Why does the urge never go away?

[KatieTv]

Hi
That's the question from me. I've done this for years on and off. I had 8 years without doing it then bam in 2019, off I go again. Then I go 6 month without then bam, again, then another 6 months break and now once a month for 3 months.

I guess I know the answer. Its part of my makeup and I can control it if I really want to.

[Alice Torn]

It is a bit different with every person. We are all different and so complex. But humans, are adaptable , and when things get really bad, like a natural disaster, war, no food, it becomes surviving that is the big concern. But, the urge comes and goes. For some it is more than others, but it seems to be something some of us were born predispositioned with. As a very emotionally troubled male from very troubled father, who dod not want son, and torment issues all my life, I find it is always there, wanting to escape the dull, painful, lonely life of a anever married, never had a steady girlfriend, tortured solitary blue coolar man, highly sensitive person, and it really is an escape form my male hell for a short time, but them , but then, after the need is met, i am ready to go back to guy mode, and am ok with it for awhile. i am never going to transition, for a number of good reasons, as i need my guy side for many hard jobs, and duties. I am conflicted all my life , but life was never meant to be a cakewalk and easy. Character is only built through trial, hardships, and pain mostly. I have had some near death experiences on the road lately, adn iknow, that , at amost 67, and having health issues, not a lot of sand left in the hourglass, and i dont mean an hour glass figure! LOL I need to get my house in order.

[Crissy 107]

I do not think it is a choice at all, yes you can suppress it, I did for a long time, but it will always come back, usually stronger then before.
The why of this is unknown

[Janine cd]

I agree with Crissy, the urge never really goes away. You may think it's over but the truth is that sooner or later it will return. I know from experience. I have lived with the desire to crossdress since I was 11. That was 70 years ago.

[Geena75]

Why? To grossly oversimplify it: it feels good. For some, it makes them feel right, the way they want to feel all the time. For others, it fulfills a desire that they don't want to miss an opportunity for it. For some it excites a pleasure center which a substitute can replace (to some degree), and will resurface in time. There are thousands of people out there, and thousands of reasons why.

[c2candice]

For me, I find it a bit like chasing a rainbow ��

I yearn for it, so much that it hurts sometimes. I can pretend to ignore it. Then I chase after it, and just when I think I’m there, it’s gone. Just as suddenly as it appeared.

It will show up now and again. Sometimes just flashes. Or reflections in the mirror. Reminding you that it’s never really gone. Then one day it shows up RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. It won’t budge. You grasp for it. It moves away. Just out of reach. The cycle repeats.

Don’t even try to understand it. Some others gave me some great advice after I asked that darn “why” question
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?272576-Hi-again-my-accomplices&p=4492424&highlight=#post4492424

[jenabrooks]

Same here I've gone 6 years and it comes back stronger. This time before Halloween I had a full body wax, Eyebrows arched very fem. Because the covid I can stay away from people and I went out dressed more times then I ever had and loved it. Im not changing it here to stay.

[Jillcder]

Yup Crissy nailed it years ago I heard the saying ?once a crossdresser always a crossdresser? in my case no truer words have been spoken.

[Michelle1955]

We are all individuals, we are similar but also different.
Myself it started at a very early age looking playmates clothing as we played, then looking at catalogs (Sears and J C Penny) then around 5 was my 1st pair of panties. My friend in her bedroom (same age) switch each other underwear / panties. So it was a great feeling, it seemed correct. Many nights wishing and dreaming of being a girl. Early teens is was very confused, disliked my plumbing / things were wrong. Sexual was introduced, but wrong. Wanted breasts and female plumbing.

College opened more options with clothing and my 1st forms, and using woman’s restrooms (1970’s) on campus when I could.The sexual teenage time frame subsided and back to young man that should have been a woman. Graduated college married 2 daughters, married currently for 41 years to my soul mate. Have ups and downs, pink fog and came to terms that I am non-binary but heavy on the female side. Not dressing to the nines, I am a casual look person when I dress. Always 24/7 I will have at-least at a minimum some underdressing. Seems to help the stress level and keep the stress manageable.

Does not go away ever, currently 65 years old / retired for 3 years. It has been getting harder to manage the stress level the last 5 years.Ie taking more girl time to manage the stress.

[franlee]

KatieTV you are lucky to have it subside for that long at the time. Well if you want it to that is. I have been addicted to it for 50 years now and it never really goes away mainly because I don't want it to. I have come to accept it as a gift and learned to use it. But there are times I have been so wrapped up in work or some other hobby that it would take a back burner and then when things leveled out or I need it to get away, there it is. I can't quite for the simple reason I don't want to. I wasn't born this way I have cultivated it and got the Bug at 16 and it was a sexual experience that was great. If it ever gets where I don't enjoy it I'll quite, but I don't foresee that happening. It is my Fetish/Thing and when I read a lot of these posts I see the basically same thing just at different levels of intensity and acceptance.

[Geena Gee]

How much different would you look at it if you were questioning why the 'urge' goes away?
Life only gets in the way when you're not doing it right! But, in my life, it's more peaks and valleys. Geena's always there, and there are certain triggers that bring me to the forefront in my life. My biggest trigger is shoes. Even if they are shoes that I couldn't possible wear. 5 inch heels, big platforms are a bit much for me, but they look good on somebody else, and they get my juices flowing.
The valleys usually coincide with my emotional state. Rejection can just about shut me down completely. However, I have pretty thick skin and can let most things slide by. But never address me as SIR when I'm en femme. If I don't retreat, I can become the Psycho Bitch from Hell.
Geena is always with me, but she isn't always the dominant part of me.

[Rachel05]

I think toe difference for me is, it is not an urge, it is very much part of how I am wired

Back in the early days, I so wanted it not to be part of me, but it clearly was, it never went away, back then I used to convince myself I wanted it to, but here I am having learnt to love that part of me and for a long time now, have embraced that part of me and absolutely adore how being dressed makes me feel

[Teresa]

Katie,
I've always said it must be hard for members who wax and wane with dressing and obviously hard on the wife if she knows .

My needs were 24/7 so I knew I had to learn to deal with it , I think I might have found it difficult living with the gaps not knowing when the needs would come back .

I guess it's brain chemistry playing tricks on you , somehow I'm glad now the urge never did go away because I'm happier for accepting it .

[Bruce64]

It's always there, just dormant sometimes then alive again, I had gone a year or two without anything then it raise up, so now I do my daily thing, all to it so it doesn't come like a beast on me.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Katie,

I ignored,denied my feminine side my whole like. Everytime she wanted out I would lock her deeper away. During my mid-fifties she wanted out in a bad way. The more I ignored her, the more she wanted out. This went on for a couple of years until finally it got so bad I couldn't think straight, or focus on anything. I finally let her out and accepted her as a part of me. I've since been much happier having let her into my life.

The moral to the story is if you embrace her and incorporate her into your everyday life the urges will subside. It's the whole Ying Yang thing.

[DianeT]

For me, I find it a bit like chasing a rainbow
I like this image very much. It is truly what I felt in my search of explanations. Truth moved away each time I thought I got closer. Plus the rainbow spectrum is a good fit for the topic.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know the answer to your question. My PTSD counselor is of the opinion every person, male or woman, has some dna of the opposite sex within their genetic profile. In some it is more than in others. The question arises, why is that triggered? I grew up a rough and tumble boy. It was all this boy; all sports, playing war (post WW2 kid), cowboys and Indians, played in the dirt. I had no female cousins. My sister was born when I was twelve. Nobody dressed me up as a girl. Early on I had an attraction to my mother's slips which she hanged to dry in the sole bathroom of the apartment. I love the feel of the nylon. It wasn't until puberty that I delved into my mother's lingerie draw. I think it is a long road from trying on a slip pre-puberty to wearing the entire deal and dabbling in her makeup. There was an excitement about it which turned into pure disgust and self loathing. Why do it, if that was the end result? I am totally comfortable as a man and acting as a woman. The thing that leads to conflict is dealing with others. With my self acceptance, now I see it as "their" problem which I have to deal with.

There have been breaks for a long period of time when I had zero thoughts of wearing women's attire. But, those times were when I was deeply involved in macho activities where my male sided dna was needed. It was an need to suppress the female sided dna. That would be a conscious thought. I think the urge can and does go away, but, it lingers somewhere in that dna chain. There's probably some conditioning involved. If the activity is pleasurable and one seeks relief from stress, it seems natural a person would engage in that activity. Some seek stress relief after work in a bottle or recreational drugs. Others cross dress.

[Pumped]

I started dressing when I was very young, maybe 5-6 years old. stopped for a few years, dabbled in it in my teens and early twenties, got married, got busy with life and started dressing again about eight years ago and now dress pretty much every day, 60 years old. Much of the times I didn't dress was because it seemed impossible to do so. Wife and family in a small apartment, working long days, people were around all the time. The desire was there, but pretty much impossible so it got stuffed down inside. A few years ago I changed jobs and started staying in motels a few nights a month. All of a sudden I had time and privacy.

[Judy-Somthing]

This CD-ing thing is way to consuming, it seems like all I do is think about dressing!
Even when I'm sleeping.

[Bobbi46]

For some it is not so much an urge to dress but a way of life chosen by us because of the way we are. I am now committed in my way of life, having overcome several hurdles along the way to where I wanted to be, to be able to dress and please myself as much as possible whilst at the same time striking a happy medium of acceptance with those around me.

[sweetdreams]

For me it's changed over the years. In my early childhood I seemed to be on a four year cycle. First occurrence when I was 5, next more significant session was around 9, then even more significant was around 13, then got married and shared it with the wife when I was 20. No it never went away for very long. Always there like an old friend who pops in for drinks occasionally.

Throughout my middle years it was always there but on the back burner. Mostly bedroom play and occasionally underdressing in public. These were child rearing years (we had four) so unless I was going to come out to the world it wasn't as much of an issue or possibility. It all worked out. The desire was there but it wasn't terribly strong. Probably a good thing under the circumstances.

In my later years (yea I'm an old fart), I had to push this to the limit. I had to see what I could look like if I pulled out all the stops. Full glam, wigs, dress, and out the front door in public. This part has been so much fun. Beyond what I would have imagined. Throughout my journey I would fantasize about going out into the world as a girl. Never believed it would happen. The past few years have been so interesting and surreal in many ways. The things that have happened, the people I've encountered, and the things I've done, WOW. I've enjoyed this so much. The interactions with GGs, the makeup, the clothes, way too much fun. I can hardly wait for this Covid stuff to be done with so I can get back out and mingle.

It seems for many of us as we got older we've supersized what we do with our cross dressing. Maybe as we approach retirement we are empty nesters and don't have to worry about employment issues so much. Maybe we realize there are only so many years left and what ever we are going to do with this has to be now or soon. Not sure what it is but there does seem to be a real need to embrace this more and push harder. The other thing that comes with age is less concern over what other people think. I'm much more at peace with this being part of me. If someone else has a real issue with it, too bad. Your issue not mine, deal with it.

I do look back and wish I had done more earlier, but the 60s were a very different time for us. It would have been a much bumpier ride back then. These days with the Pride organizations and LGBTQ.... public awareness is greater and society is much more flexible. Yay!

[NancySue]

Great question. For me, to some degree, it?s uncontrollable..I?ve never tried to control it...why? it?s always there. In the early years, I was able to abstain, but as the years rolled on, it?s more frequent and more intense. Over the years, I?ve read, researched, etc. for some answers, but to no avail. I just accept it as part of my psyche.

[Robertacd]

The guilt and shame driven binge/purge cycle is all too common and not good for anyone.

You might be able to repress or deny it for periods of time, (I did for years) but it will never just "go away" because it's part of who you are.

You can either accept this, if you are unable to accept it or want help dealing with it, seek out professional help.

But frankly, I don't think we can be "cured of it" even by a mental health professional.

[Natalie5004]

I do dream and wake up thinking about dressing. It is filling a lot of space in my brain too.

I do not want it to go away because I like the feeling too much. I just wish it wasn't such a big deal to me or anyone else in my life. Like it was almost kind of normal?/////

[docrobbysherry]

I certainly hope so! This 77 y/o CD's getting too old to continue my obsession with Sherry.

At least, at the mind bending level of participation I'm at now!:doh:

[Janet Devon]

Judy,
I too wake up thinking about dressing up all the time. Drives me a little buggy. I want to not think about dressing up so much but no luck. I can dress up almost every day, so I do even if it is only 30 minutes before breakfast. At 61 I would have thought that I would have gotten over it but is stronger today than 30 years ago.

[Kandi Robbins]

It never, ever, ever goes away. I am sure many gave you various reasons for it, but in it's simplest form, it makes us happy. And if you could strip away societal norms, it would make many more happy. It may be the purest form of joy you can have. And I speak as a 50+ year tortured soul and now six years of bliss. Who knew?

[Stevie Allyn]

I suspect the urge never goes away because that urge is a fundamental part of who we are. It seems to be a fundamental part of who I am at least. And I must admit I am very happy to have the urge be a part of me, at least since I accepted it my mental health has never been better.

[KatieTv]

Thankyou for all your replies

[MarinaTwelve200]

As another poster said---It Makes us HAPPY. Apparently I need an ocasional "Escape" or "Vacation from myself" to unwind and totally "relax" (I am an "escapist' CD) And Cross-dressing is the ONLY thing that works like that, effectively making me a different person and being able to dissociate myself from both my own worries and concerns and even the pressures of my "maleness". Feeling pretty also makes me feel good too.

-------But, since Cross-dressing is done for various reasons, by different people the reasons for one person may not be the same for another. Apparently there is SOMETHING in our individual Psyches that Cross-Dressing addresses. Be it escape, sexual stimulation, sexual identity, fetish or plain FUN. It is something we NEED, that cross dressing satisfies.

[mbmeen12]

Why does the urge never go away?

I am not wanting the urge, to go away but to own it....Rather "IT" owning me.

[nancy58]

I believe that the reason the crossdressing urge doesn't go away is that it is part of my sexuality. It may have been there from the beginning, or it may have come from my spending hours looking at lingerie photos in the Sears catalog as a teen because I didn't have access to Playboy pictures. However it came about, it is so much a part of me that when I came out to a therapist in my 40s, even feeling completely ashamed as I did, I recoiled when he offered to help cure me. (He is gay, and how he could believe that I could be "cured" is as unfathomable to me as how he might be "cured" himself.) While he was able to start me on the road to accepting myself, I left his office that day certain that I didn't want to be "cured". This was before the cure for prostate cancer left me impotent and before my wife lost most interest in sex because of menopause and/or an anti-anxiety medication. (Cures so often come with a cost -- as is seen in countless fairy tales.) Crossdressing is something I have left, and it is a gift. Accepting that this is part of me and that it's OK to be me -- as evidenced by my having been a good husband, a good father, and a contributor to the life of my community -- has been critical. So has my wife's reluctant acceptance that this is something I do, and her knowledge that it's me, not her.

In my work with my current therapist, I have come to the belief that the urge to dress up in female attire is akin to the urge to consume alcohol. I carefully regulate my enjoyment of alcohol because alcoholism is in my family history, and I try to do the same with crossdressing. When I feel compelled by the urge, it's usually because life is feeling dull and unsatisfying. When I am really engaged in things I enjoy -- bicycling, traveling, etc. -- my femme clothes hang unused in the closet. The challenge, then, is for me to figure out what I need. At present, one of those things is finding space for being Nancy, which is hard when my wife and I are together 24x7. (This is a DADT relationship, unfortunately.)

Don't let the dog wag the tail. Figure out what's really driving you.

[XemmaX]

maybe it's like we all have a light gender dysphoria and we all need to do it every so often to feel good in ourselves. i reckon it's just that it gives us a feeling that makes us all feel content and happy when one has reached that selfacceptance. but i rarely think about tbh it's just part of me i suppose.

[Brianne_bc]

Its what they call stimming. Read neurotribes and it will explain why we do what we do.
How many crossdressers also like trains?

[Cheryl T]

My personal belief is that this is actually genetic in nature.
I tried many times over my life to walk away, purge, deny this part of myself only to return.
I don't think I could change this any more than I could change my eye color.

[Stephanie47]

maybe it's like we all have a light gender dysphoria

I'll have to remember that phraseology. My PTSD counselor is of the opinion each man or woman has some dna of the opposite sex in his or her genetic makeup. In some it is more than others. I find, as Cheryl does, that makes the most sense of all this:

"gender dysphoria light"

Catchy like a beer commercial! :)

[Robertacd]

we all have... gender dysphoria

I had gender dysphoria when dysphoria wasn't cool... :p Honestly I wonder if that's why people in my age group and older have a harder time with this. Gender Dysphoria wasn't even a diagnosis when I was young and experiencing my feelings. Everything was so black and white. You were either a "transsexual" and were going to physically transition or you were some kind of pervert. (Interestingly the "pervert" seemed more socially acceptable?) That lead me to lots of "grasping at straws" for a reason why, everything from "panty fetish" to AGP, I tried them all. Some of them served me well for several years but deep inside I still knew what I knew when I was 12.

[DanielleCD]

I cycle back and forth... no rhyme or reason to when and how much... only thing that is consistent is, if I don't dress when I need to, my stress levels go thru the roof. Dressing is calming and soothing for me.

[franlee]

This CD-ing thing is way to consuming, it seems like all I do is think about dressing!
Even when I'm sleeping.

I can certainly relate and agree. I often wonder how much I could have accomplished in other aspects of my life if I hadn't been so preoccupied with CDing.

[Janine cd]

I've been struggling with the desire to dress for more than 70 years. When I was a teenager, I satisfied my need my wearing my mom's clothes as often as a could. The desire remained after I married, but the opportunity became less likely. I fought the desire for the next 30 years, but it resurfaced in the 1980's. This time, I went all the way. I started building a wardrobe and added wigs, makeup and anything that made me feel as if I were truly a woman. Of course, I went through several periods of remorse and purged so many times that I can't remember the number. Since last year, I've come to believe that I will never be free of the desire and that I must accept it as being with me for the rest of my life.

[XemmaX]

I had gender dysphoria when dysphoria wasn't cool... :p Honestly I wonder if that's why people in my age group and older have a harder time with this. Gender Dysphoria wasn't even a diagnosis when I was young and experiencing my feelings. Everything was so black and white. You were either a "transsexual" and were going to physically transition or you were some kind of pervert. (Interestingly the "pervert" seemed more socially acceptable?) That lead me to lots of "grasping at straws" for a reason why, everything from "panty fetish" to AGP, I tried them all. Some of them served me well for several years but deep inside I still knew what I knew when I was 12.

well i mean it in the an idea that we could be having it at all different levels as a possible theory of why it doesnt seem to ever really go away.

[Star01]

The experience given by sweetdreams could easily have been written about me with the only exception being that I still have to dress in private. I haven?t had that breakthrough moment with my wife but I check off the rest of the same boxes. Four kids, empty nest, retired, discovered dressing at thirteen and it kept coming back. Purged in 2005, it came back in 2012 and I am thinking about it 24/7. In my case it has all come full circle where I need to do more.

This is an encouraging discussion because I can see that I am not alone. Many have started out cross dressing and had to revisit and some revised their understanding and f themselves later in life. This all resonates with me and I enjoy visiting this section of the forum.

[Robertacd]

well i mean it in the an idea that we could be having it at all different levels as a possible theory of why it doesnt seem to ever really go away.



That is pretty much what I have been trying to say.

I believe that except for maybe "Fetish Dressers" (and we all know that someone who says they are "into forced fem" does not really need to be forced) we all suffer Gender Dysphoria to some extent.

That is what creates the urge to begin with, and the inability to accept that is why it never goes away.

And it won't go away until you accept this about yourself and address it one way or another.

[Sherlie Q]

Hi
That's the question from me. I've done this for years on and off. I had 8 years without doing it then bam in 2019, off I go again. Then I go 6 month without then bam, again, then another 6 months break and now once a month for 3 months.

I guess I know the answer. Its part of my makeup and I can control it if I really want to.

I have tried to limit itb because business, personal things etc. But a question. Do, I want to stop. No, if, I can get away with it. Yes if it interfers with my life.

- - - Updated - - -

Im getting to the point this is getting in the way of other things and, I feel like it is an addiction.