Dramatic Irony

[CharlotteCD]

There have been a number of comments recently that have a lot of meaning for me, and are throwaway for others.

First instance, discussing breastfeeding and my wife saying about how much easier it would be if I had breasts. She knows about my dressing, but it's been discussed since our one and only conversation after she found my clothes. The comment was completely without CD'ing thought.

My parents then followed up by discussing how my sister used to love a particular doll growing up, and that she used to put the dolls dress on the cat, and she used to dress me up in it as well.

As these things come in threes, it's also been mentioned recently that I was going to be called Charlotte had I been born a girl. Now, my parents have never (to my knowledge) seen me dressed, but found my sisters clothing in my room enough to know, and directly asked me growing up if I wore them or wanted to be a girl, so they must know the awkwardness that this can cause.

I always want the ground to swallow me up when stories like this are told - am I alone in this?

[Jodie_Lynn]

Hang on... YOU were able to fit in the doll's dress?

And you later dressed in your sister's clothes? And that you believe that your parents were aware of your youthful crossdressing? How did you answer your parents inquiries?

And what do you mean by this:

I always want the ground to swallow me up when stories like this are told - am I alone in this?

[kimdl93]

Not alone at all. There are a number of stories from my early childhood, adolescence and adult life that caused me to cringe at best or wish to be swallowed up by the earth as you mentioned.

[CharlotteCD]

Hang on... YOU were able to fit in the doll's dress?

And you later dressed in your sister's clothes? And that you believe that your parents were aware of your youthful crossdressing? How did you answer your parents inquiries?

And what the frell do you mean by this:

I always want the ground to swallow me up when stories like this are told - am I alone in this?

I could fit in the dolls dress when I was a baby, not when I was actually a toddler or older. Yes, I dressed in my sister's clothes - that started when I was used as a dress model by my mum, and by my sister and her friends who dressed me, all under the age of 5 I think.

Naturally I denied wearing the clothes - I knew I wanted to be a girl and wished it every night, and this meant I thought there was something wrong with me. Reinforcement came from my parents believing that being gay was unnatural, and 25 years ago (and even now) crossdressing = gay to many people.

If I was growing up now with more open and understanding parents then I'm convinced I would be on hormones and living as a female.

[Crissy 107]

Charlotte, Many of us here can identify with what you said and how you feel. I can remember wanting to be a girl and go to ballet school.
My wife recently told one of her friends how I enjoy talking with girls more then guys. I did not deny it, as it is absolutely true.

[GretchenM]

Well Charlotte, what you experienced is a common pattern in those of us who are gender variant in so many different ways. Those early years in our lives have such a huge impact on the direction our sense of self goes in the future. It just goes to show that the impact of environment is so great on the development of our identity.

That said, it is not the whole story because some who experience what you experienced grow up with identities that are "normal," whatever that means. The thought is that there may be genetically based predispositions that we are born with that are activated when experience exposes us to something that is a bit out of the ordinary. Hard to explain any other way.

The problem with a predisposition is that once it is turned on it really can't be turned off. It can be managed, but not eliminated. Predispositions don't come equipped with off buttons because most predispositions are very useful tools used in adaptation. Because they are driven by genetics they are a kind of gift that is supposed to help you survive. But triggered in a favorable environment they can create behaviors that are not what we rationally expect and consider the norm with regard to our social behaviors.

Thus we are kind of stuck with it and there is nothing we can really do about it without creating a great internal disturbance (dysphoria) that won't leave us alone and keeps appearing and making demands until whatever is considered normal behavior for that predisposition is performed. The predisposition makes us feel female-like and we have to complete the circle with some kind of female-like expression that is sufficient to satisfy the demand.

That can also explain why our response to the demand can be so variable. Some have to transform completely while others do just fine with a few bits and pieces and others are configured with everything in between those two extremes. Plus, it changes over time and can become stronger (or weaker).

Well, that is the theory. There is a lot of excellent evidence supporting it, but other theories do exist that also work quite nicely. Bottom line? Nobody is quite sure where it comes from. But certainly experiencing what you did is common enough in us that it must be involved in the formation of gender variance in some way.

[Stephanie47]

"but other theories do exist that also work quite nicely." I'm glad you threw that comment into the discussion. For the life of me I cannot truly understand why a rough and tumble little boy who got into so much trouble doing little boy "things" turned into a cross dresser. It was definitely not nurturing.

Charlotte, I think you have a wealth of information, or maybe experience, to explain to your wife why you're a cross dresser. I don't know if your wife's comment about having an extra pair of breasts around the house would be of benefit to feeding your child is not totally void of thoughts about your cross dressing. It may be a subtle way for her to sort of tell you "it's all right." Your mother's comments are helpful also as those comments do affirm cross dressing and you have a long history together. The manner in which you stated your mother's comment did not overtly suggest she was expressing negativity of finding your sister's clothing in your room. My parents would have beaten the crap out of me. They were homophobic. If I was born a girl I would have been named Stephanie after my grandmother, my mother's mother. My dad's sperm faked her out and I was given Stephanie's male equivalent. The manner in which I was treated was totally different than my older brother who is named after my mother's father. I believe I paid dearly for not being born a girl.

Charlotte, embrace who you are. If your wife is aware of those comments of your mother I think it would be easier to have further discussions with your wife. As a father who went through all this child rearing stuff already decades ago I make this suggestion. Have your wife pump her breast milk into a bottle. You do the feeding for an afternoon so she can get out of the house for an afternoon or evening without having a baby hanging on her. One of the things I always hear from my wife is the time she was so frustrated with parenting that I told her to check into a mid-town Manhattan hotel directly across from Macy's Herald Square and take long baths and go shopping at Macy's and Gimbel's. Giving your wife that sort of break can take the place of being a "wet nurse."

[Crissy 107]

Good posts GretchenM and Stephanie
Stephanie, I have not heard Gimbels mentioned in many a year and now we are losing so many Macy’s also.

[CD Rachel]

GretchenM,

That was such a good explanation! I hope you do not mind if I paraphrase what you said if I ever get a chance to explain myself to my wife.

Rachel

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[CharlotteCD]

Some really good responses, thanks.