Children and coming out

[Crisack]

There's alot of information on this board and I've seen some things that talked about this but wanted to know a little more. For those of you that have come out to your children, at what age did you reveal yourself to them and what were the responses?

I'd like to come out to my daughter and I'm sure she would just think it was silly and no big deal. The only problem is that I'd like to only come out to those I trust (as I'm sure you all understand) without having her think it's something horrible you have to hide. I'd like to hear your stories if you'd share.

[DonnaT]

I came out to my kids last year. Ages (mine: 50, son's 27, daughter's 26).

My son said he already knew from things on my computer, and is OK with it.

My daughter hasn't discussed it. She saw my avatar and somehow knew right away it was of a tranny, but she didn't know it was me until my wife told her who it was.

[sharifemme]

I have three kids all out on their own. Two sons and a daughter.

We told my daughter (the oldest) by letter when we were worried another family member might find out and blab. I wouldn't want my wife or kids to find out from someone else. My daughter is a lesbian and I'm afraid I gave her a bad time when she came out to us. When I told her about Shari, I apologized for that because the only real reason was that I felt I was to blame because transgender and I was also jealous that she had the courage to come out and I didn't.

We sold a used car to my younger boy and even though I thought I had cleaned it out pretty good, I had left a brochure from the old Southern Tier Gals transgender group stashed in the owners manual. I gave his sister permission to tell him about Shari and he seems to be fine with it. He hasn't actually seen me en femme though.

I haven't told my older boy because of the possibility of losing contact with him, his wife, and my granddaughter. I love them dearly That would be more than we could bear. HOWEVER, he may already know. He is quite close to the other two children and they may have mentioned it to him.

My wife and daughter accompanied me and a couple of other TGs to a drag show at the Clemens Center in Elmira a couple of years ago. I was wearing a nice red dress at the time and she thought we all had a great time. She wants to go out with Shari again sometime.

Sharifemme



There's alot of information on this board and I've seen some things that talked about this but wanted to know a little more. For those of you that have come out to your children, at what age did you reveal yourself to them and what were the responses?

I'd like to come out to my daughter and I'm sure she would just think it was silly and no big deal. The only problem is that I'd like to only come out to those I trust (as I'm sure you all understand) without having her think it's something horrible you have to hide. I'd like to hear your stories if you'd share.

[Julia Cross]

I don't have any children of my own, but did have two younger step children in my past marriage. I never told them, not that I was uncomfrotable about who I was, it was that I didn't feel telling them was more important than not telling them. My reasoning was that one was a a teen the other entering his teens and given the pressures of that age and a brocken marriage as well as insecurities that come with that age, I felt it was unfair to dump something like this on them, knowing full well they would feel it would embarras them if my secret was found out by their friends and they might be teased.

The reality is, there was no real need for them to know at that time, it's not like I needed to prance around the house all dolled up every minute of the day.

When it comes to children, all of us have different situations. In mine, they were not my natural born kids, and were raised with a different understanding of such sensitive issues. For others, perhaps the parents will have done such a great job in instilling self confidence and understanding and acceptance of differences that their children may do well with this knowledge.

In my opinion, if you are unsure of how they will react and unsure if they can appreciate the gravity of what you are about to tell them, and especially if your partner isn't backing you 100%, then you probably should wait until they are old enough and mature enough to make their own decision about it. If your children are adults, all you really need to worry about is if they will respect your lifesytle. if this seems questionable, then why tell them, how will it change what you do?

I find it amazing how many of us feel the need to tell others. Yes it is nice and actually healthy to not keep secrets, but we also don't need to tell everybody every detail of our private lives, especially if the disclosure isn't going to change how you crossdress in the first place. If you are transitioning, then I understand the need for coming out, but if you dress in private for your own enjoyment and have no plans of going public, why does everyone need to know?

I have told my closest friends, simply because as my marriage was falling apart, mainly because my partner couldn't cope with dressing but otherwise was still my closest friend, I didn't want those who knew us to question her and have ill feelings toward her. I respected her decision, it wasn't what she wanted out of live, just as dressing was what I wanted in my life.

I hope this long winded point of view didn't bore you.

All the best.

Julia

[Sharon]

I told my children (20's and 30's) last year, and while my being a CD didn't upset them too much, they haven't handled my also being TS well at all. Time hasn't much softened the news for them either.:sad:

[joannejoanne]

Although my wife has known from day one, my Son we have never told, almost 100% he would reject, I told my daughter when she was 18 and does not seem bothered at all as long has i am not dressed when she brings friends around, good thing is she has now left home but always rings up to check if she is bringing some one to visit. One of the biggest shocks i got was when i told a gay friend thinking he would understand, he was absolutely appalled with me and hasn't spoken since. Any way rambling again, Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Darlene Rochelle]

I have not yet told my daughter. She is 15 and on the advice of my therapist I have held off telling her. Age 15 is a tough age for kids. If she ever asks me I will tell her the truth.:)

[GypsyKaren]

I told my kids (32, 31, 28) that I was ts last year, they're all cool with it, though they don't understand it. My daughter said after I told her "just make sure you don't learn how to walk in heels before I do". I told her it was a little late for that.

Karen

[Joy Carter]

I feel no need to come out to no one I think it would be devestating to all who know me. What would be the point ? Would it make me more acceptable to them or the rest of the world ? I don't think so.:thumbsdn:

[Kayla Smith]

I came out to both of my daughters(14 and 12) last August due to the fact they were starting to ask questions that could not be easily answered. After I got though telling them and showing them all of Kayla's clothes. All they said was"Oh, Ok" and went back to watching TV. My daughters have went with me to my monthly Tri-Ess meeting and have no problems with my CDing.

Both of my daughters have told me that they think that it is really neat because it is like having a mom and a dad at the same time.

[carol ann]

I wouldn't because i love them too much to want to risk disturbing my relationship with them

[Crisack]

...

I find it amazing how many of us feel the need to tell others. Yes it is nice and actually healthy to not keep secrets, but we also don't need to tell everybody every detail of our private lives, especially if the disclosure isn't going to change how you crossdress in the first place. If you are transitioning, then I understand the need for coming out, but if you dress in private for your own enjoyment and have no plans of going public, why does everyone need to know?...



Julia

My child may be moving in with me. I live alone so there is no one to "blame" the stockings or lipstick on. So I either tell her or I stop dressing. I'm not broken. I'm not a horrible person. There is nothing wrong with me. I do understand the mentality of the local area so, no, everyone doesn't need to know. Someone as close as my child is not "everyone". I believe I know how she will react, she's my kid. I'd like to hear everyone's story, not to figure out IF I'm going to tell her but WHEN and HOW I'm going to tell her. I'm looking for advice so when I talk to her it doesn't sound like I AM broken. I also thought it'd be nice to hear everyone else's story in case something happened indirectly that I haven't considered.

[Crisack]

And thank you everyone for your stories =)

[Delila]

my wife and i are still discussing when we will have children i am very interested in how other people introduce this to their children. I am of the mindset that if it is introduced as a normal thing at a very young age that the child will grow up knowing that crossdressing is just something that is a normal part of life and hopefully be more accepting of anyone who is different from society standards. If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this please let me know.

[sparks]

I couln't even imagine telling them! I Stand with Joy on this one! It may devastate them! Neither are old enough to understand it fully anyway! But time will tell if it is a necessary thing! But right now wouldn't dream of it!

[Mandy Salamander]

actually,,, my daughter had seen me in halloween drag and as magenta on rocky horror nights even at a very young age, and was always raised t' be most tolerant as well,,,,, soooo,,, was quite comfortable telling her when she was 'bout 16,,, just prior to a period when i lived full-time,(temporarily),,,,,,,,,,,,, being long divorced, tho' had custody for several years, 'n living alone, 'cept for her frequent visits,,, i believe she had made discoveries that led her to suspect,,,,,,,,,,,, anyhoots, she has not only been accepting, but most supportive as well,,, in fact, she (and her friends, as well) think it's "cool!!!",,,,,,,,,,,, 'n doo feel free to PM or email 'f you wish...

[Delila]

I've dressed in front of my children since they were infants. So, since they see me both ways, they don't think anything's wrong. Completely comfortable with it (so far).


how old are your children now and if they are of school age has there been any questioning about boys and girls clothes?

[Julia Cross]

My child may be moving in with me.

Crisack, you need to divulge more information if you want a more direct response. You didn't mention your daughter wasn't living with you and you didn't mention you are living alone. And you did not as of yet divulge the extent of your dressing. Nor did you tell us her age.

If you want a response more specific to your situation, then be forthright with information about yourself.

My response was very general and my opinion. I did not attack you, I stated a few scenarios.

The reality is, children are by nature curious and down right honest. If you need to tell her about her daddies other side then you need to be aware of the possible consequences. In my response I mentioned that I didn't feel MY stepchildren needed to know as I wasn't needing anyone outside of the house to know. If my lifestyle was such that dressing was a daily part of it and I had to, then I would have told them or in my case, likely moved out as I believe they didn't need this burden at this time in their lives.

This was my situation, not yours, not anyone elses.

You need to decide what you can and cannot live with and you need to decide how much information your child can handle at his or her age.

Julia

[angie_pacd]

I tried very hard to hide it from my 3 children. But one day my 30yr old daughter walked in on me, I was in babydoll and panty. Imagine how embaressing. To my surprise she was fine with it. But I dont want the other 2 to find out. Angie

[Crisack]

...

If you want a response more specific to your situation, then be forthright with information about yourself.

My response was very general and my opinion. I did not attack you, I stated a few scenarios.



Julia
Hiya Julia,
I didn't take it as an attack on me, I dont' know enough about anyone here to think it was personal in anyway. It did seem to me that you were giving me advice on my specific situation so I filled in the gaps of what you were asking. That's all =)

I didn't think specific information was needed to hear anyone else's story. I get the feeling that even though we all dress, we all hail from different walks of life. I appreciate your input, Julia, I'm sorry if my response sounded harsher than was intended. The last thing I would want to do is cause drama in our little community.

I did recieve this link from a member
This Link (http://www.proudparenting.com/page.cfm?sectionid=77&typeofsite=storydetail&ID=800&storyset=yes)

(Thanks Julie :D )

Which has more information for coming out to children. I hope others find it useful as it seems to be!

[Tamara Barclay]

My 14 year old son is dealing with enough right now!!!!
I really feel it would be selfish on my part to burden him with it. So..I can't dress when I want to..so what. There are alot of things I can't do anymore because of my kids (road trips, buying vintage toys)....it is called being an parent.

Just my opinion....different things work for different people.

[size7satin]

Well I told my oldest now 18 I would say when she was about 9-10. My 2 younger ones well they have grown up knowing what girly items were dads when they helped with folding the laundry.

I know my kids will talk about it with someone besides me be it in school or someone in their life. I hope that when they do ask their questions it will be me they ask. I hope I build so much trust & love with my kids that they will always know that I will alway love and support them in the same manner that they have for me.

Only a handful of people seen S7S, I don't make it known but if they were to find out, I don't really care.

It's your call on telling anyone including your kids.

[Crisack]

I'm wondering as I read this thread, how many CD think they are doing something wrong? Seriously, is it better to perpetuate the "normal" male role model to the next generation just to make sure we are not uncomfortable? How is it selfish to want to let someone else know there is more to you than what they think? I've been in conversations with people that adamently believe there was something wrong with my people. Should I have not told them that I was Hawaiian? It's part of who I am.

Since when is it wrong to be yourself? I can understand there are certain norms we all try and adhere to but if harmless things are kept in the closet, it will never be a norm. Yes, wearing clothes is harmless... unless they are made of barbed wire and glass. :p Will my child being teased at school ruin her life? No. Will lying to her make her think that lying is okay? Might. There are situations that would warrent the deceit and if you're in that situation, I understand. Definately a touchy subject. Here's the thing though, there's nothing wrong with you!!! Don't let anyone tell you that. Well, unless you like necrophilia while dressed, then there might be something wrong with you, lol.

This is from a link I found on the subject a link (http://www.cdspub.com/cope04.html)


What would the consequences be if the children "found out"? Did we want to share it with them ourselves at a time of our choosing, or did we want to trust to luck? The odds of hiding it did not seem good. From the "age of reason" to adulthood, our children would be at home over 50,000 days, each day representing a chance of discovery. If the children did find out, it would almost certainly be in an atmosphere of guilt and shame. What emotional trauma would they sustain? Above all this whirlpool would hover the issue of trust that binds a family together. How would we deal with the hurt in their eyes as they asked, "Why couldn't you trust us with this?" The last question decided the issue for us. Inclined by nature to openness, we decided to be honest with our children.

This is not an attack on anyone. This is just where I'm coming from. I'm tired of the deceit to the ones I hold the dearest. If that's not your situation, then it's not directed at you.

Now, to get back on topic, if you've COME OUT to your children, at what age did you come out to them and what were there responses?



P.S. I also came across this link that had some good info on it for those that are in a similar situation.

this link (http://www.ren.org/rbp04.html)

[Caitlintgsd]

Last night I took my 9 y/o daughter to dinner and a movie. In between dinner and the movie she stated "You went out in a dress last night". I have no idea how she figured that out. And I'm fairly sure that her older brother (16 y/o) knows as well. She didn't want to discuss it any further than that. So perhaps another time...

[Cheery GG]

This is a good thread, and one question which i ponder a lot myself...i have two children from a previous relatinship...two boys aged ten and seven. They know nothing of Lisa....only in boy mode....they adore him, why change that ?

But sometimes i do think , that maybe it would make them better people as they grow up, to be accepting of people from various backgrounds....to be anti discriminatory, anti racial, anti...everything really....

I think its something that may be discussed as they grow older, at the moment i think they would be a little too young to understand...maybe they dont need to understand in the same way adults would.....oh i dont know....what the hell am i on about ????????????

cheery
xx

[Julie Avery]

There is a school of thought on this which holds that if you're going to disclose a parents' crossdressing to a child, it's preferable to do so before rather than during adolescence.

[Cheery GG]

Julie,

Im just wondering where that school of thought came from, as i too have wondered when is the right time.....im also thinking that maybe before they have too many questions, when theyre more accepting of things just that way because they are...im also thinking maybe before their own hormones kick in would be a good idea....

cheery
xx

[Julie Avery]

I haven't got links saved but have come across the argument several times that it's better, if you're going to disclose, to disclose before the hormonal/emotional/identity hurricanes of adolescence strike. One reason in tune with this line of thinking, that may not be as obvious as others I've seen offered in its defense, is that most adolescents are somewhat embarassed by their parents, who just aren't "cool" in their eyes, so adding a quirky gender issue to the mix could make that more acute. That's a consideration that I suppose is more geared toward "is this a good thing for the parent", than "is this a good thing for the child."

In my own case, I no longer have the choice to disclose my crossdressing to my child before adolescence, as I have an adult daughter and a teenaged stepson.

[sportschick]

Through this forum, I've managed to get over feeling guilty or wrong about CDing, but no way would I ever share it with anyone..except another CDer if that were possible. Too much pain and misery on my family's part, and since my need to dress is very infrequent, and I keep the clothes in a storage locker away from home and don't dress at home, it's well enough left alone.

[Ellaine]

My child may be moving in with me. I live alone so there is no one to "blame" the stockings or lipstick on. So I either tell her or I stop dressing. I'm not broken. I'm not a horrible person. There is nothing wrong with me. I do understand the mentality of the local area so, no, everyone doesn't need to know. Someone as close as my child is not "everyone". I believe I know how she will react, she's my kid. I'd like to hear everyone's story, not to figure out IF I'm going to tell her but WHEN and HOW I'm going to tell her. I'm looking for advice so when I talk to her it doesn't sound like I AM broken. I also thought it'd be nice to hear everyone else's story in case something happened indirectly that I haven't considered.


Just wanted to say...I love the way you are going about this. :)

For a change, I have no sage sugestions lol
Sincere best wishes xx

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife and I made a decision to raise our kids with full knowledge of my crossdressing. We did that and it worked out fine. Our daughter is 30 and our son is 26. Neither of them had a problem with it while growing up or since. I did, however greatly restrict my dressing around the house when they were teenagers and had friends often dropping by to see them unexpectedly.

[rhondasxycd]

I became a single parent thru divorce when my son had just turned five years old..I repressed my dressing most of the time while married.. But like alot of others that desire becomes stronger for some reason when i'm single..Anyway I forgot it was an early school day for my son who was thirteen by then..The door was locked but he has a key..( it was a two bedroom one floor apt.)he was in the door before i had a chance to do anything !!! I was in full dress hair makeup everything !!!! He was shocked too say the least!!! But we talked a bit about it... Later that day while i was driving him too an after school activity he said don't worry dad i still loveya !!! weather you wear womens cloths or mens..He's sixteen now and lives with his mother in another state... ( for other reasons not my dressing more family friends etc.) He does visit often..Although its something I don't and don't ever plan on doing in his presence...But he was just here over spring break.. I thought i cleaned all my pictures off the computer..Then a cpl. days before he left he had used my digital camera and took pics for his myspace page.. and i didn't realize i still had picture folders still on there!!! I didn't realize untill like the next day that he had too see them there....He didn't say anything.. neither did i but i thought maybe i should..But the rest of the weekend went normal talking going out etc.Pretty normal ... But it has left me wondering a bit about the pics i'm sure he saw ..unless he didn't open any of the folders

[Glenda]

Like a lot of us, I'm divorced. Not for being a CD because I hadn't even recognized my desire to dress en femme until after I was divorced, raised the kids, put them through college, etc. Once I was exposed to crossdressing I was hooked. It explained a lot of the feelings and attractions I had while growing up and I realized that it was something I was meant to do.

Being single, I didn't have any trouble finding the time to let Glenda out. Then one of my sons got into financial trouble and asked to move in with me while he got his situation straightened out. I raised my sons to be honest and to believe that family would love and accept them no matter what they did. I had a choice. Put the clothes and wigs in the closet or trust what I had always told them.

There was no choice. Me being me......I had to be honest with them. To do otherwise would not do at all. I came clean. It hasn't been a problem. I'm still Dad. I'm still loved.

Reading the replies to your post I can see that many, if not most of us still feel shame and guilt. That's just the way it is. We want acceptance. We want freedom. We don't want others to judge or ridicule us. I understand that not everyone can come out. Those of us who can should. Only you know the relationship that you have with your kids.