Dadt

[Di]

*Sometimes here we read the wife ends up being portrayed as the "bad guy/gal" in a situation where CDing is withheld from the beginning but the cder now claims that this is "such a huge part of their life". And have anger towards the wife over the reveal not going as you hoped . And a DADT from there on


*Others after being found out it sounds like it is just hidden again but some here call it a DADT but it is really just hidden again.

*But then also there are some that as a couple together make boundaries and and the wife just does not want to see or hear for the most part . ( This would probably be the most successful)

These three seem to be what I see a lot.Please clue me in , how do you end up in a DADT?
Is it what you want?
Have you started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?

What would you wish for in your relationship.?
What advice do you have for couples after what you have gone through?
Lets talk about DADT.

[docrobbysherry]

Nice post, Di. Too many here think DADT means SHAL! Sneak, Hide, And Lie!:Angry3:

I had an excellent experience with my adult daughter who moved out in Feb. She moved in with me full time when she was 18. The previous 15 years I shared custody with my ex. So, 1/2 of every week, and every other weekend, Sherry had the house to herself! :D

After nearly getting caught many times? I felt I had to tell her. She did NOT approve! So, we worked out a compromise. I tried to dress when she was out. But, either way, I told when and where in the house or yard I planned to dress so she could avoid seeing me. Except for one accidental viewing of Sherry? Our arrangement worked perfectly for 6 years! :thumbsup:

[Di]

That was a great compromise Sherry. Glad it worked out so well.

[Pumped]

Mine DADT started it after my wife found a pair of my panties. She laid them out for me to find and didn't say anything. By the time I found them we had friends over for dinner. It was a strange evening until the left and we could talk. We went through the "talk", she didn't want anything to do with it, I purged and was miserable, but after a few months I accumulated a few items and dressed only when I was out of town which was weekly. A couple months later she wanted to talk and gave her approval, but didn't want to see any of it. I wonder if she knew, but has never said anything. The DADT period was probably a year. It has slowly evolved to us shopping together, and having "girls" nights on the weekends, dressing up, painting out nails and hanging out together.

The time was probably over a 3-4 year period, so it didn't change quickly. I remember the first time she saw me dressed she just wrinkled up her nose, she was not impressed, and it wasn't a good feeling. These days I can put together an new outfit and she gets a kick out of what I come up with. I tend to dress a bit on the trashy side, with a few conservative outfits tossed in. I let her know I like to have fun with it, I am not trying to pass, not trying to impress, just be a bit crazy.

[Di]

Pumped, Sounds like these days it is going much better for you both. Good to hear.

[Crissy 107]

Good topic to discuss.
I had suppressed my feminine side for many years and really thought I could continue that way. Around 7 years ago, for some reason I was thinking about CD’ing and found another similar site like this and immediately joined. In no time I had gained the confidence to talk with my wife. The talk went well and of course with a bunch of questions. My wife was apprehensive but said who was it really hurting. My wife offered me some of her panties that did not quite fit her anymore. A couple of days later she had laid out 19 pairs on our bed and called me upstairs. Needless to say I was very happy and thanked her immensely. She also bought me a few things in addition to giving me more things she did not want.
We started wearing matching panties most days and happy to show each other after showering. Without getting into it our fun in the bedroom took off. This continued for several months. She went away on a trip with a girlfriend and when she came back things were different. She was more aloof and the fun we had ended. I thought for sure she spoke to her girlfriend but she said she did not. I tried talking and she did not want to. I asked without pushing things too much and all she would say she thought it was a phase I was going through. I explained it was not a phase and had been in me since I was young. She refused to believe it.
I never pushed things and was going slow, very slow and knew from others not to screw things up by overstepping or going too fast. I never wore her things behind her back, I knew better, but when she asked me if I had I answered honestly that I had not though I think she did think I was not telling her the truth.
Before she had gone away she had given me a gift card to get my first pedicure, it was at her salon but was told by the nail tech that guys do not get color. I then found my own salon and have been there over 6 years.
My wife went from being so very good to barely tolerant and it has remained that way. I do what I can when I can and do continue to get pedicures every 4/5 weeks. She really does not care to see my color but I do walk around not hiding it.
This is my story and wish it was different but at least I get to do some things but not at all what I would love to do.
Sorry this was so long.

[JoanneNY]

Mine started when my wife found my water balloons i carelessly left on the dresser. she just asked what they were there for and that led to the opening discussion. the result was, "OK, If that makes you happy than fine, but I do not want to ever see it". So began my DADT life but it went near totaly dormant when the big "C" entered the picture and my sole focus was on her and it. We had 45 years of a good life until I became a widower, and then the fog came on full force and here I am.

[Di]

Crissy, Not too long at all and I appreciate your explanation very much.
williewallie, I bet she felt the same way 45 years of the good life.

[DianeT]

Hi Di, I don't know if it qualifies as DADT, but my wife isn't in a hurry to see me, and I am not in a hurry for her to see me. A reason why I changed to a silhouette avatar when she joined and never showed her any pictures. On her side, she's not attracted to males presenting as females (although she's fine with men wearing skirts or dresses as long as they present as males), on my side I like to lounge alone when I do it and don't need nor desire attention in the process. It's not DADT per se however because we speak openly of what I do exactly when I "dress". So it's more Do Tell but Don't Show.
Take care.

[Di]

DianeT, Perfect
That works Do tell but Do not not show.
This exactly what I want to read , how it got there , does it work? Seems to work perfectly in your case. I am all for what keeps a loving relationship together.

[SaraLin]

OK - here goes...

First, I'm what I call "semi DADT" Panties and nighties are OK. Anything else, she doesn't want to see.
Funny - but since I'm retired, I probably spend more time in my "comfy clothes" than male garb.

OK - not to address your questions:

how do I end up in a DADT?
Well, before we got too serious, I told her everything about me.
We set some rules of what's OK and what's not.
So - my DADT was in place from the beginning.


Is it what I want?
No, of course not. If left unchecked, I'd like to be a full time female.
But I'm not the only only one involved here, so a balance needs to be maintained

Have I started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?
Not really - there has been very little forward movement - possibly because I don't push AT ALL!
If I tried, I could probably get a bit more freedom to wear what I like, but I worry that it might make her unhappy. So - I don't try.


What would I wish for in my relationship.?
Mostly I wish for a loving, supportive, and caring relationship. For the most part, that's what I've got.
I'd love it, of course, if she were more supportive of my -um- inclinations. I'd love to have "girls' nights out" and to get fashion and makeup tips from her.
But not having it isn't a deal breaker for me.
I can be reasonably content where I am.

What advice do I have for couples after what I have gone through?
I don't have any pearls of wisdom to share. I just try to be the best husband/mate/partner/(whatever term fits best) I can be.
If I do a good enough job at that, the rest seems to work itself out - at least so far, it has.

[GretchenM]

Thank you Di for bringing this up. It is such an important topic and I think your comments of how it goes and evolves is right on in most couples.

Back in 2012 I realized I had to come out or something very bad was going to happen. Hiding something for 66 years is not really a good idea. The coming out was fairly uneventful but I could tell my dear wife was frightened about what this could mean. I went to a local Gender Identity Center and was accepted for therapy. I also went to group therapy and explored the many variations of transgenderism by getting to know actual people. Most in the group therapy were transitioning people and I enjoyed the relationships and found they were really good and caring people, but I was not one of them with regard to my identity. I could not relate to their perspective.

So, after several months I stopped as I felt I had a grip on the direction to go personally. My wife also saw a therapist there a few times. She did not want to participate in my activity and seemed to partially put up some roadblocks that were more like big speed bumps. We finally agreed to keep it between us for the most part and try not to let it out in the open. I wasn't even sure I wanted it out in the open except to a few select people. We set boundaries and it has gone well, but it is still a bit of a blockage in our relationship. I think with our discussions of the nature of transgenderism as described in peer reviewed journals (we are both scientists) the boundaries have eased a bit into more of an limited acceptance. However, the original agreement, although it has evolved a bit, remains in tact and is comfortable.

In my view, our society barely approves of this behavior within the marital environment, but it happens and is certainly very different than it was in 1969 when we got married. Ideally, DADT is not really a good term, in my opinion. Di, your mentioning of boundaries in your initial post is VERY important.

Boundaries are really important in keeping people from trampling each other's toes. Boundaries create a coordination in the dance of love and marriage and no two people are ever a perfect match. It is the way that you keep peace. Perhaps this in not appropriate, but I feel some people here who think they are more feminine operate within this CD/Trans environment in a rather masculine way in that they think because they are male they fall back on the gender binary rules which basically says that "The man wears the pants in the house and the woman follows." That is never going to work in a relationship where CD/Trans issues are afoot. You really need to use a "What is good for the goose is good for the gander" (and visa versa) approach to avoid major conflicts and that means setting boundaries at places that allow both people of the relationship some freedom to be themselves while minimizing conflicts. My wife has never met Gretchen in full plumage and doesn't want to. Hard to unsee things you see. She married a Man. It will probably happen some day, but I do my best to respect her needs and desires and she respects mine. So far, it has worked well. Does she fully accept it? Not at all, but there is a comfortable tolerance that is defined by well thought out boundaries.

[Di]

SaraLin, Thank you,I got a complete picture and I appreciate your helping others see the inner workings. Your comment on being the best partner you can be makes me smile. Thank you very much.

GretchenM, You explained it brilliantly. I like how you pointed out the respect factor. Very very important. Thank You so very much for your post.

[Teresa]

Di,
My own personal feelings on DADT is it's a short term compromise imposed until something more tangible can be worked out .

To simply not to talk about something doesn't solve anything . Again from my perspective it just meant ways to work round my wife so lying , deceit , shame guilt etc . still hung over my head .

I admit it's wrong to make the wife/partner the villain of the peace she didn't sign up for it but then as I see it neither did we ! The fact many of us don't have a choice in the matter we are stuck with being CDers or TG . So I guess we hope the love and closeness of marrige may just help us out to some degree . That is when we may discover more about ourselves and more about our partners . I found it a harsh lesson in what I expected from my wife and what she actually was prepared to accept , OK I'm also going to add it was pretty tough on her as she had possibly thought she's lost her husband and father to her children . That is where I feel DADT doesn't help because those conversations never happened , even an input to counselling . Being a CDer /TG in a marriage can be a very lonely place at times , I called it solitary confinement , the suppression through DADT can be mentally exhausting , in my case I ceased to function .

In my case the inevitable had to happen DADT finally lead to separation , we finally began honest , open dialogue once we had agreed to part but there was no going back from that point .

My advice is don't enter DADT if you can possibly avoid it , it doesn't really work for either party long term , you can only walk on eggshells for so long !

[Cheryl T]

Mine wasn't a DADT story, more a hide, sneak and lie story.
Then one day I was discovered so to speak, long story so I will spare everyone. After that she tried to "accept" but it didn't go well so I "swore I'd quit" and we all know how that goes.
Well, years later I just told her I had not quit and that this is part of me and WE have to work this out whatever it takes. It took a while but she became fully accepting and helpful and we go everywhere together. I dress when I wish without question and we discuss everything. It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick, but it was something that brought us closer in the end.

[Di]

Theresa, Thank you for your input. :) It is not for everyone and Every couple.

Cheryl T, So glad for the outcome.

[kimdl93]

I started out our relationship open about my then limited cross dressing. Somewhere along the line, the desire increased beyond what she originally accepted, and frankly, I thought that incrementally expanding my dressing around her might ease her into accepting more. It didn?t. I think in retrospect it was like water torture for her...each steady drip by drip made it harder for her.

[Star01]

First I often see comments chastising those of us who didn't lay everything on the table prior to getting married. I think if one has read enough experiences a common theme for many is not coming to grips with what we are until later in life. I had dabbled in crossdressing at around 13 but dismissed it as a passing puberty kink. It came back for a while at 35 but I was caught and shunned by the religion I was involved with at that time. Years later in my 50's it came back with a vengence and my thoughts scared me then my wife confronted me about shaving and that that resulted in her saying she didn't want to see or know about it. The combination of my thoughts about it and her reaction caused me to purge.

I gained something like 40# after that and considered my dressing to be over. The fog hit again in 2012 hard enough that I felt comfortable dressing as a full figured girl.

I don't lie because she never asks about it and I only dress fully when she is gone overnight. Some would consider hidden clothes as sneaking, I think of it as keeping my side of the agreement. I still keep myself smooth and underdress in panties and do my own laundry separately. I don't lie but similar to a used car salesman I don't tell all unless specifically asked.

I don't want to blow up a 50 year marriage but I want to have the freedom to dress more. I still haven't figured out how I could accomplish that without any repercussions. The fog has rolled out for the first time in ages so much that she has stayed at the lake home s few times and I didn't dress while she was gone.

It is a delicate and risky balancing act that I wish I didn't have to perform. If things were different I would probably dress and go out in public but admittedly I am holding back. Therapy waits for my descision and is ready to help but cannot decide for me. I am in limbo and would not choose this if I could just purge and walk away from it all. It really isn't a pleasant situation and is not my wife's fault.

[Stephanie47]

Nice question with distinctions between the various outcomes. I do not know if I fall into the category of withholding pertinent information before my wife and I were married. If I had been an active cross dresser during our courtship days, then I'd say I withheld some pertinent information which may or may not have broken the engagement. Where does it fall when a guy many years ago I dabbled in his mother's lingerie draw and it was truly in the distant past? Nothing more than wearing his mother's bra, panty and slip, and, on occasion engaging in self gratification. In our case my love of nylon was rekindled after marriage and did enhance the pleasurable experience of both husband and wife. We bought several nightgowns together. She bought me some hosiery. Then my interests started to go further. It was our daughter opening the bottom drawer of my armoire and yanking a Vanity Fair bra out of a small box. I had bought one bra. That was it. There were some slips in the box. No wig. No makeup. No heels. No dresses. We had the talk after my wife asked 'Why would a man wear a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" A very valid question. That was about 1983. With some hindsight which developed within a couple of months it was becoming obvious my desire to have her affirmation of my cross dressing was bordering on spousal mental abuse.

She wanted nothing to do with it. Zip! Nada! Nothing. She has not said one word since! Maybe, on three occasions since then she had found some garment or a pseudo breast form (water balloon) I had failed to put away. She just told me she found a bra or panty and placed it away from visitor view on top of the dryer. Nothing more. No ranting. No comments. On occasion she saw I received a small parcel which I would not disclose the contents. If she was out running errands on public transportation (non driver) she would call to let me know which bus she was on and whether or not she needed help with her purchases....buys too much fabric, etc. Does she call to give me a heads up? Perhaps, but rarely am I en femme or dabbling in lingerie when she is out.

So, our marriage is really a deep DADT to the extent sometimes I wish she would say something....anything. But, it is her choice. Am I hiding anything? If she does not want to know I do not call it hiding. I would gladly share this side of me. However, I do totally understand she is not interested in this aspect of my inner self. As she said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!"

She also threw into the initial "Talk" there were and still are secrets in her closet she does not want to talk about or seek counseling for. That is one of the reasons she stated for not dumping me. It would have been two-faced to dump me when she has her issues too. I see a counselor and attend group counseling for Viet Nam War combat veterans. I hid plenty from her about that which she has come to see and understand. Those issues were all laid out for her, not intentionally, but they are out for her to see and deal with. What issues really had an effect on our marriage of almost fifty years? It is not the cross dressing. It is her "hidden" issues prior to my ever meeting her, and, my combat related issues.

If she were to tell me to go get dolled up, break her silence, I would not do it. I respect my wife too much.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
You make a very good point about DADT working in both directions , I feel my wife had issues that should have been talked about and in fact somethings perhaps she should have told me before we married .

[Di]

Thank You kimdl93, I am hoping this thread will show the struggle on both sides. I appreciate your answering.

Stephanie47, Thank you for your service , and I am so glad you are seeing a counselor. My entire family is military including my daughter. It is very important.Thank you for answering.

Star01
Thank you for your honest post and I hope you find your answers.
About the chastising, I do it ( hope it does not come off as chastised) in hopes a younger cd who joins ( there are many every day that mostly read) understands it does not go away, it will not disappear with marriage . And for many ( most wives) the not being told is the hardest thing for many to overcome.

[Star01]

Stepanie47, we share some commonalities including veterans status, age as I was on the flight deck of a carrier during Nam and our DADT situations and our way of coping sound very similar. Even the line "I didn't marry a woman" is shared and mine added that I'd make an ugly woman and I could never be a real woman until I can have a baby. That is the default reasoning shared by the masses and quite honestly the talk was a complete surprise that I was not prepared for when it happened. That preceded my participation in this board so I had no answer about anything including a come back more then no to the "does that mean you're gay" question. She basically "put her foot down" in an effort to "stop this nonsense before it goes any further" and I think that's how most wives look at it. Even now after finding this board and six months of therapy to help sort things out I am still not any closer to revisiting the talk. I think she might take it better now since we had a daughter who realized she was gay at 45 and ended a 20 year marriage. She was supportive of that and in fact making a big deal about how brave my daughter is for coming out but I have a hunch anything I did might not garner that same kind of understanding and I would not be praised for being brave.

It is my choice to live in this limbo land of not being able to dress as I please or expand on what I can do in private. On the one hand it's driving me up the wall most of the time and on the other hand I respect and want to preserve the marriage. My way of doing that is living within these tight confines and limiting my wardrobe to whatever can fit in small storage area which isn't much. I admit to a measure of envy when reading the lengthy stories about how happy some are being able to dress at home and go out in public with their wives approval. I don't see myself ever being able to sell that here.

[kayegirl]

Di, a thought provoking thread.
My situation is much like DianeT , more of a Doctor ask and tell, but don't want to see. This has ended the case with both my first aname second wives. Both knew before we married, and both laid out the boundaries. With my second wife those boundaries are much more liberal. I only possess female underwear, and Wear a nightie every night. In addition most of my general day to day clothing is from the female side of the shop. We will shop together, and she will comment on my choices. She is fully aware that on those days when she is at work, I will dress and venture out.
All in all, I think that we are in a happy place, we have our boundaries and I am not about to push them further.

[Di]

Kayegirl, I am so happy you both are in a happy place . It sounds like it is a win win.

[Bea_]

I'm not in and have not been in a formal DADT situation. But, I'll give you my take, as a hybrid/androgynous/MIAD. She's gone from some pretty tight boundaries to fairly open, but almost exclusively at home. I've been up front with the fact that my taste extends beyond her current boundaries. The part that extends beyond her comfort is semi/informal DADT. I tend to test the waters occasionally with things that are experimental for me. I don't want to push a boundary only to find out that my tastes don't go in a certain direction. Some things that I've thought I'd like have turned out to be non-starter items.

My issue with DADT in general is that it feels like "making love only the lights out". It's like one person telling another "I love you and I want you, but only if I don't have to see...(fill in the blank)" It would be like having a deformity that, if the spouse had to look at, she would be disgusted. I have a problem with the idea of my wife only being able to accept me if she doesn't really have to see me.

My wife's figure has changed dramatically since her size zero wedding dress 45+ years ago. If my desire for her depended on her maintaining a standard that my mind imposed on her, I cannot help but feel that she'd be hurt. It's not that different for me. Fortunately, she has adapted fairly well.

[TheHiddenMe]

I've wanted to wear dresses since I was 6 or 7 years old.

I met my wife in 1985 while traveling in New Zealand (she's an Aussie, I'm a Yank). The first few months when we met, she put makeup on me, and I tried on her clothes in front of her. I never used the words "I'm a crossdresser" but she had to know I had an interest.

Because of the long distance relationship, we didn't marry until 1992.

Around 2000 I told her I wanted to dress. She bought me makeup, a dress, some shoes as gifts (I asked for them). She often bought me panties and nighties as presents too.

In 2015 I spent a day out dressed in San Francisco and in 2016 I spent 4 days out locally while she was out of town. I told her I went out, she wasn't happy, and her exact words were "lie to me".

So I do. I don't hide my clothes. I tell her a few times when I am going out (like for a local group meeting), but often I go out and lie about what I'm doing. I will often go out dressed and come home cleaned up, saying I went bike riding (or something else). I am doing what she told me to do; I lie to her.

Over the past couple of years, she's spent more time in Australia while I'm in the US, so I can get out easier. She was supposed to return to the US May 1, but with Covid-19 and the flight restrictions, she's still there. Of course, the choices of going out are restricted.

I don't like lying to her, but I don't like dressing and staying home either. It's a compromise we have. She's tolerant, but I wish she'd be more accepting, but I've learned that's not likely to happen.

[Wen4cd]

My DADT has evolved into full blown estrangement.

I told her on the first or second date, almost 30 years ago. She seemed accepting at first.
We got married. Had a child.

I never pushed for a full-time situation, never wanted one.

But gradually, she grew to associate this side of myself with everything that she doesn't like about me.

It's narcissistic, it's self-centered, it hogs attention I should have been giving her, etc....

Over the years, I made it a point to give more attention to her than my dressing, but the disapproval got tighter and tighter.

While I don't want to transition or do anything permanent to my body, I occasionally do want to crawl out from under this rock, be seen, be social, and this became a problem.

"Why do you have to be seen? Why can't you just stay hidden? Why do you need others to validate you?" etc.

One day I went to an event, maybe 4 maybe 5 years ago.

I shaved and dressed as good as I could.

I went into a restaurant alone and en femme and then to the event, where I socialized. I even met some of you from this forum.

It was a lovely night. But my wife has never physically touched me since. The shaving for the event was "the straw that broke the camel's back."

When I excitedly told her about my dinner, she told my daughter "your selfish dad is now pushing his fetishes on poor restaurant workers who have no choice, isn't you dad a real jerk?"

Now I shave once a week, my wife does not speak to me, my daughter barely speaks to me. I have not been so much as hugged or had physical human contact in years.

And yet, she still occasionally dumps off used beauty products on my desk, like if her or my daughter try a lotion or a makeup and don't like it, it shows up on my desk.

It's a two-way street. There are plenty of things about my wife that I find just as deplorable. She is cruel to animals, cruel to anything she cannot control. She's allowed her fears and phobias to control her life, and defends her right to "avoid" anything that scares her. (Driving through tunnels, going up elevators, flying, going on boats or trains. it's made traveling and vacationing almost impossible.) She also likes to get drunk on wine almost every nighty and chuckle stupidly at trashy tv shows, which I find quite lame, but well, she says nothing to me about my lifestyle anymore, so I will say nothing to her about hers.

[Veronica Lacey]

Similar to a few others here...

I informed my then-girlfriend at about the 3 month point of dating that I found solace in dressing; I did not want to hide and lie if we were ever going to get serious. One evening I literally walked out of her closet wearing one of her white satin jacquard blouses and a black skirt with panty hose. We sat on her bed that evening chatting about it all. She was a bit shocked but was not repulsed. We have now been together for more than 26 years and have shared many conversations - and some disagreements - between us.

There have been some slight waxing and waning over the years about it all but we eventually settled into a routine whereby she knows and accepts that I like to dress as often as I can but will not push it on her. With a smile and reassuring tone in her voice she will volunteer to go downstairs to her office for a few hours once in a while to give me time to do as I please. When she is out for extended periods of time I dress and she does her part by texting me when she is on her way home, giving me ample time to return to male mode and put things away. She does not assume I dress all the time - she avoids thinking about it - but respects my desire to do so.

Does she want to see any of it? No. Does she want to feel any of it on me under my male attire? No. Does she ever volunteer to discuss it? No, although perhaps once or twice a year the topic arises for a brief spell. Do I wish I could wear what I want, when I want as I please - just in our home and not out and about - without it being an issue between us? Yes.

Having said all of this I feel that it's a fair and satisfying arrangement even if it can never go further. I told her that if push came to shove I would choose her over dressing. It's no lie and it meant a lot to her to hear that. I'd still wish to dress but she means more to me than the clothes. I am always thankful that she never leans in the direction of me having to make that decision.

If this is DADT then we are both happy with it.

[Di]

Thank you Bea for explaining explains a lot.
The Hidden Me, thanks for Your answer I am learning a lot how couples navigate . It varies a lot.
Wen4cd, , I appreciate your honesty.
Veronica Lacey, Thank you very much , I am glad it is a fair and satisfying and you both found a way to be happy.

[Genni]

I don?t think of my wife as the bad guy, but she did know of my crossdressing long before we married and only became unwilling to accept it after we tied the knot. She initially said it ?didn?t matter? and willingly participated in some bedroom play, but shortly after we married decided that it did matter after all. She said that my wearing clothes intended for women just ?wasn?t right.? I don?t know why she changed her mind, but suspect that she had only tolerated it initially and thought I would change. We married very young, after all, just days after I graduated high school (she?s a year older). We?ve now been married over 40 years. Although we had dated for 2 or 3 years, I don?t think either of us knew ourselves, let alone each other, well enough to understand what we could and could not accept.

We ended up in DADT after I tried to stop dressing but just couldn?t. Over the course of decades my femme interests evolved from only bedroom play to something more. She is aware of my femme wardrobe and only occasionally makes negative comments. I do not like the DADT situation at all, but have resolved myself to the knowledge that I cannot change her level of acceptance any more than she can change my interest in presenting female. I would wish for her support and acceptance of me being me, but don?t see that happening.

My advice for others is to talk early and keep talking. Our DADT situation and our inability to talk through my other-than-male gender interests became a huge barrier for communications generally in our marriage and has strained it immeasurably.

[NatashaCD]

I have chosen never to have children or a partner I am loving dressing whenever I feel which is almost 24/7 and traveling around Australia in my caravan
I feel sorry for alot of my sisters who have to make sacrifices stay strong

[Di]

Genni Thank you for your input and advice .

Natasha , interesting.

[jacques]

hello Di,
I had to come out to my wife early in our marriage because she noticed I was so unhappy and getting angry with her - all my own immature fault at he time.
I now dress at home with my wife, but we do not talk about it. She has never asked me how I started crossdressing or why I still do it or how it progresses (from hosiery to dresses and make up). I don't tell her about the clothes I buy. = one form of DADT
I have never "come out" to my (now adult) children, but I am sure they must know = another form of DADT
My granddaughter has noticed that I do not object to her using her make up on me = another DADT perhaps
I have encountered some work colleagues when shopping over the years; I am usually under the influence of the "pink fog" and don't see them; thankfully they never ask what I am doing" = DADT
These are all good DADT relationships I think.
Hiding the dressing and risking getting caught is something different.
stay healthy!
luv J

[Sometimes Steffi]

*Sometimes here we read the wife ends up being portrayed as the "bad guy/gal" in a situation where CDing is withheld from the beginning but the cder now claims that this is "such a huge part of their life". And have anger towards the wife over the reveal not going as you hoped. And a DADT from there on

*Others after being found out it sounds like it is just hidden again but some here call it a DADT but it is really just hidden again.

*But then also there are some that as a couple together make boundaries and and the wife just does not want to see or hear for the most part. (This would probably be the most successful)

These three seem to be what I see a lot. Please clue me in , how do you end up in a DADT?
Is it what you want?
Have you started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?

The last thing I had to resolve before asking my then GF to marry me, was what to do about my crossdressing. At that time, I was into crossdressing for the arousal that I got from it. I would put on a pair of panties, get aroused, complete the deed, and then feel guilty about what I had just done. But, I would do it all over again a week later. Since I was only into crossdressing for the arousal, I convinced myself that once married I would get more than enough arousal from my wife, and wouldn't need to take things into my own hands, so to speak. That convincing lasted until a month after we got married.



Mine wasn't a DADT story, more a hide, sneak and lie story.
Then one day I was discovered so to speak, long story so I will spare everyone.

After that, it became a hide and seek game, and I did pretty good at that for 6 years until getting caught, I had bought myself some panties and hid the hangers in one of the suitcases with the intent of tossing them into the trash. But I forgot, and the next time we were packing to go out of town, She called me at work to ask about them, but I put off a response until I got home. I had two choices: lie and make up some story or 'fess up. I confessed, and we even saw a psychiatrist about it, but neither of us were able to find the words to even bring up the elephant in the room.

Soon everything went back to normal. She forgot about it (or a least didn't bring it up again) and I went back to my old ways, but even sneakier. I made it 23 years until getting caught again. I was packing to go on a business trip, and was slipping a couple of bras into my suitcase when she came home unexpectedly. Let's just say that it was not a very good day, and the talk the next day wasn't much better. We both went to therapy, separately and together. I went for about 4 years, until I became comfortable with my crossdressing.

Around that time, her dad got very sick, and she would go down to see him for several weeks at a time. Also about that time, I found this group, I contacted some local people from the group and met up with them. Soon, I had met several more local friends, which developed into a small group of girls who would go out and about together. After my father-in-law passed away, my opportunities to go out with the girls disappeared. So, I began lying at a much higher level. When I wanted to go out, I would tell my wife that I was going out drinking with the guys. I "neglected" to tell her that the guys and I were all going out dressed as girls.

Finally, I got tired of the lying and came clean. We made some boundaries.

1. She didn't want to see me dressed.
2. She didn't want any of the neighbors to see me dressed.
3. She didn't want me to tell our daughter, or to let her find out.
4. I could go out with the girls twice a month, provided I conformed with rules 1, 2 and 3.

After about a year, I made a pitch to go to the Keystone Conference. She agreed to let me go. What she didn't tell me is that she thought going to Keystone would get it [the crossdressing] out of my system. I've gone every year for the last 10 years, except this year when it was cancelled due to Covid.

My wife has never really accepted, but she does tolerate it. I don't expect that to ever change. I'd like to go out with her as a girlfriend, but I have other friends for that. I think she's missing a lot of fun time with my outer girlfriends.

[Di]

Thank you Steffi and Jacques

[Paulie Birmingham]

It ebbs and flows with my wife. I wear panties 90 plus percent of time and pantyhose and camies too. I don't wear more very often by my choice but she knows I have more. My heels are with my other shoes and lingerie is hanging on door rack. In the past she would give me some of her clothes that don't fit anymore and would buy me panties and pantyhose and yoga pants and stuff like that. Its been 18 months at least since she bought me anything like that and I have asked. She does the laundry and knows I've bought about 30 new pair on panties this year plus hosiery and garters. I've shown her some pics of me dressed up.

Almost every night and morning she rubs her hands over the panties I'm wearing so I'm not going to complain too much. And that often leads to more. :)

So it's pretty open and positive feedback with some stuff. And dadt with other stuff.

Eh, works for me. It is more for sexual kicks now and before than anything else.