It's like the universe just slapped me

[Jean 103]

I have started that I don't really have any problems with how I live. I work in guy mode and live as Jean, pretty simple. I'm out, but I do my best to stick to this.

This morning at work I get handed a couple papers. I see a thank you card. It is from a customer, nice but nothing really.

There is another piece of paper, an invitation to the company Christmas party. They have never had one before, and it is at a new house that they just completed, this is a big deal.

And I'm crying because I can't go. I have been crying ever sense I read it.yes tears running down my face all day at work.

First I have no guy clothes, just company t-shirts. Even if I manage to some how try and do guy mode in a social setting. The last time I tried it, well I cryed the whole time.

If I go in a dress, it will end up being all about me. That part I can handle.

I grew up with the owner and his two brothers, lived across the street. So they see me as a guy. At work that is fine it doesn't bother me.

But to be in a party dress, and I have meny to choose from, and have a room full of people miss gendering me. I will not be able to handle that.

All I can come up with is quit or send flowers.

I guess I do have problems.

Love Jean

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Jean,

Sorry to see you upset but I kind of get it even though my situation is different. I think my Christmas party will be canceled this year but we are usually flown into Nashville every year. I am just so taken by how pretty all the wife?s / girlfriends are at the party and hate that I can not be dressed like them. Two years ago I messed up and had too much to drink and ended up telling a couple of the women about my dressing. Fortunately nothing became of it.

If it will upset you more to go than to not go, maybe it is not worth going. Hopefully you will find a solution. I almost don?t want to go to mine now.

Best wishes

Sandi

[Helen_Highwater]

The simple solution is as we say in the UK, "Throw a sicky". Self isolate due to Covid, winter flu, sickness and well you know what.

I'm sure others may offer suggestions as well. Just don't let it get to you. Every problem has it's solution.

[SaraLin]

Jean, you say that you're out. Does that mean that the folks at work know about your feminine side?
If so, why not quietly approach the owner (and others) and ask if it would be OK to come as yourself? You could even even use the "I haven't got a thing to wear" (as a guy) line. :battingeyelashes:

[Teresa]

Jean,
What's the worse thing can happen if you finally come out to them ?

It was very much the dilemma I had when I wanted to rejoin my art group as Teresa , as it turned out it was a non-event , OK I accept it wssn't work related so no risk of losing my job and also they had known about my TG situation for a while .

Perhaps you don't need to go as far as a party dress , I have a nice sequined top that could be worn with smart trousers or a skirt and possibly get some sparkly flat shoes .

The other question is are they jumping the gun ? Surely the rules with Covid 19 will still apply , my group has talked about a Xmas party but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not .

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Jean,

You could decline, saying you have some health issues that make it unwise to attend in the middle of the pandemic.

Marion

[Crissy 107]

Hi Jean, I think you can pull this off, enjoy yourself and stay true to yourself. Maybe a nice pair of slacks and a under the radar top plus some nice shoes.
I know you well enough that if anyone can do this it is you.

[cindylouho]

There is another piece of paper, an invitation to the company Christmas party. They have never had one before, and it is at a new house that they just completed, this is a big deal

Even if I manage to some how try and do guy mode in a social setting. The last time I tried it, well I cryed the whole time.

If I go in a dress, it will end up being all about me. That part I can handle.

I grew up with the owner and his two brothers, lived across the street. So they see me as a guy. At work that is fine it doesn't bother me.


Try to see between the black and white. Using the information you provided, I don't think its the best plan to just show up in a dress, since you'd be stealing the thunder from their newly completed house / First Xmas party thing. You cried last time you tried to go in guy mode, so if you went that way anyway after a while you might let a friend see how sad you are about it and could confide in them that you wanted to attend in your preferred attire. Further you could say that you even brought your girl clothes along but left them in the car as you were too afraid, maybe they just might convince you and provide the needed support to push you through. Finally why this might work is due to the fact that you'd be presenting as a woman some time after the party has been rolling along, thus you won't be stealing their thunder, quite the contrary you might end up adding a lot of life to the party. Good luck Jean.

[Jean 103]

Thank you all.

After a lot more crying I have a plan.

Everyone at the company know I dress. Some at the main office may not, but that is not a thing.

The owner and his wife run the company. I talked to her a couple days ago on the phone.

I already know the dress I would wear. I going to get dressed completely and take a picture. I'm going to send it to her with my request to be introduced by my last name only. My last name is a girl's name. Most already address me this way. I use it when I introduce myself to customers, it is one of the things that help me cope.

I don't ever ask permission to be me. This is very different, it is my fault for not transitioning at work too.

There is a little more, they are going to be passing the torch to their son soon everyone knows. I suspect they will announce it at the party. And this is his new house that was just built next door to his parents .

Again thank you all , most people would not understand.

Love Jean

[Crissy 107]

Jean, Sounds like a good plan, I know you can do this.

[Maid_Marion]

Another option may be to come out to everyone before the party, so it is old news by the time the party is held.

Marion

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jean

I would suggest that if she approves when she sees the picture you wont have to worry about a thing.

Having contacted her, I have a feeling she would make sure you get treated with the utmost respect at the party.

[CarlaWestin]

Jean, thank you. You might not even realise that allowing us into your personal struggles truly helps a lot of us define and shape our own acceptance and understanding.
See. Another dark cloud has a beautiful silver lining.

Go and have a great time!

And this is post #13 on Friday the 13th, geez!

[Devi SM]

Jean, as someone else here asked, are you out for your work too? The answer is obvious, you don't, because the reason of this thread is to express your sadness.

Others say what would happy if you go dressed a a woman.

Others tell you to give excuses, elegant form of lie.

I have a question for you, how do you feel when at work dress as a man? Do feel comfortable, no problems? Then you go home or wherever else dress as a woman, and you feel happy, may be you're just non binary, so you can live comfortable in both modes, no both worlds, we live in just one world, unfortunately to live two lives is not something that most people approves and would be very uncomfortable as you say, your would be the center of the conversation that night but mat be in a negative way.

Several mentioned COVID-19 and for me is more than enough reason to do not go.

It's a known fact that covid19 is getting worse again and at least here in Californian we're going to purple tie again.

If wasn't for COVID-19 and you would enjoy go as a woman why no? So many crossdressers here living a double life living, pretending, is not healthy.
Mho.
Devi

[Stephanie47]

California is a liberal state. I don't know what the laws are in your state. In Washington the law would protect you in employment. I have seen some material from the state which addresses some issues that arise in employment. It does indicate an employer may ask a person to not 'flip-flop' in his or her presentation in order to not 'confuse' the employers customers. To me, that would mean not presenting as Mr. Smith on Monday and then presenting as Ms. Smith on Friday.

If you feel that it may have been a mistake not to have presented as a woman with your employer, perhaps it is time to make that 100% transition. If you're a valued employee and your employer family accepts you, then it really becomes the problem of the customer.

[Meghan4now]

Another option may be to come out to everyone before the party, so it is old news by the time the party is held.

Marion

I like this idea. They know who you are, so maybe it's time to cross that bridge full time.

My one piece of advice is when you go, which you will, be as upbeat and positive as you can. If you act like this is something to be ashamed of, people will reflect that. If you act as though this is who you are, people will mostly reflect that as well.

The universe didn't slap you, it gave you a gift. Rejoice!

[Teresa]

Jean,
If it's safe to do so under Covid 19 rules then it maybe a goodtime to finally make the transition at work . Pictures are a useful way to break the ice , I'm sure you're aware knowing about your TG situation and seeing the reality is totally different , I hope it works out OK for you .

[suzanne]

That is a terrible dilemma. It must be crushing not to be able to live your truth. Avoiding crowds due to Covid might be a valid excuse. But I think this is a bigger crossroad in your life. If you wear a dress to this party, though, i think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise. It won't be "all about you" as you say. You'll get compliments from women about how nice you look, nothing from the men, and then they'll move on to another topic.

At my workplace, I worried for a long time about what questions I would get from whoever saw me dressed. The answer: none. I went in with the attitude that it was "Not A Big Deal" and my coworkers reacted the same way. I really hope you'll find a way to convince yourself to go wearing your prettiest dress and act as though you've done this many times before. While you imagine now that this is difficult to impossible, once this hurdle is behind you, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck

[docrobbysherry]

I have an alterative plan for u, Jean. Spend $30 at Ross for a dress shirt and slacks. Wear some low heeled booties. Go as a guy and no one will be the wiser!

U can completely relax knowing no feathers will be ruffled or uncomfortable surprises will haunt your future business dealings! Just have fun!:)

Mary Xmas and you're welcome!:heehee:

[Jodie_Lynn]

If most of the people you work with know that you dress, please clarify the issue here, I'm confused.

I recently had to decline going to a memorial service for my beloved sister, because the family insisted that I attend in male garb. And this was from family members who declared that they supported my decision to be my true self.

It broke my heart not to go, and I've been severing ties with the family since then.

[Jean 103]

There are only two that have to give their consist. That would be the owner and his son.

Actually I already know that the owner will give me greef for not going to him first. But thier office and where they live is more than an hour away. I said that because this is something I should ready do in person. He is a very busy man , so l would have to be brief.
I grew up with him . He is a year older than me. We were in band , scouts, I did live access the street from them, so we go way back.

If I put him on the spot he will say no. If I do it so they can all think about it with no pressure I might have a chance.

If I were to just show up. The worst thing is they would do is ask me to leave. They will never fire me, even if they did I have another job waiting.

These people are more like family to me. This is the problem , it is not just a place I work. It is family owned and run.

They all know,, someone sent pictures of me dressed trying to get me fired a few years ago. I never saw them. Didn't work, he knows and doesn't care what I do on my own time.

I live as Jean, I have lots of friends , I do everything representing female except work. I have no problem being in public other than running into my friends. A good thing.

I'm could be making a big deal out of nothing to.

Back when I was coming out to everyone, this one friend I was worried I would lose. I ask this wife for help, as it turned out, he doesn't care at all. I can go to his house in ether mode.

My best friend thinks it's great I can wear whatever. The other day I stopped for a minute at her house on my way home and I was still in my work clothes. She told me I look better in a dress.

You see I can't just ignore my feeling anymore.

How I deal with it at work is be in the moment. When I'm with a customer they have my full attention. I block everything out. It's part of why customers love me. I listen to what they have to say and respond with respect .

And back to the core of my problem, it is that I respect them that I feel the need to ask permission, something that I never do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jean :hugs:, It sounds like you have things figured out, Please keep ua advised of your progress,

>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid **O:daydreaming:O**

[SaraLin]

And back to the core of my problem, it is that I respect them that I feel the need to ask permission, something that I never do.

Aha! If that's the problem, then I think that you need to re-frame your thinking.

Don't think of it as "asking permission" so much as being sensitive to the feelings of others and not wanting to disrupt their event.

Simply explain that outside of work, this is who you are and that if you were to attend, it would be a significantly different look than what you do on the job.
If they have a problem with this, you can say that you understand and politely explain that you'll have to regretfully decline.
If they're OK with it - party on girl!

[MonicaPVD]

Sounds like you are using this invitation as a convenient mechanism to force the resolution of a much deeper dilemma: complete your social transition or continue going to work disguised as a man. You have created a crisis in your head where there is none. Take a deep breath, love. You have three options. Go as yourself. Go in your man disguise (you can buy a button down shirt for $20 anywhere to go with your work pants and shoes). Or, just stay home because there's a damn pandemic and no one should be throwing parties right now.

[Teresa]

Jean,
Maybe treat respect as a two way road , you may respect them , perhaps you should give them the chance to respect you . Once I've stepped down that road I don't turn back , I try and be consistent .

[Jean 103]

Teresa , it was my choice not to transition at work. Yes consistency is everything. I only do guy mode at work. I avoid going some places while in this mode. It is like the reverse.

I am in full make-up in my driver's license picture. I have to use this ID at work. Noone has ever shown any reaction at all.

I just am feeling to be changing the rules at this time is in bad taste.

It is the timing and location. Think about it as if it were a family. I would be the crazy relative spoiling everything.

Again I could be totally wrong and they may be ok with it.

Absolutely noone will disrespectful me even if I said nothing and showed up in a dress.

It is not like I don't have any other place to be.

Teresa I'm sure you know by now that you build trust as you go. At first some people are a little hesitant, I find after a few minutes with me in public that all goes away.

I don't need to be there, but I should be to show support. I stay at this company out of loyalty, I could go to work for my friends company and not have any of these problems.

Than it could be all it my head, like when I was coming out to this same friend. He so totally didn't care.

[Krisi]

I would think that if you can go to work as a male, you can go to the party as a male. Just set your mind to it and do it. Don't cry over it.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
You really don't understand the point Jean is making , she is out as a woman apart from her work situation at the moment , she knows she needs to make that final decision and is wondering how she can deal with it without upsetting anyone .

Switching from female to male gender roles becomes harder and harder . You have to appreciate she has dysphoria as I do and it's hard but necessary to convince others that gender is an important issue and not a game .

[Debra Russell]

Jean said it all "Absolutely noone will disrespectful me even if I said nothing and showed up in a dress." If this is true just go as yourself -ease your fears - have a good time. Have fun and keep us all up tp date .................................Debra

[Jean 103]

Thank you all for your responses.

I decided to basically do as Sherry said.

Long sleeve knit top, black leggings, ankle boots. It's a holiday outfit that I have worn before.

I'll put up some pictures.

[Krisi]

Krisi,
You really don't understand the point Jean is making , she is out as a woman apart from her work situation at the moment , she knows she needs to make that final decision and is wondering how she can deal with it without upsetting anyone .

Switching from female to male gender roles becomes harder and harder . You have to appreciate she has dysphoria as I do and it's hard but necessary to convince others that gender is an important issue and not a game .

I don't think you understand the point I am making. She can suck it up and go as the male she presents as at work if she wants to or needs to. These are the people who know her as a male. A company Christmas party is not the best time to introduce herself as a female.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
I disagree a Xmas party is possibly one of the better times to break the ice , may I ask if you've ever tried it ? Every Xmas party I've been to have been amazing , mixing openly with other people from other parties , dancing the night away without anyone questioning your gender .

[LeslieSD]

You both have a point.

On one hand, if Jean has decided to come to work in male attire and have decided to remain that way, then it should not be a problem to attend the company holiday part in male attire. The male attire at work has been her choice and resolution, and no one is holding her back or saying anything on her dressing. So the decision is obvious and it is on her.

On the other hand, I can absolutely understand the sad feeling of coming to a holiday part and seeing all the ladies made up in their pretty dresses. And this "I really want that" and "So sad that I can't do that" is probably what Jean is trying to say. Personally, I think the "I can't do that" part is a false assessment.

Whichever way it goes, I wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season.

[char GG]

Thank you all for your responses.

I decided to basically do as Sherry said.

Long sleeve knit top, black leggings, ankle boots. It's a holiday outfit that I have worn before.

I'll put up some pictures.

Your outfit sounds great, Jean. Have fun at the party.

[Bobbi46]

Jean I have come into this late I admit, but I have read all of the threads, what you are trying to do is a very difficult thing to do especially at the time of year that you are talking about.
Its all very well for people to say well you dress all of the rest of the time so why not go dressed now and to hell with the consequences, easily said and hard to pick oneself up when it all goes pear shaped. Something like that I would never embark on.
Your proposed outfit absolutely nails it and I would do exactly the same as you suggest. If as I think I understand you want the whole of your works people to know about your dressing and the possibilty of going full time, then carry some photographs with you, and as time goers by and word spreads explain and show the "new you". Softly and slowly I say.
My coming out took great courage and took a long to achieve, also I lost some friends along the way, but have made some new ones as well.
lastly all I can say is good luck, be yourself and enjoy!

[Alice Torn]

We humans and animals have the gift of being able to adapt to almost everthing, and more than we realize. I know i have had so many mega changes in my life, and adverstities, and starting over many times, and moving 52 times. You will find the power and strength within to go in guy mode. After all, it is only for an hour or so. I do not celebrate Christmas, and i just refused to take part in the only party a company i worked at had. I look back, and realize i was being a block head, now, and should have been there, just to eat, and I did not need to take it as a religious thing.

[Jean 103]

Thank you Char. As most women don't wear dresses, so I'll be dressed like most of them.

I am out. Everyone in the main office may not know, but I bet they do. One guy in our office actually met me first as Jean. He was accompanying a guy I work with , who this borrowing a tool.

My guy mode is pretty girly as I am wearing all women's clothing including a sports bar. I dress the same as I would if I would be representing female. I use my last name , a common girls name.

I have had customers refer to me as a female.

I'm a service tech and most of the time I work alone. I am non stop at work, I don't take breaks. My goal everyday is to finish as soon as I can, so I can go back to my life.

I do enjoy the customers,

Don't get hung up on the word party. It's more of a family gathering. And there is only one person that I'm worried about, the owner. He is like one year older than me, I lived across the street from his family. The middle brother, we were in the same class. My boss is the youngest brother. In my mind he is still 5 years old, I know a funny imagine for your boss.

I could wear a tutu and nothing would happen to me.

Teresa gets it. I have been this way so long now that it is all backwards.

I tried doing guy mode in a social setting a few years ago for my boyfriend at the time I was living with, where I was the lady of the house. I couldn't handle it, I had like a panic attack . I completely shut down it was all I could do. It would be better if I missed the event then to have this happen again.

[Teresa]

Jean,
Yes I do get it . Not everyone understands what it means to find the right identity and the efforts needed to retain it . The expectations some people have that it can be turned on and off like a tap just to suit them . If I injure or break an arm I would wear a sling , I wear the clothes I choose to because I'm putting right something inside . As I said to my mother and sister I don't do this to upset or annoy people , I have got better things to do with my life .

[Jean 103]

Thank you again Teresa,

But the party is off now with the new rules. they said that they will stand through the holidays. At any rate the party is off.

I took these pictures of the outfits I was considering.

I wore the Maxi dress today to run a couple errands.
317210317211317212

[Crissy 107]

Hi Jean, I love all three outfits but especially the long maroon/ blue dress. I think you look beautiful and could have gone with anyone of them.

[Genifer Teal]

Sorry the party is off after all the struggles over it. I find myself in a similar situation. Still present male at work. Many know. Basically DADT but I am out to a few. I appreciated hearing your views on your situation and how they relate to mine. It is difficult to not be Gen in social settings. Maybe not as strong as your feelings but I understand your issues. The long dress is the only outfit that woul work for me. The leggings are a bad option. Too middle of the road and they don't work either way. Not a good look regardless.