Bad Experiences in Public?

[GwenHerself]

Hello ladies,

I am still new to everything and have never been out in public as Gwen. Some of you have given me encouragement through your words and experiences, and I am so grateful for that support. I have to wonder though, have any of you had bad experiences out and about while dressed? Any advice on how to avoid bad situations?

[Princess29]

Hi Gwen

Ultimately, there is just no way of knowing how someone is going to react when they see you but that is the case for any situation. If the thought of what might happen (outside of anything to do with the covid situation) is stopping you going out, then yes, you won't have to worry about being hassled but you also might miss out on something wonderful happening too. Most people are caught up in their own little worlds to notice (or care) what someone else is doing

[Jean 103]

What is your goal?

If you are looking to get to a point that your comfortable in public now is a pretty good time. With the masks and distancing, it works to your advance.

Simply go and do something that you always do in the middle of the day. Like go pick up a few groceries. Sounds simple enough, and it is.

Basically , start small and build from there. Being safe is about being smart.

[Rachelakld]

Over 20 years of going out, about 8 years ago (or 400 outings ago), 1 guy about 40 yards away got lippy. I was hoping in my car at the time so I just ignored him, and drove away.

There is a slight difference, as I'm very happy to go into self defense mode if some approaches in an aggressive manor.

[cindylouho]

I cant speak from experience, but when to go out depends entirely on you and your circumstances. More than likely nothing bad will happen, (Unless you happen to live somewhere decidedly un-liberal) there may even be a better chance that something empowering happens, but each individual has to figure it out weighing their pros and cons. Unfortunately if someone doesn't know your full story they cant give you the best advice. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember, I have to balance out the possibility of a depressive tailspin I could be sent into vs an empowering experience that could enrich my life. Good luck figuring it out Gwen, i'll wish myself some luck as well ;)

[Helen_Highwater]

One of the things talked about regularly here are those pesky little gremlins that sit on your shoulder whispering things like the mob is waiting for you if you open the door.

It would be wrong to say there's not risk involved but like most things risk can be managed. I've said in the past that even with a squad of fully armed SAS with me there are places I wouldn't go in drab let alone dressed. The trick is to know what's safe and what isn't.

So firstly to answer your question, the worst thing that's happened to me is having a shop owner repeatedly call me "Buddy" and a petrol station SA pointedly say "Thanks mate" having served me.

Most CD's start by going out for a walk at night on deserted streets or parks. Wrong! Ask you wife if she'd feel safe doing that and the answer will be no. Shopping in a supermarket, yes.

The same rules apply to us. It's counter-intuitive but being out in a busy shopping mall in broad daylight is about the safest thing you can do.

Also, trust your spidi senses. If it feels wrong then it often is. I went to eat in a Chinese restaurant I'd used before. Looking though the window I could see a table of about 10 teen aged boys and girls. Boys like to show off so I opted to avoid any possible confrontation and eat elsewhere. Simple common sense.

So OK ways to test the water. Get dressed and go for a drive. You'll feel nervous but how often when out driving do you really look at other drivers? Most are doing 30mph in the opposite direction so if at all it's a glance.

Drive though fast food. You'll be served by a teenager more interested in talking to other staff members and if they do clock you, who cares you'll never see them again. Cash from an ATM. Supermarkets are the safest. Park 30m or more from a postbox, get out and post a letter to yourself and that way you get a momento of the occasion.

The flip side of this is while out dressed i've spent time while travelling on buses and trains chatting to fellow passengers. Bored SA's and I have talked about all sorts of things. People are generally nice and if you're confident folks will engage with you.

So yes there are dangers but simple common sense can minimise those and the sheer enjoyment I've experienced over the years has been priceless to me.

[southerngirl]

I've being going out dressed for the past two years. I have never had anything negative happen. Everyone has always been friendly. I live in the south where that sort of treatment is unexpected. Like Helen said, be conscientious of the places you go. I would not randomly stop at a house on a country road. I would not expect people living in that type of area to be supportive. They probably would not hurt me, but might say some unpleasant things. Going places you think that are normally safe in the city should not yield any problems. Once you get out that first time you'll be over the big hurdle and you'll find each time much easier. Let us know how your first time goes.

Southerngirl

[char GG]

Hi Gwen,

Just remember, only do what you are comfortable doing. Don't go out just because others do. If you walk around like a scared cat, you will be noticed. Confidence seems to be the "key ingredient" in going out. Leaving the house CDed is not a requirement.

If you have an overwhelming need to go out, do be aware of your surroundings and stick to public, preferably crowded areas. Going for walks in a downtown area or a grocery store with a mask is a great way to break the ice if you feel the need to be out in public.

[Di]

Everyone is giving such great advice.
I especially like Helen and Chars :)

It is not a race if it is something you want to do great,for others they have no desire tov venture out.

I recommend visualizing it before getting out of the car, walk confident, head held high, no constant looking around to see if people are looking as that will just make people look to see why you are doing that. Dress to fit in/ blend .
If a short school girl skirt is your thing this is not the time lol ( whatever is your thing)
So if you do decide hold your head high you are doing nothing wrong.

[sara66]

i have only been out about a dozen times. I have never had a problem and only a couple of double takes. I am a day dweller, I like to shop, meet a couple of GG friends for lunch and thing like that. I think for a first outing a day trip would be best. The first couple of trips out I dressed at a friends, now I leave from home.
Sara

[Teresa]

Gwen,
When I moved to my new home town after separating from my wife I intended to go full time as Teresa , it was quite a step from being in the closet when I lived with my wife . The first week was a real learning curve , setting up a new home meant trips to banks , GP's surgeries , supermarkets , DIY stores and a car spare shop . I didn't have a single problem , no passing remarks or double takes , I was just allowed to get on with my business of living and taking care of myself .

A lesson I learned early on is don't keep looking over your shoulder expecting a bad response , if you don't go looking for one you won't get one .

The bottom line is be comfortable with yourself before venturing too far , the more you go out the easier it becomes , it's been almost three years now and I never give my situation a second thought .

If you know some situations would be risky in male mode then it's a definite no when dressed .

[Lana Mae]

Great advise here! Dress appropriate for the venue! You do belong there!
My worst experience was at the local J C Penney(now gone, sigh!)! I went in dressed and was window shopping! When I was leaving, a young clerk said, "Good evening, ...sir!" I just held my head up and walked out without missing a beat! She was out of work in less than a week as the store closed!
I have had stares and various facial expressions but that clerk was the only one who ever said anything in a negative manner! I have also been "sir" ed by grocery clerks, but more as a they were not sure type thing! Now my "ma'am"s out number my "sir"s!!! I have even been called "miss"!
If you are ready to go out, it can be a wonderful experience but be sure you are ready!
Wishing you a great experience if you do! Best wishes on your journey!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Stevann]

About 15 years ago walking in a huge indoor mall, a guy started following me, wanting to show me a good time. I couldn't seem to shake him - I would duck into stores for women, and he waited in the main hallway until I came out. I was determined to keep going, but was planning to stop the first mall police that I found. Where ARE those people when you need them? I decided to give up and returned back in the direction to the mall entrance where I parked. Somewhere on that return trip he disappeared. While it seemed like my day was ruined, it didn't stop me from going out. I'm sure many women have had to deal with such creeps.

[Angela Marie]

I have been going out dressed for years. I did have an experience a few years ago. It wasn't really that bad but I overreacted and stopped dressing for a while. Eventually, like most of us, I came back. When I began dressing again I just took a deep breath and went back into the world. For me it's all about mindset and accepting who I am. Once I became more comfortable with myself it got easier. I'm not kidding myself though; i'm lucky I live in a fairly liberal area where going out in public presents less risks than other areas. But no area is completely safe. Time, patience, and confidence are your friends.

[SaraLin]

About 15 years ago walking in a huge indoor mall, a guy started following me, wanting to show me a good time. I couldn't seem to shake him - I would duck into stores for women, and he waited in the main hallway until I came out.

Not that it helps now, but I'm wondering if you could have asked the sales people in one of the stores to call mall security for you and tell them there was a man harassing you.


As for the OP's questions, yes I've had bad experiences. I've had stares, giggles, snarky comments, and people trying to take pictures through their car windows. I've even had one doctor refuse to admit me to hospital after a motorcycle accident because he wasn't admitting "one of them."

No violent confrontations though.

[Genifer Teal]

In general overly forward guys hitting on me. Touching too much. Not taking hint when I ignore them. Don't be afraid to be direct and say you are not interested. Ask a bouncer of you need further help.

[Kimberly A.]

Hi Gwen. :) I go out dressed in public a lot and have had interesting experiences while dressed in public..... I've been hit on by a few guys who either wanted to introduce themselves to me, (one guy in particular extended his hand to shake mine inside Walmart, AFTER the Covid pandemic had started) and a couple of guys asked for my phone number, I told them "No". And one guy in a Walmart parking lot, as I was putting my groceries into my car asked if I had a bf, I told him that I'm married..... Of course I'm not married, but I do almost always wear a cheap women's wedding set to give that illusion in order to hopefully throw off anyone trying to hit on me. LOL

But as far as bad experiences, not really. I just tell those guys "No" when they try to hit on me and that's about it. LOL

[Helen_Highwater]

Let me add one of my top tips should you decide to go out somewhere new for you. The first time I ventured out in Manchester's Gay village I'd done my research. I knew where the car parks were, even at what time the cheap evening parking rates started. Once I'd picked one I used Google Street View to check the area out. Hence when I got there it was all fairly familiar to me. I recognised which streets I needed to walk down, where the venue was I was heading to.

Having that knowledge took away a deal of uncertainty and as such I felt more confident in myself which meant I was able to present better, walk taller if you will. I've done the same thing many times such as the first visit to a wig store. Knew where to park, and which way to go, not a stranger in a strange place.

As for car parks, avoid multi-story car parks if it's likely you'll be there late in the evening. Deserted concrete shells like those can be a bit scary when all you hear is the sound of your heels. Street level offers more protection as you're visible to others passing by. It's just about being sensible and thinking like a woman.

Oh, going back to your question, I think I once got insulted in Welsh by the guy in the serving hatch of a drive through Mac's but couldn't say for sure.

[Davina Katherine]

My wife and I go out often, and I go out alone also. We have have gone shopping in towns that (I found out later) were very conservative, and I've never had any negative reactions directed at me. I've noticed men looking at me as I walk by, but have decide to assume its because they like what they see! (lemon aid from lemons). My worst experience was self-made, I locked my keys, purse and phone in my car at a gas stations! But had no problems while waiting inside for help.

In addition to all the great advice, I'd add:
Stand Up Straight and Hold Your Head High

And Wear Clothes that are COMFORTABLE and Fit Well (If you're fighting with your clothing, you'll make yourself a nervous wreck and draw more attention)

[foxy bartender]

Lots of good advice here, Gwen. Jean said it right, the first thing to figure out, is your end goal. Once you know what it is you want, it’s easier to take steps towards that goal. You can start going out to run a few errands, in some androgynously feminine clothes, like basic jeans and a t-shirt and work your way up to dresses and other outfits. Once you feel confident and comfortable, it will be so much easier.
I donated all of my male clothes to goodwill more than 3 years ago, and I’ve never been happier. For me, even though I wasn’t sure at first, transition has been my end goal, and now I just live my life as the woman I’ve always known I am. It definitely took some time to feel comfortable being out, especially with friends and family, but life is too short to be unhappy, so I came out to everyone!
I haven’t ever had a bad experience out in the world, or with friends and family. I’ve absolutely had some sweet conversations with other girls randomly, about things like the shoes I’m wearing, or my lipstick color, and those conversations are life affirming. I’ve always wanted to just be accepted for my love of a pretty dress, or my makeup skills, and I finally do! If that’s what you’re looking for, I honestly hope you find it. You’re a beautiful girl, and you deserve to be happy and accepted.
Listen to all the advice here, the girls here know what they are talking about!

[Genifer Teal]

I used Google Street View to check the area out. Hence when I got there it was all fairly familiar to me.

I do this all the time going someplace new so I end up at the right place. Especially private houses first time. Imagine knocking on the wrong door? I send them a screen shot of hose from street view. Is this it? They often laugh (I guess that I went to so much effort). Sometimes I've had the wrong house and they said no the one next door or across the street.

Funny side Story, bringing a friend somewhere she had just been a few days ago. She gave me the address but I had not been there before. As we got close she was confused but I said no I recognize this corner we turn here. It was so funny that I was more familiar with the place yet had never been there. LOL

[Cheryl T]

I've been going out for about 15 years and have yet to have a bad experience. Perhaps it like they say around here about hitting a deer, it's not If, it's When. So far so good in my book.
On the other hand I have had a number of very positive experiences with others which is very encouraging.

Advice?
Same as any woman. Be aware of your surroundings and don't put yourself in any situation that could be dangerous. Use your head.
Avoid children. If you want on honest assessment they will give it to you. If they notice something different they will say something.
Most people will not even notice you if you look like everyone else. In other words, dress for where you are going. If you are in heels and a party dress at the mall you will be stared at and critiqued. If you have Blue hair or outrageous clothes you will be stared at. If you want to be noticed then this will be the way to accomplish that. Anyone that is "different" is scrutinized. Think about it. Do you notice the lady in jeans at the mall looking at skirts or the man in the wheelchair? Did you see the average guy looking at drones or the lady who was overweight? How about the girl who is 6' tall and rocking 4" heels? Of course you saw her because she was not the "norm".
Humans are great at pattern recognition. What's that mean? It means that whatever is different is noticed. Everything that is the same becomes background. So do you want to be part of the background or the foreground?

Carry yourself with confidence. Confidence, not arrogance. You belong there and you act that way. Don't be the deer in the headlights. Don't be watching everyone else to see who's looking at you, that draws attention. Be the only person in the room.
And smile. Be happy and enjoy your outing. It should be fun. You're not trying to be a spy, you're one of the multitude.

[Star01]

One comment referred to a decidedly unliberal areas. That describes my location, a trip around the block across the road is over two miles. The nearest big city area is about an hour and a half round trip. Going out in public in my town consists of a choice between Walmart and a building supply chain store. Both places I could easily run into friends and relatives.

I have made some after dark drives around that long block but I am a long ways from actually going out. My presentation needs a lot of work and I would need another experienced CD along for guidance and safety in numbers. This is not an area where I am very likely to find a friend willing to do that. I admit that I would like to experience going out in public. I would come across as a full figured mature woman so things like clubbing are not a good fit. Maybe I will get that kind of opportunity someday.

Location is a sometimes overlooked thing but those of us in fly over country have to be aware of that.

[char GG]

I'd like to add one more thing. Please resist the urge to go out to a deserted area late at night (like a park, cemetery, town with closed stores, paths). There have been posters here in the past that seemed to think they would draw less attention doing those activities - but you probably realize, that is asking for problems. If those areas are your only options, best to stay home.

Lots of good advice here. Just do things at your own pace and have fun.

[Krisi]

Yes, don't do things or go places that a woman would not do or go. You are safest in a crowd in broad daylight.

There are certainly degrees of "bad things" that can happen to a crossdresser in public. I think a lot depends on how well you pass and where you go. Personally, I try to avoid personal contact with anyone if possible so I don't go into bars, restaurants or stores where I will have to talk to others. I do go to malls and public parks and the tourist areas of a nearby city. If I have to talk it's "good morning" or something similar and keep walking.

The worst thing I can think of happening to me when I was in public dressed as a woman was a dirty look by a woman walking by the other direction. Obviously, I hadn't passed in her eyes. This was a few years ago when I was less experienced than I am now.

This hurt my feelings enough that I just walked back to the vehicle and drove home.

Obviously, this experience pales in comparison to what might happen to a crossdresser in public.

[Stephanie47]

I looked at your introduction and a posting of your picture. Without knowing your height and weight your facial features look "soft" unlike mine which look obvious masculine. You also indicated you have a supportive wife. I have been out for evening drives which are relatively "tame" unless you dwell on the possibility of a car accident or being pulled over by a police officer. I am six foot tall and 200 pounds. As a male that height and weight is great. Not so much for flying under the radar. Many years ago I decided to take strolls in my neighborhood in the late evening. On my second trip out the door I was walking down the street which with hindsight was a mistake. I heard a young woman who lived several houses down the street talk loudly to someone else that she had called the police to report a man was walking around in a dress. That made me very uncomfortable. First because my wife would not have liked my cross dressing to become know in the neighborhood, and secondly, she just does not approve. Hence forth I now go to a residential area in my small city that has grocery stores and restaurants that are open into the late night (pre-covid). On several Halloweens I did make an effort to go into grocery stores and a donuts shop totally en femme; heels, hosiery, dress, makeup, wig, the entire deal. Of course Halloween is a cross dressers dream. I would recommend, if your wife is on board with your cross dressing, have her accompany you on a stroll. It gets dark relatively early now, so a stroll at 5 PM or 6 PM is not like a stroll at midnight. I think she'd be sort of like a security blanket and two women walking together really attracts less attention than a lone women out and about. I think there is less chance of an undesirable trying to pick you up. I found after awhile being out for a stroll becomes rather boring. All it did for me is to fulfill the desire to feel the cool air playing with the skirt of my dress and slip. I get the urge out of my system. If I had an accepting wife I'd much rather stay at home.

[Ressie]

I haven't been out an awful lot and when I do go out it's nearly always with one or more other CDs. I was expecting other CDs to be at a venue my first time dressing in public. When I walked into the place it turned out that I was the only CD there! Not a terrible experience, but it was a distressing surprise.

Years later I went to a LGBT event and the same thing happened. I got there before my CD friends and when I walked in it felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt out of place, didn't know where to sit as I waited for friends to show up. I sat at a table with a few lesbians that didn't make me feel welcome at all. So I ended up standing around for the next half hour until my friends started arriving.

[Alice Torn]

Cindy. Things both nice and not so nice happen in liberal places, too. I all depends on individuals.

[josie_S]

such great advice here. Way back when I first joined this site, I had similar questions but never thought to ask them (duh), so I'm glad you did. Back then I heard that you should check your car before you go: check tail lights, tire pressure, etc and to also have a bag of drab clothes with you, including make up remover, in case you break down (or worse). I got pulled over once because I had a busted tail light, and while the cop was very professional (and even sweet), I was terrified. After that, it's very standard stuff: very handsy men, bring your lipstick, keep your drink with you at all times, and try not to go alone. I went alone to a few bars (with other cds there) and still had fun, but it was also lonely at times.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't/can't do either but I've been out a lot. Mostly to T friendly clubs, bars, events, etc.:thumbsup:

I can't tell u the number of unpleasant experiences I've suffered thru at vanilla venues.:doh:

But then again, I like to look attractive when I'm out. So, I don't dress like a little old lady and I'm an obvious MAID!:sad:

[GwenHerself]

I can't express how grateful I am for the wealth of information and advice you all have shared with me. I've belonged to several forums for other interests, but this is the first time I have ever felt like I truly am accepted and belong. You all are the best. I hope I can pay this forward <3

[Star01]

Cheryl T, I can relate to your concerns about hitting a deer while out driving around en femme. My son lives an hour from me out in farmland and I had to go over there a few nights ago after dark. It was fine while I was on the two lane highways but half of the drive was down a country road. I had just turned onto the county road and someone pulling a trailer with a pickup truck was right on my rear bumper so that the glare from the headlights was affecting my ability to scan the ditches out of the corner of my eye. A huge buck jumped across the road, they are amazing animals and can jump over a two lane highway without their hoofs touching the road. He couldn't have been more than fifteen feet in front of me and if he had run into the drivers side door he would have taken the window and the side of my head out. I slowed down after that and about a city block later there was a doe standing in the middle of the road looking in the opposite direction. I crept up to her until she heard my motor and took off running. I was not dressed en femme but that kind of remote location where a person can drive ten miles and maybe not see another vehicle and deer are jumping out of nowhere is what it's like in my world. Deer crossing the road brings that point home better than anything I could have thought of. I share your experiences when it comes to driving through deer country. I have come across whole herds of deer standing in the road on some drives.

[ellbee]

I have to wonder though, have any of you had bad experiences out and about while dressed?

Yes. But most of those were a long time ago. Perhaps times have changed a bit, maybe not as harsh, as often?

Nowadays in public, I'm typically just a guy wearing leggings. I may get a bit of varied attention, but nothing all that bad, relatively speaking.



Any advice on how to avoid bad situations?

Take the advice already given here.

However, sometimes bad situations are simply unavoidable. People will be people. Human nature. Some don't like or agree or appreciate what we do... Which is fine, their right. I get it.

Just deal with it, learn & grow, and move on. Then be sure to enjoy some positive, interesting & perhaps even mundane experiences! :thumbsup:

[kimdl93]

Lots of good replies reflecting a broad range of experiences. In my case, I began stepping outside my home back in 2010. I have done pretty much everything that one can do appropriately in public, from the mundane tasks of shopping for groceries, dropping off dry cleaning, and going to the bank, to slightly more adventurous acts like bringing my car in for servicing and warranty work...all with no issues whatsoever. I have also shopped for clothing, had makeovers at MAC, coffee at Starbucks and numerous evenings for dinners and drinks with friends. All with no issues whatssoever.

I have also traveled cross country, from my former home in Texas to visit family in Minnesota, making the trip by car frequently over a decade, stopping for fuel and meals in small towns, even getting a mechanical problem fixed at a GM dealer in a small town some miles north of Muskogee. No problems whatsoever.

Those were all varied situations, and arguably, many occurred in places that might be considered socially conservative. And yet, everyone treated me with respect.

The one thing I would suggest, for safety purposes, is to enjoy going to busy public places during in daylight hours. Risks of all kinds go up at night time, and ever more so in dark, solitary locations.

[TheHiddenMe]

I've been going out regularly for a little over 4 years, probably 200 times at least. My most frequent destination are stores/malls, but I've also been to restaurants, bars, and two concerts (including a U2 concert with about 15,000 others).

Here is my story about the U2 concert. https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2020/11/22/rock-chick/

I've never had a bad experience. To the contrary, I have received multiple (unsoliticed) compliments on my dresses and my legs, and made several GG friends, which I definitely did NOT expect before I started going out.

I've written about my first time out in the pictures forum. https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?244397-Three-Plus-Days-of-Dressing&highlight=

I would echo some of the other posters. The safest place is somewhere with lots of people. People are so tied up with their own lives they generally don't notice. Plus, with masks these days, it is harder to discern that one is a CD.

There are no torches and pitchforks waiting when you step out the door is you are sensible.

[JeanTG]

Other than the odd mis-gendering, no bad experiences. A few empowering "ma'am". I find what works best is simply doing mundane things that you'd normally do, dressed as a woman would normally dress to do them: e.g. if you're going to the hardware store on a Saturday, dress casual, jeans, etc. If you want to dress up a bit more, go to the grocery store at 5 or 6 pm and dress like you're coming home from work, i.e. clothes like you would wear at work: tasteful dress or skirt/top, pantyhose, nice shoes (flats or heels that aren't too high), basically conservative. You won't stick out like a sore thumb.

Admittedly masks have made it easier! Where I live they're mandatory indoors in a public spaces, retail outlets, etc. Restaurants are closed except for take-out.

When I started to go out in public a couple of years ago, my first outing was to my therapist's. Not long after I went to Staples to buy some office supplies and the gal at the cash gave me a nice "thank you ma'am" after I paid up my purchases. I was in total and absolute shock. I floated out of the store...

One of my best was when I started HRT (since stopped). I went dressed to the endo (no masks yet). I was expecting a script for blood work first, but the blood work from my GP was recent enough that he gave me the script for the hormones there and then. So I went to the nearest pharmacy of the chain I normally use and the lady pharmacist was just the nicest you could ask for, congratulating me on my big day and giving me detailed info on how to use the estradiol patches.

I find that now, going out I feel totally at ease presenting female doing the things a normal woman would be doing. One just needs to use common sense!

[Sandi Beech]

Lots of good responses already so I will just add one thing. I have been to many bars and clubs in a number of cities and every time it was late at night. I am very uncomfortable heading out to a dark parking lot or garage at 2 am by myself. Even if I were not having something to drink, I always take Uber or Lyft so I can get dropped off and picked up right at the front door of the club. It is definitely safer. The drivers never care and I tip them well so they are appreciative. So don?t be fearful about being driven when your safety is more important.

Of course that was pre covid so I have not gone out in months, but hopefully will again some day.

Sandi

[Gizmo, Debbie]

It is totally guaranteed that you “will” be “read”. That is to say that somebody will make you as being a guy in a dress.
It’s guaranteed.
I’m in the UK and a fairly laid back part of Scotland so attitudes here will most likely be different than those of you area.
The less intelligent and less compassionate members of society “will” shout out comments and stuff with the intent to embarrass you, or scare you.
Like most bullies though they do it because it makes them feel powerful. Picking on what they think to be an “easy target” to try and get a submissive “okay you win” type of reaction out of you.
The best tool/weapon you can have against these idiots is confidence.
It Will Be Hard to find that confidence the first few times you venture out the house but it does get easier over time.
Ignore the idiots, don’t show any sort of response. Walk tall and walk straight and look the world right in the eye. Don’t try to engage them in conversation, most likely they are probing for a weakness to exploit.

You, as Gwen, have as much right to be out and about just as much as you, as male you, does.

The only bad experiences I had/have are those name calling morons just not as much as I used because I grew up and gained confidence.
But those early days I’d run home and have a breakdown, curling up in a corner and crying my eyes out.
But I wanted to be me. Living in a free society I had the right to be me. With each breakdown I got stronger.
Now I know who I am and I’m not as easily intimidated as I once was.

[DMichele]

Gwen,

I very good question for sure. The responses cover a variety of situations to consider. I would like to just add: try to blend in and relax, take ownership of your presentation (i.e. keep your head up) and be cordial. Have a great time.

[Jillcder]

So far I have only ventured out to the malls shopping and had no issues I did pass a middle aged couple walking into a target store he started laughing after passing me but I heard his wife tell him to be quiet that made me feel better.

[nancy58]

I've never had a bad experience, but I have only gone out less than a dozen times -- not counting the times when going out was from the house to the transgender group meeting and back. Usually I stuck to situations where I felt a solitary woman would be safe: getting coffee and reading at Barnes & Noble, shopping at a grocery on a Saturday evening, going for dinner at a diner -- always where there are people around. One of my best experiences was going to a production of I Am My Own Wife, where I felt that I had an absolute right to be en femme. The only time I believe anyone "clocked" me was when I was paying for clothes at J.C. Penney. When I spoke, the clerk's eyes widened a little, but she didn't show any hostility. I was in my late 40s or early 50s at the time, and while I was passable, I wasn't a "looker", so I didn't attract much notice from anyone.

I feel like bars and nightclubs are the riskiest places for crossdressers. The attacks in the Washington, DC, area that I have read about have generally occurred near establishments frequented by LGBTQ people.

Besides avoiding risky situations, about the only other advice I have is that if you are driving, obey the speed laws, traffic signals, etc., and don't drive under the influence.

[BobbiKay]

Not that it helps now, but I'm wondering if you could have asked the sales people in one of the stores to call mall security for you and tell them there was a man harassing you.


As an alternative, you could have asked the sales people to let you out the back door of the store, into the service corridor, so you could exit without being seen.

[HollyGreene]

From your photo you look quite convincing, which is a good start.

Go out people watching. See what the majority of women wear and go for the same kind of thing. The key to avoiding confrontation is to blend in, because nobody will pay that much attention. If you wear something extreme, you'll attract attention.

Watch how women walk. Try to use a similar gait, but don't overdo it.

Wear comfortable shoes that you can walk in without having to try.

Be subtle with makeup.

I've followed these rules for years and never had any bad experiences.

[TheHiddenMe]

I will add one final thought.

I ALWAYS assume people know that I'm a guy in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in the dress, and I just want to make sure it's a pretty dress.

[MonicaPVD]

I will add one final thought.

I ALWAYS assume people know that I'm a guy in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in the dress, and I just want to make sure it's a pretty dress.

This is the spirit. We aren't fooling anyone. Most people are too busy in their own little worlds to notice or care, but this is the attitude to have. Always.

Furthermore, spend some time observing (from afar) how women act when traveling solo. Very different from what we are accustomed to. Also, don't be that CD creeping around alone after dark. No woman in the universe does this unless they urgently need to get somewhere and have no mode of transportation available to them at the moment.

Finally, relax. The more uptight you are, the more you will disrupt the time space continuum and people will single you out. Remember that most people are fabulously self-absorbed and could really care less about you or the threads you are wearing. It's all about your attitude.

[GwenHerself]

The more uptight you are, the more you will disrupt the time space continuum

My favorite quote :)! Thanks for the advice.

[Kristyn_Lynne]

I've been laughed at and called ugly. I did a performance at a theatre and when I left, the walk to my car in heels, a miniskirt and a bustier (It was the show costume; I should have at least brought a T-shirt to cover up) made me feel very vulnerable. One guy was walking on the sidewalk toward me and I was nearly panicking to get into my car. (I kinda think all men should have to do that at least once to see how women feel when they get approached like that!)

[nancymo4242]

I would say the nr.1 thing you should do, is trying to be not self conscious of yourself as you can.
If you get nervous while outside and keep thinking to yourself that you're a guy in woman's clothing, you'll start attracting unwanted attention to yourself.

If you live in a big city, then probably not a lot of people would even notice you. Everyone is busy going somewhere or doing something.

But of course you should be careful that you don't go to places where you can run into someone you know.

I've never been out as a woman in public either, just underdressed.

But when I do get to doing that, I would definitely go to another city in my first time.

And yes, I know that's not an easy thing to do right now, but I was planning on going after this pandemic is over.

Maybe you should consider doing the same. There is much less chance that you'll meet someone you know there. And you'll probably never see anyone you meet there again.

If Clark Kent can use a pair of glasses and not get recognized, then you probably won't be either.

And if all else fails and something bad happens, just walk away.

That's all I can say really!

I wish you the best of luck!

Cheers!

[Leslie Langford]

I've been out in public in "Leslie" mode more times than I can count over the last 10 years or so, and aside from the occasional (rare) mis-gendering incident have never had a bad experience - zip, zilch, nada. And even these were not malicious acts but rather honest cases of either confusion or uncertainty as to how to address me on the part of the other person.

Of course, the first couple of times out "en femme" were terrifying, and I fully expected hostile mobs bearing torches and pitchforks to chase me down after seeing that imaginary large neon "Crossdresser, Crossdresser!" sign flashing above my head everywhere I went. Oddly, that never happened, and if anything I have experienced nothing but positive and affirming reactions from everyone whom I have ever encountered as "Leslie". My wife is not a huge fan of my crossdressing - we are very much in DADT mode, and have been so for the nearly 50 years of our marriage - but every other GG whom I have had dealings with during my outings has been kind, thoughtful, supportive, encouraging, complimentary, and eager to help me be the best "Leslie" I could be. I might have "passed" in the eyes of some of them at first glance, but I'm sure that in most cases the usual "tell-tale" signs eventually gave me away, but that didn't seem to matter a bit. My guess is that these GG's typically appreciated the effort that I had gone to in order to present as authentically "female" as possible rather than come across as a cartoon-like drag queen caricature. That, along with a measure of genuinely good-natured curiosity, since for most "muggles", we crossdressers are like unicorns or yetis...rumoured to exist, but rarely encountered out in the wild. Women as a whole are more empathetic, intuitive, in touch with their feelings and respectful of those of others than the typical knuckle-dragging macho Neanderthal who is deeply immersed in "bro" culture. More times than not, I have been complimented for having had the courage to express who I truly am in the spirit of "You be you!" and "You go, girl!", with an implied welcome into the "sisterhood".

The GG's whom I have mentioned above have run the full gamut in my case...SA's, consignment store owners, makeup artists, nail techs, wig sellers, and bra-fitters, as well as image consultants and stylists etc., etc....in other words, encounters that involved pretty much everything short of me doing a boudoir photo shoot or trying on wedding gowns in a bridal store (still on my "Bucket List", though...;) ). This assistance was never rendered in a grudging, awkward or uncomfortable manner on the part of these GG's. If anything, they seemed to see it as a challenge, a welcome departure from their usual mundane routines, and at times I've even had more than one SA fussing over me and vying for my attention. Some have even confided in me that the reason they were so pleased to assist me was that I was far more appreciative of their efforts and suggestions than the average female shopper who enters their store with a bad attitude due to having an already pre-existing negative body self-image, is frustrated when she doesn't achieve the desired look or fit with whatever she is trying on, and then takes her grumpiness out on the hapless SA.

All that aside, my most memorable incident involving personal validation of my female presentation happened some years ago just before Christmas. I inadvertently stumbled into a police sobriety checkpoint late in the evening after a full day out "en femme", and I was trapped. The option of turning around and trying to avoid it would just have made matters worse, so I gritted my teeth expecting the worst, but still hoping for the best as I proceeded onwards. Looking back, I needn't have had to worry. The officer was exceedingly polite, asked me all the usual routine questions while sticking his head into the open car window within 6" of my face to see if he could small alcohol on my breath, and seemed satisfied with my answers. I don't know if he ever "read" me or not, but I do know that he smiled at me, "Ma'am-ed" me, and wished me a "Merry Christmas" before sending me on my way. Doesn't get much better than that...

[Sometimes Steffi]

Back then I heard that you should check your car before you go: check tail lights, tire pressure, etc and to also have a bag of drab clothes with you, including make up remover, in case you break down (or worse). I got pulled over once because I had a busted tail light, and while the cop was very professional (and even sweet), I was terrified.

A few years ago, I was driving home from the Keystone Conference, en femme. I got a little bit sleepy driving home, so I stopped in a parking lot to catch a few zzz's before driving the rest of the way home. I turned the car off, but left the keys in the ignition to make sure that I could find them again. I think that leaving the keys in the ignition left the running lights on, so when I woke up after about 20 minutes, I had run down the battery and the engine wouldn't turn over.

I called AAA to get my battery jumped. I had one set of men's clothes with me, plus, I also had some women's jeans and some androgynous tops that I could have changed into. I decided to just be a big girl about it and stayed en femme. The AAA guy came and was very professional. He jumped my car and didn't make any comments about my dress.

No problems at all.

[Barbara Joanne74]

I have been out and about as Barbara in one fashion or another many times over the last 20 years. Most times I have no problems. I get the look occasionally, but only a couple times has it been what I would call a Bad Experience. I posted about my worst one last month.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?271986-Be-careful

As I mentioned in it, I am not sharing it to scare anyone or to get sympathy, but to help newer members to remember to be careful and know that even if you live someplace that seems very open to CD/TS people, there are still some that want to cause problems.

Barbara

[Alice_2014_B]

I fortunately have never had a bad experience in public as such.
One guy heckled me once when I did stand up as Alice (though heckling is NOT allowed during open-mics).

It had to do with my joke about bulges.
He yelled from the back about mine being noticed, which it barely was in my pleated skirt.
Regardless, I thanked him for noticing and continued with my set.
I didn't complain to management or anything, though I easily could've.

:)

[Edelia]

Avoid bad situations isn't possible, but don't let this stop you, going out of wonderful

[Krisi]

For the most part, avoiding bad situations is possible.

Remember that at least for right now, you are a woman, not a guy. Don't do things a woman wouldn't do. Don't go walking around after dark alone. Don't visit "bad" parts of town. Don't go to bars alone. Don't dress like a hooker (I can't stress that enough). If your wife or mother wouldn't do it, don't you do it either.

And of course, we have to define "bad situations". Getting raped or beat up is certainly a bad situation. Getting a dirty look or laughed at isn't so bad by comparison. Getting called "sir" when dressed is disappointing, but you will live through it.

[sweetdreams]

Hello Gwen.

I've been out several times and never a bad experience. I've walked the malls with no issues. You do need to be a little aware of the situation. I wouldn't go to a bar and stay very late. People start doing dumb things the more they drink, and the later you stay the more risk there is. You do need to be careful. Try to stay in public places. I'm very aware of what's going on around me if I'm walking to my car alone. Try to park in well lit, public places. If possible be with other people, there's security in numbers.

For me Halloween is a no-brainer. A great way to get out the door for the first time. Highly recommended.

[Genifer Teal]

No matter what someone says, I never talk back to them. I mean even if someone says something negative I'd rather ignore it then try to defend myself. It never ends well. You say something they say something it goes back and forth and keeps escalating. Anytime I hear of situation that got violent I've always asked how it happened and that's generally the story. I've got nothing to prove. I'd rather walk away safe than end up in a fight just to defend my honor. I used to go out every weekend in nyc till 4am (that's when things close here). Had a handful of dicey situations over a decade. Nothing got out of hand. For those few times it was worth the risk because they really were nothing just that they could have been something. I wouldn't trade all the fun for the worry. that would not have been worth it. Having a great attitude and personality also go a long way. I'm friendly and outgoing and that's very disarming. Best of luck to you as you find your way.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've had a few situations where I had some concern. I've been hit on a few times, but mostly it's been by drunks. I've always been in very public places or close to friends, so I didn't get too worried. One guy that hit on me was totally wasted. But he was with a group of friends who just dragged him away from me. I got hit on by a guy in a bar. I even had a wingwoman with me. I asked her why she didn't come to rescue me, and she said it was funny to watch me get out of the situation myself. One guy that hit on me appeared to be an admirer.

But, on the other side, I've had so many wonderful times. We usually meet at a hotel lounge, and there are often other groups there. Once there was a quinceanera, and the GG girls joined us for pictures. Once there was a girls travelling soccer team, and they joined us for karaoke and pictures. A group of four girls came of to me and asked me how I did that, pointing to my breasts. I told them that they were silicone forms, and I even popped them out for one of the girls to try on. Soon they were being passed around, and eventually, all four girls tried them on. Cameras came out, and pictures were taken. It was really wonderful talking girl talk with real GGs.

I also got hit on but a cute young GG. She wanted me to come to her place some time so she could do my makeup. She said that I had the same coloring as her.

Another time when I was with a group of CDs at a restaurant. I was flirting with the GG waitress, when she told me she was Bi. I told her than I should be her best friend. I could be a boy when she wanted a boy and a girl when she wanted a girl. I half jokingly told her to come crash the Keystone Gala Ball dance on Saturday night. I even gave her my phone number. I was surprised as all get out when she called me and asked me if I was really serious about the dance. I said sure, just make sure you come dressed. Everyone will be wearing evening gowns or cocktail dresses. Well she actually came. She stayed with me until the dance was over and the lights came back up. I ended up introducing her to a bunch of CD friends, and then I escorted her to her Lyft. When I got back, everyone wanted th full story. I basically told them that she was my date.

I guess to summarize, the good times have way outweighed the bad times.

But, learn to think like a girl. You're much more vulnerable than a guy.

[Janis]

I once went to a nail salon for a pedicure. When I selected bright pink nail polish, the girl giggled at me. She said, "But you're a man." I was so embarrassed, all I could do was was turn around an leave.

[Aunt Kelly]

Leaving was the right move, but not because of embarrassment. Any vendor who would treat a paying customer that way does not deserve your business.

[marika_jaye]

I once went to a nail salon for a pedicure. When I selected bright pink nail polish, the girl giggled at me. She said, "But you're a man." I was so embarrassed, all I could do was was turn around an leave.

I had a similar experience earlier this year, at a nail salon I hadn't been to before. I picked my polish (the brightest, pinkest pink they had) and headed for the pedi chair. When the tech saw the polish, she raised an eyebrow. Being a "no f**ks given" kind of person, I shrugged it off. By the time I left, both the "raised eyebrow" tech and the guy who actually put the polish on my toenails were complimenting me on how pretty my toes looked.

Confidence can be very disarming. Besides, is there a more manly color? LOL

[Alexis00]

Excluding parent stuff, which you are past, here are the worst things that have happened to me - which sound quite silly.

- one of my first times out en femme, had on a skirt and tights (have pretty nice legs) was catcalled by a group of guys. Was angry but decided to say nothing.
- Followed by a group of teenage boys in my car, apparently they found my boobs enchanting. Got separated at a light.
-Got stopped in a DUI road block while en femme. State Trooper couldn?t have cared much less but it was scary.

The WORST was I was walking down a city street, when not very good at passing. Two women walked by and one of them said, in a stage whisper, ?That?s a guy!? I blushed crimson red. Her friend looked at me and winked. But wound up going back to the car and going home.

[mylilsecret8]

My face isn't passable, even when I've had professional makeup session, so I often get read as a "man dressed feminine". I get a lot of stares, double looks and whispers which no longer upset me since very rare does anyone make rude comments or threaten my space. Male sales associates usually don't make eye contact or say anything but a few female sales associates might complement something I'm wearing or refer to me as Maam or Miss. I really only had a few uncomfortable experiences in the many years. One time 3 teenagers started yelling "that's a dude" and "why are you dressed like a girl" while walking through a parking lot at a strip mall. I walked into the first store (hair salon) I came to and was surprised they followed me in. The owner (60 year old man) told them to leave and told me I could wait as long as I needed and if they didn't leave he'd call the police.

One time I had a group of teens (boys and girls) make fun of me at the beach while I was wearing string bikini bottom. I just ignored them and after few minutes they gave up. The other time I went to a Mall Bar and Grill around 8 pm while wearing jeggings and high heels and low cut top with push up bra and taped cleavage (similar to my profile pic), no makeup, baseball style hat and the manager said I probably wouldn't be comfortable coming in. When I said I had no worries, he sternly said for me to go that my kind aren't welcome, so I left.

As others have said, pick a safe place for your first few times. Maybe start slow by just wearing unisex or just a single feminine item. Then as you feel more comfortable, add a little more. You'll be surprised how many people don't even notice.

[abby054]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head.

My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

[Brenn]

Worst thing that ever happened to me was some guy started videoing me with his cell phone at an outlet mall. I didn't really feel unsafe, but he creeped me out.

[Alexis00]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head. ?This is such great, smart advice!


My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

I got followed for a bit by some teenage girls near Faneuil Hall. A very well dressed woman walking the other way saw what was going on (and read me, I assume) and stopped them in their tracks. I was very grateful I wasn?t sure how to handle it.I’ve always been impressed by how kind some women are .

[Star01]

One more comment on this thread. My worst experiences so far have been in private in the form of non-acceptance resulting in DADT. I have not made it to the door dressed as a result. My bad experiences have all been in private so far.

[Aunt Kelly]

After following this thread for a while, it occurs to me that we are talking about various values of "bad", when it comes to "bad experiences". No one wants to experience a genuinely dangerous encounter, myself included. We can all agree that such things are universally regarded as "bad". Fortunately, given the observance of common sense guidelines for female safety, the odds of such occurrences fall to insignificance. On the other hand, I live for the opportunities to make those who are "uncomfortable" with us squirm. Most of the time, eye contact and a pleasant smile is all it takes to make them realize that they are the only one having a problem. The pattern of behavior at that point is remarkably consistent. First, they break eye contact, and look down. Then they'll look around, at others in the room, restaurant, lounge, whatever. It's like they're seeking validation for their hatred. Finding none (almost always), they'll just sulk.

But that's me. Many here are just like Star01, and have never been out anywhere. No one goes out the first time (or three) with full confidence, and that is perfectly understandable. But if the mere possibility of being read or laughed at is that "bad", why subject yourself to it? Yes, that's a rhetorical question, my point being that some introspection may be in order. If you want to be out, fine, but why? What are you willing to sacrifice in order to do that? The perception of dignity should probably be high on your list. You will almost certainly be clocked, maybe even laughed at. If you can not abide that from complete strangers, stay in the closet. If you are willing to take such a "risk", you're likely to find a new kind of dignity, the kind that comes from holding your head high while being the person you want to be, despite the occasional boorish response to your presence. If you are not prepared for that kind of "bad experience", avoiding it altogether is, as I've said, perfectly understandable.

[Alexis00]

Can’t say how many t8mes I made plans to go out, then stopped at the door!

One of the first times I was read on a street in Boston I was so unnerved turned around got in the car and went home. Takes a while to realize 1. You are going to be read and B. It doesn’t really matter.

[Star01]

Many here are just like Star01, and have never been out anywhere.

I am honored by the mention. I do go out in my dreams almost every night but am currently stuck in a no shopping no getting past the gatekeeper situation. My weight gain this past year is straining my ability to even get into the few things I have and my costume store wigs look like a dog found them and chewed them up. Shaving my body and underdressing discretely are a daily thing but that's as far as I dare to take it in spite of a worsening case of body dysphoria. On the inside I have gone as far as considering transitioning over the years but on the outside I'm a country bumpkin who would need a Queer Eye type intervention to be presentable.

I'm not depressed by my lot in life, just have a few more steps to take before I could even think about going out in public. The choice is a difficult one, risk blowing up a fifty year marriage or living in angst. It's really not as easy to resolve as some would suggest.

[joanna4]

I just get stares, never anything bad. No one bothers me in the restrooms besides complimenting my outfits

[Teresa]

Aunt Kelly,
All we can do is retell our encounters in the hope it will give others confidence . As far as we are concerned we must keep them straight and don't embellish them , BS is no use to anyone .

The fear of bad experiences mostly reside in our heads .

I would say many are like Star , the biggest obstacle and worse critic is the wife/partner , the fear of permanent damage to a marriage .

I admit the first time I went to my social group meeting I wasn't nervous at all despite never stepping out the door dressed to the nines because it was a dinner dance . After all those years and bouts of counselling it finally felt right . I'd never driven that distance before and met others in a hotel and certainly risked being out at 1.00am to drive home . Have I ever felt in danger or had a bad experience since ? The answer is NO , because you do what most GGs do and don't put yourself in that sort of situation .

I also don't do the male/female look , so having nails done or going to the dentist or optician whatever doesn't raise giggles or even worse hurtful comments , I go out as Teresa and get the respect for doing so .

[Julie Slowinski]

Apparently, I am atypical. I read the comments and see a lot of suggestions about stealth and blending, don?t talk to anyone or you will be clocked, and don?t go to bars by yourself. OMG, I am all about being noticed (why else am I trying to look fabulous), I love talking to anyone who will listen (always in my regular guy voice) and by myself in a bar is the best way to make new friends (always platonic). And, most of the ?bad experiences? cited are non-issues in my book - side eyes and double takes are par for the course. I?m with Aunt Kelly, if anyone starts getting all judgie, it only takes a solid unapologetic look in the eye to make them squirm and feel embarrassed. Being hit on by random creepers is also to be expected. It once happened to me 3 times in one day. On another occasion, a guy was asking for directions by having me look at his phone, just to show me a dck pic. Chasers are bold and we just need to accept that fact. I have also been known to take late night risks - walking around the city or taking the CTA train by myself after midnight. The only time I get concerned about safety is when there are no other people around - a desolate place is asking for trouble regardless of boy or girl mode.

I think the difference comes from the mentality that Dee advocates - I always assume I have been clocked by everyone almost immediately and the key is to just be okay with that. If everyone knows, then there is nothing to hide. Actually, there is empowerment in looking someone in the eye and saying with your eyes, smile and conversation that this is who I am and I need not apologize nor feel ashamed for being out in the world enjoying all it has to offer. Doesn?t mean I never feel self conscious (I definitely have had my moments where I wanted to be invisible), but summoning a bold self pride has been and continues to be my sword and shield. This really is the best advice I can give you Gwen - the only person who deserves to be embarrassed is the coward who tries to judge you for boldly being who you are. There is a bold goddess within you, you just need to figure out how to set her free. 🧚*♀️

[Alexis00]

Julie that is fantastic advice!

[Suranne]

A guy recently started calling out to me on the street. You know, lewd and suggestive things. It was the worst that had happend to me since I'd been out and, as I'd always prepared myself for the possibility of it happening then it wasn't the worst thing when it did. I think that's one piece of advice I would give, be prepared. Anyway I put my plan into action which was to continue walking, presenting the person with an ever diminishing target at which to aim their abuse. This is when I put the second part of my plan into action, which was, when I was a safe distance away, to turn around and take a picture on my phone. Just a quick snap, just enough that the person can be identified, but from far enough away that they can't be sure what you're doing. But this bit has to be done as safely as possible. Oh, and this is where matey had made his big mistake as he was at work, on the roads, patching the surface after roadworks. And there were signs everywhere, saying that "such and such company apologises for any inconvenience". They were a national company too, not a small, local firm, but one with loads of employees and a proper company structure, policies and a reputation to protect. This is where I put the next part of my plan in to action. I looked up the company on the internet and found the name of their Director of HR, the top person, the one on the board. I wrote them a letter, explaining what had happened. It's always best to send a letter as they have to send a letter back. It means that they have to do more work and it has more of a cost to them. I told the director that I had a picture. I got a reply asking to see the picture and was told that an investigation would be carrried out. I sent the picture. A couple of weeks later I got a letter back, saying sorry for what had happened to me and letting me know that the person involved no longer worked for the company.

I think that this experiece shows that having a plan is important, that staying safe is important, and that we have more power that we might think that we have. (UK only this nex bit). Certainly if you're trans and you make a declaration, even just to another person that it is your intention to transition, even though that transition is a journey and could take a very, very long time and be done in tiny steps, if you are on that journey, then you have a protected characteristic under the Equality Act and you may not be descriminated against.

This is why I am able to be the whole me in the workplace, including on client sites and this is why the company had to take action against their employee, because they couldn't not do so.

Also, more what I consider to be wise advice, don't go anywhere you wouldn't ordinarily go, do go anywhere where someone presenting as you wouldn't ordinarily go, there is safey in numbers and in public spaces, avoid drink and drinkers, and finally, own the place as you have every right to be there, as it says in Withnail and I "Show no fear!"

[Blonde617]

Years ago when I lived in the suburbs, went to a mall crossdressed one evening. Just walked around, didn't even go to any stores. Someone followed me out to my car, copied the license plate, and called the police to report a suspicious person 'Casing a bank."

The local police called me and asked me to come down to the station. I'd just gotten home so had to hurriedly clean off makeup and change.

The first words out of the officer's mouth were, "It's not illegal to crossdress." He explained the situation and I told him I wasn't a bank robber, just a crossdresser. That was the end of it.

[Barbara Jo]

I have been out and about as a female for a few years now..... to various stores, the local galleria mall, laundromat, etc ..... including to a major grocery supermarket .
All these places are on the other side of town from me and I feel at ease..

I never had a problem or issue... until recently at the grocery supermarket. Let me preface this by saying a few things .....
1) I always leave my male wallet and main keys in my car.
2) In my female purse I only carry some limited cash in my female wallet, a small change purse ..... and of course my car key.... along with some usual female things
3) I also always carry a spare car key in one of these small bra purses or in whatever.....like in a skirt pocket etc..... just in case. I could loose etc my purse but, still have a car key

Now.. for my recent problem..
It happened at the grocery supermarket
I always put my female purses in the shopping cart right after the handle where if you had a very small child they could sit there. You could pull the flap up and place you purse etc there This is what most females do there.

I don't know how I did it but I left the purse in the shopping cart after taking my car key out of it and loading the groceries in my car. I did not realizes it until I started to leave.
I had returned the shopping cart right by my car where only couple of other returned carts were. This was just off the parking lot and was evidently a designated place to return them .
I was so relieved and grateful when I returned that my purse was still in the shopping cart .
You can bet that I will never do that again. :)

So the moral is ... prepare for such things and always be mindful of what you do.
Also, as someone has said in this thread, "When in Rome do as the Romans do". :).

[Beverley Sims]

Just dress to look your best, and keep to yourself when shopping.

If you can get a friend to go with you that is a bonus.

Eventually you will gain confidence.

I have not had any bad challenges, I have been so lucky.

[Wen4cd]

I got called 'sir' today out shopping, and the lady turned red after it slipped out and I felt bad.
Meh, I actually get more creeped out ad being called ma'am or miss, especially when they load it with snark.

I was like....have a nice day!
I wasn't presenting masculine at all, but I am 6'4, lolz.
319156

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm not depressed by my lot in life, just have a few more steps to take before I could even think about going out in public. The choice is a difficult one, risk blowing up a fifty year marriage or living in angst. It's really not as easy to resolve as some would suggest.

Star

There's more than one way to go out. If DADT blocks you from going out the front door, go with plan B

Plan B: Put the clothes, makeup, forms and wig in a bag (I use a duffle bag), and find a quiet place away from the house to change. I've changed in open parking lots, in multi-level garages, in men's rooms and women's rooms in office buildings or hotels, and in the extra bedroom of friends'. If it's a public space, I do recon in advance. I bring a mirror with me to do makeup, and I watch my surroundings. It's not for everyone, but it's possible.

Just don't change in a retail store where you could be accused of shoplifting.

[MonicaPVD]

Steffi,

Good advice. Changing in a car is an art form, challenging but not impossible. The idea is to find a parking spot where your car will just fade into the environment. For example, a large packed retail parking lot or a multilevel parking garage. When there are dozens or hundreds of cars around, no one will even notice that there's activity inside one of those cars. The trick is to become comfortable with hiding in plain sight. It works!

Changing in a public restroom is a much trickier proposition. Office buildings may have low traffic restrooms where you could spend a considerable amount of time without drawing attention. Maybe. Who knows. Stay far away from restrooms at gas stations, retail stores or restaurants as they will tend to be high traffic. Anyone spending more than a few minutes in one of those restrooms will raise huge red flags with management about possible substance abuse or shoplifting. The last thing you need is some 19 year old assistant manager banging on the door, loudly demanding that you exit the bathroom while you are halfway dressed.

[Ressie]

Changing in your vehicle? I do this when I go out because I don't want neighbors to see an unusual girl pulling out of my driveway. I underdress before leaving the house so that at least half the work is done. Sweat pants are good because they can be removed easily and the bagginess can cover what's underneath.

Once I park somewhere I put on makeup with the help of a 10x mirror. Next, change whatever clothes that are left to change into - Insert breast forms, put on jewelry, wig and I'm ready to go.

Never tried putting on a dress while sitting in the car. Some skirts can be dressed under without getting wrinkled. Tops can be underdressed unless it's a hot summer day. Having bra exposed is the biggest risk, but that should only last for 30 seconds or less.

You're a girl now, isn't it great?

[Barbara Jo]

Ressie...

i do just as you said.... I found some great, large parking lots to do this .
.....except I do my makeup at home
I use minimal make up...... mainly some foundation and a little blush.... with subtle eye shadow. With my eye glasses on and a medical mask you really have to look hard to see anything. After I am fully dressed in my car, I will add some finishing touches to my make up.

Also, I add my breast forms at home. I cover this up with an over size T- shirt. I live an apartment complex. and I park my car right in front of my apt where I can see it.
I always try to leave when no one else are at their car.

BTW, tomorrow late morning I will be gong out shopping. I will underdress a sweater. However, I will be wearing a denim maxi skirt that I will have to put on in my car
However I love slips and will underdess a maxi slip. i have been getting really good at all this. :)

[MonicaPVD]

Pre-pandemic I could do a full in-car switch into Monica mode in 20 minutes. This included removing my drab outfit, putting on shape wear, breast plate, clothes, wig and makeup. The last few times that I have been out, it has taken considerably longer due to lack of practice. It actually would take me longer to revert to drab mode, as the makeup removal process has to be perfect, and then putting everything away is a whole other story.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Monica

You must be wonder woman or supergirl. Can you do it in a telephone booth also.

It takes me at least an hour to do that in my house (if my wife is not around). I could never do it in 20 minutes.

But I do have one more trick. Get totally dressed to go out from the neck down. Wear a jacket over the girly clothes, walk int the garage (mine is connected to the house), get in the car, hit the garage door opener and leave. Then do makeup and wig in a parking lot. If you put on the wig first, then you can take as long as you want doing the makeup. It's not unusual for a GG to do makeup in the car. And the neighbors ... They just see regular make you leaving the house.

[Ressie]

Good tips on changing in a vehicle. I like the idea of putting on the wig before applying makeup.

This little car I bought a year ago is great on gas but the interior lacks space. Changing was easier in the minivan I previously had.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Gwen,
You are getting great advice. My two cents. Hold your head up and don't look like a victim. Your greatest ally and best partner is your own fear. Be strong, this will be one of the most memorable events of your life. Mine was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life, I couldn't stop my hands from shaking for several minutes. Let us know how it went.
Brenda

[JocelynJames]

I know this is an old thread, but my only time out was terrifying and exhilarating. We started into one place and then it dawned on me it was REALLY LOCAL so we left and went to an Outback restaurant a few towns over. My wife ordered for me and although I was probably clocked, all was fine. I swore we?d go out last year after not going since October of 2015. Then came Covid-19 aaannnnnnnnndddd not so much. A few here have tried to lure me out.....I?m not sure. Although reading advice here a feel a confidence brewing. Guess it?s ?we?ll see? lots of luck to those venturing out!