I went past my wife's limit...need alternatives here.

[Chloe_S]

So I made a mistake. I thought my wife was being more accepting of my crossdressing and mistakenly assumed that meant I could buy whatever the hell I wanted and not run it by her first. In the past she said no breast forms or hip/butt pads. I thought that had changed...it hadn't. I bought some forms on aliexpress and when I told her about it she got so mad. "I've never been this mad at you before." We managed to work past it and I have a better understanding of her limits now. So my question is, what's the best alternative to breast forms? I've heard people mention balloons, but I'm not doing that. I assume just padding of some sort. socks, tissue, etc.

[Kelli_cd]

Maybe gel breast enhancers?

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I used knee hi's filled with birdseed.

That worked until I got breast forms.

I tried the water balloon trick but only wound up getting wet.

[Genifer Teal]

Maybe it's not the actual forms but the idea of changing the look of your body. Think of it this way. Women can get away with wearing men's clothes rather easily. It's just clothes. Now if they stuck a sock in their crotch, that would change your whole perspective of it just being about the clothes.

[Tracy Irving]

Rags, towels, socks, old t-shirts, etc...

They all have a different use she should approve of so they can be "hidden" in plain sight.

[GretchenM]

I think Genifer is quite possibly correct. Women marry men not just because they like the person and their values but also because they are, well, men. But then their man starts wearing obviously women's clothes at times and that fractures the image she has of her man. She is turned off by it and not all the pleading and explaining about feelings and needs will change that fundamental image of the fact that she is a woman married to a man.

So, Chloe, perhaps a more positive approach to the disagreement is to sit down together and discuss the emotional factors for you and her emotional connections to you and then come to an agreement as to what is acceptable to both of you along with a second list of maybies that can be tried. But don't make a list of "absolutely nots." That way the door is still open to allowing for you to each adapt to each other which helps you to establish boundaries and limits that are considerate of the views of both of you. It sounds like the approach so far is her, to some extent, sitting by and observing what you do and then when she sees something she does not like she is critical of you which does the relationship no good at all. So have that discussion. Apparently she recognizes your needs but how to satisfy those needs in a way that is acceptable to her is done through a reactionary process rather than being proactive in setting boundaries and not crossing them in her presence. What is acceptable in private may be very different than what is acceptable in the relationship and those differences need to be understood and followed, yet with a flexibility to allow for changes in the views of each of you. That is, keep the communication lines about boundaries open and don't chip them into stone.

[Maid_Marion]

It sounds like you aren't talking enough. It is a relationship red flag when you start assuming. This is what she is upset about most. You didn't ask.

Marion

[MonicaPVD]

This x 1,000. One thing is convincing her that you enjoy the clothes. Making changes to your body, even if only temporary, is a whole other level for her to wrap her head around. Slow down, friend. Don't ruin a good thing.


Maybe it's not the actual forms but the idea of changing the look of your body. Think of it this way. Women can get away with wearing men's clothes rather easily. It's just clothes. Now if they stuck a sock in their crotch, that would change your whole perspective of it just being about the clothes.

[Robertacd]

I think Genifer Teal nailed it.

[April Rose]

Another vote for Genifer's P.O.V. It's the shape, not the material.

[Suzie Petersen]

Chloe,

I also think there is a good chance Genifer is right that it is likely the change of body shape that bothers your wife, not the actual forms. So using something else to add the shape will not solve the problem.

You mention you now have a better idea of her limits now, but my question for you is this: Did you actually talk about specifically what bothers her about forms and hip pads?
It might be helpful for both of you if she can put words on this, and it might also be helpful if you can put words on why you want to emulate the female body shape. Some wifes/girlfriends can to a degree accept or tolerate that their hubby enjoys the clothing and maybe the makeup and hair too, but they often really struggle with why he wants to make it look like he is actually a woman. Many only see one reason for that desire, and it does not fit with the "I just like the clothes" argument at all.

Regardless, be very careful not to overstep a boundary like this! It is clearly important to your wife and if you break a promise to her you will struggle to recover from it.

[Teresa]

Chloe,
I had the same problem with what to use as boobs so I gave balloons a go . They worked OK until I put one inside the other then filled them with water , I found 7ozs worked with what I have naturally so I ended up with a 36c bust . I've tried expensive forms but I hated them compared , my homemade ones tick all the boxes for me and I'm out fulltime without any problems . Maybe don't knock them till you try them , mine are now into their third year , so I need to make some new ones soon , they even work in strapless bras and strapless dresses .

Gennifer makes the point which I thought my wife would object to , forms with nipples is one step too far , I don't give them a second thought now , perhaps having all my own would be better .

[DianeT]

I won't try to understand why your wife went mad, I can see many reasons. But you seem to have made the typical mistake many crossdressers make (and even promote for some), which is considering that anything not discussed is permitted by default. If your wife is anything as mine is, for all things crossdressing, this is exactly the opposite. Anything that has not been discussed is off the table. If you want it on, discuss boundaries again. Boundaries must be expressed but it is as much (even more!) your responsibility as it his hers. I have read many crossdresser posts saying that they were not mind readers, using this as an excuse to do something that was not explicitly forbidden. Sadly, and your incident is proof of that, anything fuzzy doesn't play in your favor, it is just another time bomb for you and her, as she can always imagine the next thing you are going to do with the same excuse. Crossdressers aren't mind readers? Right, but then they must ask the question, not elude it and hide themselves behind their finger.
Good luck Chloe. I'm sure it will get better if you do it right.

[kimdl93]

I’m glad that you and your wife have gotten past that hurdle, at least for the moment. I made similar mistakes - especially mistaking silence for tolerance/acceptance. I also missed numerous signs that she was struggling emotionally. That internal struggle, as much as my dressing, created a permanent rift between us, even when I went 18 months without dressing in her presence. Its exactly 5 years today since she asked me to leave.

I hope you can negotiate these treacherous waters more effectively than I did. Obviously, theres a lot more conversations that are going to need to be had, and it may be that her limits are permanent. How would you feel about that?

[darla_g]

Chloe, to better understand the dynamic do you dress around your wife? Do you have kids and do you dress around them?

[bridget thronton]

Padded bra?

[Stephanie47]

Why your wife became mad is rather obvious to me. She married a man. She married the man who was present before her. Not the man unseen, hiding in a closet. My wife said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" I just describe an event on another thread which is suggestive of my wife's position. All was relatively alright wearing a nylon nightgown on occasion, but, adding a bra to my collection brought about "The Talk." It is also possible a woman may feel totally uncomfortable with a man presenting as a woman because there is an inference of a lesbian relationship which may go over like a lead balloon.

"Balloon?" Perfect lead in to breast enhancement. Maybe I am just cheap, but, I do not have breast forms. I use water balloons....9 " party size. I have never had a failure. If there is a defect in the balloon it is obvious when it is being filled. I have found bags of 100 at Walmart in white, and, lesser quantities in various colors. If you're going to have a party you're ready with a supply. :)

My first breast enhancement which I still have and use at night is a Nerf ball which I cut in half. No bounce to the ounce like a water balloon, but, wearable in a bra when sleeping. Cut in half there is a flat side and a rounded size. The flat size fits comfortably on the wall of the chest. The Nerf ball also came in handy when I under-dressed outside the home. In the fall and winter I would slip it in a bra when out driving. It is easy to remove when I go in a store. Re-insert when I wanted.

I think one of the problems in a marriage is making assumptions about anything when there has been no discussion. It sounds as if, since a wife has not come out with an affirmative statement or list, it must be OK to do it. I'll go back to my vivid red bra incident with my wife described elsewhere. When I wore a nightgown because I truly loved the feel of nylon I presented a the male she fell in love with; six foot two, 175 pounds of lean military muscle, totally hairless due to my genetics. So, there really was no visual transformation from male to pseudo female. No makeup. No wig. No attempt to replicate a woman. Add the bra. Wham, "The Talk." A total different ball game. When I read threads on this site many times I read about "creeping cross dressing." "Go slow." Inch along. Then the guy gets upset when what started as a panty ends up with all the proper undergarments, hosiery, five inch heels, wig, makeup, breast, butt and hip enhancements, and, he wonders why his wife had a fit. My wife is a strong woman and she does not take crap from anyone from day one. It is nice to know the rules of the game before it is played rather than making them up as you go along. IMHO.

[docrobbysherry]

U shouldn't be asking us anything at this point! If u don't discuss this completely with your wife you're only going to make things worse!:doh:

Altho, after my separation, then divorce? What I wore and when was completely up to me!:heehee:

[Kimberly A.]

Hi, Chloe. :)
First of all, when a woman says, "Do whatever you want"..... DON'T, because she doesn't really mean that you can do whatever you want, (I have no clue why women say that LOL).
Anyway, a good alternative to breast forms, (and this may've been posted already but I haven't read through the replies), is knee-high stockings stuffed with rice. That's what I did the first time I went out dressed before I ordered my breast forms and it seems to work well. I don't think it matters what kind of rice, but just make sure you get an equal amount in both stockings and you can add as much as you want to make them as big as you want. Here's a how-to YouTube vid tutorial on that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP2zk8OKS9I

[Jodie_Lynn]

The real problem here, as I see it, is not 'what substitutes can I use?" as much as it is a communication issue between you and your spouse.

"I thought my wife was..." "mistakenly assumed that meant..." "In the past she said..." "I thought that had changed..."

What made you think that your wife's position had changed? What made you assume that she was comfortable with your desires? Why did you think things had changed?

We managed to work past it and I have a better understanding of her limits now.

I'm sure you listened to her, but did you HEAR what she said? If she is against breast forms, why do you think that rolled up socks stuffed in a bra will be received any differently?

[TheHiddenMe]

I use padded bras. I have one Victoria Secret and two from Ambrielle from J.C. Penney (although I have just ordered but not received some breast forms).

[tooshytogoout]

So you think your wife is ok with some OTHER form of breast forms? Maybe you should run the idea of "forms" past her.

[Aunt Kelly]

I am with Maid_Marion. You were operating in a vacuum and crossed a line that you believed had moved. Talk more. Assume less.

[Visitor]

I hope folks will indulge me. I found a wonderful article that is intended to guide therapists who work with male crossdressers and their partners when the issue is causing so much disturbance in the relationship that therapy is warranted. At the outset I'll say the paper accepts that crossdressing is not something that can be reversed or extinguished and that the issues all revolve around finding ways of respecting both partners' feelings and needs. It seem the perfect article for this conversation and touches on many things spoken of on this thread. Check it out folks... The title of the article is Male Cross-Dressers in Therapy:A Solution-Focused Perspective for Marriage and Family Therapists

https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.614.1793&rep=rep1&type=pdf

[closets]

so your wife was considering a cd cruise, which means being out in public with you dressed. And yet she is really mad about some breast forms? there's a lot that can go into a female presentation, and so I'm guessing she isn't fully aware or isn't as accepting as you thought.

[Liz Jones]

Hmm,
Have you noticed (this summer) that women wear Bra's even if they have nothing to put in them? Have noted flat chested woman wearing bra's &commented to wife over no need to wear the Bra---silence...

A Bra is is a womans badge of office.

So to see a non woman wearing one can be an affront to some GG.

[Kim Summers]

It sounds like you aren't talking enough. It is a relationship red flag when you start assuming. This is what she is upset about most. You didn't ask.

Marion

Being in a relationship should not mean you can not be an individual and make decisions.

I bet she does not ask if its ok when she buys everything so why should Chloe? x

[Paulie Birmingham]

Wearing panties for whatever reason is one thing, but as others have said forms are a completely different thing. Not every wife is into someone wearing forms . No different than I would be into wife wearing a rubber prosthetic. It's just not my thing

[Jodie_Lynn]

Being in a relationship should not mean you can not be an individual and make decisions.

I bet she does not ask if its ok when she buys everything so why should Chloe? x


When I was married, I had a few hobbies, and purchases for those hobbies could get a little pricey. Anything I wanted to get, if it was over $100, I discussed with my wife; 'can the budget stand with this purchase?' 'will that leave us short on a bill?' And she gave me the courtesy of asking if she could indulge in a little feminine pampering ( i.e. mani/pedi's, haircuts, clothes shopping ), to which I gladly acquiesced. "Happy wife. Happy Life", yeah?

What gets me is how many folk think that the spouse should just roll over and shut up, while her MAN does everything in his power to appear female.

I mean, FFS, SHE married a MAN, and if you weren't upfront with her at the beginning ( and YES, I understand the difficulties, intimately ), then you have to understand how earthshattering these revelations are to her.

At times, I feel that many crossdressers are extremely selfish in their desires to be feminine. I'll probably get dinged by the Mods, but.... IF you are in a relationship ( married, engaged, living together ) You are NO LONGER a sole operator, you are part of a COUPLE, a TEAM.

You can't just say "Imma do what I want!", without regards for the consequences.

[Ashlee]

Maybe gel breast enhancers?

second. i got some from Fredericks of Hollywood 13 years ago, they look like chicken breasts, meant to supplement a womans chest. They are ok but could be bigger for my liking.

[Cheryl T]

It's probably not the forms themselves, but the idea of how close you are getting to having breasts and it's disturbing to her.
Stuffing your bra with socks, tissues, water balloons and such most likely seems to her to be comical or clownish, but when you inject silicone forms meant for a woman going through surgery it might just be too much.

Talk to her and ask why they upset her so...she probably needs to express those feeling as much as you need to express yours in dressing.

[Donna St. Marten]

You wife said "no breast forms or hip pads," and you thought she was talking about gel? You two need to sit down and have a long talk. But first hone up on your listening skills.

[Jodie_Lynn]

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N is the Key!

"Oh! You said 'no rubber forms', but didn't say "no silicone forms...." you are being deceptive, and doing your spouse a disservice.
I know that there are many here who feel that the CD has the "right" to engage in whatever behaviour the CD wants to, BUT , if you are in a relationship. you have obligations to Your partner!

WAKE UP! It ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!

[SophyV]

First let me say that if your wife is against specific forms like ones with nipples, fine find an alternative. I use water balloons filled with the gel crystals that hold water. They aren?t as sloshy as water only and are easy and inexpensive to make. Wrap them in a couple layers of nylon and your good to go.

Second, I agree with Jodi Lynn. You need to respect the spirit of your wife?s wishes and giver her what she needs as well as what you need. Compromise but don?t assume.