What insecurities do passable, pretty TS have?

[Nicole Erin]

Seems they have it all.
You know like these TG on youtube or whatever who are really cute and totally passable, unlike some of us (me)?

What do they worry about? What insecurities do they have?

[Katya@]

Like any other women?

[Teresa]

Erin,
Consider your question for a moment , they also have insecurities but can solve them for a few moments by posing for passable pictures , otherwise we assume they live better lives than the rest of us . Life really is what you make it , accept what you pass as and get on with it . Insecurities come down to everyday living , will I have enough money , will my health hold up , the basics affect everyone irrespective of gender or how cute or passable they may look .

At times it can be an amusing situation , you may chat over the fence with a neighbour and they may be thinking your grass is greener while you could be thinking the same thing about them !

[Cheryl T]

[QUOTE=Teresa;4470072
At times it can be an amusing situation , you may chat over the fence with a neighbour and they may be thinking your grass is greener while you could be thinking the same thing about them ![/QUOTE]

So true. We all like to think that life can be better, especially when we see someone like us that appears to have it all.

[Jeri Ann]

I would think that pretty, passable trans women would have the same insecurities as pretty passable cis women. Insecurity is not limited to trans people.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Don't go there.

It's not a competition.

All kinds of unfairness and inequality in the world.

Would it make you feel better or worse to hear they have no insecurity and their life is perfect or that they have deep deep sadness and insecurity worse than anything you can comprehend?

[Aunt Kelly]

Agree... The premise is that less pretty/passable trans women are less secure than the pretty and passable. I am neither pretty nor passable and I do not fell any less "secure" for it.

[AllieSF]

Ask them!! Only they know or someone like them.

[Nadine Spirit]

As I am massively insecure my therapist and I discuss insecurities often. In her experience, everyone she has dealt with has insecurities, including people who appear totally confident in themselves from the outside.

The prettiest trans girl I have met in real life is also now the one who has had the most appearance changing surgeries. She was beautiful before them, and after them, but she still thinks she does not pass and is looking towards her next operation to do the trick. I call it chasing happiness, but to each their own and more power to her to do to herself what she would like. But it is a slippery slope once you start going down that path.

[Maid_Marion]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Common statement that applies here.
It is tough to be constantly judged by a fickle public.
And be constantly bombarded with photoshopped images of tantalizing examples of beauty.
Worse, everyone knows it is fleeting.

It took years for Taylor Swift, a mega million pop star,
to deal with her insecurities about how she should look.

I think her natural beauty is the difference maker between her being super rich and "just another millionaire."
It doesn't hurt that her team has a lot of business sense.

Marion

[April Rose]

The best adjusted, most self assured, socially integrated transwoman I know is often misgendered. Her friends and family all love and respect her. That is what we should be aiming for, not what we look like in pictures.

[candykowal]

Ha...if we could read minds. I think everyone has concerns about "fitting in" when going out and about with other like minded friends in your circles.
We usually go to a nightclub to dance or mingle.
If that nightclub caters to gay men, being heterosexual, I get a bit uncomfortable at all the male attention but have no problems when I am at a club catering to the lesbian crowd.
I have issues even walking into the mens clothes section at a department store while presenting as a lady but no problems buying lingerie when presenting as a male.
Of course, even genetic women have concerns about weight, even fashion models.
I do not think you loose that concern about things no matter how "perfect" you present.

[samantha rogers]

I don?t claim either attribute, as neither, particularly ?passing?, is of importance to me. Living everyday in a world that, for the most part only recognizes a stupid binary, I opt, for convenience, to fit in as best I can. And I seem to be doing ok, bc nobody points and laughs ... I don?t make children cry? And there aren?t any dogs barking at me as I walk by?and most everyone treats me as they would any other woman. I don?t know if they know or not? I don?t really care as long as they don?t treat me badly? And no one does. But make no mistake. I know exactly who I am? A transgender woman? And I remind myself of this before I walk out of the house every morning. And anyone asking is told point-blank that yeah of course ...I?m transgender. Fortunately for me this rarely happens? But I have no problem if it does. I?m not ashamed of being transgender at all. Rather... I?m proud of it. Most women only have to be born to be recognized as female. I had to crawl through decades of crap to get where I am and I?m proud of that. I don?t believe we should have to change to fit into a world with an outmoded idea of what gender is. Rather I think we should all be working towards getting that world to change to make room for us exactly as we are.
And as to insecurity? I don?t know any woman that doesn?t have insecurities about her appearance. Not a single one.

[Katya@]

Most women only have to be born to be recognized as female. I had to crawl through decades of crap to get where I am and I'm proud of that.

Love it !

[Fran Moore]

[. Most women only have to be born to be recognized as female. I had to crawl through decades of crap to get where I am and I?m proud of that. I don?t believe we should have to change to fit into a world with an outmoded idea of what gender is. Rather I think we should all be working towards getting that world to change to make room for us exactly as we are.
And as to insecurity? I don?t know any woman that doesn?t have insecurities about her appearance. Not a single one.[/QUOTE]

So true ~:)

[AllieSF]

I echo exactly what you have written Samantha. So very well said. Thanks,

Allie

[Nicole Erin]

Would it make you feel better or worse to hear they have no insecurity and their life is perfect or that they have deep deep sadness and insecurity worse than anything you can comprehend?

Mostly curious what it would be like to have passing privilege.
Just seems to me like they would have "made it".

[Nadine Spirit]

Okay....... I appear to have passing privilege. I say it that way as I personally don't think I pass, but my expectations for myself are pretty harsh. Even though I am 48, I seem to desire to appear as though I am 20 year old cis female, and that is just NOT going to happen.

Anywho..... as far as strangers go, I pass, always. I do not remember the last time I was misgendered by a stranger, on the phone or in person. I;m not even sure the last time I got funky looks from anyone. I guess that means that I pass. At least that is what my therapist and my wife keep telling me.

Much of my doubt, and my difficulties even though I do pass, is that from family, friends, and coworkers, I do get misgendered. And it happens often, and it has been happening consistently since my transition. It becomes difficult for me because it introduces doubt into the system. Why do they constantly misgender me if I do honestly pass so darn well? I have to understand that for this group of people it would not matter how I look, they would still misgender me because for them it is some type of psychological issue, and not a result of my appearance.

But it does not feel as though I "have it made." Yes it is nice to pass, but there are more difficulties in being trans than merely passing. I know to those that don't life must be very challenging and you have my deepest sympathies, but please understand that it is not the end all be all, and I still struggle. It was just last January that I had a terrible bout of suicidal thoughts, because of some extreme dysphoria flare-ups.

Who am I jealous of? Those who knew and transitioned early. I've got a friend who transitioned super young and her hair is glorious! I mean just stunning! Oh to have known and taken action earlier. We all dream of having attributes that we that we think would make the difference, but alas, I know for me personally what do I really want? To have been born with the body of an AFAB. Anything less is hard.

[Jeri Ann]

Mostly curious what it would be like to have passing privilege.
Just seems to me like they would have "made it".

There are those who think that I have "made it." If it is possible to complete transition, I have. Electrolysis completed 40 years ago, HRT for 20 years now, surgeries are all behind me. I am single with no debt, a nice car and freedom to go and do whatever I please. The doubts and insecurities I have now are similar to the ones I had before transition and revolve around life issues in general.

I pass most of the time, I think. To know for sure I would have to know what other people see and think. Neither of those are my business or a concern to me. It seems that passing, as it is often discussed here, implies that you have been successful in fooling someone into thinking you are a ciswoman. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. It really doesn't matter. There was a time when that was a concern for me. I was presenting in public when it was against the law here in Houston. There was risk involved, not to mention the fallout. After transitioning things change, they have to.

When transition became inevitable for me I decided that the best way to successfully transition was to "Burn the ships", no plan B, no escape clause. There was nothing about my previous life that I could return to anyway. What I focused on was the physical and legal changes that were necessary to align with who and what I had always been. The rest just fell into place. I did not have to learn to be a woman, I just stopped pretending to be a guy.

I am not cute or totally passable but who cares. There is nothing else I can do about that. Plus, there is life to live. Yesterday I went to the clinic, bank, Walmart, supermarket, PetSmart and Target. I was treated with dignity and respect every place I went. I expect that I passed as a cis woman but, again, how could I know what others are thinking? My focus was on my to-do list and my shopping list.

I did start feeling insecure when Walmart didn't have a coffee maker that I was looking for. Mine died yesterday morning. I got even more nervous when the giant supermarket that I go to didn't have what I wanted either. I felt better when I found an acceptable replacement at Target. I couldn't face today without my morning coffee.

I am not making light of the op. Questions like this generate great discussion. For trans women, I have found that there is no one size fits all. Everyone has a different story as evidenced by the responses here. But, there is a point when you just have to get on with life. Do what you must to be you. Everyone has a right to space on his planet. And, finally, what other people think is none of your business.

[Teresa]

Jeri Ann ,
As usual you find all the right words , I would like to make a point about the line , " I'm not cute or totally passable !" Going back to Erin's thread why is the suggestion that so called , " Cute , passable " trans people have better lives ? Do we have to point a discriminatory finger at the media or Youtube suggesting only " perfect " people live perfect lives ?
I'm happy to say I have insecurities , they make me a more interesting person because I'm not perfect , I can laugh at myself and take a ribbing from others . A perfect world must be very boring .

[Micki_Finn]

Mostly curious what it would be like to have passing privilege.
Just seems to me like they would have "made it".

What exactly is “passing privilege”? You mean like the 3 beautiful trans influencers who were robbed, mocked, and brutally beaten while people just watched on as they begged for someone to call the police?

The grass isn’t always greener.

[Dorit]

Do I pass as a CIS women? Do I pass as a transgender women? I don't really know which is the case as I don't ask people. The point is that I am accepted as a female! I am always properly gendered and related to as such. The worst thing for me personally would be to be seen as a "man in a dress." I guess you might call this my "passing privilege." I realize that this is not the case with all MTF transsexuals. So I get to move, connect, and belong in society with other women as one of them. This has given me a better life.

[Teresa]

Maybe we should get this " Passing privilege " in context . I'm sure many people here have seen men bullied and put down because others didn't think they passed as men , I can recall many situations at school and in my teenage years and surprisingly even adults behaving in the same manner . Women can be just as cruel to other women .

When someone poses the " Passing " question , to me the obvious answer is " As what ? " I feel Nadine makes a very valid point in her example of the stunning TS , once on that " Passing " treadmill it becomes never ending . When her last procedure is complete she will still have insecurities about herself .

Dorit,
That fear of being seen or considered a " Man in a dress " is a very odd one , to some it encourages them to go OTT with clothes, makeup etc. and yet I had to rush down to my local builder's merchant to get some plumbing items wearing an old Tshirt , scruffy jeans and workboots and got called " Madam " twice . I hate to say this but both guys just saw blond hair and boobs and joined up the dots as female !

[Peggie Lee]

One passing privilege I have is Being over 70 with long gray hair people just don?t notice me and with a very feminine voice, this is offset by being 6ft 1 and 100 kilos and very broad shoulders ( think Linebacker or Rugby ). My shear size tends to trigger people into looking at me.

[NicoleRenee]

I am reading thru all these responses and had to sit back and take it all in. There is some really great advice here. A lot of truth. As I start my journey into transition, this can only help not just me but anyone who wants to. I went out this morning all dressed up and noticed all the looks, was called ma'am and all the second and third looks. It felt really good. Something I do, I am close to passable, when I get the looks....I just think to myself, they see a beautiful person, well put together. It helps me anyway.

[Jeri Ann]

This is the Transsexual Forum. Anyone can post here but comments need to be related to the OP and/or TS or transition topics. A discussion about "passing" could easily go in the Cross dressing section. Here it needs to relate to transitioning.

[MarieTS]

Same as any GG. Just ask!

[Krisi]

I would think that one of the biggest insecurities a transwoman would have is her past being revealed. The fact that she was born male. The fact that she was in the Boy Scouts or Little League Baseball team. The fact that there's no record of her with her current name before the age of her transition. The fact that she can't produce a high school or college diploma with her name on it.

[Jeri Ann]

I changed my name on college records, service record with the Texas Education Agency and I have new college diplomas.

For relationships I would never recommend trying to deceive anyone. Even people who know my past have a tendency to forget it because there are just no reminders, only evidence of the present.

For employment, in most cases your history shouldn't matter. In cases where a background check is required your past will come up and make a difference in some very conservative areas.

I am convinced that your name will never be changed completely. There are nooks and crannies in cyberspace where your dead name exists and no one seems to know where to find it, much less change it.

Credit reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion will have your dead name as part of your credit history.

Considering the original post, if someone transitions at an early age, then they do not have much to reveal. The more past you have, the more complicated it gets.

Day to day stealth is the easiest way. there is just no need for your past to be known.

This whole thread actually centers around concern about what others perceive and think about you. I have learned that what other people think is none of my business. Safety and livelihood are to be considered, of course. I moved from the area where I spent my entire life because of safety.

[Teresa]

Jeri Ann,
I agree with your comment about old names never leaving cyberspace , if I do a search now on photographers my business name will come up , do they ever get deleted from Google , Yell.com or whatever ?

Krisi,
I'm finding I don't have problem with people knowing my past , the point is I'm not ashamed of it and people still show some respect for the life I lived as a man . If you show true conviction they will also respect you for the new life you've chosen .

The one surprise I've found is people soon forget what the man looked like but they may not forget the person . One comment recently from the owner of the garage I take my car to said, " It makes very little difference to me , the fact is you're still that nice person " .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

No erasers for digital info... Some of it gets overwhelmed with new information and fades to almost nothing..

I still get many letter and junk mail from old name. Sometimes I get robo calls...

Life is infinitely complicated. "Stealth". "Transition" "passable and pretty" are words that struggle to match that complexity.


I think we all kind of "just know" what those words mean, but there is alot more to it.

It's no wonder there is alot of insecurity specific to trans life.

[Krisi]

Teresa, I'm sure it depends on the individual and the way she lives her life. I'm thinking of the person who is trying to act like she was born female and is "just like everybody else". I suppose if you're open about your situation, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Some time ago, perhaps a few years ago, someone posted here (and directed at me) that there are thousands of transwomen living among us that we think were born female. Neighbors, co-workers, etc. Even married women and their husbands have no idea. I pretty much doubt this is the case, but I didn't see any point in arguing.

Obviously, if you are married to a man who doesn't know you were born male, your past being revealed would be a big concern. Same for dating, etc.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
I really have no fears anymore , because I've ended up in a situation where I'm totally in the open , I'm sure happiness only comes when that point is reached .

The possibility of more trans people living amonst us maybe true , lets not forget we must include women as well as men in that situtuation , also not all are married or with a fulltime partner , so some people live easily under the radar . On the whole being married or with a fulltime partner does make it more difficult to avoid people knowing about gender issues .

[Ericka_d]

I think I can pass most days. At least with out talking. Do I have incurties? I sure do. Even on the days I feel good about my self. I wish I wasn't 6ft tall, I had a different voice, my butt was bigger, and some days I worry about my makeup.

My hairdresser has helped me a lot with them. Not in a physical way, but more in a mental way. She always says postive things. She has even given me the you are beautiful speech. That many women give to their teenage daughters.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's wonderful Ericka.
Its a really good observation

It seems like that is a great way to get your gender identity reflected back at you... its just you, a woman, and her hairdresser.

[kimdl93]

One of the great gifts my mother gave me was the name ‘Kimberly’ on my birth certificate :) As to the OP, I surely do not pass, but I have a pleasant personality!

[Ericka_d]

Kaitlyn, I think it helps with her background. She grew up around the trans and gay community. So she knows how to deal with me. Shes given my advice on pretty munch every thing, and I still have a lot to learn. After she found out I have no sisters. She took me under her arm. She has basically become the sister I never had. As she is only a few years older then me.