Had a postal mare

[CharlotteCD]

In short:


Wife accidentally discovered last year that I have an eating disorder and that I had a stash of womens clothes.
I was honest and said that yes I wear them, but hadn't been (which is true - I hadn't been for a couple of months and figured it was one of those phases where it goes away for a bit)
She said that I didn't have to throw things away - literally all she said about the clothes themselves.
I was totally ashamed and embarrassed, and threw everything away at the next opportunity.
It's not been discussed since then.


Relationship stayed strong, if not stronger than ever now.

Fast forward to this week:


I bought some underwear recently, and get a notification that my post is lost, and I was being refunded. Ok, move on. If it turns up it turns up.
It's then my anniversary, cotton, and I was bought some cotton boxers with a message sewn in as a jokey gift.
In the same pile of post they came in were a number of other packages for my wife, and I had said they were all for her
My wife calls down the stairs that "I've opened something addressed to you"
I walk half way up the stairs, stating I wasn't expecting anything, then realise what it is.
The knickers were well packaged and not obvious, but had a description and size 12-14 on the outside - my wife is a size 8.
Take the package, don't say anything, couldn't even look my wife in the eye.



Roll on to today, and my wife says "Have you tried on those boxers yet, do they fit?", I reply " No, not yet", and with a smirky smile on her face says "How about the lacey knickers - assuming they're for you and you're not having an affair with a size 12-14 woman", embarrassed again I just said "No" as No, I haven't tried them on and no, i'm not having an affair.

EDIT: My wife commented about a month ago that there were long black hairs around the house (she's blonde), and jokingly said "I was wondering if you'd had a woman around", which I responded with "Probably getting walked in from builders and decorators, I don't have time to have an affair" - obviously with COVID and a baby we're home 24/7, and i'm working from home anyway so she was definitely saying it as a joke.

We didn't say anything more on it, and I went back to looking after our baby, she went back to the ironing, and then the conversation continued as per normal topics.


I'm really unsure of how things are for my dressing now. She's seemingly not bothered by this and realises it's just my kink - we've made the decision to have a child together since this was first exposed, so she's clearly committed to our relationship.

Her chilled and jokey response says to me that she wouldn't have any concerns if I started to keep Charlotte's clothes in my wardrobe and more on display (trousers etc rather than underwear), as she's aware of my dressing and not seeing it as a problem - she never goes in my wardrobe anyway. I'm certainly not going to push it and start wearing leggings etc around the house - I simply want to be able to dress as Charlotte just as I would normally.



Anybody had a similar reaction from their wife, or got any insight into what she may be thinking? I obviously want her to be 100% happy and if I need to address anything then I will, but as it stands I haven't seen anything to concern me, and i'm hyper vigilant right now.



(I know that you can't answer this for me, and the answer is to talk to her, but I don't feel confident enough to do that right now - more likely to be ready for this in a few weeks when Christmas etc are over, baby is a bit older and less stressful etc. I can't add more to her plate right now.)

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
I only risked the odd item through the post that's why I used Xmas and Valentines day as an excuse to buy underwear until I became more confident . Hiding stuff is a real problem , there's always the fear it will be discovered , lets face it most women are inquisitive , they usually know more than they let on to .

Some days I didn't know how to handle the comments , were they suppose to be said in fun or sarcasm ? If you pushed it you soon found out !

Purging doesn't stop the need as you've discovered , shame and guilt are to be expected it takes time to realise it's OK to dress , at some point you need to find out what drives it so you can explain it to yourself and possibly your wife .

[CharlotteCD]

Hi Teresa, thanks for the response.

As to what drives me, I believe I figured that out in the past year - I consider myself to be transgender at the lower end of the severity scale. Mentally I have always believed I should have been born female, and if given the opportunity I would have started that process in my pre-teen years.

I have however accepted that at 6ft 5 I will not pass, I will not be accepted by my loving but not understanding family, I will damage the family unit I've wanted for some time, and I do not have thick enough skin to transition.

As part of that, I have accepted that I have to live a male life, and have built a very good life for myself and my family. It is what it is.

[jenabrooks]

Sounds like you have a wife that doesn?t mind that's great you have a very loving wife. She loves you for who you are.

[char GG]

Anybody had a similar reaction from their wife, or got any insight into what she may be thinking?

Your OP is full of indications that she knows what is going on. Clothes? hair? underwear that isn't her size? It sounds like she knows exactly what you are doing. It may be time to have a "talk" and be very honest. With your "beating around the bush" answers to her will not be helpful. It may help to clear the air so you won't have to sneak around and make silly excuses about something she seems to already know.

Just my opinion, but if you continue to deny to her the obvious signs, she may get angry about the deception rather than the CDing.

[CharlotteCD]

Your OP is full of indications that she knows what is going on. Clothes? hair? underwear that isn't her size? It sounds like she knows exactly what you are doing. It may be time to have a "talk" and be very honest. With your "beating around the bush" answers to her will not be helpful. It may help to clear the air so you won't have to sneak around and make silly excuses about something she seems to already know.

My my opinion, but if you continue to deny to her the obvious signs, she may get angry about the deception rather than the CDing.

I've never lied to her - she asked me a year ago if I wore the clothes, and I said that yes, I was. She said I could keep things if I needed to, I said no at the time due to the shame, and we haven't discussed since.

[Stevie Allyn]

I also think your wife suspects or knows. If you can be honest with her about what happened to your previous clothes and why, and also talk about the new panties and your need to buy them ... you could end up as one of the lucky ones who has a fully accepting wife.

Whatever route you decide on I wish you and your wife all the best :love:

[Di]

You wife seems to understand and she definitely is not clueless.

Just be honest with her and yourself.

You said ///-got any insight into what she may be thinking? I obviously want her to be 100% happy and if I need to address anything then I will, but as it stands I haven't seen anything to concern me, and i'm hyper vigilant right now.///

Ask her what she is thinking ....tell her you want her to be 100 percent happy ....tell her you have this need to wear the undies, or dress ect ....the hyper vigilant comment .... does that mean in hiding things?
I hope not......here you seem to have a very understanding wife who loves you and it sounds like you are hiding and playing games. Please stop with the shame you feel ......you are doing nothing wrong except being honest with yourself and wife. I know you said you never lied ...that is good just do not hide things either.

As a GG I am telling you....the hiding is what gets old. Many wifes have said it was feeling like what next? What are they doing that I do not know about? And their mind can go all kinds of places.
Hope I am wrong in how I read it and wish your lovely family all the best.

ADD ...if you talk ....tell her you are unsure and this is what you feel you need . Keep her in the loop and grow together. Best Wishes

[Geena75]

You sound a little like me. I'm not sure what my wife knows or doesn't know (I was 'caught' in the past week, and she hasn't breached the subject since -- see my thread 'curiosity and fear'). It doesn't sound like you are very sure where you would like this to go from here. On one hand you are resigned to the private and closeted level, but on the other you seem to feel 'mis-gendered,' and are, perhaps, afraid of going too far into it. It sounds like the greatest thorn in your side is the shame and guilt you feel. Maybe you should breach the subject with the wife on the "would it bother you if I wore those knickers when you aren't around?" line of thought. It may be that she wouldn't have a problem with it. Be aware of the possibility that she could be dead set against it. I've said before, I would not trade my relationship with my wife for this hobby, period. You have indicated that you feel the same. Whatever you do, find a way to deal with the shame and guilt or it can eat away at you and your family.

Best wishes.
Geena

[Stephanie47]

Charlotte, from the history of the little tell tale signs it strongly suggests your wife is aware of your "kink." Stray hairs from a wig, knickers, admission of having women's clothing is a total giveaway. I'd say you're very fortunate NOT to have a wife who went into ranting and raving and jumping to all sorts of conclusions. Having been on this site for so many years I wonder if you thought the hardships other have endured having "The Talk" has made you shy away from having your own talk. If I were to make a wager I'd bet your wife knows you well enough to come to the conclusion this "kink" is not threatening her marriage.

Not being a woman, and, obviously not being your wife we really do not know what, if anything, would make your wife go from seemingly accepting to totally non accepting.

You answered your own question as to whether or not to have that "Talk." She knows. I think you would benefit from some sort of positive affirmation of acceptance of who you are. Getting past the "shame" and "self loathing" you may be experiencing is necessary for good mental health. Having "The Talk" does not mean you go from being in the closest to cooking dinner en femme.

Frankly, it sounds as if your wife is waiting for you to approach the subject and get the monkey off your back.

[jenabrooks]

Well said.

[Amelia_Rose]

I would echo what others have said here. It's pretty clear your wife knows what's going on, and is ok with it. Her joking attitude seems, to me at least, her attempt at trying to help you relax about it and open up. I would say it's time to sit down and lay the cards on the table. And there's nothing wrong with feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or unsure of what you want going forward. Be open about your experiences and desires, and if you don't know how you want to fit this side of yourself into the marriage, say so. I certainly didn't know exactly what it was going to look like between me and my wife, or what I wanted in terms of how we would interact while I am Amelia, and explained as much. We're still learning as we go, but the important thing is that there is no secret. Whatever else you take away from this, let that be the key. Hiding this will not do either of you any good, and the longer you delay the more I would worry that she will start to wonder if there isn't some sort of affair or similar going on. Trust her, and trust yourself.

[Laura912]

The absolutely best advice you will get are from Char and Di above.

[CharlotteCD]

Thanks again for all of the responses.

There have been numerous comments that if I don't share then my wife may feel like I'm hiding and deceiving her.

Is it not possible that having seen how embarrassed I was when she asked me about trying the underwear on, she may just seen it as me bring too embarrassed to talk and she's going to just leave me to deal with it in my own terms?

[Liz Jones]

Hi,
A bottle of good wine, two glasses, comfy setee, baby asleep -fill the glasses &GENTLY broach the subject. Take it slow, you will get questions --lots of them-- both from your good Lady &--yourself! the thing they seem to fear is you transitioning--took a while to assure my good Lady --no way! Keep doing "man things"(i do so in both drab &dressed) seems to be reasuring. Thing is you seem to have a good understanding wife/partner, --as you will see on here they are worth their weight in gold......
Liz

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
It might happen for a while but believe me she hasn't forgotten , most wives would be chewing it over and possibly waiting for the next time something happens . I would think much of your embarrassment comes from knowing you're doing things the majority of men wouldn't do , try and look at from a different angle and see that it possibly makes you a better husband and father . Eventually not accepting yourself can cause problems , maybe try and be honest with yourself and your wife now so you can deal with it together . Possibly try and avoid my circumsatnces where I divorced after 45 years because of my TG issue , we didn't talk when we should have done !!

[Dutchess]

Is it not possible that having seen how embarrassed I was when she asked me about trying the underwear on, she may just seen it as me bring too embarrassed to talk and she's going to just leave me to deal with it in my own terms?

Oh I am sure its possible yes , but like Stephanie said she may also be waiting for you to start the conversation .
the best way to handle this would be to go ahead and have the talk . She may actually be afraid of what you might say and in this case , after what you'e told us , the talk might be very reassuring for her as well as taking alot of weight off your shoulders .
As a GG with all those clues I would certainly know and may be afraid of what you might do or be thinking etc

[docrobbysherry]

Charlotte, it sounds like u have serious self issues with your dressing. Your SO isn't the problem, u r!:straightface:

[AngelaYVR]

It’s well known that husbands hate it when they feel they have to interpret their wives noises and subtle clues to figure out what is really going on. Don’t be the one expecting your partner to decode your moods, talk to her already.

[Pumped]

Charlette, time to sit her down and talk. she knows, may as well spill it. She certainly seems accepting. You never know, she may fully accept and you two can have "girl's nights" together!

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Charlotte...

Quite honestly it sounds as if you know what you want to do - re: discussing with the missus - and already have plans on when to consider going ahead with them.

Sounds as if you know what you want: "I simply want to be able to dress as Charlotte just as I would normally" and perhaps with little embarrassment, yes? Your wife's awareness of your dressing combined with her willingness to give you the space to tend to it and discuss it at your pace are rather encouraging signs of acceptance at least on a basic level. That's a good thing!
Even with your solid reasoning to postpone further discussion, the longer you choose to wait means you simply must carry this angst until the timing is more favourable. Whether you wait or chat with her sooner it feels as if you are on a good path to progress.

Hang in there!

[KymG]

What is she thinking? Thats the million dollar question.
I would suggest talk to her when you feel ready to do so, unless you feel there is a rush in which case ask her if she wants to discuss it. Any questions etc.
Put the ball in her court.

[Meghan4now]

My take is that she probably does want to know what's going on. Like any of us, the unknown is probably driving some anxiety. The ball is squarely in your court. She provided you with a number of openings. If and when it's too much, she'll let you know that too. There is never a perfect moment, so the present is the best time.

[Just Dana]

Hi Charlotte,

As everyone says, she knows. I think I would ask her if she wants to know more or if she'd prefer things to remain as they are. That way, she could stop you if she really doesn't want to know anything about it.

I agree with some of the other posters that she's been giving you openings. Take advantage. Obviously, you'd already know if she saw this as a dealbreaker.

That said, I'm probably a lot like you and understand how much easier this is said than done!

Hugs,
Dana

[CharlotteCD]

We've had the talk now. I explained how much I'm struggling with my mental and physical health, and as we discussed the things happening in my life she couldn't bring herself to say it, but said we need to discuss "that other thing".

In short, she's angry at herself for sweeping it under the rug last year when she found out, and admitted that she's thought about it on and off in the time since. She's annoyed that I didn't tell her before we married. She doesn't want to see me dressed (That wasn't out of the blue - I said I wouldn't want to dress in front of her, she agreed).

Figured it must be happening and that's why I ask about timings for her going out and coming back.

I was totally honest. I'm not gay, I'm not going to look for something outside of our marriage, I'm not going to have a sex change etc.

I tried to explain that I don't actually know how to explain it, that it's likely endorphins that make me feel good, that it's escapism and freedom, that it's calming and a stress reliever etc. We discussed where I sit on the trans spectrum.

I think she appreciates how it was near impossible for me to tell her because of societal and family conditioning - my parents have always reinforced that trans and gay are abnormal, which was likely their well intentioned but misplaced efforts to guide me down the "right path".

It's too soon for any further discussions as to if she wants me to bin all of the clothes and try to ignore those urges (I think she gets that it doesn't go away), or that she'll accept me having clothes in my wardrobe rather than hidden, or that we can agree time where I can be Charlotte.

I just hope that she's as understanding as she appeared on the face of things, as I don't want to say goodbye to her, our child, our life etc - we're truly happy, and it would be awful if it ended over this.

[Stevie Allyn]

Charlotte,

I think being honest with your wife was the best thing to do. Now you know she has been thinking about it, and likely worrying about possibilities you have now told her aren't going to happen.

Hopefully this is a step on the path to your wife becoming more understanding and even accepting.

I wish you both all the best.

Love and hugs to you both,

Stevie

[April Rose]

You talked to her and she didn't freak out. There is a lesson there for you going forward. it sounds like you have a level headed and perceptive wife. It will pay you dividends to be honest with her in the future, in terms of your own health and the health of your relationship.

[Vickie_CDTV]

First and foremost, you need to get your eating disorder addressed. Eating disorders have a high fatality rate, and if they don't kill they can leave you crippled and in pain for the rest of your life (my mother was anorexic and if I described what I saw happen to her to would make everyone reading it sick.) You have a child, you owe it to them to get it addressed and to save your life.

Your wife fully knows about your dressing and is struggling inside to be supportive, despite how she may feel about it (if she is like other wives, she isn't thrilled about it.) You will have to have a discussion about it eventually. Do it before having another child or creating other permanent entanglements in case things go bad.

[Pumped]

Charlette, good for you and your wife that she is accepting.

My wife was far from accepting at first. It took months of talk before she figured she changed her mind, but like your wife she didn't want to see me dressed. I dressed when she was out, or when I was on the road over night. One day we talked and I told her if it was ok with her is she would "accidentally" see me dressed. In other wards, dress when I wanted, and not worry about her coming home. I also would dress for a short time after she went to bed. That was good for some time. She would come home and I would change back to guy stuff. Before long she got more relaxed and would tell me to stay dressed if I like and that has evolved into dressing when ever I like.

So there is hope that she will open up more. Keep talking to her, don't push it, but keep the subject open.

[CharlotteCD]

I think that we're all talked out at the moment. She didn't do much talking about the subject, but using the information on here (The SO's acceptance thread in particular) I think I probably covered pretty every element that she may have had questions about.

From my perspective, I think i've confirmed my commitment to the relationship, that ultimately she sets the boundaries and it's up to her to follow up with anything further.

We've still been physical today, with kissing and cuddling, i've asked a bunch of times if she's OK, she's done likewise, and I *think* things are OK.

Let's just see where things are once she's processed this.

EDIT: One thing she's not questioned yet is the cost of the clothing etc. Other than the wig, everything is sub ?10 and purchased in clearance sales. I'd like to think this won't be an issue if it's brought up.

[c2candice]

Hi Charlotte, following up on this. Wish you the best of luck with your wife.

This dressing thing seems to be a conflict with wives no matter how accepting they want to be. It’s always going to be something that they don’t understand. As much as we try to explain in a honest way. I think that needs to be clear to both of you. Just continue as you are with mutual respect and honesty and it will guide you!

For me, being honest with myself is the hardest part ;)

[GretchenJ]

We've had the talk now. I explained how much I'm struggling with my mental and physical health, and as we discussed the things happening in my life she couldn't bring herself to say it, but said we need to discuss "that other thing".


Figured it must be happening and that's why I ask about timings for her going out and coming back.

I was totally honest. I'm not gay, I'm not going to look for something outside of our marriage, I'm not going to have a sex change etc.

I tried to explain that I don't actually know how to explain it, that it's likely endorphins that make me feel good, that it's escapism and freedom, that it's calming and a stress reliever etc. We discussed where I sit on the trans spectrum.

I think she appreciates how it was near impossible for me to tell her because of societal and family conditioning - my parents have always reinforced that trans and gay are abnormal, which was likely their well intentioned but misplaced efforts to guide me down the "right path".

It's too soon for any further discussions as to if she wants me to bin all of the clothes and try to ignore those urges (I think she gets that it doesn't go away), or that she'll accept me having clothes in my wardrobe rather than hidden, or that we can agree time where I can be Charlotte.

I just hope that she's as understanding as she appeared on the face of things, as I don't want to say goodbye to her, our child, our life etc - we're truly happy, and it would be awful if it ended over this.

If I didn't know better Charlotte, I would swear you were reading my diary.

You are in the same position I was in April 2018, when after 20+ years of marriage and hiding my "secondary life", my wife finally wound an article of clothing that was hidden, looking back on it, I did not not hide it that well perhaps subconsciously hoping I would be found out.

The first couple of weeks were much discussion, tears from both of us, some yelling, but mostly honest communication. She was most angry with the fact that she did not know me as she thought she did, was angry with the deception and rightfully so. She also asked why I didn't mention before we got married, and honestly I thought it was the occasional fetish behavior and was not as prevalent as it was now. Also as you stated, I do not dislike my male side and did not want to lose not only my love and also my best friend. A short time later, she said she felt bad for me not telling her earlier for all the time I wasted.

At the beginning, she told me to get rid of everything, which I did without any hesitation due to my perceived betrayal, but a week a two later, she came to me and told me that she was wrong and told me to spend whatever was needed to rebuild my wardrobe. My female items are now in the same closet and my male items, in plain site - no more secrets.. it is so free and uplifting.

You are so right in the feeling of calm, affirming , and being ones true self, that it makes you feel complete. The only downside is that my child is not at all accepting so for the sake of him, it is DADT, but my wife is totally accepting and has no issues seeing me dressed.

The only thing to add is to keep the communication open with your wife, so as to determine her boundaries and what her needs are to be ok with this, but it sounds like you are off to a great start. I don't know all of the answers but please free to reach out via PM as it appears we are somewhat of kindred spirits!

Gretchen

[Natalie5004]

I feel where you are.
Here is a bigger question. Yes most of us are married and love our wives. Most of us are not trans but just straight men that do get some type of release dressing.

Why do our wives have some much sway with us? Why do we bend over backwards for some type of approval or acceptance? Can't we just say that we like it and we will dress at home if we want? Who wears the pants around here?

[CharlotteCD]

For me, I wouldn't do that because it's not what my wife signed up for.

When we met, she fell for and married a person who dressed in the clothes she found attractive. It was part of my appeal to her.

I fell for her in part because of her style. If she now decided that she wanted to shave her head a mohawk, get loads of piercings and face tattoos, I'd naturally be upset.

[Jane G]

Charlotte, I think I understand your position very well. All I will say now is I have had a very good life with my wife and family and would not change it for any thing. There have been arguments about my crossdressing, but ultimately I choose my family and the career to support them, over the strong urge I had as a younger me to transition. My physical size was part of that. Good luck, ultimately only you and your family can decide how it goes.

[CharlotteCD]

Hi Jane - I think we're very similar here. I don't want to hurt my family, and it would be so damaging if I were to transition. It would also be as or more damaging for me to transition as somebody who is 6ft5 with size 12 feet - I'll always stand out, and my anxiety will tell me that people are making fun of me. I have so much respect for those that are able to take that step.

[DianeT]

Why do our wives have some much sway with us? Why do we bend over backwards for some type of approval or acceptance? Can't we just say that we like it and we will dress at home if we want? Who wears the pants around here?
Or who wears the panties?
Respecting your wife's feelings isn't bending over backwards, it seems more like investing in your couple so it has a chance to last, like Charlotte obviously wants it to. It is sad that in another thread you expressed disappointment from having your wife home for the holidays because it got in the way of your dressing. You are prioritizing the dressing over your wife and we all know how this ends.

[Natalie5004]

Sorry for sounding too flip about my response. At times I think I am funny but it does not come out that way. Again, I am sorry.

But the question is still there. Wives have a huge roll to play in our CD lifestyle. I really do wish mine would help me look passable. So, my previous comments are mostly about me and not anyone else.

Sorry Natalie.

[Pumped]

I feel where you are.
Here is a bigger question. Yes most of us are married and love our wives. Most of us are not trans but just straight men that do get some type of release dressing.

Why do our wives have some much sway with us? Why do we bend over backwards for some type of approval or acceptance? Can't we just say that we like it and we will dress at home if we want? Who wears the pants around here?

How would you feel if your wife got a pink mohawk and pierced every part of her body that she could, then tattooed the parts she couldn't, after all, it is her body, her decision, really doesn't affect you.

Like others said, it is about respecting your spouse's feelings. You married her, you became part of the team. If one or both of you just goes and does something without considering the others feelings you are not a team any longer. I suspect that is what has happened to some of the more radical, divorced CD'ers here.

Some guys thing they are asking for permission when that have to "ask" their wife. I call it consideration. There are times I have just flat out told my wife I was going to do something, but it wasn't a life altering decision either, or it was the best thing to do at the time.

I worked with a guy for a few years and one day sold him something and dropped it off at his garage. He looked at me and asked if he could pay me the next day, then got a funny look on his face, looked and me and asked, "I can trust you, correct?" then opened a cabinet in the garage, dug out some stuff and pulled out a plastic coffee can. He opened it up, pulled out a wad of hundred dollar bills and handed m a couple, and put everything back. I asked him how much money he had in there, about $5,000 he said, and his wife didn't know about it. He told me he would cash his paycheck, then deposit all but $100 every week and that was his mad money. If he sold something, or did some repairs for someone, it was cash, and it all went into the can. This been going on for years and went on for a few more years. He had a project car he was working on and sold it for $20,000. When I heard about it I mentioned the coffee can must be getting full and he said he had added a second one.

I could go on about him and his wife with other stories on both sides, but anyway, after all that, he got divorced last summer and can't figure out why. I know why, they were not a team. He did what he wanted, and she did what she wanted. I tried to explain that to him and he didn't get it.