Need advice

[Amber83]

Hi ladies! It's been a while since I've been on here. Haven't had much time to dress up as one of my kids are always home. My wife is completely fine with me dressing up. Now I'm needing some advice. I've really been thinking here lately about opening up and wearing some of my fem clothes at home with my kids there. I have not told them about my fem side. In my mind, I feel that holding this secret from them, isn't showing them that's it's acceptable to dress however one feels to, and also one should be comfortable with what they wear. My wife is on board with me wearing fem clothes in front of them. We have 4 kids left at home. Ages 10, 13, 16, and 17. Should I open up to them about my secret side? Again, I feel that holding it back from them until they are adults and out of the house could be interpreted into me being ashamed to do it. We want to teach them that it is acceptable and nothing wrong in being comfortable. The girls already watch Jeffrey Star on YouTube and there are a few boys at their high school that dress up. Have a great day ladies!

[Robertacd]

IF you wife agrees then go for it.

[chelyann]

talk to wife and then kind of ask kids their view on trans people

[MonicaPVD]

Anyone under the age of 30 in 2020 is likely unphased by gender identity matters. To kids today, being trans or nonbinary is like being left-handed. However, even the most open minded kid can have all kinds of assumptions about their dad. Talk with your wife to make absolutely certain that she is OK with your idea. If she's fine, then talk with your kids about it before you show up in a dress. Let them process the concept before they lay their eyes on you dressed. It will make things much smoother for everyone.

[JoanneNY]

I'm with Monika 100% on her advice, first solidify your approach with your wife and like is said often on this site, take baby steps, don't blast it out to them. the older ones should be fine with what comes to them from nearly everywhere but the younger ones may need a softer approach. One way or the other, yes, put it out there and open it up to all. My hope is that it goes well for you.

PS: Monika, being left handed most often leads to being ambidextrous, something most Righties can't do.

[Amber83]

My wife is 100% on board with it and is encouraging me to do it. Now would it be okay to let my kids know that this is a secret and not to tell anyone? As I will let others know that need to know? I ask because my parents are completely against this kind of thing and would possibly disown me or condemn me for dressing up. Don't really want to hear a lecture about it.

[Di]

If your wife is on Board yes why not!
But a BIG NO to it being a secret That is just wrong and putting pressure on them. Kids have enough on their shoulders.
You are not doing anything wrong so the secret thing is just WRONG ....that will show the kids it is something to be ashamed of.
As far as your parents .....you need to work that out.
I feel very strongly on this it would be nothing but selfish on your part if you made it a secret for them to keep.

[Teresa]

Amber,
I'm inclined to agree with Di , think hard because your kids needs maybe more important than yours . I know from my two when they were that age they still needed help and guidance , I also agree they should be old enough to understand but when the secret is out and it's not fair to expect them to keep it a secret and if so will they suffer the consequences from their friends ?

The whole issue of coming out is about you , what is the bottom line , is dressing at home enough for you ? I feel you need to think about the implications of you needing more , can you handle it and more important can they . I'm being realistic and honest because from experinece I know it doesn't stop there .

[Suranne]

The only way that these things can ever be sorted is by talking them through with all the people who matter. Monica makes a fair point in that young people today are in a very different place from where we were at that age. It is much less of a thing these days. Teresa makes an interesting point about at what level you will end up in the futiure and that, for all of us is unknown, and also, that will likely happen anyway if you tell or don't tell. As your wife is supportive and encouraging then that's the best possible of starts, you'll be able to present a united front and the kids will be able to bounce their thoughts and ideas off of her too. One the face of it, this looks to be a good situation, but as ever, it can also go wrong and bite you in the bum. All the best in whatever you choose to do.

[Kay J]

Man i don't think it is going to be a secret once the kids knows its going to slip out sometime so be perpared! Just my 2 cents worth.

[rian]

My advise to you is to prepare them by open discussions first with them to see their reaction ,,,they might surprise you ,,,yet caution is advisable ,,,,discuss this with your wife how to approach the issue ... with the kids has to start with open discussions ,,,,,in my case the secret is being hold only between me and my wife due to our closed environment ...you might have the same thing ....yet preparation is advisable before opening to your kids ....

[char GG]

Since you've asked, this is just my opinion.

One thing is for sure, they will probably tell not only their friends, but also teachers and relatives. Once a secret is out, it can't be controlled. If you don't care who knows, then go for it.

However, since you plan on keeping CDing a secret, don't tell your kids. As Di, said, they should not be expected to keep your secret. Kids have enough problems just being kids without carrying the burden of a parent's secret.

It's wonderful that you have an understanding wife, maybe it's best if you just continue to enjoy that relationship for now. Obviously, it's your choice.

[Amber83]

Thanks so much for the advice given so far. A lot to think about. Guess I didn't think it clearly asking for my kids to keep it a secret. It will not be asked that they keep it a secret. My wife is truly wonderful in being extremely supportive. The same goes for my step daughter as she knows and is very supportive as well. My only plans if I were to get the courage to go out fully dressed in public were to go to a different city to do so. My wife has been wanting to do a girl's weekend away from home.

[Krisi]

My advice for anyone is to not tell anyone that you are a crossdresser unless they need to know. Most wives are going to keep this a secret just because of the embarrassment of having a husband who wears women's clothes.

Children are not going to understand this and it's pretty likely that they will let your "secret" out. Then it won't be a secret any more.

Are you comfortable with the neighbors knowing that you are a crossdresser? How about your co-workers? Your boss? Your preacher?

Remember, you cannot "unring" the bell. Once this gets out, it stays out.

[Paulie Birmingham]

10, 13 &16 year olds have enough to deal with without having to understand why their dad cds.

Adults spend years trying to figure it out. Let them be kids.

[Teresa]

Amber,
If it's any help some , of the members of my social groups make weekends of the event at the hotel but some still choose not to tell their children even if they are adults , it works for them .

[April Rose]

When I came out to my son he was 22. He told me he had known since he was 14. He was fine with it.

My larger point is: How do you know they don't know already? If you want to control the terms under which they find out about you, the only way to do that is to tell them yourself.

The timing of that is your judgement. But tell before show. Give them time to digest the idea.

[Kim Summers]

Now would it be okay to let my kids know that this is a secret and not to tell anyone?

Amber just remember that once you tell someone your secret it is no longer your secret to keep. Are your kids at that age going to be able to keep it a secret?

X x x

[BTWimRobin]

It's great your wife is supportive of you wanting to come out to you kids. Like the others have said.. don't expect them to keep your secret. They may talk with their friends about it. Also, if you tell them not to tell anyone you are making it sound like you are doing something you're ashamed of. Good luck!

[Joyce Swindell]

What would happen if you started by wearing what you want to be comfortable and see the reactions?

[Stephanie47]

If you're going to tell your kids that you're a cross dresser, then do not ask them to keep your secret. On the one hand you feel uncomfortable keeping cross dressing from them as it may suggest cross dressing is something negative, then you tell them not to talk about your secret? Aren't you telling them the same thing? When cross dressing gets out to the world you cannot put the Genie back in the bottle. Everyone in the family will share the fallout. You already stated your parents are hostile toward cross dressing. So what happens to the grandparent-grandchild relationship?

If you're going to teach your children there is nothing wrong with wearing women's attire, and, wear such in front of them, why not wear a sundress and heels to the neighborhood BBQ or the church supper?

[DTelia]

Hi ladies! It's been a while since I've been on here. Haven't had much time to dress up as one of my kids are always home. My wife is completely fine with me dressing up. Now I'm needing some advice. I've really been thinking here lately about opening up and wearing some of my fem clothes at home with my kids there. I have not told them about my fem side. In my mind, I feel that holding this secret from them, isn't showing them that's it's acceptable to dress however one feels to, and also one should be comfortable with what they wear. My wife is on board with me wearing fem clothes in front of them. We have 4 kids left at home. Ages 10, 13, 16, and 17. Should I open up to them about my secret side? Again, I feel that holding it back from them until they are adults and out of the house could be interpreted into me being ashamed to do it. We want to teach them that it is acceptable and nothing wrong in being comfortable. The girls already watch Jeffrey Star on YouTube and there are a few boys at their high school that dress up. Have a great day ladies!

Being a kid is already hard and sometimes confusing (Covid by the way, doesn’t help). The risk of negatively impacting their young lives and how they view the world isnt worth it in my opinion. The risk/cost is too great. What do you hope to gain by doing this...simply more time to dress? Its also a signal to your wife that you care more about cross dressing than your children. I wouldn’t do it. And the gain isn’t much.

Good luck

[DianaW]

I have nothing new to add that hasn't already been said. But I want to add my voice to the list of those saying don't burden your children by asking them to keep it secret. Maybe the oldest child is mature enough to handle it but I'd suspect the youngest definitely isn't. Just be aware that if you do tell them your secret may be inadvertently outed.

[kimdl93]

The key words are my wife is on board. Your motivations seem entirely appropriate - to model healthy behaviors, including being honest and open about oneself, and demonstrating that your particular non-conformity is entirely acceptable. Best of luck.

As for telling them its a secret...this would be a good time to talk to them about making judgements. The teenagers are all entering that time of life when they will increasingly need to make decisions for themselves. Holding them to a secret is probably not the way to approach it, but rather to say, here things to consider as they individually make that decisions about what and who to tell. The ten year old is a little trickier. As a parent, you have an obligation to help the child make good choices and model that process, so that future decisions are made wisely as possible.

Think of all the negative things kids do keep secret in some households. Dad may be a drunk, or beats up the kids. Mom may be deeply depressed and frighteningly suicidal. My older brother was caught “driving someone else’s car without permission...”. I disagree with the idea that kids will make it a habit of telling anyone and everyone, especially if its not a traumatic thing, but rather treated as natural, non-threatening and positive by both parents.

[Micki_Finn]

I think it?s fine. They?re old enough to understand. I agree that if you tell your kids, you should?t ask them to keep it a secret Not because it?s a ?burden? on kids. That?s stupid. Kids keep secrets all the time and to imply that this is somehow going to destroy their childhood grossly underestimates the resilience of children. Would you tell a gay parent that they should hide that from their child to ?spare them the burden??

If your whole point of telling your kids is to teach them that it?s ok to be yourself and express yourself however you want, then telling them to keep it a secret COMPLETELY undermines that point.

[Jenny22]

Would your kids tell/let slip your folks, even if innocently done? A secret could be along the line of.. 'it's not a secret for you to keep, but your mom and I would prefer that you not talk about it'. When you reveal, also have your step daughter there to lend support as your wife will. If you have selfies, ask them if they would like to see some of them. I'll bet they'd say YES. Don't dress in front of them unless they ask you to. Then do it nicely. Good luck.

[fun4metoo2004]

I think you will find your kids are more accepting than the adults are. Mine did not seem phased by it one bit.

[susanmichelle]

First and foremost make sure it?s 100% ok with your wife. As far as the kids are concerned you have to look at it in several aspects. How have they been brought up open minded, is it going to cause them emotional distress like with their friends school mates etc. Because if you tell them it won?t take long they might slip and tell one or more of their friends. Ty en they might have homophobic children that might think bad of them or bullies that would think differently because they found out. I believe it?s something to take caution about for many of those reasons. You said there are four didn?t say if their all boys girls etc. it seems girls seem more open to accept then boys. I hope you have a good father son relationship with your boys too you have to explain to them you?ll be the same way with them as before still the same guy inside. You just have a softer side that your wife accepts as well and both do it together. Not trying to give advice just thoughts to do it right if that?s what you do end up going through with. Just my 2 cents worth . I?ll be like a puppy dog now and hush 🤫 I wish you the best no matter what you do.

[Angie G]

I agree with Monica. And wish you good luck hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Stephanie Julianna]

It sounds like you have a loving family based simply on your wife's acceptance. I know how accepting we are of others so you and her must be raising your children in kind. Years ago, my daughters, when they were 12 and 15 found my stash of underwear and books about crossdressers. They eventually approached me and were worried that their older brother 18 was a crossdresser, showing me the evidence. I was not going to throw him under the bus and admitted to them that I was the person that they had actually uncovered. Amazingly, they both made big sighs of relief thankful that it was me. My son is 6'1" and they thought he could never look like a girl and he would be frustrated. At 5'5" they told me that with the right clothes and such I could pass and they were fine with it. The moral of this story is that your kids will always love you and trust in the way you raised them. Its obvious that you love them and that you are not a selfish person. Otherwise you would not be so concerned about telling them. All my kids, now 48, 45, and 42 know and they still love me and we have a loving relationship. My wife does not want to see me dressed but my girls have and my son prefers not to see. We found our comfortable place and life has been fine.

[jacques]

hello Amber,
there is a good chance that your children already know something about your crossdressing - after all they are clever and have known you all their life. They may already be in a DADT relationship with you without you realising.
I would suggest that the most important thing is that you must consider their views and do not embarrass them. They may be fine with you wearing less obviously women's clothing at home (tee-shirts, shorts, trousers, hoodies...), but would they appreciate it if you we wearing a dress when their friend's visit?
It is also important that you do not lie about your crossdressing. I look at my crossdressing as something I do in private rather than in secret. I have never discussed it with my (now adult) children, but I am sure they know about it. They also probably know that my wife and I have adult intimate time together ... but for some reason they pretend that does not happen!
What ever you decide I hope it goes well for all of you,
luv J

[Amy Lynn3]

Lord knows I am not the best person to seek advise from, but I do have a comment. It will be up to you and your wife if you tell the children. However, if you do I think it may go better if you let the cat out of the bag easy so to speak.

Ask the children if you may talk to them. Tell them something along these lines. Say your Mom wears cloths I think are beautiful and I tried some on in my size and I like them. Ask, how would you feel if you came home one day and I had on something normally worn by women. Say nothing about being secret, even to your parents. Parents may know you do something, but they will still love you.

If your wife and kids are onboard with you wearing what you want.... who else matters ? I feel after you tell your children it will be in one ear and out the other and for the life of me I don't see any child running around and proclaiming to the world, "my Dad wears women's cloths".

[Back in the closet]

Hi ladies! It's been a while since I've been on here. Haven't had much time to dress up as one of my kids are always home. My wife is completely fine with me dressing up. Now I'm needing some advice. I've really been thinking here lately about opening up and wearing some of my fem clothes at home with my kids there. I have not told them about my fem side. In my mind, I feel that holding this secret from them, isn't showing them that's it's acceptable to dress however one feels to, and also one should be comfortable with what they wear. My wife is on board with me wearing fem clothes in front of them. We have 4 kids left at home. Ages 10, 13, 16, and 17. Should I open up to them about my secret side? Again, I feel that holding it back from them until they are adults and out of the house could be interpreted into me being ashamed to do it. We want to teach them that it is acceptable and nothing wrong in being comfortable. The girls already watch Jeffrey Star on YouTube and there are a few boys at their high school that dress up. Have a great day ladies!

Dear Amber; I was in the same situation for years. I have total support from my wife. We both decided not to tell our kids. Children are subject to cruel treatment from their peers. If this found its' way outside the home, who knows what can happen. I general, the world is still not ready for us. It is better to keep things on the safe side and keep this confidential till the youngest is well into the adult world. Our kids are well into their late thirties and they still don't know, however they do suspect. In spite of their suspicions, no one has asked or inquired. As for the children accepting adults dressing up, well it will be up to them to accept or not. I really don't think by divulging this will help them accept (at least not at this time in their life. Melissa Ann.

[NancySue]

We had the same situation. Be sure your wife is totally on board...I mean totally. We think your children are too young and impressionable to understand or accept. As others have mentioned, there?s so much on children?s plate today, the odds of understanding and acceptance are nil. And..kids talk. Where do they learn most things? Yes, from other classmates. Your secret will be out. If you?re prepared for that...move ahead.