Crossdressing vs. porn addiction: Why are GG's often less hostile towards the latter?

[Leslie Langford]

I can't presume to speak for members of this community, but addiction to porn (soft-core, hard-core, internet or otherwise etc.) seems to be very prevalent among the rest of the "normal" male population. And like our crossdressing, it is often pursued in a furtive, clandestine manner, as the perpetrators realize that their wives or SO's would not be overly thrilled if they knew what they were up to in their spare time. And, like us, they often get "busted" in due course because they didn't always cover their tracks sufficiently.

And yet - once caught, porn addicts don't seem to attract the same extreme degree of negativity towards their predilection the way we do over our crossdressing...kind of a "boys will be boys" resigned reaction after the excrement has hit the ventilator, followed by the inevitable cooling down of emotions. Why don't we crossdressers often get this same level of understanding and acceptance after we have been "outed", and are often banished to the purgatory known as DADT instead?

The usual rationale given for this negative reaction by GG's is is that many women see our crossdressing as an affront to their femininity and visual evidence that leads to feelings of inadequacy and being less sexy or physically attractive to us than they would like to be. Never mind that we were born this way, and that crossdressing has nothing to do with either sex or gender or physical attraction...it is just how we are wired, always have been, and always will be.

All that said, cannot the very same criticisms be directed towards a porn addiction as well despite the fact that the "addicts" often get more of a "free pass" for their particular compulsion than we do? Is it the fact that it is simply more common and therefore more "mainstream", and by default - more acceptable? Is it because it might be considered a more "manly" activity despite the more unsavoury aspects of it? A combination of the two? Clearly, pure logic has little to do with this apparent contradiction.

Thoughts, anyone?

[Paulie Birmingham]

Considering the number of divorce filings that mention porn, I'm not that sure that women are less hostile to porn addiction.

[Robertacd]

I don't think it's seeing crossdressing as an affront to their femininity as much as it's "I married a man, and I want to be married to a man."

Also porn stays in the home, while we often want to go out in public and be accepted. That takes the above and adds the "public humiliation" of everyone knowing you have a CD husband or being perceived as a gay female couple.

[Dutchess]

M ex husband was terribly addicted to trans porn . I mean just hopelessly . It AFFECTED his crossdressing and how he saw himself - a 20 something hot little t girl instead of a middle aged man wearing fetish clothes in public ( out of a fetish situation, I mean ) . He grew to having 5 old phones and one laptop he used for it , I mean it was constant . He once left me waiting in a hot car to go back in the house and indulge with another cd'er he met while I thought he forgot his sunglasses !!
I can laugh about it now but it wasn't too funny then . Most of you longtimers all remember his guy anyway , you all me helped get the courage to GO .

I can assure you that porn was what broke us up and not the dressing , but in his case the dressing was fueled by it. He would be 55 now and started on that path in the netherlands when he was 17 and it was actually encouraged there so .. I could not compete with that an didn't want to anyway . I was always being compared to a young Asian or South American trans person and simply did not need that . No one does .
I got zero intimacy with him , the porn took it all . He became just super wired to respond to that and not real live people . I dont care what I did , he would not respond to me the way he did to the porn .

CDing in no way infuriates me the way a porn addiction does . I never thought anything could be worse that being married to an alcoholic but that porn addiction just about rivals it .
For me CD-ing PALES in comparison to porn addiction . It will ruin your life . CD-ing MAY cause alot of trouble for some ,yes, but porn addiction will 100% ruin your life .

[AngelaYVR]

I find this an odd comparison and a bit of a straw man. Why porn? I think a better subject would be golf, it is expensive and eats up loads of time, creating golf widows in the process.

I think the whole forum knows that Leslie is deeply unhappy with her home situation. Whether or not porn is better accepted than cross dressing is a pointless pursuit. Pulling out a bogeyman is not going to convince an SO to shrug her shoulders and suddenly agree with your dressing.

[Teresa]

Leslie,
I would say it depends if it's passive porn or active , sitting in front of a computer is one thing but taking an active part is something else possibly made worse depending on the gender of others involved .

I've never taken very much interest myself but I would say porn could have upset my wife more than the dressing did . Personally I feel more comfortable knowing my marriage ended through my TG issues rather than ending through porn addiction .

I remember a story sometime ago in my home town , I heard a group of guys would get together to watch amateur porn over a few beers , the proverbial **** hit the fan when one of the guys realised he was watching his wife perform in one of the videos .

[Micki_Finn]

It’s really apples and oranges. Porn addiction is an addiction. Crossdressing for many of us is an identity. There’s also a big difference between watching porn and having a porn addiction.

[Aunt Kelly]

Dutchess has nailed it. Not a surprise, since she has had the poor fortune to live through it. What she describes is textbook addiction. Why anyone would consider that less "offensive" than crossdressing is beyond me.

[Robertacd]

After reading what Dutchess wrote I guess I have never met anyone actually addicted to porn.

[docrobbysherry]

1st off, Leslie, there's porn and there's PORN!:doh:
Remember, "boys will be boys". Women expect that.:)

If the guy's into naked women tied up, no big deal! My ex knew I liked that. No issue.:thumbsup:

Now, let's say u catch your guy watching child or animal porn!:eek:
NOT acceptable!:Angry3:

2nd, throw out your comparison. Change it to hobbies/addictions like playing soccer/golf/watching sports and knitting! Which one would your SO find least acceptable?:heehee:

[Leslie Langford]

I find this an odd comparison and a bit of a straw man. Why porn? I think a better subject would be golf, it is expensive and eats up loads of time, creating golf widows in the process.

I think the whole forum knows that Leslie is deeply unhappy with her home situation. Whether or not porn is better accepted than cross dressing is a pointless pursuit. Pulling out a bogeyman is not going to convince an SO to shrug her shoulders and suddenly agree with your dressing.

Why are you flipping this question around onto me personally and trying to make it sound as if I am attempting to organize a "pity party" for myself to help me lament my DADT situation with my wife? My question was of a general (philosophical?) nature, and was addressed to this audience as a whole as many other members here are in situations like mine and trying to figure out why our particular "vice" is so odious to some GG's, whereas other "real" men engage in far more egregious behaviour - like addictive porn - and often get a free pass for that because, after all, they are just "bad boys" and really can't help themselves - as if! And I can assure you that while I may have many flaws and habits that some may want to hold me accountable for, addiction to porn is not one of them.

The reason I chose porn as my analogy was that on some level, many wives or SO's might perceive both of them as being an affront to their sexuality, desirability, and overall attractiveness...in other words, our female alter egos in their minds might represent an unwanted third party in the relationship, not unlike the affection some porn addicts might have for specific porn stars...a form of virtual cheating, if you will. Hardly a proper comparison with golf where perhaps inordinate amounts of time and money may be spent on this passtime while taking precious time away from the relationship. That's certainly not in the same league as alienation of affection, an accusation which could conceivably be laid at the doorstep of both crossdressing and porn addiction by these wives and SO's, albeit with some subtle distinctions between the two. Which part of this comparison don't you understand? Clearly, Dutchess, among others, "got it".

[Natalie5004]

Well I am in a DSDS. So, my wife came out and said to me that because I CD, I do not like women.
I stopped her. "That is absolutely not true." I told her. I love women.

I dress to be like the women I love. I have sisters. A wife, close female friends. (I would love to show all of them how I look dressed).

Sure I will look at porn. I think I could do porn and be in less trouble with wife than if I do my show and tell......

[Rileyaz]

Well I am in a DSDS. So, my wife came out and said to me that because I CD, I do not like women.
I stopped her. "That is absolutely not true." I told her. I love women.

I dress to be like the women I love. I have sisters. A wife, close female friends. (I would love to show all of them how I look dressed).

Sure I will look at porn. I think I could do porn and be in less trouble with wife than if I do my show and tell......

What the heck is DSDS?

[sometimes_miss]

Crossdressing and a porn addiction are two entirely different things. I'm not sure how you could even begin to compare a woman's dislike for either of them. It's like asking why someone doesn't like the color blue as opposed to why they don't like horse racing; they dislike them for entirely different reasons. Same as the dislike for porn, or a man's crossdressing. There's no commonality between the two.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know if the premise of your question is correct. Once a wife understands cross dressing has nothing to do with her sexuality then other emotions come into play. The range of porn on the internet is so overwhelming. The women I know are extremely hostile towards porn because of the manner in which they believe it depicts women. I went off and "Googled" the question of women and porn. It seems women also access porn, although from what I read it did not say what type of porn.

My opinion, based on seven decades of listening to women, is any addiction which leaves the women alone out in left field is bad for a marriage. Yes, there are golf widows. A guy and gal work Monday through Friday. The weekend comes and he is off to the golf course. Or it could be football; college on Saturday, pro on Sunday. Bring me the pizza and beer, dear. Right on the top of his head! I've seen marriages break up because the guy or gal ignored the partner.

My wife told me decades ago after considering everything "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" For us it was that simple. Cross dressing in "Your thing." To my wife porn would be a reflection of how a man views women. There is more to this than watching men or women with no clothes on.

[Star01]

My wife and I used to use porn as a mood setter in the bedroom until our sex life came to an end due to her health concerns and she has a liberal opinion about mainstream porn. She used to prefer porn made by women and didn't tolerate anything degrading and certainly nothing illegal so she has no reason to spy on me. Consequently, a little bit of streaming porn to facilitate relaxation is fine with her as she knows men's sex drive doesn't stop when a woman is approaching 70 and has health issues that preclude intercourse. There are extreme and illegal types of porn that I would never watch and she would not approve of so I guess if there is such a thing as a responsible porn viewer that is what I am.

I don't look at porn viewing as an addiction and obviously it's something I'm not doing excessively. We are not religious and I think that's where the guilt and concept of porn addiction comes from. Or to put it another way, one crossdresser's porn addiction is another crossdresser's whole sex life.

[DTelia]

I think it?s a fair question. However, I think it?s really a question or concern about balance.

If you?re spending a lot of your life consumed by any one thing, it can lead to unhealthy and compulsive behavior. Crossdressing is definitely one of those things that can cause behavior that isn?t healthy to living a balanced and even successful life.

I am sure some on here will take issue to this. But the reality is that addictive behaviors can ruin a life and lives (family, friends, etc). Our compulsions if they go unchecked begin to shape our lives where we prioritize our drive over other things that do matter more.

But interestingly enough, your post caught my eye because I?ve never really been pulled in by pornography...it doesn?t float my boat. I am attracted to femininity, and so my eyes will look for the things that I enjoy...woman?s curves, hair, cheekbones, ponytail, etc...not for porn reasons, but the simple beautiful feminine reasons. My wife knows this and says all the time that she?s grateful I don?t have an issue with porn. I know plenty of marriages that have been destroyed by porn...and I do believe it?s lead to some of the bigger issues in our society...even some to the extreme. I teach my children to avoid it completely and I will advise them to beware of it in their marriage as well.

I guess my point is mostly that we should be careful to compare...I get your original comment...and maybe for you and for me...there?s something there there....but I?m trying not to judge someone for sinning differently than I do (I?m not saying you?re doing that by the way...nor am I implying that crossdressing on its own is a sin).

It?s all about balance.

In fact, my wife wants me to dress largely so that I maintain some level of balance (even though it is a pretty rare event).

[Gillian Gigs]

From my prospective porn causes a guy to become dissatisfied to whom he is married. A wife can't compete with some electronic image, in a surrealistic world where the guy get everything that he wants. When looking at the sexual side of CD'ing, the guy has this ideal inside his head off what he would want in a woman. He dresses to that ideal and his wife is left to complete with the ideal within his head. It can be a no win situation whether it is porn, or CD'ing from her way of thinking.

Anything can become an addiction, if it rules an individuals life. ANYTHING

I do appreciate what Stephanie47 wife said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" Some women are looking for one kind of man, while another woman is looking for something totally different, who really knows why she married that particular individual. Love is deaf, dumb, blind ,and stupid, so I have been told!

Marriage is about compromise, both individuals should be looking for a win-win situation. If a CD'er wants to wear his 'frillies' in the bedroom, he had better find out what 'floats her boat' and be prepared to give it to her until she crys no more. As the expression goes, 'happy wife, happy life', whether you agree with it or not, it might be true from her prospective!

[kimdl93]

If a woman is indeed more tolerant with porn addiction I would hypothesize that porn addiction does not pose the same issues, especially if its conventional m/f or f/f. When you dress as a woman, its almost instinctive for your partner to wonder if you want to be a woman. That is simply not what most women are wired for.

[alwayshave]

Leslie, in my home, it is my wife that loves porn, not me. Should I be upset? The question is rhetorical, doesn't bother me.

[GaleWarning]

One aspect of watching porn which has not been covered is this: The sex in a porn movie is loveless. This is why there is so much concern over young people having too easy access to pornogrphy - it screws their minds; as a guy, over what the sex act ought to be about - as a gal, what a man really ought to be seeking in the woman of his dreams.

Is the act of crossdressing loveless? In private? In a loving relationship? In a DADT relationalship? In a forced feminisation porn movie?

I think I'll start a new thread. Don't want to hijack this thread.

[Star01]

My wife never had any issues with porn back when we were still having sex but her health issues put an end to sex at around 65. She used to order most of our collection of VHS porn tapes from one of the mail order services and we made enough orders that we got the free bonus tapes.

That is my take on it. Porn does generally have a male slant but there is porn produced by women that isn't so male centered. I have read about and seen interviews of people who claim to have had a porn addiction.

[Dutchess]

I am FAR from religious at all and it absolutely wrecked my relationship with my ex husband , I don't know if you or Gale read my post upthread but this pagan gal learned to hate it honestly . CDing, if not a hidden thing that takes up your whole life , does not bother me . I am certainly NO prude and actually pretty wild , but I would not deal with the likes of that (porn) again .

[Karmen]

I think most GGs consider normal for men to watch porn, because they're men and horny all the time (stereotype, but nevertheless). It sounds like normal male behaviour, even if they don't like that. Crossdressing is something they don't consider normal male behaviour and don't even know how to handle it and feel helpless and betrayed, because we hide our biggest secret from them. Porn probably only becomes a problem, if they feel threatened by it (strange ideas, get pushed aside due to porn, religions prejudice, etc).

[rian]

To woman in general it is logic that men desire women sexuality ....yet discovering that we are crossdressers serve the opposite idea that we no more desire them and that is scary to them