Having a rough day

[StaceyJane]

Today the gender dysphoria has hit really hard. A while ago I made the decision not to fully transition because I didn't want all the surgery and general fear. I told myself I was okay with this but sometimes I really struggle. The fact is I really want to be female. Today I spent a whole bunch of times looking at websites for local gender confirmation doctors and thinking about requesting a consult be not doing it because I know I won't go through with it. I put on my favorite dress to help me fell better but it really just reminds me how much I enjoy just being Stacey. I know these strong feelings will eventually pass and I will be okay again but I also know one day they will be back. I've saw a therapist for several years and got a letter for hormones which I have been taking. I really love the effect they had both mentally and physically. I stopped seeing the therapist because I felt I had reached a point where I could go no farther.
I guess I have rambled a bit but I just feel stressed and really don't have anyone to talk to.

[Lana Mae]

Stacey, go back to your therapist or find a new one! I am pre-op with little hope of any surgeries due to cost! I feel your pain concerning GD! Sometimes I just want to cry and the depression is just barely controllable! I know it is not going away permanently! I just live day to day and do my best to push down the depression! Try that therapist again and see if they can help! Just talking about it with mine helps a lot! Best wishes on your journey!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Stacey,
I'm sorry to read your story , I've just read a previous thread where you were overjoyed with HRT so has the effect worn off or are you just missing the support of your therapist ?

May I ask if you're fulltime , the reason I ask is I'm finding after two years my dysphoria is in balance , the only time it affects me is the odd occasion I have to be in male mode . On the whole being TG means we do get rough days occasionally , I just phone a friend or go and check the shops out , just having that human contact helps me through .

[StaceyJane]

Teresa, I really do like the changes that HRT has brought. Maybe I am just missing the support of a therapist. I'm not full time. In fact I went through a while where I rarely went out as Stacey but that has begun to change.

[Katya@]

Hi Stacey,
Dysphoria sucks big time, and we feel for you. I didn't feel one for 2 years since
starting on hormones, and then it came back albeit differently. However, went away in less than 3 weeks and has been fine. Not sure about those waves.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Stacey,

I know that you are going through a tough time. A month ago today you mentioned that your wife had bought in to a belief system that, I assume, is not accepting to your condition. You also said that you had quit taking the mones but today you indicate that you are still taking them.

In October 2017 you wrote that you had stopped seeing your therapist and in November 2018 you wrote that you stopped seeing your therapist (last week).

It is all very confusing. Are there more than one therapists? Did you quit twice? Are you still doing HRT?

In 2017 you said that you had been doing HRT for several years. Even if you did quit a month ago, that is over five years on HRT. After about six months changes start to be permanent. What concerns me is, if Estrogen has been your primary hormone for over five years, discontinuing HRT can have adverse effects on your health.

Also, a therapist should not be about moving forward. You are troubled and stressed. Maybe you need to find another therapist, even if you need to drive to a larger city in your area.

Mainly you have mentioned transition in terms of body changes from HRT and surgery. Actually transition has nothing to do with either one. I have a trans woman friend here in the Houston area that transitioned several years ago and can not do HRT or surgery because of health concerns. However, she has completely transitioned. She is an attorney and recently received recognition for being one of the most successful women attorneys.

I know that you have presented as female in public on occasion but have you ever lived for an extended time as female? Seeing a surgeon is premature unless you are already legally female and living as one. Even so, they will probably require a letter from two qualified therapists. Mine did.

There are all kinds of lifestyles. Some people need to transition completely in every respect. Some people cross dress most of the time and keep a male identity. And, some people can get away with dressing occasionally and maybe doing little things to take the edge off of dysphoria. Hopefully you can find something that will work for you. Regardless, it sounds like you could benefit from seeing a different therapist. Good luck.

[Teresa]

Stacey,
Jeri Ann as usual sums it up well but I would like to emphasise the point she makes about being full time . My separation gave me the chance to take that decision and to stick by it as much as I possibly could , it feels a whole lot better when everyone only knows me as Tersesa , swapping from one to the other to please others sends my dysphoria through the roof . When people start telling you they prefer the female you know it's the right way to go .

[JeanTG]

I know that you have presented as female in public on occasion but have you ever lived for an extended time as female?

I think this is critical. I've now had two opportunities to do so, both with HRT. In the first episode I decided that living full-time as female was not for me. I'm now in the second episode as I have a few months to myself. I've come to the same conclusion. I love presenting and going out as female, but the key words are... "from time to time". It took me about a week of "full-time" to come to the same conclusion this time around. There's no substitute for "real-life experience". So my strategy from now on will be managing the dysphoria and its triggers when they shows up (which is not 100% of the time), rather than managing a transition.

[StaceyJane]

Jeri Ann, I'm sorry If I have been confusing. I stopped therapy in 2017 and haven't started back up. I started HRT back in 2010.