Christmas Day Dilemma .

[Teresa]

I'm sure Christmas this year is to many a little complicated , who are we allowed to spend it with during the Covid-19 restrictions ?

I live alone now and would be happy to spend Xmas day alone if I had to to stay safe so I could look forward to a better 2021 when the vaccine is widely available .

My ex-wife is cooking the meal for my my daughter and family , initially she told me I wasn't invited as Teresa or otherwise . My mother never knows how many will turn up on the day but she has invited me to join her and my sister and her family , obviously still trying to stick to the rules .

Now my dilemma , my ex-wife has changed her mind so I can join them but only in male mode , my mother has gone out of her way to tell everyone she has invited me as Teresa ( or Terri to her ) and gone as far as telling my sister she doesn't want any awkwardness !

My gut feeling is I should bite the bullet and join my family with my ex-wife but my mother deserves my support for going out on a limb with her acceptance and support for me .

I have kindly thanked my mother for her offer and made it clear I'm not going to break the lockdown rules when we are so close to getting the vaccine , she totally agreed . She also admmitted she is very concerned about Christmas and the virus situation this years which is understandable at 91 . So she will understand if I don't accept her offer but then I'm not sure if I want to spend the day with my ex-wife .

[char GG]

If I were you, I would just stay home and visit everyone later.

[GwenHerself]

That is a tricky situation. Do you get to see your daughter often? What about your sister and mother? Does your sister not approve of Terri?

[Pumped]

First choice, stay home. Second choice go see your mom. If your wife will not invite Theresa, don't go, period.

[Teresa]

Char,
It did cross my mind but in what guise ?

Gwen,
I have met my mother three times now including today , I' ve been out many times with my daughter . My sister hasn't met me yet and simply says she doesn't understand but she is tricky to deal with at times .

Pumped ,
I get that but then it also means I won't see my daughter and family over Xmas .

It looks like I'll be drawing staws out of a hat .

[CarlaWestin]

Almost jumped pass this thread but, I had just mentioned to my email group that when wife and I moved to Las Vegas, we decided to start our own traditions.
We get a dozen tamales for xmas eve, we don't exchange expensive gifts and we shy away from the standard turkey thing. It's wonderful, special and unique to us.
So Teresa, this is a different time with all the overbearing restrictions but, other than that, maybe think of new traditions just for the new you. I know that family is paramount but,
maybe drastic change would be better suited when the world get the ?demic out of it's system.
As far as your current dilemma IMHO, Ex and kids go crossdressed as a male.
Always honour your mother. She the first woman in your life.
At 91 there's a special respect which transcends anything else in your life.

[Di]

Maybe it is not as bad there ( covid) as here . But seriously they have no business having an Xmas dinner with people that do not live in the house.
I would say thanks but no thanks there is a world wide pandemic. Visit, have Xmas over zoom.

And if she still will not accept who you are...why bother. You are doing the sensible thing with your mom and she accepts you .
Stay home, visit over zoom

[Teresa]

Di,
It's a tough call , some people think our lockdowns are OTT , the situation is a little inconsistent .
On the 23rd , I will have to job of picking up cured hams from a village butcher , I then spend the day taking them to my family , which gives me the opportunity to see my son and grandsons and give them their Xmas gifts . I'm beating myself over the rights and wrongs of this trip , on the one hand I will be accused of not caring about the family and the other am I being stupid to ignore the rules ? Bearing in mind they vary from one county to the next.

As for the size of the party , it hasn't been finalised yet , if it's over 6 the rules at the moment say we can't go over that number but it could be more or possibly less depending on the infection rate nearer the time .

Carla,
I love tradition , I got a huge kick out of cooking the Xmas meal for my daughter and her family the first year i moved into my new home .

[Debra Russell]

Teresa, just be your self ..... go as Teresa do what you feel is right with your soul - they will all see and know who you really are.....................Debra

[docrobbysherry]

Teresa, no offense but after reading your replies it appears you've already made up your mind!:heehee:

In your situation I would stay home. But, if it were me? I have no problems presenting as Robert!:devil:

Whatever u do? Happy Xmas!:hugs:

[Amy Lynn3]

I can only tell you what I would do and have many times at Christmas. I stay home or meet a friend for lunch. This year we are dealing with Covid regulations, so if you met a friend follow guidelines. That way neither family will become upset with your presents.

To bring up an old saying: They are not called an ex for nothing. Make arrangements to meet your children at another time to exchange presents.

[GaleWarning]

Teresa, can you not dress androgynistically?
Underdress, jeans, t-shirt, Christmas jumper, trainers ... skip the wig and the make-up.
I think it is important to join the family at your ex-wife's place.
It's her home, so you should respect her rules, but you can certainly bend them!
Hope, Peace, Joy, Love ...
Quality family time.

[char GG]

Char,
It did cross my mind but in what guise ?

Under the guise of Covid.

Same as what Di said; the Covid situation in our state is too high to risk meeting anyone person.

We have son that lives alone and is Type I diabetic. We are going to meet him a parking lot to exchange gifts. There is no way I would want to expose him to Covid, he already is exposed enough at his job.

We will meet with our daughter and her family maybe in another month or so, usually we meet at a zoo (again outside). It's not the way I want it, it's sad, but hopefully next year will be better.

Anyway, you call the shots. Choose what is best for you. You were invited to two places, so it's up to you. But that's what happens in any situation where the people live in separate homes.

[Shelly Preston]

Teresa

I understand your dilemma.

I will say one thing if you choose to go in male mode.

Your ex wife will expect that every year you have to visit her house at Christmas.

[KymG]

I appreciate the situation, but personally i think you should bin the ex wifes invite, why should she stipulate what you can or cant wear?
Just to point how silly it is, How would she feel if you invited her over and she had to wear male clothes only?
Put yourself first Teresa.

[Gillian Gigs]

My gut feeling is I should bite the bullet and join my family with my ex-wife but my mother deserves my support for going out on a limb with her acceptance and support for me.
I.

Go with your gut feeling!

[Teresa]

Gale,
No my dressing is totally as Teresa besides it still wouldn't be right with my ex-wife , lets not forget when she invited herself to my home she tried to stipulate how I should dress .
Char,
I'm stuck with my ex-wife and sister who don't appear to appreciate Covid-19 rules , my ex would tell me to " Man up !" as she has with others !

Shelly,
I will always live with that expectation , underneath she's still going to try and win that battle .

I do feel the advice is right to stay at home so no one is offended , they all know where I live so if they want to see me over Xmas they know where I am . That takes me out of the no win situation and out of breaking the Covid-19 rules .

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa :hugs:, Sounds like you are between a Rock and a Hard Place, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

Stay at home. With your mother at the age she is and vulnerable to the virus. Should she get it over the Christmas period it will play on everyone's mind that they were the cause. I would also advise that your sister reconsiders going as I'm assuming she has school aged kids and according to what I heard on the news today the highest infection rates are in the age group 10-18.

I have a daughter who is a teacher who is planning to visit us on the day but we have said that as we are in the support bubble for my wife's elderly mother, should the school have an outbreak in the last week of term then she should stay away.

These are exceptional times and while we all crave those moments of normality people have to realise that those moments could cause someone's demise. Some might be able to say Oh well they had a good innings, it was their time but the sense of guilt could plague others. Let's not overlook that a death at Christmas resonates and over shadows Christmas's to come, so one spoilt holiday turns into many.

Has that cheered everyone up?

[cindylouho]

Having read many of your posts Teresa the choice to me is clear. I can certainly understand the Covid fear, and please excuse me for saying this but to hell with that half-hearted invite from your ex. Now as for your Mum its a toughie, but considering the recent visits you had with her and the fact that she's 91, I would go and be as sanitary as a surgeon during an operation.

[Marguarite]

Hello Teresa, My Mom passed a few years ago, but I would not have missed an opportunity to spend Christmas with her. At 91, you don't know how many more there may be. I would call the Ex and explain that you had already accepted the invitation from your Mom. Follow Teresa's heart, and your decision will be true.

Hope it all works out, HUGS Marguarite.

[Pumped]

Pumped ,
I get that but then it also means I won't see my daughter and family over Xmas .



Do you get to see your daughter other times?

If you do, then what difference does it make?

Does you daughter know about Teresa?

If she does, tell her that your ex doesn't want to see Teresa, and that is a deal breaker for you.

Get with your daughter another day.

IMO, your mom has a short time left here on the earth. If neither of you have issues with COVID then go she her and be with with people that accept you.

I will not be seeing either of my parents this holiday season. We talked, and figured everyone's safety came first. We can get together after this COVID crap blows over.

[Pantyhose Queen]

Spend time with your Mother if you are going to do anything, she is accepting you for who you are. It sounds like your ex wife is still trying to control the situation to what she wants.

[candykowal]

Great advice here...
....To bring up an old saying: They are not called an ex for nothing. Make arrangements to meet your children at another time to exchange presents.
Yup! I would NEVER allow my ex (if I had one) to dictate ANY rules to my life, ever again!
That means your mother in law is a EX too... got to let them go even if the Mother likes to stir the pot! MOVE ON!
Make your own traditions with your daughter.

[Dutchess]

Stay home . Don't even think about what your ex or sister have to say about it . Its just another day .. you'll see everyone again .

[AngelaYVR]

Christmas is a season, not just a day. How about visiting other family (if you’re going to) on Xmas Eve, Boxing Day or another day?

[Gardener]

Teresa, protecting your Mum seems paramount. Up to you if you want to be ordered by your ex wife. Being on your own sounds ok, maybe not preferred, but there are worse things that could happen and I am sure you can inject specialness into the day.

[Stephanie47]

Teresa, stay put in your own home. Today, the toll in the USA was 3,500+ deaths and 200,000+ new cases. Tomorrow? Las Vegas taking bets? Anyway, one slip up and you or your aged mother may be dead or disabled. My son and his family live four minutes away. My daughter is 35 miles. We did not celebrate Thanksgiving together. My wife made apple pies which I delivered by placing them on tables outside their homes. My kids will NOT come into our home. We have not gone into their homes. That's the way it will be Thanksgiving. Our kids are out in the community where they can become carriers. No matter how well your mum looks age is a factor. The immune system in the elderly is not as strong as in the young even if there are no underlying conditions.

My wife's friend comes over and sit on the outside of our home separated by a storm door. They eat scones and drink tea. My wife and I visit her mother on Wednesdays. Same deal. She is inside her home behind the storm door and we are outside.

Stay home. If you must, bake her a pie.

[Jean 103]

No , you should not go anywhere in guy mode period.

If you are following the rules than follow them. Otherwise have Christmas with your mother.

It is past the time when everyone should be adjusted to you. Sounds like your mom gets it.

[Vale]

My own approach is ? think about next year?s Christmas. Do i want to take the chance that I or one of my loved ones will be gone due to an accidental exposure to COVID this Christmas?

My answer is no! FaceTime will have to do this year.

Love to all,
Vale

[Teresa]

Helen,
My sister's aren't school age one has turned 50 and the other in his forties , he also has three teenage daughters two of which will be at my mum's home on the day . My mother is aware of the figures and she is worried . I almost feel like calling my sister to tell her to make other arrangements , I do feel she is acting irresponsible .

I don't see my children and grandchildren very much but that is partly my TG issues with my son and also staying safe during the pandemic .

Pumped my son had dropped in at my home and had coffee with me but he feels his sons are too young to understand . My daughter is totally open and accepting I've been out several time with toi shows and shooping trip , I did the Xmas meal for her and her family and she invited my to her home last Xmas . Her mother in law only accepts me as Teresa and we've been out with our granddaughter . My ex and my daughter have had heated debates over my TG situation , I felt bad at the time as I felt she was caught " Piggy in the middle " .

As a P.S. I also suggested to my mother that I give Xmas day a miss and cook a meal for her and my sister if she chooses to come at the New Year depending on the lockdown rules after Xmas . ( I am assuming they will be higher as Xmas is bound to cause a spike in the infection rate .)

Marguarite,
I've been dropping in to see my mum once a week for sometime so we are in regular touch .

Jean,
I hope it's the last year where I have to do male mode to collect the cured hams from the village butcher . I usually deliver one to my daughter and one to my son , which is also a good time to drop my Xmas gifts in and see the boys . As the hams are large I now split one with my wife so I usually do that at her home .

My mum has been amazing especially at 91 , she really hasn't batted an eyelid over meeting me as Terri .

Stephanie,
The figures are scary , I see them as a medium sized town being totally wiped out every few weeks .

[Sharon budd]

Hi Teresa, your motto should inform your decision "the real me no going back".
Sharon

[Helen_Highwater]

Well the wife and I had the conversation, no, not that one. The one about should our teacher daughter see her nan on Christmas day when we're all sat around the table enjoying turkey and trimmings and the answer was no. Too risky.

So a compromise has been reached. Christmas day we'll Zoom so nan and grandchild can see each other. Then boxing day, daughter will come to us as will nan but instead of sitting around the table they can sit in the conservatory, doors and windows open, socially distanced, bathed in hand sanitiser, masked if deemed prudent.

It's managed risk.

Teresa,

Sorry, I didn't make it clear, I was referring to your sisters kids and the real risk they present to your mom. I would counsel having a talk with her to see if like us, there's a safer way of facilitating the day.

I can invisage real family breakup if should your Mom fall ill the blame sits with a teenage grandchild. Unusual times call for unusual actions and we are talking literally life and death here.

[cindylouho]

One last point I'd like to add Teresa is what does your Mother actually want? This may not necessarily be what she's told her child since parents will always defer their happiness to their childrens'. The Pandemic has been very difficult for my mother in law. This is an energetic, cheerful, and extremely positive person in her late 70s who over the course of this past year has become melancholy, fearful, and extremely lonely. We were all planning on doing Xmas at her place this year until the gov't started threatening everyone with steep fines for such get togethers. The thought of her being alone at Xmas has weighed heavily on me for the last few weeks, of course if she had it her way she'd have everyone over no matter what she might openly say to her children.

[Krea]

There are two separate components of this issue.
One is the refusal of your ex-wife to acknowledge Teresa. The event will be at her home, so she can stipulate whatever ground rules she wishes, however unreasonable they may be. As Teresa is not welcome, you would be acting very reasonably to decline. Your daughter is accepting of Teresa, so she will surely understand.

The other issue, which supersedes TG considerations, is the pandemic situation. Whilst it may not currently be illegal in the UK to have large family gatherings, my opinion is that it is highly inappropriate to do so and i am astonished that anyone would even consider it.
My advice would be for everyone to stay at their own home. Corona virus will not cease to be contagious just because it's the festive season....

[cindylouho]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I would never waste my time trying to make someone think the way I do. My opinion, and I make it with full respect to the seriousness of the situation and need for safety, is that too many people are too frightened by the pandemic and the accompanying regulations. Nothing is going to stop me from seeing my daughter at Xmas, nothing.

[paulinescotlandcd]

It is a tough old call but I would stay home and stay safe. Let's be honest Christmas will be over in a flash and when it is you can at least look back and say you did the right thing.

[Teresa]

Helen,
It's wasted breath on my sister and ex wife . I totally share your sentiments , I do not want to be responsible for spreading the virus , I feel I've bent the rules enough so far . As Krea points out the virus isn't going to take Xmas off to let us celebrate .

Cindy,
My Mum is trying to please everyone at her own expense and safety , I'm annoyed and frustrated that other members of my family can'r see it . She is worried about me spending Xmas alone but I told several time not to worry about it , I will be happier knowing it's the right thing to do .
It's my daughter's birthday on the 21st , this year I've sent her a card with some money in it .

It might be better if the government had laid down stricter rules but the problem is who is going to enforce them ? Leaving people to make their own decisions usually means most people will ignore the safety advice , that is the problem I'm having , I will just have to politely say to everyone ," No thankyou " and stay safely at home .

Sharon,
I agree but I won't deny it's hard at times .

[Jean 103]

Teresa, think about the meaning of Christmas. It's a celebration of life, and acceptance.

Now that everyone knows, or at least anyone who needs to. Don't you think in the spirit of the season and the fact that the whole world is going through this trying time. Wouldn't you think they would drop their objections to you being you ?

Frankly if they can't, all they deserve is a lump of coal.

Yes your mom is great, the last to know, and it sounds like your strongest supporter.

Teresa you know and understand my my Christmas party dilemma. As with me, for you it is time.

If they can not accept you that they do not have the spirit of Christmas in their heart and do not deserve to be graced by you presence.

[Asew]

I would think your ex wife would be out of the question (I like how someone called if a half-hearted invite). And if you see your mother it is a covid gamble. Plenty of people are doing, and I am not here to tell you what to do in that regard.

[abby054]

Sounds like an opportunity for some time to rest and do something you enjoy alone. Use THE VIRUS as a reason if you must. As for me, I have similar issues but they solved themselves. THE VIRUS has come to my house and just in time for Christmas. Our Christmas will be on several dates with small groups from our THE VIRUS jail release date, expected December 25, to January 18.

[Helen_Highwater]

Helen,
It's wasted breath on my sister and ex wife .

Then perhaps it's time for some hard talking. Lay it out for your sister and ask her if she's truly prepared to be responsible for her mother's premature death. For her kids to potentially have to carry the blame and the effect that could have upon them.

People are selfish and act in their own self interest, more like children than adults. If you've decided to do what is undoubtedly the right thing and stay away then for your sacrifice to then be cancelled out in the most cruel of ways deserves to have the consequences spelled out in no uncertain terms.

Edit: I've just seen that the R value has risen past 1 to between 1.1 and 1.2 and covid cases are increasing in England rising sharply in the south. Add to the mix that when the kids go back to school, those of secondary age will be tested for covid. How will they feel is one returns a positive test?

[Teresa]

I've now had the conversation with my ex-wife and she fully supports me for deciding to stay home , she didn't realise the pressure my mother is under is also annoyed with my sister for letting this situation arise , she also said how nice it was for me to be invited as Teresa . My wife was fairly close to my mother so she still drops in and has coffee with her , at first I did wonder what her motives are but it's less important now .

[Rileyaz]

HI Teresa,
First of all, screw the ex. She doesn't accept you as you are.
Second, Love your mother. She truly loves you.
Whatever you decide, do so knowingly.
Riley

[Helen_Highwater]

Having just listened to the announcement of the heightened restrictions by the PM I think although you've already made your decision not to go it's now been taken out of your hands.

Also, given the increased risk of transmission of the new variant you do really need to have a serious conversation with your other family members as to whether or not they visit your mother over Christmas. I know this thread started about your seeing her while dressed in the presence of others but the last place any of us want to be reading a post from you is in the Births, Marriages, In Memoriam, Passing of Members, Family and Friends section.

My wife and I have already talked about stopping our daughter's fiance from visiting us for Christmas dinner as he's not part of our support/household bubble and could potentially pose a threat to my wife's elderly mother and shielding sister for whom we act as carers. Hard times, difficult choices but also necessary if we're to defeat this virus as quickly as possible.

[Teresa]

Helen,
I do agree I'm not in the highest tier but the virus doesn't know that , my ham trip on the 23rd is going to be enough of a risk .

I didn't mention it but one my sister's sons is travelling up from Devon and has planned to stay over at my mother's home .

[GaleWarning]

The matter really has been taken out of your hands, Teresa. All of you should stay home on Christmas Day and beyond, stay safe, and dress however you please.
That bottle of wine will have to wait! :)

[Bobbi46]

Teresa, It matters not the reasons for ones break ups but where an ex is concerned over time it always goes belly up, after my divorce i kept in touch with my ex until it came to the point of it being a waste of time and we talk no more. You should not allow your ex to dictate how you should dress are who to see or whatever. Dress and be you, see your mum and your daughter if you can. In a way it is time IMO, to move on with your life, live it as you want to and how it makes you feel best.

[Joni T]

Your ex is an ex for a reason. You live alone. Your ex should have no bearing on your current life. It's at your Mom's place. Her place, her rules. Go as Teri. If your ex doesn't like it, I'm sure she'll be free to leave.
Just for the record, I collect ex's. I have 2.

[Geena Gee]

I've been invited to some friends houses for dinner, but I don't want to risk it. I don't have any family locally, my parents are both deceased, and my ex didn't invite me to Christmas dinner WHEN WE WERE MARRIED, so no reason to think that she would have me over now. Anyway, I plan on spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the only person that accepts me for who I am... ME! Things are bad here in Texas, and with the vaccines so close, I can celebrate Christmas with the people I care about in July.

[Janet Devon]

Abby,
I hope you come through Covid-19 as good as I did or better. I was stuck at home for the month of November. No Thanksgiving family get together. You know what? We still all chatted via video conferencing and had a great time. No passing viruses and food but everything else wss there.

Teresa,
You have had lots of suggestions, I would say if you are Teresa the rest of the time, stay Teresa. You will see your daughters another time but I personally would not stay alone for Christmas. I love seeing family and would clean extra well and see mom.

PS.
In our state Covid-19 is rampant and yesterday I went to a wedding (as a male with my wife) and celebrated with 200 other unmasked friends and family. Someone will get sick, we all understand the risks. I bet your mother does too. She chose to invite Teresa.

[Helen_Highwater]

Janet,

You say covid is rampant and yet 200 gathered for a wedding with the expectation that someone will get sick! What if it's the bride or one of her immediate family and they die? Will it be worth it then?

We can all cope with one quiet Christmas especially if it saves the life of a loved one. I don't have to deal with the dilemma Teresa faces re how and where she presents herself being in the closet but I know it would not interfere with my first choice which would be to keep those nearest and dearest to me safe.

[Teresa]

Janet ,
I'm not sure what the maximum number of guests allowed at weddings are in the UK but it's not anywhere near 200 , I have to agree with Helen the risks are far too great especially not even wearing masks for some of the time .

I love seeing my family too but not to risk them or me , anyway the point is now academic as some areas have moved into a higher tier level and no movement at all is allowed outside those areas , I will personally be happier staying alone at home than worrying about who might infect who .

[Stephanie47]

Good choice, Teresa. So, yesterday it was reported a new coronavirus strain has surfaced in Great Britain which is more contagious. Greater restrictions. My son and daughter are not even proposing any sort of get together with my wife and myself.

[Helen_Highwater]

Janet ,
I'm not sure what the maximum number of guests allowed at weddings are in the UK but it's not anywhere near 200


POI.
In England, wedding and civil partnership ceremonies and receptions can take place with 15 people in attendance in tier one and tier two areas. Receptions are not allowed in tier three and four, but ceremonies can be attended by up to 15 people.

Receptions are also required to follow certain social distancing rules.

[GaleWarning]

The safe and sensible thing to do would be postpone the wedding.
Then everyone will be able to celebrate it at a later stage.
We don't need 4 funerals and a wedding!