When to stop

[Angela Marie]

As I have pointed out in some threads I have begun doing my nails and going out in public. This is in addition to my regular wearing of leggings. I'm sure many of you have gone through this incremental approach to coming out. It seems very exciting but at the same time scary. At some point I'm going to have to say "this is as far as I go" since i'm not going to transition. If any of you have had the same experience how did you handle it?

[Ericka_d]

It only becomes permanent if you allow it to. You can stop doing every vanity thing tomorrow, and be fine. Surgery, and permanent make up are two things. That a normal cd usually dosn't do. Once you cross that line. There is usually no turning back.

As for me. I was deep in the closet about me being trans. The vanity stuff became permanent to a degree over time, and my gender dysphoria got worst. I never stopped doing the stuff, but the more I did them. The more and more I opened up, I'm now 4 weeks in to hormones. Best decision I have ever made.

[Geena75]

Like many things in life, you must take a thoughtful, balanced approach. First and foremost -- be honest; both with yourself and those around you. Then address where you would like to end up, and honestly consider the cost (how it will affect the relationships with those around you, and how much you value those relationships). What aspects of life will be affected or even lost? In the end, make decisions which achieve the balance between your wants and needs, and the costs you are willing to bear. Where that point of stopping will be depends on the individual.

[Pumped]

At some point I'm going to have to say "this is as far as I go" since i'm not going to transition.

I am nowhere as for "out" as you are. still just dressing at home with no real plans to venture out, at least not fully dressed.

I am afraid for many CD'ing is like "boiling the frog". One day you try on panties, then the next is is panties and bra, then dresses, then next thing you know, but it might be years, you are out 100% dressed to pass. Also you can certainly go full on CD, dress to pass, dress 100% of the time and not transition.

Years ago I would have never ventured out in high heel booties, but today I do regularly. Never planned on going out of the house with spike heel knee boots, but I did the other evening, granted it was under the cover of darkness, and never anywhere public, but how far or where the next time? Also I went out for a drive with my wife and who knows? Get a flat tire, fender bender, or stopped by the cops and I would have been standing along the road in high heels.

Only you can answer how far! And I doubt you can answer that question, because we seem to like to stretch our limits, just a tiny bit at a time, although some stretch the limits at a supersonic pace!

[Karren H]

By the time you think it is time to stop... you probably already went farther than you should have and farther than you ever expected to. So just keep progressing. If you stop short... you will always wonder what if... keep going and .... Someday you will look back on it as an amazing adventure.

[Robertacd]

At some point I'm going to have to say "this is as far as I go" since i'm not going to transition.

Why? There's nothing that says anyone has to transition.

I know plenty of Crossdressers that go out in public all the time fully dressed and have no desire to transition.

[udcd]

Only you will know when it’s time to stop.. you have done well and gotten comfortable with a tempered evolution. Congrats for that. Keep it on your terms and everything will be fine.

[Aunt Kelly]

So... you are wondering "where it should stop", but you've decided that you're "not going to transition". How is it that you're so sure of one thing but not the other? I do not mean to sound flip, but it does sound like you're still not clear on who you are/what you need. That's fine, and fairly common, but you should at least consider doing what needs to be done to get that sorted. Sooner is better than later, trust me.

[docrobbysherry]

Yes, I stopped doing my nails after the very first time, Angela!:thumbsup:

Not only did I have explain the red stains on my fingers to my date that nite after I thot I removed it?:sad:
It made my hands look like "lipstick on a pig"!:doh:

But, the way? There's A LOT of room between, "I put on nail polish", and transitioning!:heehee:

[Teresa]

Angela,
It depends what you consider transition , nowdays it's not all or nothing , the fact some can't take HRT and go onto surgery doesn't doen't change how they feel inside . It's really deciding what is comfortable for you , I've asked the question in the NB section , " Do I need more ?"

[Maid_Marion]

For me it is a cost benefit analysis. I have a short hourglass figure so I'm not dysphoric about my body. I don't see the benefits of HRT or surgery outweighing the risks.

I grew up in a tiny place where people learned to make do with what was available. You could order a refrigerator and wait a couple months for it to arrive via boat.

I've been carefully gaining a little weight because I realized I can fill in my top and bottom a little more while still keeping a very thin waistline.
As well as keep my doctor happy by keeping all my lab test numbers in the normal range. :)

Marion

[Cheryl T]

I don't know what "boiling the frog" is so I'll just say this.
I began long ago with mom's panties. Yes, it progressed to other things and eventually going out in public which I love. I need to be a part of society as a woman, it's just my nature.
That being said, I'm now in retirement, dress daily and am so close to full time. With all that I won't be transitioning, due to a multitude of factors. It's not that I've "stopped" it's that at present I've reached the point where my life is satisfying in itself and I don't feel the need for more. Yes, I think about it, but the Need isn't there now. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't.
It's not stopping, it's a stop along the way.

[Star01]

Cheryl T, the boiling frog analogy refers to an urban myth that if a frog is put in boiling water it will immediately jump out but if they are put in tepid water and the temperature is raised slowly they will stay in the water and boil. This analogy refers to people not realizing the danger of a situation until it's too late. I have heard it used in a spiritual context to illustrate how a pattern of bad behavior can overtake a person before they are aware of their peril. In the case of crossdressing it would pertain to a person thinking they can add "just one more thing" and before they know it they're all in. I like the sound of the all in part but I'm still sitting in tepid water.

[Gi Gondin]

Like many things in life, you must take a thoughtful, balanced approach. First and foremost -- be honest; both with yourself and those around you. Then address where you would like to end up, and honestly consider the cost (how it will affect the relationships with those around you, and how much you value those relationships). What aspects of life will be affected or even lost? In the end, make decisions which achieve the balance between your wants and needs, and the costs you are willing to bear. Where that point of stopping will be depends on the individual.

Can?t think of a better answer than that. Thank you Geena for such a balanced approach!

In my case, other than trying to do what Geena suggested I count on my girlfriend as a double check.

[MonicaPVD]

I hope you are sitting down when you read this. Your "incremental" approach is only incremental inside your head. The minute the world sees you in leggings and with pretty nails, you might as well be wearing a miniskirt, 5" heels and a long blonde wig. You. Are. Out. Just enjoy yourself. Stop placing imaginary limitations on your personal expression. Just like there is no half-pregnancy, there is no incremental approach to public presentation as a crossdresser.

[Teresa]

Monica,
I feel Angela is making that move from crossdressing to accept being TG and taking transition steps , many do take the incremental approach to build up confidence and also depending on acceptance from close family . I admit I reached the point where I forgot to remove my nail varnish when I had to do male mode , some people noticed and some didn't .

[Pumped]

But Theresa, Angela said this, At some point I'm going to have to say "this is as far as I go" since I'm not going to transition., so I guess she has no intention of presenting as a woman 100% of the time, and also going the full on medical transition, hormones, operations and the like. It appears to me she intends on stopping at crossdressing, but to what degree. To what extent, dabble, dress here and there, or dress pretty much 100%. Then there is the question, Do you dress as a woman, and try to pass, or stay fluid and float between the MIAD too full on passing.

[jacques]

hello Angela,
you WILL know when you have reached your happy place.
luv J

[ShelbyDawn]

For me it was kind of like having kids, you'll know you're there when you've gone too far.
Of course with dressing you can usually just back up a step, kids, you're stuck with... :laughing:



PS. This is a joke, I love both my sons very much and as challenging as they are, could not possibly be more proud of them.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I's actually a simple math problem.

Suppose there are two opposite walls in a room, one named "Male" and the other named "Female".

Start with your back against the "Male" wall and walk half way to the "Female" wall. From that position, walk half way to the "Female" wall again. And again. And again ... It can be proven that you can keep this up forever and never get to the "Female" wall, but get close enough for all practical purposes.

[Devi SM]

I was a crossdresser, now I'm a trans, full time? There's no such thing, it's not about dressing, more femenine or androgynous, it's about what you are.
Why I'm a transgender? Because I was born as a male but my life was moving inexorably to be a woman, not to live as one.

Many here believe that painting their nails, or wearing a skirt or dress, leggings makes them be more femenine.

Once I asked here how a female crossdresser express her feminity in a nudist beach, many answered with some accessory....
To dress as a woman is an unconcious external expression of what we are inside.

There's no such wall of male or female. You can find today that the lgbt movement keep adding letters to express the diversity. Some give excuses to not "transition" but they are already transition. Once you start to desire, enjoy to dress as the opposite sex traditionally does so you're a cross-dress-er you already cross the line there's no return, you belong to this movement of lgbt+ and add your own letter, you're a human being, not different, there's no human being identical to other so all we are different.

I'd said several times, one day, may be 20 or 30 more years, to talk about lgbt...will be so weird as today to talk about slavery, that's history...

So when to stop? Stop what? living? Being yourself? Lying to the world? Lying to yourself? There's no stop....

Mho.

Devi

[Maria_mtf]

I's actually a simple math problem.

Suppose there are two opposite walls in a room, one named "Male" and the other named "Female".

Start with your back against the "Male" wall and walk half way to the "Female" wall. From that position, walk half way to the "Female" wall again. And again. And again ... It can be proven that you can keep this up forever and never get to the "Female" wall, but get close enough for all practical purposes.

Solved with Maths, thats awesome!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Angela :hugs:, The Crossdressers Handbook says, "The only Rule is, There are No Rules ! "

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[GretchenM]

Quite true Orchid. Even though we all show some kind of gender variance the way of addressing and doing that is highly individualized. Any rules are often so generalized they really are not of much value. Our needs vary tremendously, even though there may be generalized similarities in how we address that aspect of who we are. Sometimes we don't really know what works and what doesn't. That is where experimentation comes into play. We should not be afraid to try different things because how you think it will "feel" or "fit" is sometimes not even close to what the reality is like.

If you have never gone public with nail polish then give it a try, but make sure your application is done well. One thing to consider on that though is nail polish on large, male hands will draw attention to those hands and large hands may clash with the rest of your expression in the eyes of others or if you are trying to be passable or presentable as a woman. Some females have large hands, but rarely are they as distinctive as the size and shape of male hands. Females usually have thinner and longer fingers; long nails can help produce that sense if your fingers are thicker and shorter as is the case with most males. But there are no rules on that. You gotta try it and see what happens.

[Krisi]

You are in charge of what you do. You decide how far to go and where and when to stop. So, it's entirely up to you.

My limit is, I don't want other people (other than my wife) to know that I am a crossdresser. That means when I am out as a male, I am all male. I do go out on occasion as a female, but in that case, I'm all female and I take care that nobody can see me leaving my house dressed as a female.

All dolled up and away from my neighborhood and usual hangouts, I am not recognizable as my male self.

[Micki_Finn]

I’m not a strong believer in the “slowly coming out” theory. Using that method, at some point you’re going to have to cross the uncanny valley.

[Maid_Marion]

It is really obvious when you are in the uncanny valley. People's eyes dart around looking for gender clues.

Marion

[Teresa]

Pumped ,
Maybe Angela needs to explain what her definition of transition is otherwise what does stopping actually mean , I feel Devi is trying to make that point . I guess Blue sums it up by pointing out there are no rules .

Gretchen ,
I feel my painted nails take the emphasis off my large hands because they look more feminine . I agree women can have large hands but possibly not hairy ones which is why I have to shave them every morning.

Devi ,
Surely moving more to being a woman means you will live as one , at least that's how it is for me .

I can't see the logic in asking a TG if they haven't had surgery how they can express their femininity on a nudist beach , I'm assuming everyone is wearing very dark glasses .

[Beverley Sims]

Just keep practicing and stay safe.

Nothing like having support to help you.

You don't need to stop, just mark time occasionally and take another step forward if the need arises.