What do you get out of it?

[Michelle Vinova]

I got this question from my wife last night. After years of DADT we are trying to be more open and honest about it. She is trying to be accepting but it is a big challenge for her.

I know this forum has been asked MANY times “why” we do it. Nature, nurture, etc. but I think this is a slightly different question. Like how does it make your life better.

I really struggled answering what I get out of it. “Enjoyment” fell totally flat.

Admittedly, I’m not the best communicator.

I love cross dressing, I get a lot of enjoyment from it, but I’m still struggling in “what I get out of it”... other than causing hardship on my wife and keeping secrets from everyone else.

What do you get out of it?

[Breeheels]

To feel right. To feel good, I am hypertactile due to my autism and the sexy things I wear feel all that much better. Its calming for me. its a bit naughty and a bit of a thrill. Especially when a female co worker comments on my chest that I must be getting in good shape when its actually just a bra. Ide be lying if I didnt say at times its a sexual thrill. Especially when it turns on my GF

[Pumped]

I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.

[Micki_Finn]

Attention, adoration, and money! Of course the disclaimer here is that I?m a Drag Queen, so I don?t know how applicable this is to your own life. The rush from performing is incredible and it?s soooo much fun! Then having people coming up to you afterwards and telling you how fabulous you look and how amazing that outfit you made is, that?s the best.

To put it another way, I get in drag for basically the same reason women wear wedding dresses instead of getting married in jeans and t-shirts. It?s all about looking and feeling glamorous.

I understand why ?enjoyment? is too vague an answer for your wife. ?Enjoyment? can be anything from what I described to ?self pleasure? in a dark room.

[Val_Blackbird]

I could be horribly mistaken about this, but I think I look younger and more visually satisfying in fem mode. So, warranted or not, there's a slight confidence boost, I think. I have noticed, when I was going to the live shows at the bar, I tended to be a bit more vocal and willing to interact with others than my natural state. Perhaps there is also a bit of escapism. I don't have to be "me" for a while; I can be someone else who's allowed to wear 5-inch heels and painted nails. And, somewhat going back to aesthetics, I'm not the really short guy in the room / crowd. I'm the somewhat short girl, kinda.

I'll admit to being a little turned on also, but nothing inappropriate, just slightly. Sorry if I shouldn't say that.

[Robertacd]

I get to look like on the outside what I feel like on the inside.

[Michelle Vinova]

I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.


Hi Pumped,
I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.

[kimdl93]

That?s not a bad answer. In fact, i think it would be rather odd for someone to engage in an activity that they didn?t enjoy at some level, whether its cross dressing or hiking. At some point, the why question can become an endless loop. If you say you enjoy the experience, then the question morphs into why do you enjoy the experience. What then? I enjoy it because endorphins are released in my brain when I cross dress. Why are endorphins released... and on and on.

[Pumped]

Hi Pumped,
I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.

If you are not ready to be out, what ever the reason, why worry about it? In the mean time, fly under the radar, try keep your wife happy and nobody else needs to know.

As for talking to someone, there are professionals, no need to drag in friends. My wife and I discuss my dressing, she doesn't discuss it with anyone else.

[MaryAnn1963]

A sense of balance, of feeling whole and complete. Continuity from how I feel to how I look.

[docrobbysherry]

With respect to Micki: Attention, adoration, and a place to to spend money!:devil:

For me it's also exciting, stimulating, arousing, and provides me a full social life. At 77, it also gives me a good reason to get up every the morning!:battingeyelashes:

[mbmeen12]

Dressing and etc for me is like connecting the dots game......lol I do look younger, hotter too.

[Crissy 107]

Happiness

[Teresa]

Michelle,
I feel you should ask yourself the question , " What do I want to get out of it ? "

[Connie D50]

I like Kim's (Kimdl93) reply
You might try asking your wife about one of her interest not to be sarcastic but maybe she can better describe her feeling and that turns a light blub on for you in your interest in how better to describe your feeling.

[SaraLin]

Well - for me, it's a sense of "rightness" (spell checker says that's a real word). For whatever reason, I feel more in sync with my inner self.

<resorting to analogy again - sorry 'bout that>
I'm left handed and if I try to use my right hand to do things like writing, it feels terrible and looks it too.
If I were forced to act like I was right handed, it would always feel wrong to me - no matter how "normal" others think it is.

[Paulie Birmingham]

A sexual thrill.

[GretchenM]

I am with SaraLin and Robertacd. It creates a consistency between my inner sense of identity and my outer expression. Inconsistency in those two produces dysphoria (discomfort) and the way to fix that is to create consistency. Cross-dressing does produce a strong feeling of well-being and the like, but it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance. Much of the time the dysphoria is very mild and can be handled, if necessary, with just bits and pieces of the more female-like expression. But other times the dysphoria is intense and requires a lot of outward expression to create a balance and turn me from a nervous wreck into a calm and collected and confident person.

But the experts say that the justification for cross-dressing varies all over the place with some just doing it because they can, or it provides a sexual stimulation, or any number of other reasons. Not all people who cross-dress are dysphoric, but, as a rule all people who are gender dysphoric cross-dress. Well, almost all. There are a few that don't and address the dysphoria in other ways.

In short, there is no single reason - we are all different. So, what do you get out of it? Only you can answer that question.

[Bobbi46]

This is a very emotive thread for me, my journey to where I am now has been a very event filled one, a couple of ups and downs along the way, but what I have now is an immense sense of feeling content. I feel so much happier within myself in being able to (now) go pretty much wherever I want to go. I have sense of inner freedom knowing that I am accepted properly in my locality but also its getting easier in town as well, as time goes by.

[Visitor]

The sad reality is that crossdressing is viewed by most people as deviant. You can enjoy a wide range of interests and activities, all of which you can tell your friends and family about without fear they will judge you. Crossdressing will never be one of those interests. Asking your wife or partner to join with you in your interest is asking a great deal. We want to accept ourselves and to the extent shame has been part of our journey we wish to dissolve that. Those are processes that happen between our ears. But that still leaves the rest of the world where it is... judging the behavior and the person engaging in it. You can say "I enjoy it" but I'm not certain that would be adequate given the weight that must be carried by our partners if we want their support. If you want simply to enjoy it on your own and are willing to accept whatever judgment comes your way, you can do anything you want. You can become a drag queen. You can transition. There you will find others who've embraced those choices, but you may not have family and friends joining you on the journey

The mention of gender dysphoria feels important. We are not comfortable in ourselves without indulging ourselves in this way... though we each do it in our own unique way. There is no one size fits all. The question of why we experience dysphoria comes next and my guess is there is no one answer to that either. I believe I know what it is about for me, and I can say that being able to express that to someone who cares for me makes it easier for them to understand. It is still not behavior I talk about with all of my friends. I don't indulge with my closest friend though she knows. But I'm not married and don't have to negotiate my desires in relation to my partner's discomfort. But that discomfort is as relevant to a relationship as your need to dress. Not every partner will go there with you, with me. I've never asked one to do so. I certainly appreciate the tenderness of feelings being explored here. I think conveying to your wife how crossdressing soothes you and makes it easier to negotiate life would be good. When a partner can't go there with you, difficult decisions need to be made.

[Stephanie47]

"it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance."

I was mentally fumbling around trying to find the phrase which would reflect how I feel. Thank you Getchen! That sort of works both ways. There have been many times in the past when I had the opportunity to be en femme, but the pull was just not there. A long time ago, decades ago, I tried to express myself to my wife with the line; something about expressing my inner woman. She shot back something to the effect "When you can have a baby, tell me about your inner woman." That effectively shot me down trying to come up with some reason for why I do what I do. So now I just say that I do not know why I have the need to wear women's clothing on occasion. It just feel right at the time I am doing it!

I guess a husband can turn the question around and ask a wife why she is so against this form of expression. My wife told me if she wanted to marry a woman she would have married a woman. Why does one woman kick her husband out the door at the first hint of cross dressing and another wife comfortably sits with her totally en femme husband watching television?

[KymG]

It calms me.
I can get to a relaxed zone as a girl that i don't get to as a guy.
Visually, The thrill of looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a reasonably good looking girl, (body wise, face not so much) or looking down and seeing boobs on my own body.
It can be sexual.
The feel of it, standing in heels, the brush of a boob against an arm, long hair.
The excitement of walking down to the car.
Above all else, i have no choice and feel compelled to dress up. As nicely as i can manage.

[NancySue]

I?m one of the fortunate dressers with a supportive, very helpful wife. I always ask for her opinions, ideas and suggestions. I always take her advice. We have an open sense of humor. She?ll never understand why I love to wear underwires, hose, heels, etc. To her, they?re just clothes. When I dress, which is daily, I experience a warm sense of relaxation, joy, and calmness. With her help, putting on my makeup is easy and fun...after a lot of practice. Every morning begins with an anticipation of deciding what to wear...beginning with my panties.

[CynthiaD]

Why is it wrong to wear nothing but a speedo swimsuit to a formal dinner party?

It’s something that no one would do, but try to explain it.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see myself, not some stranger. So I present as a woman.

[Cheryl T]

Quite honestly because I love being in touch with all of me.
There are parts I can't (or won't let myself) connect with unless I'm expressing myself as a female. I just feel whole.

[Confucius]

What do I get out of it??
Simply, it makes me happy.
For those who need a more technical answer... My brain is hardwired to release feel-good neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.) when I feminize myself. The neurological response is automatic and involuntary. The sensations that accompany the neurotransmitters include; gratification, sense of accomplishment, reduces stress, anticipation of pleasure, and fulfillment. I have no illusions, and I know it looks weird, so there are also some sensations of vulnerability and fear of rejection.

[Lana Mae]

I am 24/7 transwoman but crossdressing keeps the dysphoria away! Crossdressing helped me determine that I am a transwoman! YMMV, but that is what it did for me! We are not all the same and you must determine your own "Why?" or "What?"! Hugs Lana Mae

[TheHiddenMe]

Satisfaction?

I haven't figured out the why, but when I was young I wanted to try on a dress. I was jealous of the boys who got to dress as girls on Halloween (I still am).

I enjoy the look and feel of women's clothes and shoes. I love trying on clothes and seeing how I look in them. I can try on something formal and transport myself mentally to attending a Christmas party in the beautiful dress I'm trying on. I like to see my image in a mirror. I like that I've made women friends who like to see me dressed.

I compete in shorter triathlons and running races up to half-marathons. The races are never "fun" because I am pushing myself to my physical limits. But I get an immense amount of satisfaction once I am done, especially if I've achieved a good time. It's the payoff for all the hard work I do to get to the finish line.

Getting dressed--and anticipating the next time I get to dress--gives me the same sort of satisfaction. It's just part of whom I am.

[Brandi Christine]

I get a feeling of rightness, fulfillment, excitement, calmness, lots of sexuality, and the comfort of seeing that pretty face in the mirror smiling at me.

But that also comes with:
ambivalence
fear
unhappiness
rejection
guilt
shame
remorse

[Mezzanine]

As I am genderfluid, it gives me a way to express and embrace my femininity. It feels empowering, comforting, and delicious.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle :hugs:, It is having the best of both worlds, >Orchid **O:daydreaming:O**

[Krisi]

As we see here, different people believe they get different things out of dressing as a woman.

I can't say what I get out of it, I just like doing it.

[Naomi18]

I get both fulfillment and enjoyment from it. I prefer female clothing because the fabrics are softer and feel nice.

[Elizabeth1980]

What do I get out of it? - on a biochemical level, it leads to the release of dopamine/endorphins (as Confucious said above). It is kind of a rush, like riding a motorbike or skydiving. It is just not a socially acceptable rush.

Visitor - You can enjoy a wide range of interests and activities, all of which you can tell your friends and family about without fear they will judge you. Crossdressing will never be one of those interests

That is so true. You can go to work on Monday and answer what you did at the weekend with things like 'I watched the football game' or 'I went mountain biking' etc. But it's not really acceptable to say 'I spent a day crossdressing, and then went out for a drive while dressed.' This would not be met with acceptance.

[Alice Torn]

Brandi.. You said it for me too.

- - - Updated - - -

Elizabeth, So true. I just has to be kept secret, from work or business . Very few friends will accept it or keep it secret.

[Devi SM]

I was a crossdresser but now a trasgender woman and remember to ask myself the same question.

To find the answer took a long and complicated journey and for me the answer is about identity.

We do so many things trying to answer the need of an identity. You pick one thing but people has created clubs on all kind of things why? Because they find enjoyment finding people that think like them. But this still not answering the question why we, male cis, enjoy dressing as women, it's and inexplicable act to fulfill a need of inner expression. Now, again, expression of what?

It's a know fact today that the old concept of XX and XY is no longer valid. Please do your own research. The most important neednkf the human being is to have an identity. The question of who we are, where we came from and where are we going is older than ourselves and in the dimension is that some men, some more than others, need to express an inner femenine identity.

I
Unfortunately, gender identity is always confused with sexual identity as the same but, again, that's now and old concept that many are not ready to understand because is rooted in our brains that we learned together we learned to walk. It's hard to find someone can tell you what's the first thing we do to walk. It's funny that people give ridiculous answer as move one foot in front and then the other one, if you strictly follow the instructions as always that doesn't know hot to walk you will fall on your back becsuse the first thing we need to do to walk is balance our weight in front and then the feet will follow.
The same, nobody knows how to understand the difference between gender and sex. They are notbthe same and the price is the billions of gay and bisexual people in the world.

We do dress as woman because our inner woman needs to express and unfortunately many findater in life that they would be a woman but the social norms had called it wrong and pervert so who wants yo be a weirdo or pervert, then we find this web an others that so many came looking for the answer to.your question and see that are not alone so decide to keep the life without answering it.

I'm a transgender woman because that's the way I am, why? Just because and I'm happy.

Mho

Devi

[Jodie_Lynn]

As a transgender woman, perhaps I shouldn't respond, but. I've never let propriety stand in the way of me shooting my mouth off... LOL

As a guy, I tried to avoid looking at my face in the mirror. When shaving, I concentrated on the area I was working on, and avoided looking at the 'total picture'. Even now, I refuse to look at 'him' in the mirror. Due to genetics, I am bald, so, until I'm shaved, made up and have my wig in place and properly brushed out, I WON'T look at the total picture. But once I am satisfied, I smile, because the real, true me is there.

What do I "get out of it?"... a sense of completeness, fulfilment, of accomplishment That I am who I believe I am.

A woman.

[Barbara Jo]

Simply put, i have always much preferred a female role and feeling feminine ..... even as a pre teen.
Speaking to a few females over the years about this I discovered that that i enjoy the same sensation wearing feminine clothes and lingerie as they do.

[Judy-Somthing]

After 35 years of marriage I miss her dressing fem, she stopped wearing dresses and lace 20 years ago.
And that's one thing I can get out of dressing!

[Jane G]

Being dressed has always just felt right. It gives me contentment. Whether sat here watching F1 on the TV or dancing around the lounge when Stricly CD is on, being dressed just makes life feel more right.

[Maid_Marion]

I'm size 2 so I can buy a ton of clothes off the discount racks that fit just fine without alteration.

With men's XS long sleeve shirts the sleeves are too long. And if I exercise my 25" waistline is way too thin for anything in the men's department.

I find stress relief in "retail therapy."

Marion

[JennyUK]

Newbie here - I dress due to the compulsion I have. I always feel happier when I dress.

It's not a sexual thing, just something I have an overwhelming need to do. My situation of late has meant that I can't due to family circumstances, and I get anxious that I can't.

This situation changes in 4 weeks, and I am so relieved that I can go back to dressing whenever I want.

My thing is bras - I adore them, the designs, the feeling of wearing, the comfort it gives me.

My mental health is better when I can dress, it's like a release and all my other troubles fade away.

[Teresa]

Jodie,
I have to agree with you the mirror in male mode is painful but necessary but it's more my friend in femme mode I just wish sometimes it would lie a little more .

What do I get out of it ? The bottom line is it just feels right .

[jacques]

Hello Michelle,
When I cross dress I get FREEDOM
luv J

[Stephj]

Newbie here - I dress due to the compulsion I have. I always feel happier when I dress.

It's not a sexual thing, just something I have an overwhelming need to do. My situation of late has meant that I can't due to family circumstances, and I get anxious that I can't.

This situation changes in 4 weeks, and I am so relieved that I can go back to dressing whenever I want.

My thing is bras - I adore them, the designs, the feeling of wearing, the comfort it gives me.

My mental health is better when I can dress, it's like a release and all my other troubles fade away. my thing is also bras love wearing a pretty bra the feeling of wearing one. I am at peace when wearing one

[Asew]

Physically I find nothing more comfortable to wear than a skirt or simple dress. But there is some draw for the feminine in the first place that got me into wearing dresses and skirts in the first place and that is a little harder to pinpoint. But there is some part of me that loves looking down or in a mirror and seeing a skirt or dress. It is the big draw for my clothes part of the CDing.

I love having choice. Back when I was a t-shirt and cargo shorts kind of person, I had very few clothes because I didn't care about the boring clothes. Now that I dress in a mix of feminine and masculine clothes every day, I love being able to wear such a variety.

[Amy Lynn3]

In a word SATISFACTION. That is something that the Beatles never got.

[CrossKimmy]

I get to be myself

[Bea_]

Indulgence. The things I generally choose are more comfortable than men's clothes, are sexier than men's clothes and suit my internal need for a sense of indulgence that nothing from the men's side of the aisle provides.

[donnalee]

In a word SATISFACTION. That is something that the Beatles never got.

Wrong band, Amy

[sometimes_miss]

I get relief from gender identity dysphoria; whenever I'm wearing male specific attire, I feel like I'm in the wrong clothes. It's the opposite of what regular men feel, say, if they put on a dress; they could tell you that it just doesn't feel right. Even if it's part of dressing up in a costume, or for a play or a movie part, they change back to male attire when they're done. I do the reverse; when I come home from working all day in male clothes, or being out shopping or doing some type of chores, I change back to female specific clothing.
Dressing like a girl just feels normal. No sexual excitement, not a turn on for me.
It just feels right.