I need to confess to her

[Lovely Rose]

Hello ladies!

So I've been in the closet for my entire life and recently I've been dating this amazing woman for four months now. I find her perfect in every way possible. As my feelings to her are only growing to be more intense.

I really admire the woman she is and how she expresses her feminince, I love her clothing style, but I never allowed myself to wear/steal anything from her closet. I feel that I need to be completely honest with her as I want our relationship to progress on firm foundations, I don't want to lie or keep secrets. I think I need to introduce her to Rose, and I need to be Rose in bed with her sometimes.

I believe she is open-minded, but I'm not sure how she would react to this. I know that many of you have gone through this so I would really appreciate some advice/experience.

Thanks :)

[chelyann]

ask her how she feels about LGBTQ , this will tell you if she is open minded if she is not open minded you will know with out outing your self

[Paulie Birmingham]

But you still have to watch out for nimby

[Micki_Finn]

A lot of women are willing to try a relationship with a crossdresser (not a majority by any means, but they are out there), but honestly, not many are interested in you being dressed ?in bed?. If they were attracted to women, they?d be dating a woman.

Also, just because someone is OK with LGBTQ people, it doesn?t mean they want to date one.

Yes it?s good to be honest, but temper your expectations.

Calling them ?nimby?s is SO insulting. That was a term for people with hypocritical sociological and political views. A person is allowed to be supportive of a group without wanting to date them.

[Jenn A116]

I strongly encourage you to simply be honest with her. As this relationship is getting (or already is) serious she deserves to know the whole you. As my wife and I often say "warts and all".

My wife knew about Jennifer before I asked her to marry me. Telling her wasn't easy for me, especially because at that point I knew that this was really, really serious relationship wise. I knew that marriage was probably in our future and this was to me the one hang-up that might prevent that. But it needed to be aired out. Fortunately she took it well. She commented that she always noticed a softer side of me which was one of the things that attracted her and attributes it to my femme side.

So yes, things can work out fine. But if they don't its best to know now rather than after you tie the knot.

[Stephanie47]

I do have to concur with some others that acceptance of others sexual identity or sexual orientations does not mean your friend will be receptive to having a serious relationship with a cross dresser. If you're serious you should tell her, but not just popping into the room all dolled up. And, dragging Rose into bed with her may not go over well. She may not be open to a pseudo lesbian relationship. Also, remember a woman is entitled to change her mind.

[bridget thronton]

I have read of more women being upset about the hiding than the dressing

[Di]

ask her how she feels about LGBTQ , this will tell you if she is open minded if she is not open minded you will know with out outing your self
No to the above
Regardless of her views about the above it will be about what she will want as a couple. Yes do the right thing , be honest, answer her questions and do not show her , talk, explain see how it goes. Then if she wants to meet Rose great. You explaining it is the right thing to do so you can see about the relationship , how And if this will fit in. I am glad you are addressing this now ,as you read here so many stories of how years later the heartache on both sides and the wife feeling betrayed.
Just some advice from a GG.
Best Wishes

[docrobbysherry]

Rose, I'm concerned how anxious u r to get Rose in bed with your GF. And, u haven't even told her u dress yet!:brolleyes:

Is dressing a sexual thing for u?:o

[Aunt Kelly]

Yes, it is time for "the talk". Don't "ease into it" or try to determine if it's "safe" to come out to her. Pick a time and place that is private and free from interruptions. Let her know your feelings for her - your first few sentences in your OP would be a good framework for that.

Then tell her that because of those feelings you feel that you should share something important with her. I don't want to put words in your mouth as to how you actually share, but just keep in mind that you are not "confessing" to anything. This is a part of who you are and it's time she knows that part as well.

Good luck, my friend.

[SaraLin]

I'm with Aunt Kelly on this one.

Sit her down, tell her how you feel about her and that you can see it being a lot more.
But then tell her that there's something that she needs to know before things get too serious.
Then quietly explain yourself to her.

I'd say it's best to not dump everything at once. That could overload her. Just open the conversation with something like "I like to feel feminine and sometimes dress up." Let her ask whatever questions she wants to. Don't lie. Don't evade. DON'T tell your life story - unless she asks you to.

She'll run for the exit, accept you as you are, or try to work things out.

IF she runs, it's less hurtful to lose her now than it would be down the road.
If she accepts you, congratulations, you've hit the jackpot.
If she stays but is trying to work things out, you both have a lot of work to do. But at least you're not hiding a bit secret that can explode in your face.

And would you SERIOUSLY want to spend your future lying/hiding things from her?

[Cassiek]

Can?t say it enough. Honesty is best policy. I wish I was honest in the beginning.

[GretchenM]

There is nothing like advice from a GG who has gone through this. Pay attention to what Di says and apply it carefully as Aunt Kelly describes. Get it out in the open as soon as possible. The longer you go not knowing whether she is accepting or even tolerant of this behavior in a boyfriend and especially a mate the more painful it will be for both of you if it turns out that she does not want anything like this in her life. Respect her view and keep away from the habit of exerting male dominance - that will really piss her off. Remember, she is looking for a man and she is interested in you as a man. Put yourself in her shoes. For the GG in the relationship it is more likely the deception involved in being closeted is far more painful than seeing her husband transformed into a female-like person. Marriages are built on trust and honest collaboration. Get it out now. Be honest.

[NancySue]

Yes, yes...tell her ASAP. I told my wife, before we wed...fearing the worst, but she didn?t bolt. We spent many, many hours talking and reading. I used the Oreo cookie approach...first layer..compliments to her, you, etc. the middle layer = the truth, and the last is a positive hope for the future. My wife respected my courage and honesty. Secrets are rarely good no matter how one rationalizes it. I don?t think this issue has a thing to do with the LGBTQ community, unless you?re gay...which is OK. I, with many others, am a hetro CDer. She will wonder..are you bi or gay. What is ?nimby?. JMO.

[Kelli_cd]

NIMBY = Not In My Back Yard

[Rachel05]

My ex wife could absolutely hated my dressing, she found it abhorrent and it was a thing thoroughly unpleasant for both of us, there was no way she would even discuss with with me and as we know, if it is a part of you then there is little you can do to stop it even if you wanted to, which I didn't

When I started seeing my new partner, my inclination was to not tell her, main because of the way my ex wife was and then I thought actually, I don't want to be with someone who can't take me for what I am, so let's get it out in the open early doors before we get too deep

It is fair to say she was little shocked, not in a bad way, just not something she expected, but we discussed it, she accepts it is part of me and doesn't mind me being dressed around her, would I say that she encourages me, probably not, but neither does she want me to hide it or not be myself, so it has worked out well I would say

I think we are both happier knowing that it is very much out in the open and she can talk to me about anything at all whenever she wants, I don't have to hide my clothes and actually she has encouraged me to try some of her things and she has tried some of mine, all good

On top of that I have an amazing friend who is female, we are very close and she knows all about me, I shared my female side with her long ago, she is so relaxed about it and we often discuss my dressing and clothes and girly things, it really is so nice to have support close

It worked well for me on both counts and I hope you can have similar success, the relief of not having to hide it or don't ask, don't tell is amazingly uplifting

Good luck Rose

[Leelou]

You've been dating for four months, IMO that is around the perfect time to have "the talk".

There has been a lot of great advice given already. I'll just add to be completely prepared to answer all her questions. You didn't mention if you've ever come out to another woman, but there are many common questions that you need to be prepared to answer. The biggies are sexuality, transition, level of acceptance and the bedroom. Acceptance ranges from DADT to participation. It's important to let her know that her level of acceptance is a discussion and she has input.

I've been out to women who have accepted this part of me, so they're out there. Good luck!

[giuseppina]

Here's an old thread by a respected GG that's still valid and on point:

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

I don't think you should approach this as something you're doing wrong because CDing is harmless in and of itself. A better approach is introducing a part of you that not many appreciate for what it means to you.

[TracyT]

Echoing everything said in previous replies: You'll be glad you were honest; if she really cares about you she'll find a way to love all of you; and please, please separate out your wish to be honest with her from your desire to be girly in bed with her. That's a totally different issue and potentially a much harder line to cross. Good luck!

[JIJI Xx]

hello Rose.... would just like to say: please program yourself NOT to think of it as 'confession', since that impies guilt, wrongoing.... sin. naturally, you're worried about rejection, losing her, all that.... but I truly believe that if we give ourselves permission to be comfortable in our own skins (and this is by no means limited only to crossdressing), then others will be comfortable too. of course, it took me 70+ years to reach this state, but, I was a very late bloomer.... sounds, anyway, that this is not all about this particular woman, since you say you have been closeted all your life, so.... a major major step....trust her, trust yourself..... JIJI Xx

[Jenny22]

Rose, level with her! Keep going to bed with her out of ALL conversation until she invites Rose into HER bed.

[alwayshave]

I never trusted my ex-wife with the information of mu crossdressing. Good thing, history has proved she could not be trusted. When I met my now wife 15 years ago, I knew I would not hide this part of myself. It worked out for me. I hope it works out for you.