Am I allowed to float an idea of creating a DADT section? What do other DADT think?

[Star01]

I'm wondering how many others are in a DADT situation, go out in public very little or not at all and would participate more if they didn't feel so intimidated? Love you all but as someone in a DADT living in a more rural setting I can't wrap my mind around crossdressers who feel compelled to dress and present publicly full time. In my mind a crossdresser ought to be able to turn it off long enough to go run errands or run to the hardware store in the middle of a project without stopping to get fully dressed. This forum has been a great place and I have learned a lot but I'm thinking there has be be many who for whatever reason, DADT, or whatever are limited in how often they can dress and have to remain under the radar for family, career or what have you. To be honest about it before I found this forum I thought the vast majority of crossdressers operated in stealth and their default presentation would be drab.

What do others think who are DADT, restricted in what they are able to do or have to refrain from dressing as often as they'd like? As someone who lives under a DADT arrangement I'd feel a lot less intimidated and inadequate here if I saw more who share my circumstances. It seems to me that the crossdresser section is dominated by those who push the line between crossdresser and something more. No offense intended to anyone, I just wish sometimes that I could engage in a discussion with others in similar circumstances who understand and can relate to each other. Seems half the time I'll comment and I get chastised by someone who lives 24/7 en femme for not walking out of a fifty year marriage just so I can sit in the recliner in a dress instead of drab. Seems like there have to be others in a similar predicament on here.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Great idea

[docrobbysherry]

I sympathize, Star. But, u seem to be pigeon holing your CD's!

CD's who dress in private, "closet dressers", don't all have partners who reject their dressing. Many r single and just don't need or want to waltz around town as a man in a dress! I'm one of those.:heehee:

DADT r CD's whose partners don't approve, or simply don't want to see their male partner in female clothes. Some of those r closet dressers. But, some go out with their T friends to T friendly venues. Their partners don't mind if they don't see them dressed. Until my adult daughter moved out early this year, that was me, too!:)

I'm sorry u feel chastised here. Please don't feel intimidated by a few negative posts! I believe their r plenty of others here that dress and live under conditions quite similar to yours. Simply start a thread on a subject of interest and you'll receive a number of sympathetic replies!:battingeyelashes:

[cindylouho]

In my mind a crossdresser ought to be able to turn it off long enough to go run errands or run to the hardware store in the middle of a project without stopping to get fully dressed.

I understand the way you feel, but that statement is going to upset people here.

[Teresa]

Star,
Please don't forget many of us started well under the radar and buried in the closet , please don't feel intimidated we all have to find our comfort level . The ones with more severe dysphoria need to keep pushing until they hopefully find the answers . I retell my stories not to intimidate but to hopefully give members courage should they need it to take the next step along the road .

Restrictions aren't always self inflicted so people can't always see their way through them without the experiences of others .

The bottom line is whatever makes you happy is fine , to some the closet is a very safe haven , to me it was like living in solitary confinement , with no where to turn and no one to talk to , the shame and guilty was tearing me apart until I found the forum .

[Helen_Highwater]

Star,

I would have to say no and for the following reason. There is a wide range of experiences talked about here and having members in a DADT situation can be informative to others as to how individuals handle the situation. For those like me in the closet it gives an insight into what could happen if I "have the talk" and as such gives me and others I'm sure food for thought. Add to that those who may have been in a DADT situation but have managed to move things forward to a more accepting place provide other DADT folks with possible ways forward for them.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Star


This forum is for the support of everyone whatever their circumstances.

There are lots of people in a DADT relationship. The nature of those may differ as some others have said.

We should all value each other no matter our situation.

[SophyV]

I do agree with those who say the broad range of experiences here help give a diverse view on subjects. At the same time, there are times when those of us in the closet or in DADT need constructive advice from those in our situation without being chastised by some members for not being able to be as out or expressive.

[rhonda]

I dont see why not , why would a Mustang enthusiast care what a Corvette enthusiast thinks , does that mean they cant talk cars ,

[SophyV]

Of course not. That is what this forum is for. But when you have a Mustang specific issue a Corvette enthusiast saying that is why you should drive a Corvette does not help.

[Taylor186]

Interesting idea, but having been around here a while I know that DADT has no commonly accepted definition.

[Teresa]

Sophy,
What constructive advice do you feel you need , most of us started there sometime in our lives . Most threads in the past have been questions about coming out of the closet and how can wife /partner and family deal with it .

Star ,
There have always been members who only join to put down others no matter where they are on the TG spectrum .

[Dutchess]

Seems half the time I'll comment and I get chastised by someone who lives 24/7 en femme for not walking out of a fifty year marriage just so I can sit in the recliner in a dress instead of drab. Seems like there have to be others in a similar predicament on here.

Hi Star ,
I dont think you are alone in this .
I have had several folks actually discuss with me via PM the wish to have a sub forum for married peeps who wish to stay married so your request is not that far off . They wont say it out loud but the wish is there .
I mean if they are discussing with me of all people ....

[AngelaYVR]

If we can also have a separate section for the “tee hee I enjoy wearing panties” people then I am all for it.

[SophyV]

At the moment Teresa I am not in need of advice form that specific sub community. In the past, I have asked for advice and see others asking for advice where a significant amount of the input is to come out or be who you want to be. I have no doubt that this input is meant in the spirit of trying to help. At the same time, it made me feel like I was looking for advice in the wrong place and that unless I am in the same place they are I was doing something wrong. Sometimes we just need to hear I feel your pain because I have it to.

I have received really good advice from this board in both posts I originate and other discussions. So for that I thank you all.

[Robertacd]

I wish I could just turn it off and run to the store...

But I can't because I am TG.

Being a CD for 40+ years I was just living a lie. Being honest with myself most of all and accepting myself as TG has eliminated all the guilt and shame I carried around for most of my life.

[Pumped]

Seems half the time I'll comment and I get chastised by someone who lives 24/7 en femme for not walking out of a fifty year marriage just so I can sit in the recliner in a dress instead of drab. Seems like there have to be others in a similar predicament on here.

You need to let some of the comments just drift away in the wind.

I won't mention names, but there are a few, I like to call renegade CD'ers here that had a bad falling out with their wives and they think we all should just dump our wives and do what we like. I have to wonder if that mentality got them in the predicament to begin with. I can't help but believe some are narcissists and it was all about me to start with, then they wanted to CD and screw what the wife thinks. Then for some strange reason they are divorced. I have a wonderful wife and a great relationship. When she found out about my desire to dress it got a bit rough, but we survived it well and might even have a better relationship because of it. At the time I couldn't imagine dumping her because she did not approve of my dressing.

I don't think we need another section. If we want to break it up, maybe we need a section for CD'ers with accepting wives that don't leave the house? How about a section for CD'ers with accepting wives that go out in public with their wives? How about a MIAD section? Pretty soon we will have 25 different sections and just few people in each.

[JoanneNY]

Star, I agree with you that the DADT and closeted members of this forum have at times been intimidated by the "graduate members" of our community. The name of this
website IS crossdressers.com, Not Trans, Drag, Fettish, etc. and DADT.com. I look at it as a school that covers grades K thru 12 and beyond for our members of all stripes, and NOT an exclusive site for any one level of our rainbow clan. I wish we all can be civil and accepting, offering more advice and knowledge rather than snide remarks. JMHO...Sorry for the rant, Mods.

[Bobbi46]

Nobody should feel intimdated here, all of us here are searching fo answers and at other times able to give advice, I have every sympathy (if that is the right word, if not apologies) for all who are in DADT situation, it must at times be a very difficult lifestyle but in a way all seem to find a happy medium, rocky at times for some smooth for others.
I dont see that a seperate section is needed for those who are in DADT situations because all of the help they could possibly need is right here with the rest of us.

[Samm]

How about just directing a thread towards the people you're looking for advice from? I see it here often enough.
Like posting a dadt question to the dadt members etc...
Even in a sub forum, you're still likely to get responses from just about anyone, anyway.

[DianeT]

Star, I am not in a DADT situation with my wife per se, but am a member of the club of CDs who'd like to keep their wife. I think this isn't a small club, even if its members aren't the most vocal here. My wife and I want to make this work. So you are not alone and have all my sympathy.
I understand your point about a dedicated section, but as a matter of fact the Loved Ones section is very well suited for your needs. The audience and spirit there is I think exactly what you are looking for. This is where my wife and I shared some problems and got good help. You will also find there some questions and experience sharing from wives struggling to keep their marriage in one piece which are of great interest and generally won't make it to the present section.

[Leslie Langford]

I've been a member of this Forum for over 10 years now, and it would seem to me from my observations that a significant proportion of the participants here are in DADT or similar relationships, or else variations on the theme (e.g. DADT with the added element of DWTSI..."Don't Want To See It" etc.). This encompasses the younger members here still living at home with parents and siblings who find their crossdressing needs being stifled because of their particular living arrangements, those living with "vanilla" roommates in shared accommodations but who are still in the closet, individuals in a committed relationship with an SO where this has the makings of the proverbial "elephant in the room" with the potential to eventually torpedo the relationship (if it hasn't already), as well as the ones (especially those of us among the older generations here) who married in good faith ages ago but didn't divulge this particular "quirk" to their prospective mates at the time in the sincere belief that this "crossdressing thing" was just a passing fancy and that marriage would "cure" us. Surprise, surprise!...it didn't, and in some cases it even accelerated that desire/need - hence DADT as an imperfect coping strategy.

The mere fact that this Forum and others like it even exist speaks to the fact that many of us need a "safe" place where there are kindred spirits, where we can openly discuss our anxieties, fears, and self-doubts, and where we can seek advice from others who have already gone down the same path before us...all without fear of judgement, being "outed", or being mocked by the civilian "muggles" in the wider world who have no clue what we are dealing with, nor can they even remotely relate to us on that level.

So yes, I agree that the "DADT" crowd here is a significant enough sub-set of the overall membership that it might well merit a section of its own where our particular issues can be focused on more directly. Since there is a FAB ("Female at Birth") section here with restricted membership whose specific mission statement includes the phrase "The FAB section exists to provide support for women who are in a relationship with a crossdresser or a transsexual...", then it would seem to me that a similar justification exists for the crossdressers here who are in troubled DADT relationships that can be equally soul-crushing from their own particular perspective.

[Connie D50]

Star your asking maybe for a section for DADT. Of course it is hard for any forum to have a section for all the different aspect of a topic. That might not stop someone from chiming in anyway. (in fact I could almost guarantee that would not stop it) We all have posted a question where we get input that in our minds have nothing to do with the question. :)

[Teresa]

Pumped,
I'm not sure if your comments are aimed at me , if they are then you have it all wrong . The majority of married members here would try very hard to remain in a marriage , I had no idea I would end up with separating and now divorce . Being married 45 years with children and grandchildren should have been utopia but GD just wouldn't go away . It was destroying me as a person , I was no longer functioning in any role , I tried counselling , eventually the outcome had to be a mutual separation . It wasn't a case of me dumping my wife or her dumping me , it was more to prevent both our lives and that of the children and grandchildren being affected and possibly ruined . In my case it's proved the correct thing to do , my wife is happier , I still have a great relationship with my children . No I don't advocate dumping wives/partners for the sake of wearing a dress , most of us know there is far more to it than that , my message has always been if it is the eventual outcome the World doesn't end . The forum continually preaches honesty , I was being honest with myself so I could be honest with the people round me , I now have more respect for doing that than continuing in a pretence .

[Di]

Star,
Reading back over posts you have said
I don't know where this will end up but I do know at this point that I can't sit still and never progress beyond my vague DADT and the feeling that I am trapped in an impossible situation.
Or jeolous of those that dance the night away.
Also said you are at peace with your life and that is what we all hope for.

I do not understand you feeling intimidated as all I have read is caring people trying to help you . Everyone comes from different POV a different life and are just trying to help with their experiences when you say things like you are trapped in an impossible situation.
About your frustration in another post , we get it it is hard but hope for more days you are at peace .

My advice is take what you need , and have your best life with your wife that is all that matters.
We are here for you to vent to and our answers come from our situation and we mean to help. I also think the exchange of ideas of what worked for others would be a help .
Remember it is not a race just be you and we are here to always listen.

[SaraLin]

For what it's worth, I don't see the need for it, and I really like being able to read all the differing viewpoints from a more widely diverse group.

It would seem to me that a dedicated DADT subgroup would quickly devolve into an "I'm so bummed. She doesn't let me..." and a "Yeah, me too" mutual pity party.
It's refreshing to me to hear from people who are living comfortably in some form of DADT (my world), those who have found ways to break free, AND those who are still chafing against their restraints.
And of course - the "I thought I'd lose her, but we're working it out" stories are wonderful to hear - but they wouldn't be appropriate in a DADT section, right?

[Lacey New]

I?m in a ?She does not know and I don?t want her to find out? relationship so I guess that is a step below DADT. But is has not meant that I feel left out on this site. No, I don?t have the same opportunities to dress that many member on this site have, but I still enjoy my rare times en femme and I enjoy learning about do?s and don?t?s, shopping adventures and opportunities etc, etc. So, while I don?t think we need a separate DADT section, whether we have one or not is immaterial. If it makes someone happy, then fine.

[docrobbysherry]

If we can also have a separate section for the ?tee hee I enjoy wearing panties? people then I am all for it.

Great a great idea, Angela! A "pantie fetishers only", section! There's a forum that would probably be more active than this one!:devil:

[Star01]

Thanks for the responses and it?s good to hear from others in similar circumstances. If anyone refers to past comments be forewarned that I have been all over the map on this constantly evolving journey. I was not singling any members out but some may identify with my observations as I sometimes do when there are snarky remarks directed towards those in my situation.

There was one member that for a while would call me out every time I posted or commented but she has vanished from the forum. At 69 I have been around the block many times and am aware of all the points made in reply but that isn?t apparent in every post or comment.

Thanks for the positive comments. Another forum section may not be practical but I am encouraged by the feedback.

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Star,

Although I am not so sure opening another forum would help, I hear what you are saying. Although I have referred to my situation as DADT, it is more like this - don?t even think about it. I know many people have stated you have to be honest and have the talk, etc. It did not work for me. My wife will never budge an inch - ever. After 36 years you get to know someone, and like you I am not willing to throw it all away for dressing. Even so I find it very hard to stop so I do it in secret. It is somewhat hurtful when people tell us we are lying cheating, etc. Perhaps, but I now realize that in revealing our secrets, it is easy to be sensitive to criticism, so am am trying to brush off negative comments.

I have been lucky enough to go out dressed many times, yet I am still quite in the closet with respect to my wife. In that since you are not alone for sure. For some of us, it is the only way to stay married.

Sandi

[Sometimes Steffi]

I am also DADT. My wife knows that I CD and go out and about dressed as a woman. But she doesn't want to see me dressed, which means she doesn't want to be included in ant way.

She has never seen me fully dressed, but I did get caught wearing a bra a couple of months ago after I thought she had gone to sleep.

There are actually some advantages to being DADT.

Since she doesn't see me dressed and she hasn't seen any of my clothes, except for the aforementioned bra, she can'r give me negative feedback on what I wear. She can't tell me that I'm dressed like a sl*t. She can't say, "Are you really going out like that?" It actually is a nice compromise.

I just find other ways to get positive affirmations.

I know that most of the girls here say, "Be honest." I tried that with my wife and it just made it worse. Once, she was "nice enough" to tell me that, "If I new about this before we got married, I'm not sure I would have married you. Why didn't you tell me?"

Feel free to PM me if you want.

[Crissy 107]

I am also in a DADT marriage and of course wish I could do more but like others have said, my wife is not going to change.
That all said I do not feel there should be a separate sub forum for the DADT crowd. I feel post it here and if you get some negative comments just go past them and move on.
My thought is for every negative comment you will get many more positive ones.

[Krisi]

I don't usually scan all the different groups for new posts so I would not be in favor of splitting up into separate groups any more than is already done.

I do agree with some of the other posters here that sometimes those of us who are simply crossdressers are subject to intimidation by some of those who consider themselves to be "more than crossdressers".

[SophyV]

Crissy - the negative comments have the most impact because they sting and reinforce those negative feelings we already have. In my experience words have more power to hurt than to heal. So when there is a negative comment all of the support and love the followed gets erased.

SaraLin - You make a good point about a pitty party. At the same time sometimes people need to commiserate together.

Star - I understand being all over the map. It?s ok. I offer you a sympathetic ear if you ever want to just vent, talk, or get some objective advice from sympathetic ear.

[Lacy99]

I think it would be a great idea. It would be a place that those of us in some form of DADT, whatever it may amount to, can come together and hear from one another about how we deal with our SOs and their want to not be involved or see it. Share our pain if you will and maybe get new ideas to try.

[Micki_Finn]

As one who is not DADT, and who isn’t aware of any specific instances being referred to, would defer to the DADT crowd on this. I think some “out” girls can be a little over enthusiastic in their advice, but I generally see it as coming from a good place and wanting to be an encouragement. But if you feel comments are negative and pervasive, I don’t have a problem with a safe space for that sub-group.

[nancy58]

Star,

I'm in your situation, too. I'm not sure that I'd want another forum, though; there are already so many forums for different areas of interest, that I don't believe I could get into looking at more than one. Better to carefully word the thread subject, methinks. Like you, I don't want to toss N years of marriage just so I could dress full-time, even though the thought of being able to switch over permanently has a lot of appeal.

[Crissy 107]

Sophy, I understand what you are saying about the negative comments but if I see one on whatever thread I am reading and I do not care to hear that I just pass it by. Why get aggravated is what I think.

[Star01]

Some of the replies have been from members who say they are in a DADT and that they go out dressed. I am looking at this as a retired person with a wife and three cats. Covid has me evaluating the necessity of ever excursion out of the house and former activities that I could use as a cover to go out for the evening are either shut down or not worth the risk. A shared family vacation home was a great way to get out for a few nights but that is up for sale and no longer an option.

So my question to others in a DADT, how do you shop and how do you even get out of the house past the gatekeeper of your happiness?

As far as telling her fifty years ago, I not realized that the kink that started at puberty was a life long thing and that it would return stronger than ever late in life. To those who would accuse me of withholding that from my wife I honestly didn?t know what I was dealing with and that it would come back every time I tried to put it behind me.

On a side note I have been in therapy since the first of the year but my crossdressing is so limited by the current situation that it now amounts to a dozen pair of pantries, a shaved body and a lot of time spent wishing and hoping. At this point with neither of us wanting to be exposed to the virus just going out the door results in asking where I am going. Apparently some must still be working and possibly traveling for work which would offer some measure of freedom. That isn?t possible for me, sometimes I cope well like when there is a project that?s keeping me busy. Other times like now when there is up to seven inches of snow forecast there is more time to think about it and I get restless.

- - - Updated - - -

PS, I think it?s pretty clear that there are too many reasons not to add another form section. I believe that the preferred method is to address a post to a specific group of members in the subject line. That is what I will do going forward.

I don?t want to give the impression that I don?t appreciate everyone?s comments. Most of the time the feedback and different perspectives are welcome. I think part of the reason I felt that way is my own feelings of inadequacy as a crossdresser. I can?t shop, I can?t dress at home, I can?t go out and the only people who know are a wife who won?t talk about it, a therapist and members of this forum. In other words, my entire network of peers are on this forum so I take the comments pretty serious.

The hold that crossdressing has on me is something I have never experienced. I think about it all the time despite barely being able to do it. If we were talking about something like fishing and my circumstances were such that I couldn?t go fishing I would feel bad for a short time and get over it. Crossdressing, on the other hand, can?t be turned off or forgotten and not being able to do it causes a feeling of emptiness that can be overwhelming at times.

So that about sums it up, impossible situation and the solution is to endure more of the same for an unspecified amount of time.

I think that kind of frustration of not being able to do anything to satisfy my urges is likely shared by others.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I apologize in advance as I am not in a DADT relationship, but feel the need to ask a few questions ?
. Wouldn't posting in a DADT only section reinforce staying in a DADT relationship ?
. By limiting access don't you think you would loose the wisdom and advice of those who have moved out of a DADT relationship ?
. What is the ultimate benefit you would get by limiting participation ?

For me it was the encouragement of those who moved out that made me decide to be open with all of my new relationships.

[Star01]

Anyone in a DADT has to make choices knowing that a wrong guess could result in the ultimate rejection. I have been married for fifty years so that is a lot to sacrifice just to sit in the recliner in a dress. Even if I had total freedom I am 69 years old and not into clubbing and live in small town flyover country. By defying my wife what would I gain besides the freedom to go to the feed store in a dress? I would never be passable and I would never consider going out in public unless I could pass and had some compelling reason to risk my marriage in order to do it.

This is never going to fly for me so even though I?m sure you?re coming from a good place not everyone is willing to blow up a fifty year marriage to wear a dress to the hardware store. That is exactly the kind of thinking, that I am flawed and need to demand more regardless of the price, that I was referring to in this post. The idea that anyone who can?t go out in public drinking and dancing the night away is flawed.

[Stephanie47]

First, a Happy Veterans' Day to all who served. Covid will keep me from cashing in on those free meals for veterans. My wife and I (also a veteran) do not want a side order of Covid with our free breakfast.

Next, my wife and I will have been married fifty years next year. We are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. My wife and I have had "The Talk" back in circa 1983.

How do I go about purchasing my fem wardrobe. I am the spouse who goes to the secure mailbox down the street. I know when a purchase is hitting the mailbox as everything has a tracking number attached. Or I use order and pickup at a store.

Yes, I would like to have more time to be en femme. It was limited by my wife's retirement. Sometimes I had up to seven to ten days to be en femme when she visited a cousin out of state. Or an evening when she babysat overnight our grandchild at our daughter's home. With Covid-19 all that has disappeared. Due to medical issues my wife and I sleep apart. I usually wear a nylon nightgown and panty.

In the past I have been chided for being in a DADT situation. Sometimes the comments seem a little too "pushy" for me. Since I do not know the poster of the comment there is no way for me to assess her situation. It's not just a situation of assessing the pros and cons of spreading one's wings. I have read some comments that are "in your face" or "take it or leave it" comments to a wife. To me that mentality is nothing more than domination over a spouse. MCP; You can put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig as a former candidate for vice-president said years ago. My wife and I had "The Talk." I fully understand why she does not appreciate my cross dressing. Maybe, it all seems vanilla to others, but that's her. I would not feel comfortable shoving or asserting my desires. There was a time when my sleeping in a nightgown or wearing hosiery did not bother her. It was viewed as a sexual kink. Enter the concept of transgender thoughts, i.e., the woman within and cross dressing came to a halt for her. "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman," she said. I get it.

As to having a separate section for those of us in a DADT marriage. I don't think it is necessary. The title and reading the posters comments should be a tip off for the reader that comments are directed and solicited for those in the situation. Of course, there are posters who only seem to want to increase the number of posts shown below the avatar. There are plenty of comments made that should not have been posted. If you have not had the experience or fall within the topic, stay out of it. If you're not in a DADT and a DADT question is asked and you and your wife go out clubbing totally en femme, then stay out of the conversation. If advice is asked just use common sense.

I think the problem is one that is rather simple to resolve.

[Jane G]

Interesting idea, but having been around here a while I know that DADT has no commonly accepted definition.

Really. I would strongly disagree with you there. Do you yourself consider that you have a DADT relationship?

Start0. I have been in what I would term a DADT relationship for 40+ years. I enjoy the discussions here. It is the only CD forum I have ever chatted on, so I don't know what is common else where. I find the forum very accepting of DADT. It took me a very long time to under stand the parts of me that related to other CD's but I do understand now and I'm happy that I am excepted here for my views and who I am. There are so many flavours of CD and in the grand scheme of things we are still a rare breed. Enjoy being part of the community, we all have our subtle differences, but we are better in one forum than dotted about in minority groups.