Chocolate

[DianeT]

(Ciphered transcription begins)

So you love chocolate. A bit too much. One day, you decide it's time to quit chocolate. So you throw away every tablet you hid in secret drawers. But soon enough you feel the urge of trying chocolate again and buy new tablets, and indulge once more. At some point you realize that the taste for chocolate is a part of your life, it is a defining trait of your personality and you will never really get away from it.

My question is for members who purged their tablets: why did you do it?
Was it because you felt guilty or ashamed of your taste for sweets?
Or because it made your life too complicated?
Because you thought that hiding the tablets would make the desire go away?


-- EDIT --
(Deciphered transcriptions follows)

My question is for members who purged their clothes: why did you do it?
Was it because you felt guilty or ashamed of your dressing?
Or because it made your life too complicated?
Because you thought that getting rid of the clothes would make the desire go away?

[char GG]

Hi Diane,

Just to clarify:

I'm going to assume this an analogy between the parallels of a CDer purging clothes or anyone purging chocolate.

[Di]

I love this DianeT
And cannot wait to read everyone’s take as to why they purged .
Over the years reading here those were exactly the reasons given for purging. Shame, makes your life complicated or will make the desire go away.
There might even be other reasons.
Please do not purge. :)

[Paulie Birmingham]

Replace chocolate with crack, meth, cigarettes, whiskey etc. and I wonder if the answers would be the same.

But what If you are diabetic or 600 lbs? Chocolate may be part of your personality, but its probably not wise to continue indulging.

Some people want to stop dressing for whatever reason. Why cant some people on this board accept and support that decision?

When I first joined this site and explained my reasons for crossdressing I was told I was wrong and that I will end up transitioning. Right, and I am going to tell my wife about this site?

We are not all the same here.

[alwayshave]

I am the rare individual who dislikes chocolate. So I could give up chocolate, but not crossdressing, in an instant.

[Maria 60]

I believe it would be like a "out of sight out of mind" theory. If you don't see the chocolate maybe you don't want it. In my experience I purged once before marriage and slowly one piece of chocolate at a time I was back. The other time was a day before I got married thinking I'm never going to put on another pair of pantyhose again in my life. That lasted for two weeks into my marriage when there was a pair of my wife's pantyhose on the floor and I put them on. That was the most dramatic moment of my life, when I finished the dirty deed with those pantyhose at that moment I realized the reality of this and it's seriousness. I refused to live the rest of my life in hiding and being a fugitive and told my wife that same night and almost leaving her with she had to except it in some form because it's not going to go away. That was 35 years ago and still married.
I regret my purges because as I stated on another post I lost some beautiful vintage slips that I can't replace.
You can run but you can't hide, it's in our blood.

[DianeT]

I'm going to assume this an analogy between the parallels of a CDer purging clothes or anyone purging chocolate.
Hi Char, busted. Absolutely.

-- EDIT --
Or not, given Micki's response below, I probably didn't get your sentence right. Chocolate was a code for dressing. No parallels.

[Micki_Finn]

Terrible analogy. No one dehumanizes you for liking chocolate.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Diane

I see your point, but for me a food item or even something like cigarette smoking would not compare. The difference is that nothing else compares because nothing else has the sexuality connotations in my mind. It has always been complicated for me and there is not a single driving factor an example: some say it calms them. That is wonderful. It is just not me.

I did a massive purge over 3 decades ago and only dabbled with the occasional clothing item for 30 years, until it came back full swing in 2017. Why did I purge back then? All because of stress. Unlike some, when I dress, I want to go out and be seen. I did not feel there was any place I could go and be accepted back then, so I put everything in garbage bags and into a dumpster one night at a hotel while traveling for work. It was a hard thing to do. As I recall, I was practically in tears doing it. In the end, none of the items I had at the time were irreplaceable, but it WAS more than throwing away money. On some level, it was an acknowledgement that I should not be dressing. More recently, once I accepted the fact that it really is ok, then purging becomes less likely - unless my stash is found in which case my wife will undoubtedly require it go in the trash.

So the part where you mentioned the realization that it is part of me does apply to me. That realization makes purging a lot less likely now. I just can not compare it to anything else.

Have a nice day.

Sandi

[Beverley Sims]

Some do it because they fear getting caught or assume they can break the habit.

[NancySue]

I?ve never purged. In fact today I?m wearing a long skirt I?d forgotten about. As far as chocolate, like us, there are so many different kinds..sweet, dark, semi-sweet, tart, etc. I don?t care for sweet chocolate, but love semi-sweet dark chocolate. To each her own.

[Teresa]

Diane,
Eating chocolate ( which I love ) or not doesn't solve my dysphoria no more than purging clothes would , so I can't see the point of giving up either . Saying that means too much chocolate will mean a new wardrobe if I eat too much .

The only sad part of this question is suggesting being TG can be solved by not wearing certain clothes , our need goes away if we don't wear something a woman would wear .
If you were looking for a possible cure if it was a simple as this I wouldn't be living the lifestyle I am .

The basic question that needs asking is how can I get acceptance for the way I feel , not see it as something that is so wrong .

[susanmichelle]

Guess this is the end for me. I just yesterday went to Walmart and purchased the largest Dove chocolate hearts bag I could find. Oh well I?ll just have to diet a bit harder in the next month or so. I?m going to enjoy my chocolate fix just like my cross dressing fix daily.

[DianeT]

Ok I think I was misunderstood by some (and understood by others). I'm talking about purging clothes. The chocolate analogy was an attempt to de-dramatize a subject that is not easy, not an attempt to compare two things. But if it ends up offending some members, then that wasn't the purpose, so let's forget the analogy.

So, yes, we are talking about purging as in a CDer purging clothes!

Apologies to those who answered thinking I was really talking about chocolate!

Rephrasing the original post in light of this:

My question is for members who purged their clothes: why did you do it?
Was it because you felt guilty or ashamed of your dressing?
Or because it made your life too complicated?
Because you thought that getting rid of the clothes would make the desire go away?

Updated OP accordingly.

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And since I didn't answer my own thread I will do now: I used to borrow a couple of pieces of my wife's clothes (not good, don't do that) since I was dressing once a year or so and didn't really "plan" my dressing ahead, it was more an impulse when an opportunity would present itself. I only started buying my own stuff a couple of years ago, came out to my wife at the end of the same year and therefore never really had reasons to purge. For this reason I was surprised to read so many testimonies about it in these forums, I didn't even know what purging meant before being here. But I didn't see a lot of members explaining why they did it.

[Karren H]

I could give up crossdressing easier than I could give up chocolate! And I have never purged either... so far. Downsized... cut back.. gone on a diet.. but not purged.

[Star01]

The difference being that my wife has never told me that she doesn't want to see or know if I eat any chocolate and would likely ask for some herself. ;)

[docrobbysherry]

I'm with, Micki. Chocolate and CDing r as similar as apples and tequila. Next time just say what u mean, Diane!:heehee:

[DianeT]

Some people want to stop dressing for whatever reason. Why cant some people on this board accept and support that decision?

When I first joined this site and explained my reasons for crossdressing I was told I was wrong and that I will end up transitioning. Right, and I am going to tell my wife about this site?

We are not all the same here.
Paulie, I will second your last sentence. I have come to consider that, even narrowly looking at the dressing alone, everyone on this board is absolutely unique, and unique in so many ways. I feel a connection with the experience of a lot of members, whether it's when they started dressing or how they dress, some of their feelings about it, couple issues they have. But I have yet to find anyone that dresses for the same reasons and with the same experience. And I guess many of you feel the same. Similar from a distance, but so different when looking up close. So we should respect difference. Not everyone will transition. Not everyone wants to be out and about. Not everyone wants to take it to the bedroom or include one's SO in it. Not everyone is thrilled to have a girlfriend wanting to dress you in sexy outfits and role play.
I think that people telling you you will never stop and do not purge are saying this from experience (maybe for transitioning also, I don't have any numbers after all). It's done with good intentions, at least most of the time.
I'm sorry that you felt not supported when trying to stop. I guess some people were convinced that you wouldn't succeed and tried to spare you the trouble and frustration. I think there are exceptions to all rules, and if you are keen on stopping, we should support you even if we warned you. One aspect, though, is that if the chances of success are known to be small, some persons will be worried that you may hide it to a SO and commit to a relationship only to find out later that the urge comes back and puts you and your SO in a difficult situation (lying, hiding, coming out, possibly breaking up). People who know this will feel a duty to warn you.

Again, I hope you find support here the next time you have to make a decision, that's what this board should be about. And this support should extend to the wives and SOs struggling with it and looking for answers, because they need our support too.

P.S. About your wife: I told my wife about this site after coming out to her and the widespread theory around here that all CDers will transition eventually (or want to but fail to because too old etc.) seriously heightened her anxiety and worsened the situation while we were already struggling with all the rest, so I sympathize with your feelings.

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In my experience I purged once before marriage and slowly one piece of chocolate at a time I was back.
This is the kind of answer I expected with my "analogy" :)

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In the end, none of the items I had at the time were irreplaceable, but it WAS more than throwing away money.

I think I see what you mean. There's a bit of ourselves, of our experiences and memories that leave us when we throw away personal objects. Also, you were saying goodbye to some meaningful part of your life. And since you did this during a travel and at night, it means you were hiding, from the crowd, maybe also from your SO, and I think a lot of use relate to the pain of knowing that what we do is frown upon or ridiculed, and will cause us to be rejected by many.

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I'm with, Micki. Chocolate and CDing r as similar as apples and tequila. Next time just say what u mean, Diane!:heehee:
As you probably guessed, I thought we could try something different for once. Lesson learned :worried:

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Terrible analogy. No one dehumanizes you for liking chocolate.
Micki, reading back Char's sentence and seeing your reaction, I realize I probably didn't get it right. There is no analogy or parallels, actually, just a codename. I explained this in post #14 above. Apologies for the confusion, English isn't my mother tongue as you can tell. I corrected my response to Char.

[candykowal]

Oh Diane, you were just making it fun. :GD:
My last purge was about 27 years ago and to this day, I grieve over all the things I hold dear in those physical memories of my youth.
I purged because it was going to complicate the relationship with a gorgeous new found younger lover....she was hot!
(she became my wife!):doll:
I learned from "ALL" my previous relationships, girls would never accept me of being anything more than just a friend; two failed engagements proved that.
I was 33 yrs old and very alone...afraid to be like my Aunt Jenny and die a Spinster.

All the clothes I had from my teenage days, and the shoe box packed of pictures of me presenting as Candice at the school play, Halloween and parties, concerts, at work, at the beauty salon with Mom, buying my first car, at the roller dome with girl friends and classmates.:daydreaming:
Those pictures were all I had to show friends today how I looked and what I did for fun, in my youth.
For clothes, I had a green Marsha Brady styled jumper and a Marlo Thomas "That Girl" style flounce blouse with tulip cuffs....Fredricks of Hollywood leopard print lingerie set, a apron my Grandmother gave me, chunky high heels dance shoes, and on and on...the clothes alone might be worth a pretty penny today.

It is why I have never purged since and why my friends today giggle at me when I take a camera with me where ever I go.
6 years ago, my old girlfriend found me on a social media site and she sent me a few pictures, she still had, of our little group.
She got a few pictures out of the high school and college yearbook, but otherwise, purging those things continue to hurt today.
You never really forget but those pictures and clothes (I love to reminisce) but having them items would make those memories even more precious. :brokenheart:

[DianeT]

Candy, I am sorry for the loss of your memories. Photographs, audio recordings (in general, not specific to dressing) and handwritten letters are to me the most precious things in my belongings, whether film or digital. If I had a fire in the house, they are the only things I would rush to pack before leaving.

[Geena75]

I have had two serious purges in the last eight years. The first one was a result of two factors: One was that I was ashamed of what I was doing and felt I had gone way too far. The other was a cross dresser who I was in regular contact with on this site chose to go the distance and transition completely, destroying a marriage and straining family relations. It grieved me to see someone's life go through that sort of turmoil, and frankly it scared me (I truly hope the individual found peace and happiness on this road). I ditched my dress, shoes and underwear, resolved to end it.

The second purge was the result of feeling that I simply was inadequate as a crossdresser -- I would never pass, nor go out in public, so what was the use. Dissatisfied with what I saw in the mirror or photos, I tossed dresses, two pair shoes, bras, panties.

Now, I am actually pretty satisfied with my dressing, and can enjoy it at the level I am at -- reasonable caution, and content with my 'passability" or lack thereof.

[Lydianne]

My question is for members who purged their tablets: why did you do it?

I twice intended to burn down the chocolate factory, and I wanted no evidence of chocolate production ever having been there when the authorities discovered the site remains. So I lit the match and left the vicinity. Unfortunately for me, during the night, the fire went out, and by morning, the factory still stood.

The factory eventually reopened for business and went on to increase its volume of chocolate output.

- L.

( I liked your analogy. For those that can write, it allows you to say something without actually saying something. Good job! :thumbsup: ).

[GretchenM]

It has been a very long time since I had a real purge. But back when I did it involved the conflict between who I was and who I was expected to be. Shame, guilt and many other emotions did enter into it because a desire to adhere to a concept of "Normal" that is false. The purges occurred as a result of trying to get rid of the "girl" in me that, in my mind, made me do strange things and behave in strange ways that could lead to disasters. But no recognition that "the girl in me" was as much a part of me as "the boy in me." The "girl in me" is not a virus to be driven out but as much a part of me as my two legs, two arms, and everything else in me. The "girl in me" is just not a substance - it is a neurological concept of who I COMPLETELY am.

It is also possible that wearing the clothes is a somewhat more superficial habitual need such as addiction to chocolate, Cheetos, or alcohol. You can overcome those. But you can't really purge who you are by purging that which you use to express the "who you are" part of you. Those who purge usually start again because the motivation is not addiction but the expression of your identity as established in the configuration of your brain. Interestingly, those who purge and the purge eliminates the need to dress don't usually come back and tell us that they were successful at purging.

So, our sampling is pretty much confined to those who are unsuccessful at purging because the mind will not allow them to totally reconfigure their identity. That is also why gender therapy is not oriented toward remaking you into a "normal" person, but rather finding ways for you to embrace the reality and be comfortable with who you are. In fact, in Denver conversion therapy is illegal because it is snake oil and people who go through it are not changed and sometimes end up dead by suicide. It's a scam.

In a weird sense purging and trying to rid yourself of the behavior is sort of healthy. It is definitely a way to determine with a bit more certainty whether your behavior is based in a superficial addiction or a fundamental identity. Unfortunately, it can also have undesirable outcomes such as trying to break an assumed habit of drinking water would have by not drinking water. You need water to survive and in a sense if your identity demands engaging in a specific expression you need that to be happy and comfortable irrespective of what others might think. Thus the question becomes whether your need to dress in women's clothes is identity centered or just a tough addiction to break. I don't recommend purging, but it will answer that question. Problem is you might get so dysphoric that you end up taking your own life while thinking that if I go a little further it will work. It is already known that doesn't work. So, the best course of action is to put all the clothes in storage and see if you can get by without getting them out. Try hard, but don't punish yourself if it doesn't work.

[AnnieMac]

Chocolate is women's beer :)

[DianeT]

Now, I am actually pretty satisfied with my dressing, and can enjoy it at the level I am at -- reasonable caution, and content with my 'passability" or lack thereof.
Geena, I'm glad that you found some balance. I hope your wife and you had a chance to talk. I too would not pass (few of us would anyway) and do not care since I'm not going out. I like my female look because it resembles me, just a slightly alternate version.

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So I lit the match and left the vicinity.
Lydianne, that's one neat way to burn calories.

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So, the best course of action is to put all the clothes in storage and see if you can get by without getting them out. Try hard, but don't punish yourself if it doesn't work.
Gretchen, good advice, and those of us who want to give a try to stopping will probably appreciate these friendly words of support. As for me, it's more an addiction than a case of identity, but it's deeply anchored in me nonetheless.

[CayleeMarie]

Well, I'm going to jump in with my code-less response. I have dressed or underdressed for about 45 years. Up until about 5 or 6 years ago it was mostly under dressing. Over those years, I have amassed several significant collections of some very beautiful lingerie. I have probably purged a half a dozen times. The reasons mainly revolved around shame and guilt. Every time I did, I thought that I could will the desire away. All I got out of it was regret for discarding things that I cannot replace now. Ten years ago I married a wonderful woman who has an adult trans daughter. She accepts and supports the Caylee side of me. She has helped me come to terms with myself and has forbidden me from purging without talking it through with her first. It makes all the difference in the world when you accept that you really aren't broken somehow.

[darla_g]

i have never purged. There have been times when i was off for an extended period like over the summer.

I had a really bad ski accident a few years back and as a result couldn't dress for quite a while. When i did get the opportunity after that i really cherished the chocolate. And still do, its every few weeks but i plan meticulously all my opportunities to have Chocolate!!

[Stephanie47]

The only time I rid myself of any women's clothing was the summer of 1975 when my wife took our son to see her parents. She was gone for about a week. We had purchased some nylon gowns and hosiery over the years that probably could be considered a little 'kinky.' There was no cross dressing/pseudo woman thinking at that time. While she was away I did buy a dress that I wore several days. I discarded it before she came home party because of shame. Partly because it would be taking clothing in a new direction that I did not want to go. When my interests developed and I did not really know about women's sizes I probably bought and discarded under a dozen dresses that did not fit properly. It was not due to shame or guilt. Since then I have no discarded anything other than garments and shoes I wore out.

As to chocolate, we have a 25 cubic foot freezer that always has a huge Costco size bag of Hersey's Chocolate Miniatures in it. Yum! And, ice cream....triple chocolate/vanilla. :)

[DianeT]

It makes all the difference in the world when you accept that you really aren't broken somehow.
Caylee Marie, I'm glad that you found a supportive SO. She seems like a nice person.

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I had a really bad ski accident a few years back and as a result couldn't dress for quite a while. When i did get the opportunity after that i really cherished the chocolate. And still do, its every few weeks but i plan meticulously all my opportunities to have Chocolate!!
Sorry to hear that. Of course it's when there are no tablets in the pantry that you realize how much you need your shot of cocoa.

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When my interests developed and I did not really know about women's sizes I probably bought and discarded under a dozen dresses that did not fit properly.
...
As to chocolate, we have a 25 cubic foot freezer that always has a huge Costco size bag of Hersey's Chocolate Miniatures in it. Yum! And, ice cream....triple chocolate/vanilla. :)
Sizes are difficult, I have troubles in particular with the waist to hips ratio for women clothes as it isn't typically the same for men clothing. For dresses and jackets I use the chest measure, and for pants/skirts the waist measure (didn't buy pants yet, only skirts so far). What doesn't fit I send back (we have free returns with most online sellers here) and get the next size. Shoes... even though I know my size it is a lottery, I buy from a US brand (I have huge feet, so black, black, black...) and the resellers in Europe all have their unique way to translate sizes...
...
Hershey miniatures remind me of our trips to New York. My wife is also crazy about Reese peanut butter cups. I bring her some back when I find them in some airports (she is now starving due to COVID).

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Chocolate, Candy and replace all with now wine.
No chocolate anymore?