How do I make my tomorrows brighter?

[CD Rachel]

Since another post mentions New Year?s resolutions I have been thinking about how I should approach this new year.

For the first time since I was 18 it is just me. I am alone and on my own for the first time in my life. I am filled with self doubt. What do I want in life? Who am I? What am I? Where am I going and what bus do I take to get there? How can I find the blue bird of happiness?

Sometimes I think that I have more issues than Time magazine?.

I have social anxiety disorder. I am afraid to make a phone call or to talk to strangers, i.e. order pizza, make an appointment. I have anxiety going to the store because I must interact with other people. Even the New Years day Zoom meeting. I was looking forward to attending but got cold feet just 10 minutes before it began. I literally ran to my bedroom and stayed there for an hour. Sometime I get better after a few minutes of interacting getting to know someone, but other times I remain afraid and embarrassed almost wanting to run away from the conversation. I have a very difficult time making new friends and keeping friends. My wife knew of my disorder and helped me to get through daily life. But now that buffer is gone and I feel completely exposed.

How do I become more self disciplined? How do I get over the social anxiety? How do I make new friends and meet new people? How can I constructively spend my time?

For the New Year here are some of the things that I want to do. I want to join the group meetings with Lehigh Valley Transgender Renaissance. I want to attend zoom meetings with crossdressers.com I want to get better at playing guitar, I want to learn how to use and apply makeup. Maybe this year will be the first public appearance for Rachel? Start voice training? Start HRT? Electrolysis?

I am looking forward to working with a therapist for my issues. I want to move past just seeing the therapist to survive day to day. I want to explore my gender dysphoria and my social anxieties. I want to be set free to be the best me that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be and I want to be there for others as they have so often been there for me.

It is a long journey in front of me. Maybe I will find a new partner to share it with or maybe i won't. But either way I know that I must change if i want to be happy. I know that I do not want to take this journey alone and I will need to make new friends. A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

Hello friends.

Love,
Rachel

[Samm]

I think you pretty much answered your own question. :)

[TheHiddenMe]

As a parent of a 24 y/o son with similar anxiety/depression issues (no gender issues to speak of), I have seen him struggling with many of your same issues.

He's done some counseling for young adults, is taking medication, and is currently seeing a therapist. There has been progress, but it can be frustratingly slow. The family therapist we meet with suggests small steps.

I think the first step would be finding a therapist, which is not the easiest thing to do these days, as many are booked up. The flip side is that many therapists are meeting virtually, so you are not limited to finding a therapist in your geographic area.

You also might want to pick one thing from your list of goals to focus on and do that. Have a small victory, build some confidence, then go from there.

Just my two cents.

[Stephanie47]

Recently you started three threads that are entwined with each other. It is good you started therapy and medication. The only recommendation I have is to NOT undertake too many issues at the same time. You can become overwhelmed and get nowhere.

[docrobbysherry]

I can only advise u RE my experiences, Rachel. I'm shy, always have been. But, most folks wouldn't say I am now. Altho, I STILL get a lump in my throat before entering a large room of people or trans at social events! One trick I've learned to calm myself at these groups is to ask people questions. While they talk I try to stay involved with them and keep asking questions until I feel comfortable!:daydreaming:

I do NOT enjoy dressing to vanilla venues.:sad: Because an obvious man in a dress may get positive or negative feed back. But, it is a constant distraction for myself, SA's, servers, and/or other customers! I don't need or want the extra attention when I'm just out to shop or grab a bite to eat! In male mode no one notices me!:thumbsup:

The first time I ever met other T's was at a huge event out of state. I was too nervous to dress in public! I went down to the hotel bar in drab after checking in and joined in with all the T's drinking there. I knew a number of them from online, cd.comers. They were friendly and accepting. But, after an hour I began feeling uncomfortable as the only trans not dressed.:eek:

I went to my room and dressed. Then, spent the evening making dozens of new T friends in the bar!:hugs:

[Alexis00]

Good luck Rachel!

Do you exercise much? That always seems to help and even a walk outside in the sun seems to help with mood. I have an Apple Watch and try to keep my activity level I.

[CD Rachel]

Stephanie47 - yep three related threads but you can see where my mind is going. A new beginning and i do not want to screw it up.


I think a good point made on this thread is to not to try to take on too much at once. Baby steps and focusing on one or two things may help. I do have a counseling session scheduled for Friday and and a consultation with a gender therapist on Wednesday. Two counselors is one too many but if things go well with the consultation i may just work with the gender therapist if she is willing to help me with all of my issues.

Rachel

[Star01]

I share many of your concerns up to and including becoming a better guitar player along with the songwriting and recording process. Therapy hasn't been the fast track to the answers to all of my questions that I expected but that is because there is a lot to unpack before we get to that point. I also share your concern about a lack of friends as I was shunned by a former organization (can't talk about the R word here) after being a member for 25 years and lost every friend I had. In my case making friends in my 60's has become an even bigger challenge because I don't work and have been avoiding people since last March. My solution is three cats with one being my special little buddy. That might sound corny but it really does help having that little guy shadow me all day and sleep in my bed at night. Pets are great so if you don't have one and have the room and means to care for them I strongly recommend fostering a cat or dog. They do wonders.

[AllieSF]

Rachel,

Do the right next thing! Actually, I think that you are already doing that. I like the "The only recommendation I have is to NOT undertake too many issues at the same time." comment Stephanie made. Remember that you do not have to be total you on the outside (your femme presentation) to be you on the inside, that includes going too support meetings, Zoom meetings (I think that you can shut off your camera for those). I understand that meeting new people is hard, but in your advantage now is that you do not have to meet face3 to face. Take advantage of that for now. I love meeting new people wherever they are. It is hard to reach out with your fear, but, when you do, it could have a lot of positive benefits for you in the short term and for the longer run too.

If you want to connect, as an acquaintance, PM me.

Allie

[Alice Torn]

Star01 I am 66, no friends in my region, and my 3 cats are all i have, and life would be almost not worth living without them. I cannot use the R word, either, but have lost almost al my friends from the R. One day at a time. I did got to a VA therapist for a number of yrs, and she helped me fell ok with being a cd. I still struggle with guilt and shame though,and now, i only dress about once a month. It has been a conflct all my life, and i know only death will end that. I have had to learn to value my maleness. and accept i have a fem side, and i look pretty good all dolled up, evn though i feel shame yet.

- - - Updated - - -

Don't be too hard on you. We are complex beings. We are adaptive and go through many changes in life. I have had to accept this fem side of me, and also my maleness, and get a balance, and at age 66, know i am not going to become TS. For a number of practical reasons , i must keep my cding under control and not let it control my whole life, even though, Alice is always there. Ond day at a time, accepting the things i cannot change, and to be good to myself, with all my complexity and being a highly sensitive person, whether in coveralls working on my truck in sub zero frigid weather, or inside in a dress, wig, hose and heels. One day at time, be good to you and others. A pet really helps too. A living being to share life with and companionship. I have 3 cats/

[Star01]

Alice Torn, I can relate to working on vehicles in sub zero weather. That is a way of life where I live in the upper Midwest.

It is good to know that there are so many of us in similar circumstances dealing with the ups and downs of this crazy life.

[Stevie Allyn]

Alice,

Would you be able to adopt a dog that is good with cats?

The reason I ask is that as someone who loves cats (having had a maximum of five for most of the last twenty years) adopting a dog and taking her out for walks has been an amazingly easy way to get chatting to other people and making new friends.

Maybe that's not an option for you now, but worth considering if it ever becomes available.

Stevie, Algy cat, Flori cat, Bunny and Loki dogs.

[CD Rachel]

Pets do help. I have two cats Holiday who was a foster cat and was not supposed to stay but I loved her too much to let her go and Corona. He showed up as a stray this past March just after everything shut down. He is a handsome long haired cat.

Rachel

[MonicaPVD]

LED bulbs. They're all the rage.

[CarlaWestin]

Rachel, that's quite a tall order question. Do you need for everyday to be brighter or do you just need to appreciate the rain?
As an older person, I've learned to always be honest, first to myself and secondly to others, even if the truth is painful.
Own every situation in your life. My father would tell me, "If it happens to you, it's your fault. Own it." Finding out who to blame doesn't fix any problem.
It's not just talking to crowds, it's talking to one thing called the group.
When ordering a pizza, rehearse the opening dialog in your head and exhale slightly before you speak.

I deal with clinical anxiety on a continuous basis. Sometimes it is like being drenched in liquid fear.
But I own it.

[Cassiek]

Rachel. You are definitely taking the right steps with seeing a therapist. After my ex wife left my I too thought the world ended and there was no hope in sight. She threatened to ?out? me to everyone and destroy me. I even thought of ending it. Im a cop and had all the means to do the deed but decided to reach out to a friend and was directed to call a psychiatrist that he saw. Best move of my life. It?s been 2 years. I look forward to talking to him every 2 weeks. He knows of my dressing history and says who cares how you dress. I can rant on forever but just remember that including the therapist you are going to see there are many self proclaimed therapists with real life experiences and huge hearts here to help.

[Aka_Donna]

I agree with others, too many changes. Simplify. See this article for a good mindset: https://news.stanford.edu/2020/12/18/norwegian-mindset-winter-might-help-covid-19-world/

[CD Rachel]

Monica,

OMG it took me way too long to get that...... LOL

Rachel

[LilSissyStevie]

When younger I suffered from social anxiety and anxiety in general that was off the scale. I still have it a little but am able to push through it now. I couldn't talk on the phone or to people I didn't know. When I drove any distance, I would have the steering wheel in such a death grip that I would have to take a couple of minutes to peel my fingers off when I reached my destination. I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw would lock up. I had panic attacks daily where I was sure I was dying, especially in social situations. I was completely dysfunctional sexually so ran away from girls that seemed to be attracted to me. I constantly questioned my sexual orientation and my gender identity - what is nowadays called Homosexual OCD and Transgender OCD. Sometimes it would get to be too much and I would enter a kind of dissociative state where I would go about my life but felt completely detached from my body and was just an observer watching myself do stuff but not having any control over it or feeling any emotions. I would be completely dead inside. Usually I would snap out of it after a week or so but then had the anxiety of thinking that one day I would check out and never come back. I was deathly afraid of falling asleep so would stay up until I passed out or would self medicate with anything that would knock me out. I was seeing a psychiatrist but couldn't be open or honest with him. I didn't trust anyone, especially doctors. I felt like an alien on a lost planet surrounded by monsters. I lived in a constant state of terror.

What turned it around was just hitting bottom and realizing that everything I feared was better than the anxiety I felt about it, even death. I was self-centered in the extreme. The solution was to get out of myself since "I" was the problem. It's a simple idea that's very, very difficult for someone like me to execute. But I've made progress over the last 45 years. I've developed a lot of tricks to get me out of myself whenever I start feeling too anxious. One thing that helped me came from my wife. One time we were going to perform some music and I got a bad case of stage fright and told her I just couldn't do it. She suggested that it wasn't about me, it was about the music. I should think about presenting the music and not myself. I was just an instrument for the music to pass through. That worked so good that I try to apply it to other areas of my life. Being a father is not about me, it's about my children. Being a husband isn't about me, it's about her and so on. Little "tricks" like that get me through. Although I don't practice them perfectly or even well, but it's enough that I can say life is good today and sometimes even wonderful. Good luck and think "Progress rather than perfection."

[CD Rachel]

LilSissyStevie,

Thank you for that advice. I will try to apply it to my situations. Not too different then what my wife told me. She said to stop thinking of your self and instead learn to do for others. So maybe i will look into doing some volunteer work. Something to think about.

Rachel

[candykowal]

I was seeing a psychiatrist during my late teens and I had some of those traits. :sad:
Most were attributed to a lifestyle of caffeine addiction and a thyroid disorder.
I had to control with no coffee and medication with regular blood tests.
I learned to control anxiety a bit, I do think most of us have it...took me a week to cancel my auto insurance for my garage queen.
It really does take a "Leap of Faith" to get out or even get on a zoom meeting to meet new people.:daydreaming:
You have to think you have to have faith the person you meet will be kind and easy going, as if they were all naked when you meet them!
As Carla mentioned, I also rehearse what I want to say, even write down now I am getting older.
Meeting new people today is a lot easier as I expect nothing from anyone and always enter with a smile and a hello if received.:battingeyelashes:
If I get personal question, I have a few off the cuff comments to go to if they are strangers.
"Wouldn't you like to know" as I continue to walk if I don't want to chat or share.
I try to keep meetings on my own terms, and if I want to walk away, I do so....taking charge of your mental health is priority #1.
People are pretty resilient, especially those who deal with people everyday.
Good luck in your health, I bet you have a chemical imbalence...with todays fast food and diets, I bet we can assume you are not alone!:doh:

[MsEva]

Hi Rachel,
First I must commend your approach to these issues. I can see that you have given a bunch of thought about it. I hope you don't overthink it. Do what is right for you at this time. I wish you peace.
Secondly I see that you are from NE PA, that is where I spent my formative years growing up and feeling so alone in the Mid Valley area. It is nice to see another girl from there. BTW great pizza up there. Here is to 2021 and hopefully a better and brighter year.