yourself and gaining freedom to fully do that is always something to be celebrated - freedom is precious but freedom also comes with a continuing responsibility to be respectful of the feelings of others and not rub the divorce in the former spouse's face or any other action that is a retribution or is vindictive. So sure, Teresa, have a little celebration if you wish, but still be respectful of the time you two shared as well as respectful of your ex. From what you say, I think you have that part already in your mind.

[Michaela Jane]

I divorced my wife of 33 years back in 2002. It really was no cause for celebration but it did take a huge weight off my shoulders. For the first time in many years I was able to be my own man.

[josie_S]

I think a certain kind of celebration is in order--it might start with a good, long cry and then move into quiet contemplation and validation around living your truth. But probably not popping champagne...

[Asew]

Sure. Obviously no big parties, but that is more because of covid and I don't really think you would do that anyway. But you can treat yourself and be happy about another step forward. You can be both happy for the future and happy for the past you had together.

[CarlaWestin]

One door closes and another opens. A partnership involves two or more people evaluating priorities as to relevance to the partnership. Both of your personal priorities seem to have been the most important thing. Things will never be perfect although it seems to always be the desirable goal. My wife and I just love each other and she does not accept my crossdressing at all. So I compartmentalize it away from her. I also don't suffer any negativity aimed at it. We enjoy and flourish in our loving partnership for the true value which is having each other. This certainly was not the case with my ex who pretended to be a willing partner as a rouse to bolster her divorce case which failed miserably. Live your life knowing that both of you have room to fulfill your own destiny. And don't forget to celebrate the things you've accomplished together.

[Teresa]

GretchenM,
As usual sense prevails many thanks for that .
I did suggest to my wife that she is still young enough to start over should she wish to , we should never say " Never !" . I feel we are both happier , we still have the good memories which remain intact as we've parted fairly amicably . I'm sure she feels her loss is greater than mine but I've never been too sure what motivates that .

Josie,
The tears fell two years ago when the removal truck left our old home with my belongings , the marriage really ended then .

Carla,
I guess that's what hurts the most we have two great kids and three grandchildren , we accomplished that together , the great thing is I haven't lost them through all this .

[Kelli_cd]

I feel some sort of celebration could be in order. Not a big public announcement or anything. Just something simple to acknowledge the occasion.

Kelli

[JocelynJames]

I don?t know about my X but I did not celebrate nor did I mope. It was done, we were both ready for it to be over , and I moved on. It?s really subjective. We are not you and don?t know ( except for what you?ve told us) what you went through.

[JennasPanties]

Well said Joss! But if that pink fog should appear, that?s a different story.

[docrobbysherry]

Celebrate what? Your divorce was a walk in the park.:)

Mine took 10 years, (3 longer than our marriage), with loads of courtroom drama, and cost me more $$ than u could ever imagine!:doh:
It put me in a 2 year, sexless, woman despising, funk! It wasn't until Sherry showed up to rescue me that my sex drive and interest in dating returned!

When my divorce was final? I was delirious!:drink::cheer::jumping:

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I agree I'm very lucky , the situation could be a whole lot worse .

Jocelyn ,
Over the years I've possibly said too much , I was in a real mess back in 2013 when I joined the forum , it's good to be a better place now .

[missjoann49]

Teresa, I feel sad for anyone that has to go through a divorce. Life is to short.
As long as you are happy in my mind that is celebration enough

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

I would counsel that once all is formally signed of at your next social gathering you tell those there of your change in circumstances and ask them to join you in a simple toast to your new life. Nothing bitter, mark the occasion a bit like a birthday which some might say it is. The birth of your full independence.

[Jenny22]

What would you celebrate? The loss of the woman you once deeply loved and who gave you two wonderful children and they your three grand children? Although a weight will have been lifted off your femme self, it's more a time of some sadness for both of you. Why celebrate sadness?

[Teresa]

Jenny,
When we first discussed separation we both felt a weight lifted off our shoulders , we talked more openly about many issues and checked out new homes for each other . We have tried to stay friends as much as possible OK some bitterness did creep in with my wife when the reality began to sink in . She's gradually getting over it even to the point of actually meeting me as Teresa , which at the moment she regrets but time will tell .

It would be more a celebration of happiness rather than sadness as we are both basically happier now , what is the point of remaining in an unhappy relationship ?

[Brianne_M]

Well said Gretchen. There is nothing wrong about marking the moment as long as it is respectful. Just my thoughts.

[candykowal]

I do know the pain those years leading up to moving out has been...it gets so bad, being unhappy isn't an option anymore.
But it still takes a lot of courage to do so.
It is nice that you will continue to get support, in your golden years, thru your children.
I do think you should celebrate in your own way, with your new like minded circle of friends, a new start, a second chance, with new experiences!
Maybe a get together for drinks and dinner, why not!
I often contemplated the consequences of my closeted ways should it becomes known and my wife takes the path so many other have gone.
I do not have children to rely on during my golden days and my brothers are all older with children supporting them.
May come a day I will be going back to my spinster days single and all alone.
Sure hope you surround yourself with good friends and wonderful lovers as being TG can be lonely at times!

[GaleWarning]

What's to celebrate, Teresa?
Your marriage ended two years ago when you moved out.
Since then, both you and your wife have moved on, thankfully, to a better place in each case.
In the same way that your marriage was simply a piece of paper, so your divorce is likewise.
Look after the divorce certificate - you will be needing it, so make several certified copies!!!

[Connie D50]

Teresa I think that based on many post I have read of yours, no celebration is necessary. Although I can only imagen it was very hard at first leaving after so many years. You seam to have been celebrating Teresa new life everyday now. Connie

[SaraLin]

I'd say..."Celebrate? no. Acknowledge? yes."

My first thought was that it's similar (on a much bigger scale, of course) to getting a flu shot or having your teeth cleaned.
It's not something that you look forward to.
It's not not something you like.
But it's something that needs to be done.

And when it's finished you can say "Well - that's over with. What a relief!" and you can get on with your life.
Perhaps even treat yourself a little bit for a job well done.

But celebrate? Umm-no.

[Alana Westenra]

...only now can I truly say I'm ME ! I've been happier in the last two years than I have been in a long time .

This is absolutely worth celebration. You've earned it, and if you're feeling liberated for the first time, you should absolutely celebrate that fact for the rest of your life IMHO. There are still so many places where people cannot even entertain the thought of exploring let alone declaring who they feel they really are. Celebrating your liberation does not have to mean condemning any part of your marriage or family, right? So if the take-away is your freedom and self-acceptance, then girl, its time to treat yourself right! I say Do a little (or Big) something everyday to celebrate your newly discovered one-ness! You're WORTH IT!

[Crissy 107]

I think it would be bittersweet at best and time to just move on.

[BTWimRobin]

When it's all said and done you'll do whatever is right for you.

[Teresa]

Alana,
My wife or soon to be EX would just call me selfish but I do feel what some of us suffer to find ourselves is hard fought for , struggling against a lack of acceptance to beleive in yourself deserves some sort of celebration , I feel you're right we are worthy of it .

Robin,
Maybe I'm too soft but I'm not one to rub salt in the wounds .

[Jenny22]

Teresa, you two have been in a paperless divorce since you moved out, and your sadness over that period of time has washed out, so sure! Celebrate a bit. As was suggested, take her out for dinner and drinks dressed as Teresa. She now needs to fully understand the "why" of the divorce. Enjoy which ever way you go.

[Teresa]

Jenny ,
Never going to happen she's seen me on just the one occasion back in February to bring me the marriage certificate to send with the application for the divorce . She threw her arms in the air when she walked in my front door and said , " Horrible , I can't deal with it !" afterwards she told me it's the worse thing she could have done , I told her it was the most sensible thing she had done , it had to happen at some point , at least she's seen me in reality and not in her imagination .

[AnnieMac]

No..........

[Shelly Preston]

Teresa,

Its not really a celebration, only the recurring date as the end of that chapter in your life.

[Teresa]

To all ,
Many thanks for all your comments , I could however have a twist to this story , what if my wife holds a big celebration ? I could be very naughty but I know just the dress to wear for such an occasion , invited or not I could consider gatecrashing wearing it .

[Taylor186]

Sounds like pink fog thinking to me.

[SaraLin]

To all ,
Many thanks for all your comments , I could however have a twist to this story , what if my wife holds a big celebration ? I could be very naughty but I know just the dress to wear for such an occasion , invited or not I could consider gatecrashing wearing it .

why on earth would you want to do such a thing? We all know what kind of train wreck that would turn into. She'd lose it. You'd be the villain. Neither one of you would gain from it. Unless you're being really vindictive and want to upset or hurt her, I see no point in crashing her event.

Now, IF she were accepting and open to the new you - that would maybe change things.
But - if that were the case, she wouldn't be throwing a big celebration party in the first place, would she?

[Teresa]

Sara,
Quite right , I'm not that vindictive only joking , she may have a drink with her friends more for solace , who knows she might be relieved it's all over .

[Vickie_CDTV]

How on earth is the demise of a 46 year commitment something to celebrate?

[Teresa]

Vickie,
It depends how happy or unhappy those 46 years were , we soldiered on bravely or doggedly for at least the last ten to fifteen years and to some we didn't have a bad marriage , some are suprised even now with our separation . You can't continue with that situation just to please others , we are both happier now , perhaps it was a mistake not to end it sooner .

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Hi Teresa - I actually dismissed my divorce proceedings for about a month, after I filed it. It was all personal. Nobody even knew. I had a very romantic notion of our marriage.

Being one of those legal eagles you disparage**, I knew what to do. But, it was time to do it. Memories in life are incredibly callous, sometimes. I’ve actually been married three times in 70plus years. This one will last till I die, or will it?

Conceivably, if I gave my wife and stepdaughter the whole dog and pony show of my crazy life, it might be too unbearable for them to continue. I could be back on my own again with Social Security and I might have to move to Mexico or Portugal for health care ... not the worst thing in the world, if I am healthy. Not likely but this is how I view life.

For you, life will not be the same but nobody keeps friends or lovers just because of the passage of time. These people must be relevant to your life as it is now. Whether that will happen with the ex, only time will tell. It should be no big deal, either way.
Take care. It will be fine. ❤️



**Re expensive, legal scallawags. They are usually expensive only when the people themselves are greedy. My experience. :)

[Teresa]

Robin,
I'm sure it won't be long before I'm still sommoned to help out with the grandsons along with the message to bring my tools , I doubt very much that piece of paper will change that aspect long term , leoprads don't change their spots ! I guess it's up to me if I change the ground rules . The important apsect is I'm only divorcing my wife not my children .

[colleen ps]

Teresa, the only thing you need to celebrate is the fact that you are finally who you need to be. You still have the kids, you still have the memories, both good and bad. you have new friends and probably still some of your old friends. As other have said, you were divorced the day you moved out! now it will just be another piece of paper. I have been reading your posts for a good few years now, and gone back in time to read your posts before i joined here. Its been a really long journey for you, but finally You have arrived at your true destination. Your happiness comes across so strong, it moves me more than i like to admit. It also make me realise how lucky i, and many others are and that acceptance from our partners is a gift. Who knows where you will journey to next! looking forward to reading about it for many years to come.

Stay happy, and enjoy your new life. but dont stop reflecting on the old. It can only get better from now on.

All the best.

Colleen.

[Teresa]

Colleen ,
Many thanks for those kind words . All our situations are different , the fact you can look into previous posts can help or guide with your own situation and hopefully make the right choices and not make the same mistakes as others .

I agree it's a gift to be able to share your needs with a wife /partner , in my case I feel the right decision was made obvioulsy after 46 years a painful one but more harm would have been done if we had tried to maintain a marriage . I accept it wasn't easy for my wife , I'm not sure which situation she would have been happier with , losing me to become a woman or losing me to another woman ?

Like many I have plans but at the moment they are on hold because of the current situation , the bottom line at the moment is just to stay safe and healthy and pick up the pieces when it's all over .

[CONSUELO]

Dear Teresa,

I don't come to this site much these days but when I do I always try to find Teresa's latest post. I have read most of your posts since you joined the site and watched the transformation of your life with great interest. It was a long and at times painful journey but you have arrived in a happier place. Celebrate by all means; perhaps a new outfit and a glass of wine on your terrace. But mostly enjoy what you have.

Best wishes

Consuelo

[alwayshave]

Teresa, It would seem that your divorce is a long time coming. However, I would not celebrate the divorce in view of your children. I hope all goes well on your court date.

[rian]

As i understand from your blog that both of you got divorce because your wife did not accept your crossdressing ....? if this is only the case it is sad because she could not accept the fact that you are Teresa ....another woman .challenging her ....too bad because she lost the loving husband you are and the loving freind you might had been as well ....yet some women do not accept the image of the man in house to be switched off ...

[Teresa]

Rian,
Yes that was the situation but my CDing wasn't only problem , she felt uncomfortable about the role reversal , I saw no problem with putting a meal on the table for her when she arrived home from work , to take over the cleaning and laundary , I will add at that point not as Teresa , I was trapped in a no win situation . I have said this before but intimate contact ceased well over ten years previous , it appears in the end she just lost the unpaid handyman .