Feelings of shame, embarrassment or guilt?

[Stiletto Gurl]

I?m in my early 50?s and my wife knows that if given a chance to transition from a CIS male to a female, I would. She knows that I like to wear certain feminine clothes in private and I often underdress in skimpy bikini underwear or thongs with pantyhose, however... I feel embarrassed to do it in front of her. At this point in my life there is no way I can medically transition, however I am slowly doing so in my appearance, and my mannerisms.
Has anyone else felt trapped and want to be more feminine in front of their spouse but feel bad for them or just maybe even a bit embarrassed thinking you have to appear as the strong male they fell in love with?

If this is the wrong forum for this I apologize. It?s not about cross dressing for me, it?s about wanting to be a woman full time.

Thank you

[Teresa]

The first question is how would like to dress in front of her , I can't think of any who would want to see you in a bikini or thongs . I assked my wife if I dressed in front of her how would she prefer me to look , simple answer , " It's not going to happen !"

I sense you need time and somewhere where you can gradually come to terms with how you look so I would suggest you find a social group where you can do it in comfort and gain confidence .

I've now been out full time for almost three years , no one knows me in my new home town in male mode , my wife finally bit the bullet and dropped in for a coffee before the lockdown , I wore black trousers ( female) , a blouse , cardigan , wedges and my normal makeup . She took one look and waved her arms in the air and said , " Horrible , I can't deal with it !" She did settle down and had a coffee and we also went through the divorce papers and signed what was necessary . How did I feel ? I hardly reacted , I didn't feel guilty or ashamed , at some point you have to let the idea of being the strong male go , it doesn't mean you have lost the ability to do the jobs you once did , you can still do all that if permitted to do so .

My wife now regrets how she handled the situation , she's started telling me how much she loved me and how much she misses me , I'm not sure if she could live with me as Teresa but she has definitely changed her attitude . Sadly it's too late the divorce is now final and my wounds are healing , I'd never go back to that lifestyle again , I've made my choices and I'm happy with them .

[Cheryl T]

When my wife first discovered me and I dressed for her it was nerve wracking.
For the longest time I was unable to go from male to female in front of her. It was not because of her, it was because of me. There was a fear of what she would think.
Now it's as natural as anything else. I feel it just takes time to become accustomed to it.

[Katya@]

It is very tricky to dress in front of your spouse, especially initially. I noticed that my partner had mixed feelings. One, is to see her partner being feminine - something that she felt was only reserved for her in the relationship and I am the strong, masculine in our relationship. Second, women are also conscious on how that makes them look like when you start to compete for that spot in the relationship. It is not uncommon sometimes for a husband to look more feminine in some clothes than for his wife, especially, if husband is in a better physical form. Early on before my transition, I recall my partner would not hang my panties / bras on the drying rack, and ask me to do it after our clothes were washed together. Then, when I started to transition, I recall I went on Amazon to purchase new women's panties, as I only had guy's boxers at this point. When I picked some, I showed her and they were just colorful women briefs. She wasn't too thrilled, and they looked a bit like some she wears, and asked me to search for mens briefs instead, that look a bit different. I did ended up buying a bunch of them, and actually still wear them, and it doesn't bother me because all my other clothes are all women's at this point (opposite from underdressing days). Plus. I have to admit, without any bottom surgeries, mens briefs are more comfortable.
The bottom line - take clues from your partner. Don't over do it, and be flexible.

[Jillian Faith]

I think it is quite normal to feel some combination of shame and/or embarrassment when initially dressing in front of your SO. I know for myself it was easier to present fully female at first rather than her witness any part of my transformation. I can remember being appalled and extremely embarrassed the first time she saw me tucking myself to create a smooth front in my panties. Over time I became more comfortable with her seeing any part of my transformation. Now many years later I fully enjoy doing our makeup together especially if we are going out.

[Teresa]

Katya,
I had to think about your point on a wife thinking we compete with them . My wife accused me of that when I cooked the Xmas meal for my daughter and her family as Teresa , she invited herself on the basis I was in male mode but I refused as it was in my home and it was the first time I'd had the privilege of doing so . In my mind it wasn't to compete with anyone it was just a very special moment for me and my daughter .

[Lisalove1976]

Well you just summed up my life, many therapy sessions that I have had trying to deal with that issue...
My wife knows and accepts to a certain point but she doesn't want to partake in any of it so I feel SUPER GUILTY if I take time for myself

SO I don't.

[Eemz]

When you say you're embarrassed or hesitant to dress in front of her, is that because she doesn't want it? Or is it internal to you? Similar to when you say you have to appear as the strong male they fell in love with; do you know that or are you assuming? I just think it's important because it might help people to give relevant advice.

[OCCarly]

I was 53 when I got diagnosed and started hormones. Which leaves me wondering why you think you cannot medically transition?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Honestly, my wife never wants to see me en femme. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But, at least I don't have to worry about feelings of shame, embarrassment or guilt.

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I'm sorry to read you comments , after having therapy you should feel more comfortable with taking some time for yourself , everyone needs it , it's not something to feel guilty about . My situation became worse and worse because I was trying to please everyone else and bury my own problems , eventually something had to give and it was my mental state . I ceased to function which was no use to me or anyone else , digging yourself out from that depressive hole takes far more effort then falling into it .

[GaleWarning]

The items of clthing you mention can all be worn 'underdressed', so that your wife need not be confronted with them, even if she is aware that you are wearing them SG. So, why not do just that to test the waters? Or are you already doing this? Your post is not clear on this point.

As for feelings of embarrassment, these are natural, but should disappear if your underdressing becomes the norm whilst at home.

Later, you could add more obvious items of clothing, such as a ladies' top and jeans, then a skirt, then ... (you get the idea).

Take it slowly, talk to your wife, be guided by her levels of comfort.

Eventually, you and she might reach a level of comfort and mutual understanding, at which point you might raise the question of transitioning.

On the other hand, your marriage might fail.

Good luck!

[JeanTG]

I have a totally non-accepting wife. It's tough, it's all I can say.

[kimdl93]

Its soup to nuts as far as the range of reactions wives may have to their partner dressing. My ex said the image was burned in her brain...and that was not a good thing. (Sad, cause I thought I was presenting rather well!) Other wives may be initially shocked but gradually accommodate or even embrace it. I am unaware of any way to predict the outcome.

What I can say is that your fear or shame is not predictive of how your wife might respond. The only way to find that out is to talk with her, and if she is willing, to experiment. Given your expressed desire/need, I think that conversation is long overdue.