i don't know where else to ask this...am i really a transsexual?

[jasmine1995]

hi,


i hope this is not too graphic but i am writing this because i'm not sure where else to ask this. as you can tell i'm new here: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?270813-i-am-jasmine

i always knew i was a girl. i'm 25, was a transkid and lived most of my life as a girl. i got to dress at home from age 7 and at 12 i began t-blockers. we also got my name changed and i was able to go to school and live publicly as a girl. around this same age i also became sexual. not with people but through self pleasure (masturbation). being able to be myself and my growing confidence in becoming a young woman, along with some of the clothes was a turn on. about a year and a half later i began estrogen. i'm fairly happy but i have been considering reassignment surgery because i've wanted it my whole life but wondered if i was a transsexual. i have qualities i associate with crossdressing, like i still sometimes get turned on by what i'm wearing and i got off after my quinceanera while still wearing the dress. i know i have gender dysphoria about my genitals though. to everyone in society i'm just another college girl. i have the curves, i have the voice, everything but i want to be complete. i just worry am i really transsexual when i still have qualities associated with pleasure dressing?

[kimdl93]

I think you are somewhat confused about what constitutes a transsexual. Rather than offer a totally baseless opinion, I will suggest instead that you talk to a competent gender therapist.

[Jeri Ann]

You started T blockers at age 12 and Estrogen at 13 1/2? Hmm, you do not mention therapy, counseling or medical intervention.

This post, as well as most of your others, focus on cross dressing.

Determining whether or not you are transsexual should be determined with the help of a qualified therapist, not responses on an online forum.

Get professional help.

[Lana Mae]

I agree with the others! You need a good gender therapist to help direct you by asking the right questions so you can find the answers! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Katya@]

It makes no difference what label you are, transsexual or non-binary. It is just a such a major surgery that besides health risks, it will have a lifelong implications, like ability to have kids,.or even be able to find a significant other. It is also a procedure you can defer even if you convince yourself it is the right thing for you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

First and foremost you need to discuss this with a medical professional.

Bear in mind that SRS is not all it is cracked up to be, at least for some people. There can be serious complications both short term (a friend of mine almost bled to death after her surgery), and long term (loss of depth, sensation, post-op depression etc.) If you can live with the genitals you have, you are really better off remaining as you are. And I say this as someone who is part of the "sex change industry."

And like Katya said (hi there Katya!), there can be implications for future relationships. Especially if you are only attracted to GGs/cis women. It is hard enough finding a GG when you are a feminine but physiologically intact male, even harder with breasts and/or a vagina. SRS will also leave you completely infertile.

[Dorit]

Besides the good advice to seek professional help I would like to add my experience. It seems quite common among transsexuals to sexualize "cross dressing" in puberty. I did. I eventually out grew it. I never outgrew my being transsexual, it only was confirmed as my sex drive lessened as I grew older.

[Teresa]

Jasmine,
Jeri Ann makes a very vaid point but my concern is did you self medicate at such an early age or was it under professional guidance ?

The age period you talk about really is a melting pot for most individuals let alone TG ones , so much goes on and we make so many assumptions often totally misguided . At times sexual satisfaction can be at odds with true gender feelings but hormones are at their peak so it's not surprising people can be utterly confused .

Often it can be read into threads like this that some people feel they are doing something wrong , their behavior is unacceptable , at times like this the only course is seek professional help , and let them sort out the correct labels .

[Sarah Doepner]

I only have two observations, first is my agreement with the others that a therapist would be a great asset in your life. Second is sexuality is so strong during that part of life it shouldn't be mistaken for anything other than a very healthy and active libido.

[Krisi]

Basing you life and decisions on the advice of strangers on the Internet is not wise. You need to see a qualified professional therapist who is experience in these issues. You also need to understand that a "sex change" is not something that can be undone. Be absolutely certain that is what you want before you do it.

[jasmine1995]

You started T blockers at age 12 and Estrogen at 13 1/2? Hmm, you do not mention therapy, counseling or medical intervention.

i thought i mentioned this in a different post elsewhere. i saw a child psychologist periodically from 6-14. she is the reason along with my dad that my mom (who was very against trans anything) allowed me to be myself.



This post, as well as most of your others, focus on cross dressing.


well it is a forum primarily aimed at a crossdressers...



Determining whether or not you are transsexual should be determined with the help of a qualified therapist, not responses on an online forum.

i understand that. but i came here for the advice and life experience of others who may or may not be like me not a professional medical opinion which i would obviously get before surgery. for what it's worth when i was 17 i saw a therapist for non-trans stuff, just stuff having to do with stress and worry about graduating and going to college. she thought i was transsexual but we didn't focus on my gender dysphoria but the other life challenges i was facing at the time.



Get professional help.

of course.


I agree with the others! You need a good gender therapist to help direct you by asking the right questions so you can find the answers! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

thanks. i have seen a therapist most of my childhood life and when the subject came up in my early teens it was always something i didn't really have to think to hard about or decide then. like my parents and therapist went to great lengths to leave things as open ended for me as possible but now i'm in my mid 20s and feel this would be the right time for me to do so. again, i'm not looking for medical advice, i can see a therapist for that. i'm just asking for opinions based on your experiences or those of people you know.


It makes no difference what label you are, transsexual or non-binary. It is just a such a major surgery that besides health risks, it will have a lifelong implications, like ability to have kids,.or even be able to find a significant other.

i understand this and have done a ton of research into the surgery, risks, i've even narrowed down which surgeons i'd consider.


It is also a procedure you can defer even if you convince yourself it is the right thing for you.

which is what i've done until down. it was always something i always told myself i can defer but lately it's become something i've been giving a lot of thought to. like i feel ready but i just want to hear other opinions. as for being able to find a significant other, that has not been a problem for me. guys find me attractive and i only get serious with ones who are ok with me being trans. if anything i'd think surgery would open up my options more than narrow them?


First and foremost you need to discuss this with a medical professional.

Bear in mind that SRS is not all it is cracked up to be, at least for some people. There can be serious complications both short term (a friend of mine almost bled to death after her surgery), and long term (loss of depth, sensation, post-op depression etc.) If you can live with the genitals you have, you are really better off remaining as you are. And I say this as someone who is part of the "sex change industry."

interesting. i have read a ton of research which states most are happier after surgery. anecdotally, i have two friends, one younger, one older than me who both have had surgery and other than some minor stuff during recovery they are happy, sensate (one told me she is extremely sensitive down there) and the younger one feels she would have been deeply depressed and suicidal had she *not* had surgery. perhaps surgery has progressed and is better today than it was years ago? most i've heard who are not sensate either had surgery a long time ago (decades) or when they were a lot older than i am now (like in their 40s or more). as for me i have never had any attachment to my genitals other than feeling they are wrong and that i should have female genitalia. i don't want to remain as i am but i also want to have the full range of understanding of what i might expect.



And like Katya said (hi there Katya!), there can be implications for future relationships. Especially if you are only attracted to GGs/cis women. It is hard enough finding a GG when you are a feminine but physiologically intact male, even harder with breasts and/or a vagina.

good thing i am mostly into guys and have no shortage of ones who want to be with me. i'm not really into women and never had a girlfriend nor wanted one. i did make out with a girl at an EDM festival once but we were both rolling on molly so it was more a sensual, intimacy thing aided by the heightened sense of touch MDMA gives, thing than a romantic or sexual desire. she was lesbian and had a girlfriend she had just split up with and told me she was attracted to "mostly straight" bi girls. i'm just mostly into dudes though and have a boyfriend of several years.



SRS will also leave you completely infertile.

i've thought of this quite a bit too. i even discussed this with my current boyfriend who i've been seeing now for years. we talked about what it could be like if we ever got married and wanted to have kids. our conclusion is that while adoption would be an option, we'd like to use a surrogate who would have a child with both of our DNA if possible (there are three parent children now).

[Lana Mae]

Jasmine, I will relate about another who is a (trans)woman! She was given such a hard time by her parents that she became an emancipated minor at 16 and had the surgeries! She is a successful business woman and I believe she is happy with her decision! What I am saying is, it is totally up to you where you go with this! Just go into it with your eyes wide open! Best wishes with your decision! Hugs Lana Mae

[jasmine1995]

Besides the good advice to seek professional help I would like to add my experience. It seems quite common among transsexuals to sexualize "cross dressing" in puberty. I did. I eventually out grew it. I never outgrew my being transsexual, it only was confirmed as my sex drive lessened as I grew older.

this is exactly the type of personal experience response i came here for, sort of a trans "big sister" type experience. i did not know it was common among transsexuals to sexualize "cross dressing" in puberty!!!! i thought i was weird or something because i never hear about this from other transsexuals. like i said, i always knew i was this way and that i probably would grow up to be a woman and possibly have surgery. i don't have a crazy sex drive or anything like when i was in puberty. i think t-blockers and estrogen over the years i had something to do with that as i never really had a male puberty. however, i was boy crazy as most girls around that age are. i don't ever see myself outgrowing being transsexual if that's what i am either. all through my childhood i was always told 'you might outgrow this' but that never happened.



Jasmine, I will relate about another who is a (trans)woman! She was given such a hard time by her parents that she became an emancipated minor at 16 and had the surgeries! She is a successful business woman and I believe she is happy with her decision! What I am saying is, it is totally up to you where you go with this! Just go into it with your eyes wide open! Best wishes with your decision! Hugs Lana Mae

thank you for this! i also like how you put trans in parenthesis () because like i bet she thinks of herself as a woman first.
so do i, i'm only trans to people who know me from childhood or close friends or boyfriends i became very close to. for most of the world i'm just a woman like any other cisgender woman. i love my life mostly and am happy mostly except that question of whether to have surgery or not went from a small one to being one i'm thinking a lot about. i am certainly going to see someone and i know that i will have no trouble getting a letter recommending me for surgery given my life's experience up to this point.



I only have two observations, first is my agreement with the others that a therapist would be a great asset in your life. Second is sexuality is so strong during that part of life it shouldn't be mistaken for anything other than a very healthy and active libido.

thank you Sarah.



Jasmine,
Jeri Ann makes a very vaid point but my concern is did you self medicate at such an early age or was it under professional guidance ?

a little of both.

i had professional guidance for the t-blockers but i started estrogen earlier and at a smaller prescribed dose than originally intended. they wanted me to wait until i was 14 or even 15 to start estrogen sooner. i *really* wanted to start sooner so the compromise and recommendation was that i start at 13 and a half but at a lower, half the dosage than what my endocrinologist would give me if i was 14 or 15. so i did some googling and found an online pharmacy that no questions asked sent me the other half of the dosage. i get my doctor was being overly cautious, just as how my child psych was when she told my parents i could always grow out of this until it became clear i wasn't not growing out of it but growing into who i am now. i just didn't want my development to be years behind other girls my age. yes, my doctor found out about 2 months later what i had done but i was not in any health danger and clearly i was determined so everyone, my parents, doctor and i got me on the normal dose .


The age period you talk about really is a melting pot for most individuals let alone TG ones , so much goes on and we make so many assumptions often totally misguided . At times sexual satisfaction can be at odds with true gender feelings but hormones are at their peak so it's not surprising people can be utterly confused .

i just want to clarify, i was never confused about whether i was a girl. i was confused about whether i was transsexual if i kept that sexual stuff quiet in therapy sessions. i was embarrassed to admit i got turned on by wearing certain things because i associated that just with crossdressing and i didn't think of myself as a crossdresser as i had been wearing girl clothes for years. it only became sexual in that time period.


Often it can be read into threads like this that some people feel they are doing something wrong , their behavior is unacceptable , at times like this the only course is seek professional help , and let them sort out the correct labels .

i understand. like i said, i was embarrassed and afraid to admit the sexual stuff because i thought it would jeopardize me being able to be myself. like i thought, "if my parents or therapist think i'm a crossdresser maybe i won't be allowed to go to school as a girl anymore and they'll take away my t-blockers and hormones". i know that probably sounds strange but that's how my mind worked back then. now as an adult, with 13 years of living publicly as a girl/young woman and living away from home i no longer have the fear that my progress will be taken away from me so i can talk about it with a therapist.

[Katya@]

Hi Jasmine,
From your responses, I see you are level headed person and very reasonable. I think you're on the right track and your inner voice has been right so far. I wish you good luck on your journey. Stay in touch.
Katya

[Dorit]

[/QUOTE]

i just want to clarify, i was never confused about whether i was a girl. i was confused about whether i was transsexual if i kept that sexual stuff quiet in therapy sessions. i was embarrassed to admit i got turned on by wearing certain things because i associated that just with crossdressing and i didn't think of myself as a crossdresser as i had been wearing girl clothes for years. it only became sexual in that time period.



i understand. like i said, i was embarrassed and afraid to admit the sexual stuff because i thought it would jeopardize me being able to be myself. like i thought, "if my parents or therapist think i'm a crossdresser maybe i won't be allowed to go to school as a girl anymore and they'll take away my t-blockers and hormones". i know that probably sounds strange but that's how my mind worked back then. now as an adult, with 13 years of living publicly as a girl/young woman and living away from home i no longer have the fear that my progress will be taken away from me so i can talk about it with a therapist.[/QUOTE]

I totally get you, Jasmine. Me too, ashamed and embarrassed about the sexual stuff associated with crossdressing. You are in away fortunate that unlike me, it did not take you too long to realize that your were NOT crossdressing. I think you have a lot of understanding about who you are. I can only wish you the happiness that will come when you complete your transition.

[Teresa]

Jasmine,
Many thanks for taking the time to reply to everyone's questions . I'm sure you'll do the right thing and I wish you all the best for the future .

[Nadine Spirit]

this is exactly the type of personal experience response i came here for, sort of a trans "big sister" type experience. i did not know it was common among transsexuals to sexualize "cross dressing" in puberty!!!!


i just want to clarify, i was never confused about whether i was a girl. i was confused about whether i was transsexual if i kept that sexual stuff quiet in therapy sessions. i was embarrassed to admit i got turned on by wearing certain things because i associated that just with crossdressing and i didn't think of myself as a crossdresser as i had been wearing girl clothes for years. it only became sexual in that time period.


i understand. like i said, i was embarrassed and afraid to admit the sexual stuff because i thought it would jeopardize me being able to be myself.

In my opinion, yes you are transexual. The sexuality of it all does not diminish you being transsexual. Well in my opinion at least. I do understand that there is a large group of TS women who will state that no it has nothing to do with sex and has never been sexual for them. That's just great. But those very same thoughts personally kept me from transitioning for at least 5-10 years while I debated if I was "trans" enough. I spent many of my younger years believing that all I had was a sexual fetish. It did not actually get super sexual for me until my 20s. At that point I was sure all I had was a sexual fetish. My 30s I spent believing that I was a cross dresser, I just liked women's clothing but I didn't realize I am a woman. I thought that TS women knew their entire lives that they were TS without a doubt and had no confusion about it. In my 40s I finally accepted I was transgender, but it took until I was 45 (3 year ago) to change my hormones. It took until January of this year to make a GCS appointment.

So..... if I can consider myself as transsexual now at this point, would I consider you to be so as well? YES!

[DressyJenny]

I hope everything works out for you honey. It sounds like you have a level head and take all the necessary steps before your final decision.

[OCCarly]

FWIW, I think you are speaking to the wrong audience. The forum membership here tends to skew older. There have been several threads in the past asking if anyone on here is under 40. The answers to that is maybe 10% of the crossdresser population and here in the transgender forum you are the first one I've met. Everyone I know on this forum is over 50, including myself. AFAIK, just about everyone here who transitioned did so in their late thirties/early forties or later -- and this is important, because if you do have bottom surgery, it will be a far, far different experience for you than that of anyone who transitioned in adulthood.

I am sure you know that for anyone who went on puberty blockers, penile inversion does not work, and a successful vaginoplasty depends on extensive skin grafting. But for those of us who lived some part of our adult lives as men (unless born intersex and smaller than average like me) no skin grafting is necessary, and the risk of infections and non age related complications is much lower. You really need to talk to someone your own age who transitioned in childhood about the surgery. I know fifty year olds who hopped in a bicycle or a motorcycle within a few weeks after the surgery, but with Jazz Jennings, things definitely did not go that way.

I have not heard you mention the social considerations, either. Before transition, I had my "Wolf Pack," a group of guys I had hung with since high school. Now they've been replaced by a group of women I knew as girls in high school, and I have other women friends I know from work. One of my primary concerns in getting surgery was in not being able to get fully naked while changing in front of other women for the beach, the pool, or the gym -- because women engage in locker room talk too, but we talk about different stuff. I do not know how you socialize, but for us of a certain age, if I want to fully run with my girls, I need to have a VJ in order to avoid untimely dashes to the restroom to do a tuck and tape, or undo one and redo one.

I just think you really need to find a place to talk to some folks your own age if you are looking for experiential knowledge, because for older folks like me who have lived most of our adult lives as men, the experience is so very, very different.

[Sometimes Steffi]

When I started reading this thread, my answer was yes, of course you are transexual. You have all the markers. Knew early, puberty blockers and estrogen in early teens, persistent thinking you are a girl. I was surprised how many people didn't really want to give you an answer. After reading all your responses, I am convinced that you are transexual.

I met a CD about 10 years ago, at least I thought she was a CD. But she talked about how when she was 5, going to bed every night praying to wake up as a girl, and being disappointed the next morning. She went through a normal man's life, got married, had 2 kids. Her wife knew that she CD'd. A couple years after I first met her, she "socially" transitioned, meaning that she was always in girl mode. Her wife and kids accepted her, her church accepted her, she transitioned at work. She even changed jobs/companies as a girl. And she became a real girly girl, if you know what I mean.

To this day, I don't know what path she took to transition, I don't know if she's on hormones, but I think she probably is based on her looks. I don't know if she had FF, BA or SRS surgery. I don't think she had FF, but it's not really polite to ask about BA or SRS, so I don't really know. But, as the Billie Joel song goes, "She's always a woman to me."

I guess what I'm trying to get to is that you don't need surgery to be a transwoman. Since you were on hormones and T-blockers as a teen, I expect that you have a femme face, a femme voice, a femm figure and feminine hips and breasts.

If, I've got this right, your real question is whether you need SRS to be a transwoman. This is where I get off the train. I'm a part time CD, maybe bigender or gender fluid. I don't feel like a girl. One of the questions that comes up a lot here is whether you were picked last or close to last for athletic teams. That was not me. I was often the one doing the picking, or if not, I was one of the first ones picked in baseball, football, basketball or hockey. Nobody played soccer in my neighborhood. I was even recruited by some of the older boys to play ball or hockey with them.

I think you may need to had a discussion with a professional about SRS, but besides that, I think you have your head screwed on straight.

[samantha rogers]

OK so I?m always the rebel let me chime in.

First off, because I don?t believe in the binary, I?m not so big on any kind of label outside of maybe transgender itself. But be that as it may. I would just focus on being yourself and doing whatever you need to do with yourself to remain sane. The best advice I ever got when I started this journey was to never go one step further than I had to go to remain sane and not put a gun in my mouth. And I followed that advice and it serves me well.
Just two considerations for you. Both fairly practical.
As someone else mentioned, having been on blockers so long, it is possible (only you will know) that your genitals never were allowed to fully mature. If your penis is still relatively small then at the very least I would follow the advice of the doctor that I go to which would be to go off all female hormones for period of time and actually supplement with testosterone for a period of time prior to surgery to try to allow your penis to achieve the mature size necessary for successful surgery resulting in a vagina of sufficient depth. There are horror stories about girls who failed to do so.
Secondly, I also date men exclusively. Be aware that many men are attracted to transgender women, but only because we are preop. I know countless girls who have had successful dating lives with men only to find that once they had surgery their perspective suitors dropped off precipitously. I also know girls who have been in very successful relationships with men right up until the point where they announced they were having surgery and then were dumped by their lovers. I know it seems shallow? But men are shallow? And many of them are only interested in trans girls because they?re different. Once we have a vagina we enter the same general pool as all cis women and often at multiple disadvantages. I doubt this is the case with you based on what you?ve said? But it is something to consider I think.
Regardless, I?m sure you?ll make the right decision for you? And I wish you all the best